Dog Diaries

by Steven Butler

  Anyone who’s ever met me knows I’m a super-good singer. I’M SERIOUS! No one could out-YOWL me back in pooch prison.

  Instead of doing all the touristy things, like snuffling up the Sunset Strip or barking along the boulevards, I’m going to SING at the top of my voice wherever we go.

  I’ll be discovered by one of those funny talenty folks I’ve seen on the picture box in a jiffy.

  Who could resist my amazing voice, huh? In no time I’ll be bigger than…than… than Justin Bie-BARK…or Lady GRRR-GRRR…or Ariana GRUNTY!

  Just picture it, my person-pal. Close your eyes and imagine how TERRIFIC it will be once I’m a world-famous singing sensation. My face will be on EVERY picture-box program, and I’ll be so rich, I could buy a lifetime supply of Meaty-Giblet-Jumble-Chum and have an entire room filled with Canine Crispy Crackers. I’ll only chew on the best-BEST-BESTEST sticks, and I’d build the biggest kennel-castle in Hills Village for all my pack and mutt-mates to live in…Oh! I’ve thought real hard about this part. It’ll be the grandest, most lick-a-licious, MOST HOWL-A-RIFIC building you’ve ever clapped your person-peepers on, my furless friend. The new home I’m planning will be a towering treat-fest…a palatial pooch park…A SKY-SCRAPING SNACK SHACK!

  It’ll be the envy of every dog in Hills Village, especially the snooty ones who live in the whiffly kennels over on the far side of town. Pampered princesses like Duchess the poodle and her HORRIBLE pet human, Iona Stricker, will turn green with jealousy. Ha!

  While my mutt-mates and I are enjoying a poochified pool party and a dip in the Doggo-Drops, they’ll be wishing they’d been just a little friendlier back when we were in OBEDIENCE CLASSES!

  It’s going to be FANTASTIC, my furless friend. There’s no way my plan will fail, I just know it! We’ll be living in my MUTT-MANSION in no time.

  Now all I have to do is keep calm and wait until Saturday. The trick is to keep my mind busy, I think.

  Hmmmm…I’m going to go see how Ruff is doing…He’s in his Sleep Room doing his homework, and I know he loves it when I climb up and leave paw-marks on it.

  Friday

  10:26 a.m.

  AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

  I can’t…I can’t…I…I…I think my tail is going to fly off like a helicopter…I…I’m… SO EXCITED!

  You won’t believe what I’m about to tell you, my person-pal. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more HUMDINGERISH than knowing I’m going to Hollywood to become a MEGASTAR…I’ve just found out something EVEN BETTER!

  You’re going to YIP when you hear this, my furless friend. You’ll be howling at the moon in delight for weeks to come when I tell you.

  Are you ready?

  Are you sure?

  Okay…here goes!!

  MY MUTT-MATES ARE ALL COMING ON VACATION TOO!

  I…I…can’t believe it. What was already going to be a BRILLIANT trip away with my Catch-A-Doggy-Bone pack has now turned into the GREATEST DOGGY ESCAPE to the sunshine and beaches and sausage-meat streets of my dreams!

  Here’s how I found out…

  Ruff and Jawjaw were at school…again— those poor things—and Mom-Lady dropped me off at the kennel of my best pooch-pals, Odin and Diego, while she went to work.

  I LOVE visiting their home. It smells so different to our kennel and there are so many new things to taste and tear and play with when you haven’t been there for a while.

  Anyway, we were out in the backyard, sniffing for RACCOONS, when I knew I just had to tell them about the GINORMOUS secret I was on to.

  For a second they both looked shocked, but then they kinda smirked. I’m not sure how I was expecting my furry friends to react, but a little bit impressed would have been good. After all, it’s not every day a dog promises to build a pooch palace with a room just for pooping!

  But, just when I was about to ask if they’d heard me correctly, Diego threw back his head and howled…

  I just couldn’t believe it. All three of us Happy-Danced all over their backyard.

  Then Odin had a BRILLIANT idea: “Let’s go tell the rest of the pooch-pack. Maybe they’re coming to Hollywood too!”

