Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  When you’re working with your thinking child, make your comments specific. General praise is suspect to her. She wants to know specifically what you like or what she has done well. Comments like “Great idea” or “You jumped one hundred times” mean much more to this child than “Super!”

  Thinking kids need direct coaching when it comes to identifying and acknowledging feelings, especially those that make them feel vulnerable. Admitting that they made a mistake or apologizing takes a great deal of effort. You’ll have to teach them how important it is to do so and then help them to do it.

  3. Justly Apply Rules

  Three children were playing at the Play-Doh table. I was a visitor and didn’t know the rules. So when another child came to the table, I asked, “Does anyone have extra Play-Doh so Alyssa can play, too?” Clair turned to me and matter-of-factly informed me, “The rule is only three children may be at the Play-Doh table at one time. Alyssa will have to wait.”

  Thinking kids value justice. They become alarmed if rules are changed or something seems unfair. The principle of fairness is very important. When playing a game, thinking kids will insist that everyone play by the rules even if that decision means that someone is out or unhappy. Statements like, “You don’t like it when the rules are changed” can be very effective. If your child rejects your statements, try using questions like, “How did you see it?” or, “Are you trying to understand why the rule was changed?”

  In school it’s essential that thinking kids know the criteria for evaluation and grades. They also need to know what the rules are and that they will be enforced for all kids.

  It’s the “gray” situations that can throw off the thinking kid. He likes to focus on the facts. Sometimes you have to teach him directly the importance of considering the feelings of others and adjusting those rules when doing so would not hurt the good of the group.

  Twelve-year-old Lindsey had been very focused on facts. “Feelings don’t matter,” she declared to her mother. “A rule is a rule. If you’re out. You’re out. That’s it.” Her mother realized there were times that adjusting for the feelings and needs of others was important, so she said to Lindsey, “I know you’ve moved your bedroom downstairs and have it all set up, but your brother’s coming home from college and the fact is he’s older than you and has lots of stuff. I think you should move back upstairs to the smaller room and he should have the larger room downstairs for the summer.” “That’s not fair!” Lindsey declared. “I worked hard setting that room up. It’s mine.”

  “But the fact is he’s older,” her mother continued, “and he has more stuff.”

  “That’s not fair!” Lindsey protested again.

  “Oh, so you would like me to consider your feelings in making this decision?” her mother asked.

  “Of course!” Lindsey declared.

  “So feelings matter?” her mother asked.

  Lindsey huffed and puffed but ultimately realized from her mother’s example that some rules are “gray” and that it really is important to consider the feelings of those involved and adjust them accordingly.

  4. Explain Why

  “Look at the big white snowman,” Joe remarked to his six-year-old daughter as they drove by. “It’s black,” she retorted. Later he said, “It’s time to go to bed.” “But why do I have to go to bed?” she questioned. “Because we have to get up early for work and school,” he replied. “But why do we have to go to school and work?” she asked.

  It’s the thinking kids who can often pull you into what feels like an intellectual trap. A good debate can be pure joy for thinking children. They may freely choose to take an opposing position simply to check it out. It’s important to remember that when they are asking questions, they aren’t just debating, they are trying to clarify the facts, analyze them, and understand why. They are offended if you respond to their “Why” by saying, “Because I said so.” Firm-minded and unwilling to accept an answer until the facts prove it or until they fully understand an issue, it’s often the thinking kids who get into trouble for questioning authority. That’s what happened to Victoria.

  She was six and in trouble when her mother called me. “It’s the ‘mouth,’” she said. This time the teacher had said, “Victoria, the order for your shorts came in, put them in your backpack.” Victoria was a competent kid who prided herself in knowing what was going on in her life. Her mother had not told her to expect an order. She responded to her teacher by planting her feet, folding her arms, and stating firmly, “Those are not my shorts!”

  Offended by her tone, the teacher replied, “Victoria, these are your shorts. Put them in your backpack now!”

  Not easily swayed from her position, Victoria held her ground, repeating, “They’re not mine!”

  The teacher charged on, “Victoria, put the shorts in your backpack and sit down!”

  At this point Victoria, knowing that physical might was not in her favor, complied, but the battle was not over. Walking to the cloakroom she mumbled, “Fine, but they’re not mine!”

  The teacher called her mother. Her mother called me. “Help,” she declared. “How do I teach my daughter to back off?”

  How different this scenario might have been if the teacher had recognized a thinking kid and had said something like, “Oh, you didn’t expect this order. The shorts came on a back order. I was surprised, too. Would you like to check the address label? Or would you like to call your mother and check with her?” Later, when the intensity was down, the teacher could have talked to Victoria about the importance of a respectful tone and given her more suitable words to use that wouldn’t “push buttons” for adults. How much better if Victoria had known to say, “I wasn’t expecting an order; may I check with my mother?”

  Understanding why is very important for the child using his thinking preference.

