Dog Diaries

by Steven Butler

  Contents

  Dog Diaries: Mission Impawsible Last Tuesday

  Back to today: the following Wednesday

  Thursday

  Friday

  Saturday

  Sunday

  Monday

  Three days later

  How to Speak Doglish

  Read on for Fun Activities!

  About the Authors

  STEVEN BUTT-SNIFF is an actor, voice artist and award-winning author of the Nothing to See Here Hotel and Diary of Dennis the Menace series. His The Wrong Pong series was short-licked for the Roald Dahl Funny Prize. He is also the host of World Bark Day’s The Biggest Book Show on Earth.

  JAMES PAT-MY-HEAD-ERSON is the internationally bestselling author of the poochilicious Middle School books, Max Einstein: The Genius Experiment, and the I Funny, Jacky Ha-Ha, Treasure Hunters and House of Robots series. James Patterson’s books have sold more than 385 million copies kennel-wide, making him one of the biggest-selling GOOD BOYS of all time. He lives in Florida.

  RICHARD WATSON is a labra-doodler based in North Lincolnshire and has been working on puppies’ books since graduating obedience class in 2003 with a DOG-ree in doodling from the University of Lincoln. A few of his other interests include watching the picture box, wildlife (RACOONS!) and music.

  For Fran and Wilson

  – S.B.

  DOG DIARIES

  Join Junior and his pet human, Ruff Catch-A-Doggy-Bone, as they get up to all sorts of mischief! But when the evil Mrs Stricker accuses Junior of being a BAD DOG, Ruff and Junior must find a way to keep him out of trouble…

  HAPPY HOWLIDAYS!

  Celebrate the Howliday Season with Junior Catch-A-Doggy-Bone and his doggy pals! From Fangs Giving and Crisp-Mouth to the mysterious Saint Lick, follow Junior on the poochiest, most barktastic journey as he joins his pet human for a festive adventure.

  OH BOY! I knew it…I just knew it!

  Only yesterday I was telling my best mutt-mates, Odin and Diego, that I’d sniffed the hap-hap-HAPPIEST whiff of human on the breeze and now HERE YOU ARE! A HUMAN!

  I can’t tell you how exciting it is to know you’re holding book three of my Dog Diaries in your five fingery digits, and we’re about to go on ANOTHER adventure together…and this one’s a humdinger!

  A lot has happened since I wrote my last diary, and you won’t believe what’s been going on in the Catch-A-Doggy-Bone kennel lately.

  But wait! What am I saying? I’m getting way too excited and scampering off ahead of myself.

  What if we’ve never met before and you haven’t read any of my stories? That’s a terrible thought, but what if you HAVEN’T!?! Just think of all the fun and howl-tastic giggles you’ve missed out on.

  Well, my person-pal, if that’s the case and you know nothing about all the amazing things I’ve been up to since I came to live with my best-best-BESTEST pet human, Ruff, there’s only one thing for it. I’ll fill you in with all the details quicker than you can shout “THERE’S A RACCOON IN THE BACKYARD! LET’S GET IT!” and you’ll be living a more poochified life in no time. I promise! And who wouldn’t want to live like us masterful mutts, huh?

  Okay…where do I start? Ummm…oh yeah! In case we haven’t met before, my name is Junior.

  HELLO!

  Junior Catch-A-Doggy-Bone, to be precise.

  Only last year I came to stay with my new family and it has made me happier than a terrier with a tennis ball.

  It’s true!! Just the thought of that TERRIFIC day when Mom-Lady collected me and brought me back here to make a fresh start at kennel life makes my tail go CRAZY. I’ve got the urge to perform a Happy Dance right now, but don’t worry, I won’t, or we’ll be here all day. Once I get started I can’t stop for ages, and there’s far too much catching up to do for me to be wasting time with yippin’ and yappin’ about.

  First things first—you gotta meet my pet human. He’s the GREATEST! Just look at him! Have you ever seen a more wonderful face?

  I swear, my furless friend, I’ve never loved anyone or anything more in my whole life. Yep! Ruff is the most slobber-licious human in the whole of Hills Village and beyond. He’s even better than my favorite stick!