  That would be too good to be true! We just HAD to find out, right that moment. So, when Odin and Diego’s pet human was busy folding laundry, Diego climbed onto my back and I clambered onto Odin’s. Then in one big leap, Odin jumped up onto the top of the lumber pile near the trash cans.

  From there we could see over the fence to the rest of the neighborhood down the hill, and I did a little investigative barking— investi-barking…

  Now, just like you humans and your Peoplish language, us mutts are masters of canine communication. Our language is Doglish and there really is no language in the world that’s more beautiful.

  I’m not kidding.

  Doglish is FABULOUS and super useful to learn. I bet you don’t even know these easy phrases…

  “OOOOHW-OOOOHW-WUH-OOOOOO-OOOOHW” means “I’m hungry”.

  “GRRR-GUH-WAHOOOOOOOOOH” means “I wanna go outside”.

  “BROOOOAAAHHH” means “Scratch my tummy, please”.

  “RUH” means “There’s a RACCOON out in the trash and it looked at me and I really think I should go bark at it and maybe sniff it for a little while to make sure everything is safe”.

  Anyway…after a bit of loud howling, it didn’t take long to contact the rest of my pack—Lola, Betty, and Genghis.

  5:37 p.m.

  I never imagined such a happy moment in all my little life, my person-pal. After lots of yapping and yowling back and forth, it turns out all the pet humans of our neighborhood have planned a mass vacation. We’re all traveling together and I can’t wait!

  Ever since I got back here to the Catch-A-Doggy-Bone kennel, I’ve been skipping around on cloud nine…err… cloud canine…

  6:22 p.m.

  Eeee! It’s all getting so close! Mom-Lady is sprinting about the house yelling and shouting orders, while Jawjaw and Ruff are busily packing their bags ready for tomorrow.

  It makes my houndy heart warmer than a pack of puppies piled up in a cuddle-puddle to know that all across the town, my pooch-pals and their human pets are stuffing their belongings into cases and preparing to head off on the trip of a lifetime.

  I could cry with joy!

  9 p.m.

  Well, that’s it, my furless friend. We’re ready to go…

  The cases are packed, Mom-Lady has gone to bed, Jawjaw is reading her sightseeing map for the best places to visit, and Ruff and I are curled up on his bed.

  I swear I’ve never felt this happy and content in my life. Ruff has even packed a special little bag just for me, with a few treats and my doggy food bowl in it. He’s the best!

  I’m just going to let him work on his drawings and drift off for a good sleep before the big day. Things couldn’t get any better than this…

  Saturday

  9:47 a.m.

  STOP EVERYTHING!

  I…I…I can’t breathe! I can’t think!

  It’s…it’s all gone wrong, my person-pal! I…I…I can’t get the words out! I feel like the whole world is spinning and my paws have turned to jelly.

  I…I’ll try to tell you what happened, but I’m not sure I even know myself!

  CALM DOWN, JUNIOR! Think of treats, and tennis balls, and the dog park…Okay…

  Ev…ev…everything seemed great this morning…

  I woke up and did my daily lap of the kennel, treading on everyone’s forehead to wake them up.

  So…we were up and all very excited. Mom-Lady made a quick breakfast of oggs and piggy strips on wifflies…

  I had my usual bowl of Crunchy-Lumps. Then, once everyone had visited the Rainy Poop Room and got dressed, Ruff and Mom-Lady grabbed all the bags and we headed out into the front yard.

  It was the most wonderful sight, my person-pal. All my mutt-mates and their pet humans were on the sidewalk and there was a huge moving people-box on wheels parked in the street. It wasn’t like th
e normal kind that you see rattling by at all hours, though. No, this one was gigantic!

  At first, everything seemed completely fine, and exciting, and noisy, bustly, and exactly the way it should feel on the morning of the best vacation of our lives. But then…I noticed that all the cases had been loaded into the stupendous moving people-box on wheels except for the little bags containing our doggy stuff. They were all left on the sidewalk, and our humans all seemed to be waiting for something.