  5. Teach to Be Truthful and Tactful

  Kelsey’s friend was terribly upset that she’d gotten into trouble for forgetting an assignment. Kelsey listened to her woes and then responded, “Maybe you should have written it down.” Kelsey’s mother was mortified. “How can she be so insensitive?” she asked. “Kelsey has very strong feelings herself; doesn’t she care about those of others?”

  Because they value truth, thinking kids can get into trouble for being blunt. They tend to step back, analyze a situation, and matter-of-factly respond. They don’t mean to hurt someone’s feelings; they are just looking for solutions and being honest about what they perceive to be the facts.

  During class one night Dave started to laugh. “My son must be a thinking kid,” he said. “The father of a neighbor died, and I had my kids write sympathy notes. Kenna, my little feeler, wrote, ‘Dear Dick, I’m very sorry that Grandpa Dan had to die. I loved to ride in the golf cart with him.’ Brad, my thinking kid, wrote, ‘Dear Dick, I didn’t know him as well as everybody else. I remember him driving the golf cart. I was too young to remember riding on the tractor with him, but my mom told me I did. That’s it for memories from me.’

  “I thought he could do a little better then that,” Dave said “so I said to him, How about a little more compassion.” He responded, ‘Dad, do you want me to lie? I really didn’t know him very well.’”

  You can count on factual kids to be straightforward and may have to teach them specific phrases like, “That’s interesting,” instead of, “That’s stupid.” Or, “I didn’t see it that way, but I understand that you did,” instead of, “You’re wrong!”

  Coaching Your Feeling Child

  Communicating with feeling kids requires a very different approach from the one that thinking kids need. In order to keep them working with you and to help them understand their emotions, feeling kids need these types of responses.

  1. Validate Their Feelings

  Eleven-year-old Jason was sitting all alone in his room when I walked in. I knew there had been a conflict with his friends, so I asked him what had happened. When he told me, I temporarily forgot everything I’ve ever know
n about individual differences and totally discounted his feelings by remarking, “Oh, Jason, those are your friends. I’m sure they didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. You need to go and tell them they hurt your feelings so that they won’t do it again.” Fortunately Jason was a very forgiving child. He didn’t blow up on me. Instead he lamented, “I know, Mary, everyone always tells me that I need to go and talk with them, but right now I’m feeling so sad, would it be all right just to be miserable for a while?”

  What Jason taught me at that moment was that feeling kids need to climb into those emotions, wrap them around, and thrash in them before they’re ready to let them go. If you’re a factual person, you may feel their response is an overreaction or that they are being too sensitive and emotional. But telling them to ignore their feeling or stop feeling that way doesn’t work. They have to experience that disappointment and frustration before they are ready to problem solve with you or listen to your advice. When you respond empathetically they’ll work with you. If you try to talk them out of their feelings, their intensity will skyrocket.

  In order to stay connected, you might say something that invites your child to share with you how she is feeling, like, “I’m so sorry that happened.” Or asking questions like, “Is it upsetting you that someone’s feelings were hurt?” “Did that hurt your feelings?” “Would you like a hug?” or “Is the fighting bothering you?” As you work with her, step into her emotion to connect and explore those feelings with her. Avoid minimizing or discounting the emotion or you’ll miss its importance and depth. Hold your advice for later. Remember, if your child is an introvert, you’ll have to give her time for reflection before she’ll be ready to talk with you.

  Irene found this information very helpful. Her three-year-old son had been a terror to get dressed. “He can’t make up his mind,” she complained. Since she was a factual person, initially she had tried logic as she worked with him. “I told him,” she said, “either you choose or Mommy will choose.” When he couldn’t make a choice, she’d say, “Okay, Mommy will make it for you.” He’d end up a screaming heap on the floor. “Now I realize he’s a real feeling kid, so the other morning instead of being my rational self, I stopped and said to him, ‘It’s frustrating when you can’t make a decision.’” He listened and stopped fussing.

  If you are an introvert or a more factual person yourself, and your feeling child’s venting is exhausting you, you can let her know your limits and encourage her to find other listeners besides you. Remember, too, that not every emotion needs a solution; it may simply need to be expressed.

  According to Myers and Briggs, about 40 percent of males and 60 percent of females are feelers. If you have a feeling son, it’s important to recognize his preference. He’s dealing not only with his strong emotions but also with societal stereotypes of what it means to be “a guy.”

  2. Find Solutions That “Feel” Right For Everyone Involved

  Children who prefer to sort through the feelings first are very aware of the body language and nonverbal communication of others. They are so observant and perceptive that they’ll notice the slightest expression or movement. For example, your son may tell you his teacher has “yelling” eyes. When you look closely, you’ll realize she does! Even if your child is not the child being yelled at in class, he may be the one who is suffering from headaches and stomach aches. The conflict in the classroom upsets him.

