Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  —Jason, age seven

  Eight-year-old Zachery and four-year-old Ben were sitting at opposite ends of a rectangular dining room table playing “soccer.” Actually their ball was a small leather triangle, and instead of kicking it they were flicking it with their fingers from one end of the table to the other. A point was earned if, with one flick, the triangle slid across the table onto the place mat on the opposite end. Bodies relaxed, voices gleeful, initially both boys were having fun. But over time Ben tired. Coordinating his “flick” was tough for a four-year-old and his “ball” started to slide off the side of the table short of the goal. He sat straighter in his chair as his body tensed and his voice rose louder and sharper as he lamented his misses. “Are you getting frustrated?” I asked him. He turned to me, startled by my question, but didn’t answer. “Do you want to stop?” I continued. “No,” he declared firmly. “Would you like to take a break?” I asked. He stopped and looked at me once more, but still declined my offer. That’s when I said to him, “When I see you sitting up straighter in your chair and I hear your voice getting louder, it makes me think you’re feeling frustrated. When people are frustrated, it helps if they take a break and then go back to their game. Do you think you’d feel better if you took a break?”

  This time he sighed in relief, said, “Okay,” and jumped down from his chair.

  “How did you do that?” his mother gasped. “Ben’s the kid who always blows up!”

  Teaching kids how to recognize their emotions and to take actions to soothe and calm themselves before they are overpowered by those emotions is the key to stopping temper tantrums. Learning how to soothe and calm oneself is an essential life skill. Acquiring it can take years of practice. And even though we’re still working on it as adults, the lessons begin in childhood, which means that when you have children, you’re their teacher.

  Be Your Child’s Ally

  Sadie had had a tough day. The new puppy had eaten her favorite hat; her father had made her wear a sweater she detested; and she’d gotten into a fight with her best friend. When her teacher told the entire class that they must all be brain-dead, she was pushed to her limit and was teetering on the edge, ready to explode. She wanted to scream. Emotions boiled inside of her, making her feel crazy, but she held it together until she got home. There she burst through the door, slammed it behind her, and threw her knapsack on the floor. What happens next depends on the adults in Sadie’s life.

  Imagine for a moment you’re Sadie. Think about the intimidators in your life. What would they have said or done in this situation that would have pushed you right over the edge into the depths of uncontrolled emotion? When I asked this question in class, the responses were immediate.

  Jessica’s voice was tight. “I would have been locked in my room and not allowed to come out until I was ready to be nice or apologize. But I’d end up breaking things in my room. The intensity of my emotions always frightened me, but I never knew what to do with them.”

  “It’s no big deal!” Joanne retorted. “My mother would always say that, and it made me furious!”

  “My dad would have gotten right in my face,” Peter added. “I can’t stand someone crowding me when I’m angry.”

  “My aunt would have turned up the radio and ignored me. Or she would have said, ‘I’m not talking to you if that’s how you walk in this door,’” Marie offered.

  And it was Tom who said, “I would have been threatened. ‘Slam that door again, and you’ve lost TV for a month!’”

  Kathy mused, “My mom wouldn’t have said anything mean, but she’d try to hug me and at that point any touch or extra noise would just push me over the edge.”

  With each response the tension in the room built. Neck muscles tightened. Fists clenched. It was as though we were watching someone splash kerosene on a fire, the flames bursting in front of us. We could actually feel the burning sensation of the words and actions.

  And then I pulled out a bag of soft, white, fluffy cotton balls. I passed one around to each person, letting them hold it and touch it to their cheek. “Imagine once again that you’re Sadie,” I said. “But this time I want you to think of the emotion coaches in your life, the people who responded to you with words and actions that were like cotton balls. How did they soothe you and help you to diffuse the force of the emotions? What did they say or do that made you sigh with relief?”

  Peter smiled, “My mom would tell my dad to back off and give me a little space and quiet. He’d storm out, but she’d stay there. She wouldn’t say a word, she wouldn’t touch me, but she was there.”

  “A hug,” Kathy added. “I loved it when my mom just held me.”

  “My mom would say, ‘Tough day?’ And then she’d just listen, letting me sort out what I was feeling,” Barb responded. “She didn’t even yell at me when I stormed and fussed. She didn’t let me get away with swearing, but I could rant.”

  And it was Kim who said, “My dad could always make me laugh or distract me just long enough for me to cool down. He didn’t discount me, he just let me collect myself.”

  The words were soothing, comforting, like the sensation of the cotton balls against our cheeks. Neck muscles relaxed, fists unfurled.

  Teaching children how to soothe and calm themselves begins with us. We have to be the first to monitor the emotions, to recognize the frustration, disappointment, fear, or sadness before it escalates to fury. It’s our job, while the emotions are easier to manage, to step in and teach our kids suitable responses. And as we do it we can choose words and actions that either soothe and diffuse the emotions, like the cotton balls, making it easier for our child to manage them, or we can add our intensity to theirs and say or do things that fuel those emotions. The choice is ours.

  Monitoring Emotions

  If you watch and listen carefully, your child is constantly demonstrating his emotions. Think about the last few days. What did your child do or say that you now realize indicated his intensity was rising?

