Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  Plan for Success

  It’s really tough when kids come at you with scowls, snorts, and shrieks, and you have to help them sort out their feelings or to recognize that they need to recharge. When you understand what type you’re dealing with, you have the information you need to know how to approach them and make that connection.

  Think about the recent struggles you’ve had with your child. Now that you know her preferred type—extroversion or introversion—help her plan for success. For example, if your child is an extrovert and has been getting into trouble at school for interrupting or talking too much, you can tell her, “It’s difficult for you to wait because when a thought hits you, you want to share it. You get excited, and you want to talk. When that happens you can hold up a finger to let others know you want into the conversation, but you may not speak. You can say, ‘I’d like a turn.’ Or, ‘Excuse me, please.’”

  If your child is an introvert and has been getting into trouble for pushing or shoving when he feels crowded or disappears when he needs a break, you can let him know that in a crowded classroom he may feel uncomfortable and need space. Teach him to say, “I need space.” Or to ask the teacher if he can step into the bathroom or run an errand to the office in order to take a break.

  Working with your child’s preferred style keeps him open to your guidance. It allows you to teach him what he might be feeling and how to express those feelings respectfully. It’s this coaching that will stop those power struggles before they ever start.

  * * *

  Coaching Tips

  If you or your child prefer extroversion:

  Honor your need for conversation and activity.

  Be sensitive to the need of others for space and quiet.

  Understand introverts are not wasting time or rejecting you when they are quiet. They are thinking and recharging.

  Enjoy your ability to easily converse with others.

  Recognize that you are drained by too much time alone.

  Seek feedback. Needing and enjoying feedback is not an indication of low self-esteem.

  Remember to stop and listen.

  If you or your child prefer introversion:

  Honor your need for space, reflection time, and observation. Plan it into your day.

  Understand extroverts are “thinking” when they’re talking and what they initially suggest may not be their final decision.

  Be sensitive to others’ need for conversation and activity.

  Enjoy your observation skills and ability to carefully think things through.

  Recognize that you are drained by large groups and interaction.

  Learn to say, “I need to think about that.”

  Let extroverts know that you have heard them and are thinking about your answer.

  ELEVEN

  Too Sensitive or Too Analytical?

  How We Make Decisions

  “Naw…tellin’ the truth is good, Joey. I just overdid it a little.”

  —From Dennis the Menace,

  by Hank Ketcham

  Marnie glanced up the stairs just as her ten-year-old daughter, Tory, walked down. “Good morning,” she called to her, then added, “your bow is crooked.” Tory walked over to the mirror and fixed it. Moments later eleven-year-old Kelsey came down. Marnie also greeted her and noted that she too had a crooked bow, but Kelsey’s reaction was totally different from Tory’s. Instead of going to the mirror and fixing it, Kelsey burst into tears and wailed, “You don’t love me!”

  Marnie was flabbergasted by Kelsey’s reaction and immediately realized that somehow she’d unwittingly triggered Kelsey again. It was a common occurrence.

  Later that day the differences in the girls’ reactions were evident again. After school each of them had brought home a friend. A hot game of Monopoly totally engrossed them, until suddenly Marnie heard Tory’s voice sharp and accusing. “Kelsey, you’re cheating!” Kelsey burst into tears. Marnie pulled the two of them into another room and demanded to know what was going on. “She gave Sarah fifty dollars to get out of jail,” Tory declared. “Sarah was broke. She should have been out of the game, but no, Kelsey slipped her a fifty! That’s cheating!” She glared at her sister. Kelsey sniffled, “But, Mom,” she explained, “if I didn’t give Sarah fifty dollars she’d be out of the game. She couldn’t play anymore. I didn’t want her to be sad or to just have to sit there while we finished the game. That would feel awful.”

  Two kids, two very different responses. Years ago, I would not have recognized their differences nor the value of both of their approaches. But today I could, because of the Myers-Briggs research. Today I recognized that Tory’s preferred style is thinking; Kelsey’s is feeling.

  Figuring out what you feel starts by talking if you prefer extroversion, or reflecting if you prefer introversion; but it doesn’t stop there. In their research Katharine Briggs and Isabel Briggs Meyers also discovered that people make decisions about the information they’ve received. For some kids, like Tory, those decisions are guided by the “facts.” Thinking types are influenced by what “makes sense to them, and what they believe to be truthful and just.” If the bow is crooked, you fix it. If you’re broke, you’re out of the game. You respond to the facts.

  Others, like Kelsey, immediately experience and respond to the feelings of the situation. They don’t just hear the fact that their bow is crooked, they feel criticism from their mother and are hurt. It’s the feeling types like Kelsey who step right into the emotions and can actually experience the feelings of others around them. Their decisions are guided by what “feels right” to them. As a result a rule that leads to someone feeling left out needs to be changed.

