Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  When You’re in Public

  Standards remain consistent no matter what the circumstances. But how you enforce those standards changes according to you, your child, other people, and the situation. When you’re in public, you may have to adjust your technique while still enforcing the standards.

  It was her beauty that struck me first. Tall and slender, she was casually dressed in black Levi’s and a royal blue short-sleeved sweater. Her natural white-blonde hair was pulled into a loose French braid, and black pearl earrings finished the look.

  Two little boys with hair and eyes to match hers followed her into the pew in front of me. Each boy clutched a Ziploc bag filled with crayons, markers, paper, and stickers. Within minutes of their arrival the younger one, probably about three, began loudly complaining. She bent down to him and, in a voice loud enough for me to hear her, firmly stated, “Shh, in church we are quiet.” She helped him to open his bag and attempted to find something of interest for him, but once again his complaints reverberated through the sanctuary. Without any hesitation, she confidently scooped him up and started out of the pew. “No, Mommy!” he yelled and raised his hand as though to hit her. She reached for his hand and held it in hers. Walking to the back of the church, she stepped behind the glass wall. There I saw her bend down, talk to him, and rub his back. Five minutes later they both slid back into the pew. This time the little guy opened his bag and started to play. He continued to do so throughout the hour-long service. Each time he asked a question, his mother bent down and in a soft voice answered him. When he needed to be held or patted, she did so; there were no more shrieks or complaints.

  This mom was in a very public situation with her two young boys. Her standard was clear: no shrieking in church where others’ time for reflection and prayer would be interrupted. Initially she used words to enforce the limit. They didn’t work. Then she calmly removed her son from the situation, letting him know that if he didn’t meet the standard, she would take him out, and she did.

  But what if she’d gotten to the back of the church and he didn’t settle down, or she returned to the pew and he let loose again? Emotion coaches know something very important. They understand that their child is not intentionally trying to embarrass them or manipulate them. Emotion coaches know that the tears are just the “flames.” The real fuel source at the moment is hidden. Maybe he was tired. Maybe he hadn’t had any exercise that day and couldn’t bear to remain quiet for an hour. He might have been hungry. Perhaps he was only two and the expectation of remaining quiet was more than he could handle at a stage when he was just learning the joy of words.

  If this mom had to leave with him in order to enforce her standard, you might be thinking, Isn’t he getting what he wants? At that moment he’s getting what he needs, and actually, so is his mother. She is teaching him that shrieking is not acceptable behavior and that if he cannot stop himself she will stop him by removing him from the situation. Every child wants to be part of the “clan.” Letting him know that he has a choice to meet certain standards or be removed is usually a strong motivation to change his behavior. But sometimes a child just can’t do it. He’s gone over the edge. Then it’s your job to recognize this is not a teachable moment. Get him out of the situation and choose to try again another time.

  Practice with Your Child

  Making standards one’s own takes practice. When your child has failed to meet your standard and has instead hit another child who tried to take his toy, practice with him what you want him to do. You have to wait until he’s calm, but even if it’s the next day, don’t be afraid to role play with your child. Pretend you’re the other child, and let your child practice by saying, “I’m not ready to share,” or “I’m not finished with my turn yet.” Rather than getting into another power struggle during your practice session, give him a choice. He can say the words himself, or he can listen while you say them. Either way, stress that next time you expect him to use those words instead of hitting.

  Consequences Do Have a Place

  At this point you’re thinking, I’ve taught my child what he’s feeling and what he’s supposed to be doing. He knows he may not hit. He has to ask for a turn. He knows he may not throw the truck, but he can go outside and throw a ball. If he still isn’t working with you, then it’s time to talk about consequences. Consequences are not a matter of “You’ve done this; now I’m going to do this to you.” Consequences reinforce what you are trying to teach. Alfie Kohn, in Punished by Rewards, writes, “If you’re angry, odds are you’re not establishing consequences, you’re lashing out. Consequences are done in a matter-of-fact, nonpunitive, nonangry tone of voice. The purpose is to teach or to problem solve.” When your consequences are laid out ahead of time, your child will be aware of them and know that he is making a choice.

  Sue used this information when six-year-old Matthew didn’t want to turn off the computer to go to school. “I know it’s difficult for him to stop,” she said, “so I warned him that in ten minutes he would have to turn off the computer. Then I told him when he had five minutes and asked him to find a place to stop. I also told him when he had one minute left. But when it was actually time to turn it off, he screamed and tried to hit me. I attempted to pick him up, but he hung on to the chair and refused to budge.

  “Eventually I forcibly picked him up and took him to school. He screamed the entire way. I knew at that moment I was too angry and not thinking well, so I waited. When he came home, his intensity was down and so was mine, so I said to him, ‘What happened today when I told you to turn off the computer is not okay. When I forewarn you and give you time to shut down, it’s not all right for you to scream, or hit me, or hold on to the chair. If you do that next time, you won’t be able to use the computer again for the rest of the day and the next day. Do you understand?’” she asked him. He shook his head yes.