  We’ve already had some TREMENDOUS adventures together, shared some BARK-TASTIC feasts in the Food Room, and taught a few grizzly grown-ups and their pampered poodle-princesses that obedience and rules aren’t for everyone. OH BOY, have we had some fun doing it!

  But, before I spend all day yowling and howling on about my family-pack, there’s something else I’m just DYING to tell you. It’s more exciting than the time I found a whole bag of Canine Crispy Crackers under a bench at the dog park and I don’t think I can keep it to myself for one more second, my furless friend.

  Wanna hear? Ha ha! OF COURSE YOU DO!

  Alright, my person-pal. Brace yourself, because what I’m about to tell you will make you run around in circles, howling and drooling with joy.

  DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!!!

  Ruff and I…we’re…we’re…

  AAAGH!! I can hardly get the words out!

  Come on, Junior, you can do this!

  Breathe in…

  Breathe out…

  Breathe in…

  Breathe out…

  Phew…that’s better.

  Okay, Junior. Tell the story properly and start at the beginning. Here goes…

  It all started just last week…c’mon…

  Last Tuesday

  3:37 p.m.

  So far, it had been a totally normal day, my person-pal.

  Ruff and his little sister, Jawjaw, headed off for a day at school and I took Mom-Lady out for a walk on the end of my leash. She loves coming along with me on my usual jaunt to the dog park for a run-snuffle-bark-about with my best mutt-mates…

  They’re the greatest pooch-pals a dog like me could ever ask for, but I’ll tell you more about those guys later, don’t you worry.

  After we got back from an AMAZING morning in the park (Lola found a half-eaten hamburger in a trash can! IT WAS EPIC!), I’d set about doing my very important daily routine…

  Sniffing for new smells in all the corners of the kennel…

  Growling at the hallway closet door to warn my archest of enemies, THE VACUUM CLEANER, to stay in there…

  Snoozing in the sun on the Picture Box Room rug…

  Howling at the mailman. HE LOVES IT WHEN I DO THAT!

  Barking at raccoons in the backyard…

  So…by the time I’d finished my list of daily chores and the afternoon arrived, I was content and curled up on the comfy squishy thing, minding my own business and chewing on a particularly tasty sock from Jawjaw’s room…

  Oh, wait…in case you haven’t met Ruff’s super-sneery little sister, Jawjaw, before, this is her…

  Now, I’m not supposed to go in Jawjaw’s Sleep Room anymore. She’s been mega mad at me ever since I stole one of her creepy little plastic humans and…well… maybe cooked it a little bit—but it wasn’t my fault!

  It felt awful being told I was a BA… BAD…BAD DO…Oh, you know what I’m trying to say. Those are terrible words to a mutt’s ears. HORRIBLE!

  I knew I wasn’t supposed to be in Jawjaw’s Sleep Room, but I couldn’t help myself. You see, things from Jawjaw’s room taste SOOOOOO delicious. Mainly because I’m forbidden from eating them. It’s a real conundrum. The things you know you aren’t allowed to chew on are always the yummiest, and Jawjaw’s creepy little humans taste like dust and dirt and plastic. SCRUM-A-LUMPTIOUS, if you ask me!

  But a little while ago, Ruff and I had to take obedience classes (YUCK! I HATE THOSE TWO WORDS ALMOST AS MUCH AS BAD DOOO…Agh! Forget it!) and I’m trying my best to keep us both out of trouble by being a perfec
t pooch. These days I have to make do with enjoying the occasional sock that I can snaffle from Jawjaw’s laundry pile, right by her door… and enjoying it I was.

  It was such a tasty snack that I almost completely failed to notice something terrific was about to happen…something completely wonderful!

  RUFF WAS COMING HOME FROM SCHOOL!!

  I swear it’s one of the best-best-BEST parts of the day, my furless friend. Nothing fills my houndy heart and makes me Happy-Dance like the moment my perfect pet human comes home from a long day at Hills Village Middle School.

