Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  After our conversation Kathleen and Courtney came up with a plan. Kathleen explained to Courtney that she was an extrovert who needed to talk about her feelings, especially when she was upset. Reassuring Courtney that she loved how willing Courtney was to share her news of the day, Kathleen also explained that she herself was an introvert who became drained by constant conversation. “I can listen for a while,” she said, “but then I get worn out. When I get exhausted, I want to yell at you. But you don’t need me to yell at you. That would upset both of us. The problem is, I’m out of listening energy, but you’re not done talking. Next time you are upset, you can count on me for about twenty minutes of listening. Then I need a break. We can have a plan that when that happens you can call your dad, speak to a friend, or go exercise. If you don’t want to exercise alone, I’ll sit by you while you ride the exercise bike, but I can’t talk.”

  Their plan worked because it included strategies that met Courtney’s need to talk. It also respected Kathleen’s needs. Thanks to their plan, Courtney understood that her mother loved and understood her, and that when her mom needed quiet, she wasn’t breaking off. She simply was out of listening energy.

  If your extroverted child is exhausting you, help her understand her need to talk, but know it’s all right to set some limits that teach her to be respectful of your feelings, too. Let her know that you’re good for ten questions, but then you need a break. Or that you’ll listen for ten minutes; then set the timer for five minutes of silence.

  If you are an introvert, involve your child in extracurricular activities and encourage him to visit friends at their homes. There’s no way you can match your extroverted child’s need for interaction. Allowing yourself to honor your limits keeps you connected and out of power struggles.

  As you listen to your extroverted child, it’s important to remember she is “thinking” out loud. Which means she may say things that “come to mind” but do not reflect her true feelings or final decision. As you listen to her ideas, you might be inclined to think, What will happen if she does that? It’s important to remember she is only exploring thoughts, not making a decision. That’s why when she explodes and declares, “I hate you,” or “You can’t make me,” or “That’s stupid,” instead of immediately getting angry, stop and calmly ask her, “Is that really what you wanted to say?” Odds are she’ll give you a sheepish grin and admit, “Not really.” Allowing your extrovert the time to simply “hear” herself and not making judgments about what she is saying allows her to sort out those feelings. Later, when everyone is calm, you can teach her how to assert herself without being disrespectful or hurtful to others. We’ll discuss that in a later chapter.

  Extroverts also want your feedback—usually immediately—that their ideas and feelings are valid. A simple nod in agreement or “ah-ha” may be all that’s necessary, but they do want to know that you are listening! It’s learning how to express themselves without interrupting or intruding upon others that is their challenge. So when your little extrovert grabs your face and turns it toward her, you can say, “Stop, that hurts my cheek. If you want my attention, you can say, ‘Mommy, please listen.’” If your child interrupts, you can create signals, like a hand on her shoulder that means, I heard you, and I’ll give you my full attention in one minute.

  As you work with your extrovert, remember she isn’t talking to drive you wild—she’s thinking and recharging. It’s your task as her emotion coach to listen well and at the same time teach her the social skills she needs to work with others instead of overwhelming them.

  2. Coaching the Extroverts When They Need Activity and Interaction

  “I’m worried about my child,” Angela lamented. “She rarely if ever chooses to play alone. Even if she’s been with other kids all day, the moment they go home, she exclaims, ‘I’m bored!’ And then she tries to get me to play with her. I will for a while, but I’ve got other things to do. Is there any way I can get this kid to play by herself?” “Yeah,” Diane agreed, “and how can you get them to work alone? I tell Zach to clean his room, but he always ends up handing me stuff or wanting me to work with him, and we end up fighting.”

  Extroverts seem to need lots of your attention because they are at their best when working and interacting with others. If you want to win their cooperation, instead of fighting their nature by pushing them to work alone, work with them. Together you can clean their room and then yours. You’ll get the rooms cleaned faster, more effectively, and with much less aggravation. And when it comes to homework, instead of sending them off to their room, let them work at the dining room table while you work nearby.

  Understand that extroverts can be very independent, they simply think and feel best when interacting with others. Sign them up for group activities, plan social outings with them, and respect their need to be with others. This doesn’t mean, however, that extroverts can’t ever play or work alone. They can. Your task is to get them started by working with their preferred style. That means helping them select an active, hands-on kind of activity such as playing with building blocks, construction toys, or art materials. Sit down with them and get them going. Once they are engaged, you can pull out and let them work on their own. If you can, work by them and be ready to stop what you’re doing to give them the feedback they need. Know that when they are finished they’ll need your attention again because they’ll have been drained by their time alone. Older kids will gradually learn to work alone for more extended periods of time, but it’s always at a cost to them. They’re drained by that time alone.

  Know, too, that extroverts learn best when they can get their hands on things and try them. Long lectures or lengthy verbal directions can drive them wild.

  3. Coaching the Extroverts When They Need Questions to Help Them Think

  Extroverted kids will often ask you for help and then reject your advice. This process can be infuriating, at least it was to Debbie. “My daughter Jessica would ask me to help her decide what to wear,” she told us in class one day. “But then she wouldn’t like any of my suggestions. She’d negate every single one of them. I swore she was just trying to pick a fight with me!”