  Sue clearly communicated to her son that honoring standards is expected in their family and that there are consequences for choosing to ignore them. The consequence “fit” the situation, because using a computer is a privilege. If you aren’t responsible, you lose that privilege. It also reinforced the importance of working together and being responsible.

  The next day Matthew wanted to play on the computer again. “I let him,” Sue said, “but before he started, I asked him, ‘When it’s time to turn it off are you going to hit?’ ‘No,’ he answered. ‘Are you going to scream?’ ‘No,’ he agreed. ‘Are you going to hold on to the chair?’ ‘No,’ he replied, shaking his head.”

  But when it actually came time to turn off the computer, he started to scream. “Matthew,” Sue stated in her most firm voice, “are you choosing to use the computer again or not?” He looked at her, shut off the machine, and got off the chair.

  Effective consequences reinforce what you’re trying to teach. If a child treats other children roughly, he loses the privilege to have a friend over for the day. If he shrieks in the store, he loses the opportunity to go. If he hits instead of using words, he loses the toy he was trying to protect.

  Consequences are planned, laid out, and discussed. They are not thrown out in the heat of the moment. If you don’t have a consequence for a particular situation, you can stop your child, deal with the situation, and still come back later to say, “What happened today is not acceptable. Next time this will be the consequence of that behavior.” Older kids can help you devise the consequences. You can ask them, “What do you think should be the consequence for someone who hits others when they’re angry?” Together you can come up with a recommendation that you both can accept. The most important factor is that there are no surprises. Your child knows he is making a choice.

  When You Make a Mistake

  Ben looked at me sheepishly. “Does the emotion coach admit he’s made a mistake?” he asked honestly. He proceeded to explain that the night before he told his son, Tim, to clean up his room. Tim didn’t comply. “I was exhausted, and the intimidator took over. Before I knew it, I was shouting, �
��Fine, then you’re not going to Ted’s birthday party tomorrow!’ Now I’m stuck. Ted’s really going to be sad. My sister, Ted’s mom, is going to be furious at me, and Tim is feeling awful. I’m sure he thinks I’m the meanest dad in the world. What do I do? I know I need to be consistent but…”

  Emotion coaches are honest. They’re trustworthy. That’s how they teach kids to be trustworthy. They’re willing to acknowledge their mistakes. When you get caught in the heat of the moment, forgive yourself. Use it as an opportunity to teach your child that sometimes it’s important to admit mistakes and start again.

  I clarified to Ben that he can go back to his son and explain that last night he was angry. He threw out a threat that wasn’t really fair. But he will also want to clarify that what Tim did was not acceptable either. Instead of missing the birthday party, which would hurt lots of other people and not really teach Tim about being responsible, he would be expected to clean and vacuum his room before going to the party. And then they would need to plan together how to prevent the problem from occurring again. Does Tim need more forewarning of what jobs are expected of him? How can Tim tell his dad if he can’t do his job? And what will be the consequences in the future if jobs are not completed?

  It Takes Your Full Attention

  The hard part of enforcing standards is that it takes your full attention. In order to be successful, you have to stop doing what you are doing. Sometimes you have to leave a situation you didn’t want to leave. But in order to help your child calm himself and learn that a particular standard will be met, you have to give it 100 percent of your focus and attention. When kids know that no matter how upset they are, these behaviors will not be tolerated, they have an anchor, a firm foundation to stand on and hold on to as they face the onslaught of strong emotions.

  Get a Backup

  Maria slunk in her chair. “I’m listening to all of this and feeling so ineffective,” she remarked. “Yesterday I told my daughter not to throw her ball in the family room. She looked right at me and kept tossing it. The twelve-year-old baby-sitter was standing there. She watched her and said, ‘Natalie, you heard your mother, take the ball to the basement and bounce it there.’ Natalie stopped dead in her tracks, turned around, and went downstairs. A twelve-year-old sitter was more effective than me!”

  There’s a Dennis the Menace cartoon where Dennis is speaking to Joey and says, “It’s easy to know right from wrong, Joey. Wrong is when everybody yells!” My suspicion is that the twelve-year-old was effective because she was second. Research has shown that if one adult says what the standard is, kids may or may not get it. But if two people say what the standard is, even weeks later, the kids still know the standard and follow it. So if you want to increase your effectiveness, get a backup. Unfortunately, this is often easier said then done. Frequently, even when we are parenting with a partner, instead of backing each other up, we end up fighting, accusing each other of being too tough, or a complete pushover! When two authority figures disagree about standards, kids become confused. They don’t know what they are supposed to do or not do, and as a result they stop listening to us.

  “That’s exactly what happened to us,” Karen replied. “We were driving in the car. Micah was sitting behind me. He started kicking my seat. I told him to stop, but he didn’t. I told him again, louder this time. He continued kicking. Then my husband blew up. ‘You’re too easy on him,’ he yelled at me. ‘Why don’t you whack him or take away TV for the next month? You’re such a pushover.’ We ended up in a huge fight over my being too easy and his being too tough.”