  There are very strict rules for the moment when a dog’s best friend gets home after classes, and you should definitely know what they are. I take poochy pride in sticking to these exactly…

  RULES FOR WHEN RUFF GETS HOME:

  When you hear the big yellow moving people-box on wheels stop in the street, you must:

  (A) Bound over the comfy squishy thing and clamber onto the window ledge

  (B) Wedge your face against the glass to make sure you can really, really see your human getting off the big yellow moving people-box on wheels

  (C) Bark as loudly as possible until your pet human looks up at you from the sidewalk outside your kennel

  (D) Once they’ve seen you in the window, leap off the window ledge and sprint as quickly as your four paws can carry you out of the Picture Box Room and into the hallway

  (E) Once you’re in the hallway, run to the front door and sit as close to it as you can possibly get

  (F) Wag your tail slowly while you wait to hear their footsteps outside

  (G) Once you hear your person-pal on the front step, accelerate your tail wags to HAPPY DANCE SPEED

  (H) When the front door opens, BEGIN HAPPY DANCE! It is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that your dance includes jumping, spinning, nipping, yapping, licking, clambering, barking, howling, slobbering, whining, and…maybe a little bit of peeing and pooping for extra flair.

  3:57 p.m.

  Phewy! That was one long Happy Dance. As I was saying before I got distracted, Jawjaw’s sock was such a tasty tidbit that I completely missed rules A to G!! Can you believe it?! It wasn’t until Ruff’s jangle-keys clicked in the front door that I realized he was home, so I treated him to a seriously long and extra yap-a-licious performance to make up for only doing half a welcome.

  Ruff was so impressed, let me tell you. It makes him SOOOOOO HAPPY when I leave paw-prints all over the front of his jeans. It’s his favorite!

  Anyway…after my show-stopping routine, Ruff and I set straight off to snuggle up in front of the picture box and watch an episode of LAW PAWS!

  It’s the BEST cop show, all about a detective and his canine sidekick who solve terrible crimes and mysteries together. I LOVE watching these moving pictures with Ruff and they’re the reason my understanding of the Peoplish language is getting so good. I can recognize most words nowadays, but my fellow Catch-A-Doggy-Bone pack don’t know that…HA HA!

  THAT’S HOW I FOUND OUT ABOUT THE EXCITING NEWS!!

  4:25 p.m.

  Mom-Lady walked into the Picture Box Room and said it! SHE JUST SAID IT!! She poked her head through the door and, without any clue that I know what she’s talking about, came out with…

  Can you imagine it, my furless friend? Me, Junior, going to HOLLYWOOD!! Whoever would have thought that a mangy mutt like me would be heading to a shiny place like that ON VACATION?!!

  What did I tell you, my person-pal? Have you ever heard anything more waggy-tail-icious in your life? I didn’t think so. Never in all my dog years have I gone on a trip with my pet human before, and I am itching with delight…or fleas…or BOTH! Who knows? But one thing’s for sure: I AM SO THRILLED I COULD PEE ON EVERY RUG AROUND THE KENNEL FOR A MONTH!

  Ruff doesn’t know that I’m on to him yet. That sneaky-sneaker thinks he’s going to surprise me on the day, but you can’t pull the leash over my eyes. No sireeee! They don’t call me “SHERLOCK BONES, THE SUPER SLEUTH” for nothing!

  Okay…nobody calls me that. But they would if they knew how great I am at sniffing out secrets.

  Now, my furless friend, you may be wondering why I’m so excited. You may also be scratching your little human head, saying, “HOW DOES JUNIOR EVEN KNOW WHAT HOLLYWOOD IS?”

  Well, you may not be aware of this, but I’m practically an expert on HOLLYWOOD! I’ll explain why…

  Back before I was the happiest hound on the planet, living with the Catch-A-Doggy-Bone pack, I spent my days behind bars. I’m not proud of it, my person-pal, but I was a pooch prison pup!

  It’s the stuff of nightmares. I’ve never seen a scarier, lonelier, more BONE-JANGLING place in my life. It’s where I met my mutt-mates, and we spent our days all sad and miserable in a cage without so much as a tummy-rub, nose-boop, or even the occasional treat.