  But then as we talked about extroverts in class, Debbie realized we were describing her daughter. “That’s her!” she exclaimed. “Jessica is always thinking out loud. When she was little and I took her on stroller rides, she’d carry on a running monologue. ‘There’s the house with the green shutters. Oh, and there’s the big dog!’ Every thought that came to her mind came out of her mouth. Suddenly the insight struck me. She’s asking for my help, and I’m thinking that means she wants me to make the decision. But what she really needs me to do is help her talk through her decision. So instead of offering suggestions I started asking questions like: ‘Do you feel like wearing something cool or warm? Does the outfit need to be layered or not? Do you want something baggy and loose or more close fitting? Are you thinking of bright colors or black and white?’ When I asked questions, her intensity dropped. She could hear me, then she started thinking and made her own decision.”

  In order to avoid those power struggles in the first place, you can teach your extroverted child to say, “I’m having trouble deciding, I need to hear myself think….” Or “Please ask me questions so I can think better.” Her clear communication will keep both of you from becoming frustrated. If your child doesn’t tell you what she needs, you may have to ask, “Would you like me to ask you questions to help you decide?” Or, “Would you like me to make suggestions?” If your child is just a toddler, you’ll have to try offering suggestions and asking questions; then decide which strategy seems to be working best.

  Coaching the Introvert

  Working with your child’s type is often like a dance—two steps forward, one back, pause, step again. The more familiar the steps, the easier to dance. When it comes to coaching introverts, it’s important to understand they need space, time for reflection, and opportunities to watch or listen before participating.

 
Recently I experienced a “dance” with a child I’d never met before. I didn’t have the faintest idea if he preferred introversion or extroversion, so I had to let his cues tell me which steps to try.

  1. Coaching the Introverts When They Need Space—Physically, Verbally, and Visually

  I was meeting with the director of a child-care center when suddenly two harried teachers arrived simultaneously at her door. Each had in hand a very angry child. “We need help,” they exclaimed, and proceeded to leave the children with us while they returned to their classrooms. The director invited the two-year-old onto her lap and said to Thomas, the four-year-old, “This is my friend, Mary; she can help you.” So there I was with a scowling, snorting four-year-old who’d never seen me before. I didn’t have any idea what had happened to him or why he might be so angry. But angry he was. If looks could kill, I was dead. He stood just inside the door glaring at me.

  The look on his face, the hunch in his shoulders, his arms wrapped tightly around his body, and a growl deep in his throat clearly told me, “I need space! Don’t touch me!” Ah, an introvert who doesn’t like to be crowded and needs some time to think, I decided, and chose not to move from my chair. Instead, I said, “The look on your face tells me you don’t want me to come near you.” He growled in response. “And the sounds you’re making tell me you’d rather I not talk with you, either.” He growled louder. “Maybe you’d prefer I not even look at you.” He growled once more. “All right,” I responded. “I won’t touch you or even look at you, I’ll just sit here and when you’d like my attention you can tell me.” I turned back to my work. I was not ignoring him. I was simply respecting his need for space and quiet at that moment, but clearly letting him know I was available.

  Introverts will often pull away from interaction because they need space, time, and quiet to figure out what they are feeling and to pull themselves back together. They aren’t deliberately shutting you out, they are recharging. So before you physically move into your child’s space to give her a hug, or move in verbally by asking twenty questions, ask her if this is what she would like or read her cues. Even an infant will turn to you or raise her arms, letting you know that, yes, she would like you to come into her space. Or if she doesn’t, she’ll turn her head away and pull her arms back.

  Introverts often get into trouble for doing things that “push” you and others out of their space, like shouting, “Everyone be quiet!” Or they may hit, bite, or growl to clear the space out around them. If this happens, it’s critical that you clearly enforce your standards, help them understand the emotion they are experiencing, and teach them what they can do. For example, if your child pushes another child out of her space, you can say, “Stop! You may not push. I think you are needing space. You can say, ‘I need space!’ But you may not push to get it.”

  Once I gave Thomas some space, he was more open to working with me; of course, he didn’t tell me that with words. Shortly after I turned back to my work at the table, he started to kick the wastebasket. “Stop, Thomas,” I declared firmly. “No matter how angry you are, you may not kick the basket. If you’re ready for my attention, you can tell me.” He growled once more, the scowl still deep. But his arms were no longer crossed over his chest. His cues told me he was a bit more open. Remaining in my chair, physically out of his space, I stepped in verbally. “I’m wondering if something made you sad,” I said. He nodded in agreement. Now I was really stuck.

  2. Coaching Introverts When They Need Time for Reflection

  I had no idea what would have made Thomas sad. “Can you tell me what made you sad?” I asked. He snorted. Ah, he needs time to think, and I’m interrupting him by asking too many questions, I thought. Introverts don’t like that. So I said, “You can think about it, and I’ll keep working until you’re ready.”