  It’s the differences between the thinking types and feeling types that can be most painful when misunderstood. Frequently the feelers are viewed as too sensitive, while the thinking types are criticized for being too analytical or insensitive. It’s essential that we remember that both types experience strong emotions and feel deeply. But what triggers them and what they need to stay connected are very different.

  Thinkers and Feelers Are Born, Not Made

  “We can’t go home yet!” Jennifer wailed when her mother told her they’d run out of time shopping at the mall and needed to leave to pick up her dad from the office. “But you promised I could buy a toy. You said it’s important to tell the truth and keep our promises!” Jennifer continued. “We can call Dad and tell him we’ll be late picking him up. You promised!” Thinkers use logic to make a decision and solve problems. They convince others by “proving” their point. Thinkers also need to understand “why” to feel comfortable and are easily upset if they make a mistake or fail. When their team loses, they need to analyze what could have been done better and to lay out a plan for winning next time.

  Feelers make decisions by considering the impact on other people. They convince others through persuasion. If Jennifer’s sibling was a feeler, she’d probably say something like, “Jennifer, let’s go get Daddy. He’s got more money and then we can buy a bigger toy!” Feelers need harmony to feel comfortable and are upset by conflict. If their team loses, their first response is to cheer everyone up.

  During the preschool years children explore their preference for thinking and feeling. All children will explore both preferences, but during the school years they will begin to find that they prefer one style to the other. This preference is as innate to a child as gender or eye color.

  When your child is upset or needs direction, it becomes especially important to respond to her preferred type. If your child is a feeler, she needs your sympathy and empathy in order to hear you. If you try facts and logic or move into a solution too quickly, you’ll set her off and disconnect. If your child is a thinker, she may pull away from your warm hug or tell you to “cut the sympathy” and help her fix the problem instead. Knowing whether you and your child need to deal with facts or feelings first is essential for effective emotion coaching; otherwise you can unwittingly pull yourself into power struggles
.

  Identifying Your Preferred Style

  It is possible to do a formal assessment of your child’s preferences, but we’re going to let your child’s words and actions give you the information you need. If you watch and listen closely, your child will show you whether she is using her thinking or feeling preference. This awareness will help you know where to start when things are sizzling. Think, too, about your own preferences. How you and your child work together is most important.

  * * *

  If your child is a thinker she probably:

  —is an excellent critical thinker who is able to quickly analyze the facts, see the flaws in ideas, people, or things, and can’t resist offering solutions or suggestions for improvement, i.e., You’re holding the gerbil the wrong way. Logic guides her decisions.

  —finds it easier to explain what happened than how she feels about it.

  —needs to know “why” things are done and loves a good debate. This is the child who gets into trouble for taking an opposing stance or asking, “Why do I have to do that?” She becomes upset if you answer, “Because I said so!”

  —values justice and becomes alarmed if something is unfair. When playing a game, she will insist that everyone play by the rules, even if that means someone is “out.” She is incensed if you break a promise.

  —hates to feel incompetent and becomes upset if you try to review her mistakes with her or suggest other strategies.

  —does not want to talk about feelings when she is upset and may reject your comforting hug, cover her ears with her hands, and refuse to talk at all.

  —highly values truth and may get into trouble for being too blunt. When asked to be more tactful she may say, “Do you want me to lie?”

  If your child is a feeler he probably:

  —is very sensitive, experiencing strong emotional reactions to anything including sad movies, or hurt feelings. He is also very aware of the emotions of others. As a result he may feel great about winning a game but worry about how the loser feels.

  —needs to work through his emotions before he is ready to problem solve and may say something like, “I got a C on my math test. I’ll never be accepted into college. What good would a tutor do? I’m a complete failure.”

  —highly values harmony and will avoid confrontation or conflict even if it means giving up a toy or letting some one else make the choice.

  —may experience stomach or headaches if there is conflict at home or in the classroom.

  —is easily hurt by criticism and may immediately ask if you love him when you reprimand him.

  —is deeply concerned with how decisions affect others and may change the rules of the game if following them would mean someone was “out.”

  —needs to know others like him in order to perform well.

  Count how many statements in each group describe your child’s typical reaction.

  Thinking statements—

  Feeling statements—

  Your child doesn’t get into power struggles with himself. So go back through the statements and this time check the ones that fit you best. What’s your total?

  Thinking statements—

  Feeling statements

  * * *

  If you are uncertain of your child’s preferred style after reading through the statements, you may need to tune in more closely in the next few weeks. Watch and listen carefully, and he will show you his preference.

  Remember these traits are on a continuum. You and your child may demonstrate a very strong preference or a mild one and can also learn to use both. Ultimately, the best decisions are those that consider both facts and feelings. We just need to remember that the thinking types work best when they can analyze the facts first and the feeling types need that Band-Aid on their feelings before they’re ready to problem solve with you.

  Coaching Your Thinking Child

  While every individual is unique, there are some common strategies that can help you stay connected to your thinking child and out of power struggles.