  Whether it’s a whine, an inability to shift from one thing to another, a refusal to listen or come to dinner, tears that spring up over seemingly insignificant issues, forgotten homework, fights with siblings, or the slamming of doors, think about the behaviors you’ve seen or heard your child express before the full volcano erupted.

  Imprint the cues in your brain; train yourself to recognize them so that the next time your child starts to whine, you will understand that your child is experiencing a strong emotion. There’s a feeling or need he doesn’t know how to express. Rather than saying, “I’m not going to listen to you anymore,” step into that emotion with words and activities that teach her how to soothe and calm herself.

  Initially, as you learn to recognize the cues, you may wonder if your child is manipulating you, especially if she throws up or complains of a stomach ache. There’s a wonderful book called Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers, a Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Diseases and Coping by Robert Sapolsky. In it, the author explains that when your body is on alert, ready for fight or flight, it “empties” out so that you can run faster! He encourages us to watch a National Geographic film to see what the zebras do when the lions start to chase them. They let loose, emptying their bodies so that they can flee faster. Your child’s “gut” reaction is to empty his system when an emotional hijacking occurs. This isn’t manipulation, it’s Mother Nature giving him the energy to cope.

  Does Your Child Need to Escalate to Be Heard?

  Most of us have not been taught how to monitor our feelings or those of others. As a result it’s very easy to miss them until they are blasting you in the face.

  That’s what happened to Bridget. Her voice was frantic when I answered my phone. “My son destroyed his room last night. I need help!” she cried. I listened, letting the intensity of her emotions diminish. I then asked her to tell me what happened before her son dumped his drawers and emptied his closet.

  “It started right after school,” she explained. “He came storming in o
ff the bus. Within seconds of his arrival he complained about the snack I had prepared, shoved his sister, and even yelled at the dog. When I asked him what was wrong, he started to cry and said the older boys had bullied him on the playground. We talked about it for a while and he seemed to be better, but then I needed to prepare supper. I told him to get his homework started. He complained that he couldn’t do it and demanded that I help him. I couldn’t, I had dinner to make for the kids and my husband was out of town that night. After dinner I tried to get him to practice his violin, but again he refused and wanted me to be with him. I’ve got other kids and things to do, I can’t just be there with him. Anyway, he’s the oldest. He finally got through the practice and came to me where I was working in the kitchen. ‘Can I sleep with my brother?’ he asked. I knew if I let him they’d probably start fighting, so I said no. Then he wanted to call his dad, but our phone bill was so high last month, I told him he’d be home tomorrow and he’d just have to wait. Finally he wanted to sleep in my room. Again I said no. That’s when he went to his room and tore it up.” She paused, sucked in a breath, and then in almost a whisper said, “He tried, didn’t he?”

  Sometimes life’s demands make catching the emotions when they’re manageable very challenging.

  Research shows that when an infant begins to cry, the cries evoke empathy in most adults; but if the cries are unheeded, they become angry and harsh, which results in an angry response.

  Think about your child. If she tells you she’s sad, do you hear her, or does she need to wail? If she’s tired, do her droopy eyelids or lack of energy catch your attention, or does she have to fall into a heap on the floor before you respond? Can your son let you know he needs space by backing away slightly, or does he need to run around the room or out the door for you to get it? When your child demands your help, do you recognize his need to be nurtured? Do you notice your child biting her nails when she’s anxious, or does she have to scream, “You can’t make me go!” before you realize she’s scared?

  The more you know about your child’s day and life, the easier it is to pick up the more subtle cues. If your child is in child care or school during the day, try to talk with the teacher or your child to find out what’s happened during the day. Be observant: note his body language, tone of voice, his eyes. All of these things tell you a lot. Most important, make sure your child doesn’t have to escalate in order to be heard. If your child is consistently melting down into a tantrum, it may be that you’re stepping in too late. Try to catch that shift in the shoulders, the tone in the cry or voice, the need for attention, while the emotion is less intense.

  Be Aware of the Stress Cycle

  If you are stressed, odds are your child is, too. In a tight, controlled voice, Susan told me, “My son has been awake for thirty minutes and has already been in time-out three times. I don’t want to hit him, and I don’t want to start screaming, but something has got to give here!”

  If your child wakes up ready to erupt, it means the stress hormones are surging through his body and the quantity is so great that the residue remains in his system even during sleep.

  I asked Susan what stresses her family had been experiencing lately. She proceeded to tell me of a recent cross-country move, a new job for her husband with more travel than he’d ever experienced before, new schools for the kids, and a feeling of isolation having just arrived in Minnesota in the middle of January.

  “How high is your intensity right now?” I asked her. “I’m over the top most of the day,” she replied. “I’m barely hanging on.”

  When your stress levels are very high, your responses become inconsistent and unpredictable. What normally wouldn’t bother you turns you into a shrieking shrew or a bellowing bull. Your child can’t predict your response. As a matter of survival, he goes on alert. Be ready for fight or flight at any moment, his brain tells him, and the stress hormones flow through his body. Stress also creates neural static, so while you normally might be able to read your child’s cues and help him monitor his emotions, you miss them or don’t pick them up until they’re smacking you in the face.