  Mom-Lady kept checking her watch and grunting, saying something like…

  DOG GUYS?! Who were the dog guys?!

  We didn’t have to wait long to find out, my person-pal. Just when I was getting more confused than a Rottweiler on a roller coaster, a battered old moving people-box called a truck (I know this from the mailman and the garbage people) trundled round the corner and parked up alongside us.

  It’s all such a blur, my furless friend. Before we could run away, or bark, or play dead, our pet humans loaded us into the back of the truck. My heart was racing faster than a greyhound and I couldn’t tell why Mom-Lady and Ruff kept smiling.

  And that’s when all my worst fears came true.

  We…we’re not going to Hollywood with our humans! They’re sending us away!

  9:49 a.m.

  THIS IS THE WORST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!!!

  The men in the front of the truck started the engine and we’re driving off. I can still see Ruff waving from the sidewalk! Maybe if I use my best “DON’T LEAVE ME!” howl, he’ll change his mind…

  This is horrible, my furless friend! I feel like my heart might break! How could my Catch-A-Doggy-Bone pack send me away while they’re having fun and frolics around Hollywood without me? Is this because I cooked Jawjaw’s creepy little plastic human?

  Is it because I snaffled a turkey leg from last Fangs Giving and stashed it in Mom-Lady’s walking shoes for safekeeping? No…it can’t be! She hasn’t found it yet!

  WHY IS THIS HAPPENING???

  10:07 a.m.

  This truck has been driving for ages and it’s showing no signs of stopping. We drove all the way past the Dandy-Dog store and the gates to the dog park. I’ve never even traveled this far!! Who knows what horrors await us and…what if…what if…? I can’t even say it!

  What if we’re being sent back to the Hills Village Dog Shelter?! I don’t ever want to go back there—I’m certain I’d never survive it. That pooch prison was a treatless, tummy-tickle-less TERROR!

  One thing’s for sure: If this rattly and rusty truck takes us back to Hills Village Dog Shelter, I’m a goner. I’ll be a dead dog in no time! A drool ghoul! Franken-Junior!!

  I won’t last a day—no, scratch that—an hour—scratch that—a SECOND in that dreadful place. Even the thought of it makes my fur bristle with fear!

  Everyone back here in the truck is in a state of shock and it’s getting real ugly, let me tell you. Odin is slobbering like a St Bernard at a barbecue, Lola can’t stop crying, Betty is howling, Diego has curled into a ball and won’t unravel, and Genghis peed in the corner…so…no one wants to sit over there just now.

  What are we going to do, my person-pal?!

  10:10 a.m.

  Okay…so I have one piece of good news. Just when we were all about to give up and sink into doggy despair, Betty found a scrap of paper screwed up in a corner of the truck—not the one Genghis peed in, don’t panic—and it turns out we’re definitely not heading to Hills Village Dog Shelter.

  Using my excellent understanding of the Peoplish language, I managed to read a few words here and there, and it seems our pet humans have booked us into Barking Meadows Care Retreat.

  And, judging by this flyer, maybe it won’t be so bad after all…

  Ha! What was I worrying about, my person-pal? Okay…I’m not going to Hollywood with Ruff, which makes me feel super sad, but if Barking Meadows is as pampery and luxurious as this flyer says it is, I have a feeling we won’t be having such a bad time after all. I’ll keep you posted…

  10:17 a.m.

  This place is…is…well…IT’S FANTASTIC!

  The truck just parked up in front of one of the grandest buildings I’ve ever seen. Then we were all let out and led inside and…it’s SO CLEAN!!

  I swear to you, my person-pal. Even if I take a really big sniff, I can’t detect even the tiniest whiff of dirt, and my nose can snuffle out anything! MOM-LADY WOULD LOVE IT HERE!!

  10:31 a.m.

  Ha ha! We’ve each just been given brand-new red leather collars for our stay, and one of the guys from the truck (the one who smells like soap and shoe polish) has clipped a super-soft leash to each of them. It looks like we’re going on a walk around the place to figure out where everything is and smell everything there is to smell. BRILLIANT! LET’S GO!!