  1. Deal with the Facts First

  Four-year-old David’s sister was very frustrated with herself. “I could kick myself in the head!” she exclaimed. Her mother responded, “That’s why God put our feet so far from our head. So we wouldn’t do that.” David listened intently and then offered, “I could do it for you.” David wasn’t intentionally being insensitive, he simply responded to the facts and came up with a solution.

  It’s the thinking types who tend to stand back from a situation, look at the facts, take an objective view of the situation, and come up with a solution. Their decisions are guided by logic. The image that comes to my mind is that of a cat approaching a puddle. When a cat approaches, a puddle it prowls the edges, slapping the surface with one paw, testing, jumping back, pulling away. It’s edgy, wary of jumping in. When upset, thinking kids like to step away from their feelings, which means they sometimes may not address the feelings that are truly fueling the problem. That’s what happened to Ben.

  He was a thinker who wanted to win a place on the student council. But that day at school he’d overheard other kids saying they were going to vote for Nathan. Frustrated and scared, his anxiety rose. He didn’t want to lose! But even more than that, he didn’t want to cry, nor did he want to admit his feelings of vulnerability. By the time he got home a volcano was brewing inside of him. His mother noticed it and tried to offer him a hug, but he pushed away from her. When his brother wouldn’t give him a turn shooting the basketball, he attacked. His mother had to pull him off his brother and send him into the shower to cool off. An hour later as she sat by him in his room, she asked him why he’d been so upset, but he couldn’t tell her. She tried once again to offer him a hug, but he pushed her away. Frustrated, she started to reprimand him. How could she help him if he wouldn’t let her? Then suddenly she remembered the discussions in class about thinkers and feelers and realized that her son was responding as a thinker. Immediately she switched tactics and said, “Tell me what happened.” Ben started describing the conversations he’d over heard at school. “I want to win!” he declared. “Nathan’s giving out suckers and all the kids are saying they’ll vote for him. It isn’t fair.”

  It’s the thinking child who covers her ears and turns away from you when you try to talk feelings with her, especially if she also prefers introversion. In fact, if you attempt to give her a hug or discuss the feelings when her intensity is high, she may strike out at you either with her fists or with words. She doesn’t want to go into those feelings at first. She prefers to stand back and look at the situation more logically. If your child rejects your overtures of sympathy, simply say, “Tell me what happened.” If that doesn’t work, try asking questions. “Did someone say something you didn’t like?” Or, “Was something unfair?” Stick to the facts even if your first inclination is to teach her about feelings and relationships with others. Later you can deal with the emotions and teach her that it’s not all right to attack others when she’s frustrated or scared.

  2. Let Them Feel Competent

  When Kim saved her five-year-old son from being hit by a swing, instead of being grateful, he demanded to know why she had done it. In fact, he pulled away from her warm hug and walked back past the swing! “If I hadn’t known he was a thinker,” she said, “I would have been furious, but I realized he hates to look incompetent and by ‘saving him,’ when other kids were watching, I’d embarrassed him. He had to prove that he could handle it.”

  Thinking kids do not want to feel incompetent. They highly value achievement and as a result are often their own toughest critic. That’s why criticism given after a situation upsets them deeply. They hate to review their mistakes. When you try to discipline them or practice a different response with them, they may tell you that you are the meanest parent in the world, refuse to listen, or explain in detail why their actions were correct.

  In order to keep them working with you, set goals before they start an activity. For example, you might sa
y, “You’re running for student council. Here’s the plan. If you win, it’s important that you be courteous to the losers and tell them that they ran a good race. If you lose, you need to congratulate the winner. When you come home, if you’re feeling badly, you can go for a run or take a break in your room, but you can’t come home and yell at us.”

  If you do need to review a situation, you might say, “What happened today can’t happen again. Let’s talk about what we can do differently next time.” Then focus on setting up a plan for the future! Avoid dwelling on past mistakes or you will lose your thinking child.

  And don’t forget to validate her competence. When Helen returned from a walk with her neighbor she found her nine-year-old daughter, Janey, crying and screaming hysterically at several neighborhood children. The other kids were arguing that Janey had pushed another child into the water. Janey was screaming, “No, I didn’t. I didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t fair!” Helen recognized a thinking kid in action. “I realized that Janey would argue to the death,” she said. “I was afraid she’d end up alienating the entire neighborhood, so I dragged her into the house away from the commotion. I wanted to talk with her about the importance of getting along with others, but I knew if I started there she just get more upset. I remembered how important it is for her to feel competent, so to calm her I said, ‘You’re someone who really values truth. That’s such a great quality, an important characteristic. You have the courage to stand up for what you believe. The world needs people like you.’ She calmed down immediately, and I knew that later I could teach her that maybe next time instead of shouting ‘That’s not true!’ she might say, “I’m sorry if you thought I pushed you, I never intended to.’ Or, ‘That’s not the way I saw it, but I’m sorry if you did.’”