  There are two simple strategies that can make monitoring your child’s emotions easier.

  Getting Down on Eye Level

  LeeAnne’s mom was dropping her off for preschool. Tears welled in her eyes and then she began to protest. “Don’t leave me!” she cried, grabbing on to her mother’s leg. Her mom bent down and crouched eye to eye with LeeAnn. “I think you’re scared,” she said. “But Georgette, your teacher, is here; she’ll take care of you. Look, she’s getting out the paint. You love to paint.” LeeAnne sniffed. Looking at Georgette, she gave her mom’s leg one more squeeze and walked into the room. Getting down to eye level forces you to stop and take note of the emotions welling in your child. By looking in his eyes you can see to his heart and clearly communicate, “I’m listening!” It tells your child this emotion is important. “I’m trying to understand. We can figure out what to do.”

  Allow Enough Time

  Power struggles frequently erupt in the morning when we’re trying to get out of the house. In our rush, we stop monitoring emotions and let things escalate. But if you allow more time, you can recognize when wanting help getting dressed isn’t about trying to make you late. It’s about needing to connect with you before you separate. You’ll also realize that dawdling may reflect a need to play just a bit before the hectic schedule of the day begins. When you aren’t rushed, you have the time to make these mini-hassles opportunities to teach your child. When he gets frustrated trying to tie his shoe or finish his lunch, you can stop and explain, “Learning to tie is difficult. Sometimes when you’re practicing you get frustrated. When that happens you can take a deep breath and try again, or take a break and come back to it.”

  Monitoring emotions is essential to managing them. As you catch them, teach your child to stop and notice them as well. Ultimately he has to take over monitoring his own emotions. You can ask him questions like these: What is your body feeling like inside right now? Can you feel fireworks inside of you? Does your body feel like a balloon ready to burst? Give him a concrete image he can use to communicate the level of his intensity. Then he will be ready to learn what he can do to soothe and calm himself before he bursts.

  Strategies That Soothe and Calm

  Stress hormones triggered by emotions like disappointment and anger shoot through the bloodstream. In order to choose a more appropriate response, it’s essential that kids learn what they can do to calm themselves. Initially, I’ll describe for you strategies that work for most kids. If you’re not certain what might help your child, read on and I’ll explain how to let your child actually show you what he needs.

  Physical Activity

  Physical exercise, especially repetitive motions like walking, running, rocking, swinging, or bouncing, produces in the body chemicals that actually soothe and calm. When your child is working on a worksheet and you realize he’s starting to get irritated, you can tell him, “When I see you starting to erase, or gritting your teeth, it makes me think you’re getting irritated. What helps people to feel better when they’re irritated is to stop, take a break, or do something physical.” Then invite him to go for a twenty-minute bike ride, run up and down the hallway, play a fast-paced game of basketball, or take a walk. Physical exercise will soothe him and help him to stop reacting. If he doesn’t want to move but you know he’s an active kid who needs exercise, take him by the hand and walk with him. Afterward talk about how much better his body feels.

  Sometimes a child will rock and bang his head when he is upset. If this is true of your child, I suspect he’s trying to soothe himself with a repetitive physical motion. Due to safety concerns, you’ll want to stop this method. But do replace it with a more suitable physical activity, like jumping rope or swinging, since your child needs motion to comfort himself.

  Space

  When emotions are running high, some people need space to calm themselves. If your child is u
pset and pulls away from you, but is not hitting at you, simply step back. Tell him you’ll stay near him, but don’t touch him. If he doesn’t want you near, step farther away and offer to check back. If he hits at you, restrict his hand and then let go again. Recognize that when you move into his space, you actually increase his intensity. You can teach him to say respectfully, “I’m getting upset, I need space.”

  Adam was two and a future med-tech type. He was drawing blood samples with his teeth from any piece of anatomy that came near him: fingers, toes, arms, cheeks. It didn’t matter, Adam bit. His child-care provider realized Adam bit when he got frustrated or needed space.

  His teachers would tell Adam to stop, then teach him to touch gently by first touching his victim’s arm softly with his hand and then gently touching his own body. Most important, they taught him, “Adam, you can say, ‘I need space.’ You may not bite.”

  They worked with Adam for several weeks, reminding him over and over to ask for space. Finally, one day they heard Elizabeth scream. Rushing to her side, Elizabeth told the teacher, ‘Adam hit me!’ The teacher was actually relieved—it was progress that he’d hit, not bitten. She asked Adam, “Are you ready to be gentle with Elizabeth, or do you need space?” He looked at her intensely, deep blue eyes gleaming. Snatching up his blanket, he declared in his little two-year-old voice, “I need space,” and he waddled off. He pulled his blanket to a quiet space and proceeded to suck his thumb and play with trucks.

  Ten minutes later his teacher asked him if he was ready to be gentle with Elizabeth. He nodded, walked over to Elizabeth, stroked her arm gently, and kissed her cheek. Elizabeth slugged him!

  Teaching kids is a process that takes time and patience, but they can and do learn. Even at two Adam did ultimately stop biting and instead learned to say, “I need space,” when his intensity rose.