  “Yeah, what do you do?” Sara wanted to know. “My husband and I have different ideas of what’s acceptable and what’s not. He says I’m too soft, that I let them be disrespectful. I think he’s too harsh, that he doesn’t listen to them.”

  The room erupted as parents exclaimed, “My husband’s never home.”

  “I’m a single parent!” Getting a backup was a hot issue.

  Working Together Isn’t an Accident

  Let me reaffirm: You can effectively enforce standards without a backup, especially if you follow your words with actions. However, having a backup will make your life much easier. If you are a single parent, consider working with your child’s caregiver, teacher, a friend, a neighbor or a relative—someone whom you can check in with to help you figure out how to handle a situation and, when the situation warrants it, is able to back you up. It’s even better if it’s someone your child trusts enough to call herself. When my daughter was upset that I would not let her rent a hotel room, my niece was my backup. She was the one who told my daughter, “Your mother is right.” If you are parenting with a partner, take advantage of the opportunity this provides you. If one partner is frequently traveling or out of the home, you, too, need to look for another adult who will say to your child, “I agree with your parent; that’s the rule.”

  Bring Down the Intensity

  The heat of the moment is not discussion time. John Gottman, author of The Heart of Parenting, has found in his research that when things get intense, the situation will diffuse much more quickly if one partner keeps his or her cool. When you get caught in a disagreement with your partner, pause, take a deep breath, get through the situation the best you can, and then agree to talk later when everyone is calm.

  Create a Plan

  Two people will never parent in exactly the same fashion, but couples can come to terms. When you find yourself in a situation where you have disagreed, ask, What were you trying to teach your child? What standard did you want to enforce? These questions can help you understand your partner’s point of view and then find ways to work together.

  Ben and Sabrina were in a big battle. During the past three weeks, their eighteen-month-old son, Payton, had been pulling books off the shelf. Ben was stopping him. Sabrina wasn’t. As a result he just kept doing it. The standards weren’t clear.

  In every situation there is an event—an unacceptable behavior. We see that behavior and make an interpretation. According to our interpretation, we then decide on our action.

  I asked Ben how he interpreted his son’s pulling books off the shelf. “To me,” he said, “it’s disrespectful. Books aren’t toys to be tossed around. He could tear them and destroy them. I want this behavior to stop.”

  Sabrina looked surprised as she listened to Ben. “When Payton takes the books off the shelf, I think, ‘Oh, he’s being a toddler. Toddlers take things off shelves. He’s curious and he’s going to make a mess anyway; so what if it’s the books. As a result I don’t stop him.’”

  When they shared their interpretation of the events, Sabrina realized that Ben wasn’t just being mean. He had a valid reason for his response. With that awareness she was willing to support him and stop the dumping of the books. Their united front resulted in a clear message to Payton, and the behavior stopped.

  When You Want to Change Your Standards

  Sometimes as you begin to enforce your standards, you realize you haven’t been the kind of role model you’d like to have been. You have a nine-year-old whose screams, stomps, and demands remind you of your own. Today is a new day. If your child is under four, you can tell him that in your family no one is going to hit or pinch, etc., anymore, no matter how angry he or she is. If your children are older, call a family meeting. Let them know that as a family you’ve all been doing things that you now realize are hurting one another, and that beginning today you want to make different choices. Together decide what behaviors you’re going to change. Agree that everyone—adults and children—will do their best to honor the new standards.

  Once you’ve made your decisions, allow yourselves time to practice. Learning to choose more suitable responses takes years of hard work. Both you and your child will experience backslides, but once you start your journey, you’ll never slide back all the way to your starting point. That’s because the research demonstrates that your actions along with your words will have actually changed your child’s brain, buildin
g the links between the reactive brain and the thinking brain. Through repetition, those links become stronger, and gradually you and your child will find it easier to control your initial impulses and choose a different, more suitable response.

  Standards are an essential step in learning how to stop impulsive behavior. But like the songs in the variety show, you won’t want them to stand alone. You can help your child to honor those standards by teaching him to recognize his emotions while those emotions are little, and to take steps to soothe and calm himself before he’s David taking on Goliath.

  * * *

  Coaching Tips

  Clarify your standards and teach them to your child.

  Step in and help your child stop if he cannot stop himself.

  Match your words with actions.

  Remember that shouting isn’t action.

  Get someone to back you up.

  Remove your child, if necessary.

  Feel comfortable admitting your mistakes.

  Honor the standards yourself.

  Enforce the standards for all children.

  Teach your child what he can say, like, “I’m not ready to share,” or “I’d like a turn,” or “That doesn’t seem fair.”

  Remember that you can discipline without disconnecting.

  FIVE

  Stopping the Tantrums

  Teaching Kids How to Soothe and Calm Themselves

  “In my brain I imagine that I have cards that help me sort out my thoughts, but when I get angry it’s as though the cards are all scattered and I can’t find the one I need.”