  I bet I know what you’re thinking… I bet you’re reading this with tears streaming down your furless face. Your brain will be racing and you’ll be yelling…

  You’d be right to wonder that, my person-pal. Sometimes I feel amazed that we all coped in such a horrifying place, and I’m not sure we would have if it hadn’t been for an ancient scruffy chow chow in the cell next to ours.

  CRIMES:

  Pooping in public

  Gnawing on benches

  Howling at police officers

  Stealing sandwiches

  Petrifying pigeons

  That farty old fiend would stay awake long into the night telling us stories through the bars about her INCREDIBLE life and all the places she’d visited, and one of her favorite stories that she loved to tell was all about her time in…you guessed it!

  HOLLYWOOD!

  Back in her youngly years, before she was old and mangy, Old Mama Mange spent her days in the sunniest city on earth, and if what she told us was true, she had a barktastic time!

  I just can’t believe that after hearing all those TERRIFIC tales about Hollywood in my dismal days at Hills Village Dog Shelter, Ruff and Mom-Lady are taking me to see it! This is going to be LICK-A-LICIOUS! And who knows? Maybe this is our chance to get famous and act in a moving picture like Mama Mange! NO! EVEN BETTER! Ruff and I could have our own cop drama! We could be megastars!

  Just imagine it, my furless friend…

  SIGH!

  Back to today: the following Wednesday

  10:26 a.m.

  So…here we are, my furless friend. You’ve caught up with everything that’s happened in the past week and the MASSIVE secret that I found out.

  I’m not going to lie to you, it’s been seriously tough trying to pretend I don’t know about our vacation to HOLLYWOOD. My tail has been on waggy overdrive all week and nearly given me away a few times!

  I never thought I’d say this, but ever since Mom-Lady blurted out the secret I’ve spent every morning waiting for Ruff to go to school. Can you imagine something so crazy?! ME…wanting my marvelous pet human to go to school?!

  Don’t panic, I haven’t gone loop-the-loop crazy or something. Nope! It’s just that when Ruff’s around I can’t plan what essentials to pack, or what amazing things I want to see or do when we’re out in the sausage-meat-paved paradise that is Hollywood.

  Ruff and Jawjaw set off about an hour ago and Mom-Lady has gone to work, leaving me free to plot and decide exactly what needs to be done.

  That ought to do it, I think. With these essentials I’m sure to be spotted and whisked into a moving picture with Ruff before you can shout “ACTION!”

  Thursday

  12:24 p.m.

  I swear to you, my person-pal, I’m not actually sure I can handle all this waiting. I’m so excited, I could explode like a fluffy firework.

  I’ve been snooping at breakfast-time when Ruff, Jawjaw, and Mom-Lady are sitting around the table eating their…what do you call it? Toost and scrumbled oggs? Don’t ask me—I might be able to understand Peoplish words better than most mutts, but it doesn’t mean I know everything.

  Anyway…I’ve been pretending to have a snooz
e under the table while everyone else is snuffling their meals, and I’ve found out lots about the plans for our vacation.

  Most of what I’ve heard is SUPER thrilling, but I’m afraid there’s some not-so-good news too. According to Mom-Lady, we’re not heading off on our BARK-TASTIC TRIP until Saturday. SATURDAY?!?! That’s another two days away!

  HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WAIT THAT LONG?

  This is going to be tough…

  5:27 p.m.

  Okay…I admit I may be getting a bit impatient, but what do you expect when I’m trying to pass the time before a vacation to HOLLYWOOD?! It’s unbearable! I’ve been hopping about like a springer spaniel! Get it? Ha!

  What am I saying? This is no time for jokes!

  Being the masterful mutt that I am, I’ve been whiling away the hours thinking lots and lots about all the exciting stuff Ruff and I are going to do. Then, before I knew it, a plan popped into my head that could change the lives of the Catch-A-Doggy-Bone pack forever!

  It’s simple really…

  Old Mama Mange always said that it’s easy to get famous in Hollywood. So why am I daydreaming about being in a cop show with my pet human, when I could become a MEGASTAR? I just wasn’t thinking big enough!