  I waited. I admit it almost killed me. I’m an extrovert who likes to talk things through; it’s hard for me to remember that introverts are not wasting time when they are silent. They are thinking! It was even harder for me to wait because I was running out of time. I gave him a few minutes, and then I tried answering my own question by guessing. “I’m wondering if someone took a toy from you.” He nodded and snorted once more, but it was a weak snort, the intensity diminishing. He was forgiving me for my intrusion, so I continued. “It must have been a very special toy to make you feel this sad.” He nodded once more. This time he didn’t growl or snort. We were making progress! I waited to see if he would tell me what toy it was. He didn’t. So I guessed. “I wonder if it was a truck?” Finally, he turned and said, “No, it was my dinosaur!” “Oh,” I replied. “I can understand how sad that would be. I really like dinosaurs, too. My favorite is Tyrannosaurus rex. What’s yours?” “Brontosaurus,” he proclaimed, and proceeded to tell me he had a book about dinosaurs in his bag. “You do!” I exclaimed. “Would you like to get your book and read it with me?” He nodded and led the way to his cubby. Once again, I gave him his space, and walked next to him without touching him. When we returned to the office, I asked him where he would like to sit, offering him a chair at the table or on my lap. He chose a chair—still needing more space. Then he opened the book, turned it so that we both could see it, and proceeded to read it with me. It took twenty minutes until he began to laugh, and his body relaxed. It was only then that the teaching and planning could begin. I told him that next time he needed more quiet time he could say, “I’m not ready to talk yet.” Or, “I need a break before I can talk about this.” He didn’t need to snort. Words worked much better. He looked at me, but he didn’t snarl. I continued. “I’m noticing that your body seems much more relaxed and you’re smiling. Are you ready to go back to your classroom?”

  “No,” he replied.

  “All right,” I agreed, realizing he needed more time but also aware of my time limits. I said, “We can read three more pages, then you’ll need to go back to the classroom.” He agreed, and we read the pages.

  Introverts do need time for reflection. Even if it means waiting until the next day to talk through an issue, it’s worth the wait. But sometimes there are time limits. In this instance I realized Thomas was relaxed enough that I could set a deadline. It worked. If his intensity had been higher, I may have had to make a phone call and change my plans to give him a bit longer or find someone else who could take over. If neither of those options was feasible, I may have had to take him back to the classroom and help him find a quiet space there. Somehow I needed to help him get his reflection time. He couldn’t work with me until he got it. I needed to know that in order to stay out of a power struggle with him.

  If you’re an extrovert who finds yourself aggravated by the introvert who in your mind is taking too long to make a decision, you should know about a study completed at 3M Corporation. Engineers for 3M were sent out to fix problems for their customers. The engineers who preferred introversion took much longer to complete the tasks than their extroverted peers. However, those jobs completed by introverts had a vastly lower percentage of callbacks than those completed by the extroverts who had finished the jobs more quickly but failed to solve the actual problems the first time out. It’s worth your time to give the introverts the reflection time they need! (Ultimately 3M trained their extroverts to slow down and their introverts to give their clients more feedback as to why it was taking them longer. Both types have their strengths and weaknesses!)

  3. Coaching Introverts When They Need an Opportunity to Watch or Listen

  I still wasn’t quite done coaching Thomas. This “diffusing” session had taken twenty minutes. Obviously no one wants to do that every day, so I decided to finish our time together by teaching what he could do to prevent the problem in the first place. “Next time someone takes your toy, Thomas,” I said, “you may not hit him. You can say, ‘I’m not ready to share.’ Can you remember to do that?” He nodded. “Let’s practice,” I said. “Would you like to say those words yourself, or would you like to listen while I say them?” True to his type, he
chose to listen. Introverts learn best by listening and watching. I turned to the director. She pretended to take my book. “Stop,” I said firmly. “I’m not ready to share!” Thomas listened attentively. “Will you remember to use those words next time someone tries to take your toy?” I asked once more. He nodded, and we walked back to his classroom.

  Introverts need to be able to observe and practice privately. They don’t like to be put into the spotlight until they choose to be there themselves. That’s why some introverts throw a fit when the teacher sings their name in the hello song.

  In my classes we never sing a child’s name in circle time without first asking his permission to do so. If he says yes, we then ask if he would like it sung softly or loudly. Even the toddlers let us know their preference, and as a result the tantrums don’t occur.

  An introverted child may also need to be taught how to greet others or enter a large group. If you’re an extrovert, you may be tempted to “push her” into a group. But you can actually help her more by respecting her need for space and observation time. Let your child know that she is a person who is happier when she can observe before participating. Teach her to say hello and then to step back out of traffic in order to watch for a moment. She may need to learn to say, “I prefer to watch first,” in case there’s an extrovet in the room who unintentionally invades her space and tries to drag her into the action before she’s ready. When she understands what she is feeling and learns strategies for expressing those feelings appropriately, she’ll be working with you instead of embarrassing or frustrating you by running out of the room or hiding behind your body and refusing to talk. Ultimately, she may use those great observation skills to become a strong leader in the group or a fabulous performer.