  12:08 p.m.

  HOLLYWOOD/SCHMOLLYWOOD!!! I can’t believe I thought I was a goner back there in that truck, my person-pal. This place is far better than a city with sausage-meat sidewalks! I almost feel sad for Ruff, Jawjaw, and Mom-Lady that they’re missing it.

  The oldy-baldy guy from the truck—his name is George…I heard one of the other humans say so—led us around the building and showed us so many AMAZING THINGS. He even spoke to us like we were humans! Not a bit of baby-talk or barky-ordery-moany-ness at all!

  I just can’t believe my eyes, my furless friend! But mostly I can’t believe my ears! There are squillions of other dogs here, but it’s so quiet! They must all be completely peacefully pampered. I guess they’ve all been for a visit to the SPANIEL SPA. I can’t wait to go and try out some of the TREAT-ments. We just walked past and I caught a glimpse of all the amazing things they offer.

  Get a load of this!!

  12:15 p.m.

  Today has certainly been a strange one, my person-pal. I can’t believe it’s only midday and already I thought I was going on the greatest vacation in the history of vacations, then thought I was going to shrivel up and die with fear and boredom at Hills Village Dog Shelter, and now I’ve been paraded around the most incredible doggy retreat I’ve ever seen…EVER!

  Ruff and Mom-Lady certainly know how to delight a dog, that’s for sure.

  George just showed me and the pooch-pack to our room and it couldn’t be farther from that cold cage back in doggy prison. We’re all staying in a kind of pen that’s filled with cushions and blankets and smells like sleepy time and morning breath…two of my favorite scents!

  Well, I guess that’s me sorted for the next forty-five minutes. After all the excitement we’ve had this morning, I’m going to catch a little beauty sleep. I want to look pooch-erific for when we all head down to lunch and meet the other dog guests in this swanky place. See you in a little bit, my person-pal.

  12:58 p.m.

  OH, WOW! I wish you could be here, I really do. The Food Room is so big, you could fit the whole of the Catch-A-Doggy-Bone kennel inside it. I’ve never seen a ceiling so high before…except for the sky!

  There are rows upon rows of gleaming gold dog bowls lined up along the floor and all of the canine customers are wandering in and sitting down next to theirs…it’s still very quiet though. No one seems to be making a sound at all.

  12:59 p.m.

  Huh! Well, so much for meeting the other dog guests, my furless friend. These pooches are rude! No one wants to speak. I’ve tried several times, but each dog just stares at me with wide eyes.

  Something weird is going on, I swear it. Since when does a mutt meet a new potential mutt-mate and not go sniff its butt or roll over and show its belly? This is very confusing!

  1 p.m.

  Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

  I don’t think I can take any more surprises, my person-pal. Now I know why the other dogs were acting strange and didn’t want to talk when I asked them about food.

  George and a whole bunch of his human co-workers just came out with our special lunches and placed them down in our bowls. For a tiny second I was confused by the strange smells coming from them…sort of like mud and
sadness and poop, until I realized…the bowl was filled with…

  This can’t be right! Who would ever be so evil to make a hungry hound eat carrots and celery? This is inhuman! It’s unthinkable! It’s horrific! Ruff and Mom-Lady have sent me and my pooch-pals on a VEGETABLE VACATION!!!

  10 p.m.

  Psssst…it’s me…Junior!

  I’m pretty sure you must have run screaming from the room, or thrown this book under your bed, or dived head-first into the laundry pile after you read the last few pages. But it’s okay…If you keep quiet, it’s safe to come out, my person-pal.

  If you’re anything like me and my mutt-mates, you’ll probably be very shaken and wondering if the whole world has gone loop-the-loop crazy.

  No wonder all those miserable pooches were so quiet. What kind of mutt would want to happily yap, or brightly bark, or snuffly sniff a new dog’s butt, when they’ve only had vegetables to eat? It’s like one of the scary moving pictures I watched on the picture box with Ruff!