  Because they are so aware of emotions, feeling children strongly consider the impact of their decisions on other people. At school or on the play ground, they’re the children who give up the toy rather than fighting for it. They are the children who change the rules to ensure that everyone can stay in the game or will get a turn, which infuriates their more factual counterparts and leads to accusations that they’re cheating. They may also get into trouble for “fudging” the facts or using lots of words if they feel the truth will upset you. That’s what happened to Kate’s daughter.

  “She’s incredibly sensitive,” Kate told us. “Courtney doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Last year she wanted to quit piano, but she couldn’t bear to tell me. So she wrote me a note that said, ‘I really want to quit. I hate it. I’m crying as I write this note, but if you really want me to continue I will.’”

  I suspect Bobby McFerrin is a feeler, too. When he first started conducting the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra, he admitted in an interview that he found the task very difficult. “I could sing for them the way I wanted them to sound,” he said, “but there were times I actually needed to tell them things. I sought the counsel of one of the members. She told me, ‘Go ahead and tell us what you want. We’re used to being told what to do.’ He was amazed. ‘You mean,’ he remarked, ‘that I can just say I want it this way and I don’t have to worry that the second chair trumpet player won’t like me?’”

  How decisions affect others is very important to the feeling individual. That’s why it’s essential that as you problem solve with them, you take the time to look at each possible solution and make sure it feels right for everyone involved. Kate found this to be true with her daughter Christine.

  Christine’s classmates complained about her sloppy work habits. She was keeping too many things on their shared work table, they said. Christine told them she understood and would try to work on it. “They hurt my feelings,” she told her mother. “I was so sad.” Her factual mom brainstormed options with her. Christine rejected each potential solution because they didn’t “feel right.” Suddenly she announced, “I have a pencil holder that is broken. I could throw it away. That would give people more space. I think it’s all right to leave my water bottle there, everyone else does, and we could try a rule that everyone has two things on the table.” She stopped looked at her mom and inquired, “Mom, it doesn’t hurt your feelings if I don’t use your solutions, does it?” Her mother reassured her that it was fine. Christine’s eyes lit up as she exclaimed, “I think we can work this out so everyone will be happy!”

  What’s most important to kids using their feeling preference is that solutions feel right and make other people happy even if those solutions don’t always seem logical to the more factual types.

  3. Reassure Them That They’re Liked

  In order to perform their best, feeling kids need to know they’re liked. That’s why building a relationship with your feeling child is essential for winning their cooperation. Yelling at them, getting tough, or criticizing doesn’t work. They need a gentle touch, positive words, and the reassurance that they have done well. Your disapproval saddens them and may actually stop them from performing. They need to hear that you love them, empathize with them, and care before they are ready to listen to your advice.

  “Oh, that’s why teaching my son how to tie his shoe was so different from working with my daughter,” Suzanne exclaimed in class. “I matter-of-factly taught my daughter to make a loop, wrap it around, pull it through. She practiced and pushed herself to learn. But my son fussed throughout the entire lesson. He turned away and moaned that it was too hard. When I stopped and said, ‘It’s all right, you’ll learn. It’s kind of scary, but you have time,’ he started to practice. First he had to know that I wouldn’t get angry at him. When he knew he had my support, making a loop was easy. After he learned to tie, he came running to me and exclaimed, ‘I can tie my shoes and I can help others because I know there’s lots of kids who don’t know how to tie yet.’” The feeling child needs to know you like him before he’s ready to perform for you.

  If feeling children think their teacher doesn’t appreciate them, they’re likely to be so stressed that focusing and performing can be very challenging. In school, feeling kids need a harmonious climate, lots of positive feedback, personal greetings, group projects that children work on as a team rather than competing, and opportunities to change the rules if enforcing them would hurt someone’s feelings.

  4. Teach How to Be Assertive

  Feeling kids value harmony as a very valuable trait, but sometimes that
desire for harmony can make it difficult for them to assert their own needs. That’s what happened to David.

  “You’re describing my son!” Bob exclaimed in class. “Last week I told the kids that they could pick out a bag of candy. My daughter Megan asked David what he wanted.”

  “I don’t care,” he said, “as long as it doesn’t have nuts in it.”

  “How about chocolate kisses?” Megan continued.

  “That’s fine,” David replied. “Everybody loves chocolate.”

  “No, we’d get more pieces if we bought red licorice,” Megan replied, “and they won’t melt.”

  “Sure,” David answered. “Everyone would like having as many pieces as they wanted.”

  “Oh, look, here’s peanut butter cups. They’re on sale!” Megan squealed in excitement. She turned, holding a bag of licorice in one hand and the peanut butter cups in the other. “Which ones do you want to get?” she asked David.

  “I don’t care; you can decide,” he answered.

  But Megan knew that wasn’t entirely true. David didn’t like peanut butter either. If she picked peanut better cups, he wouldn’t like them, even if they didn’t have nuts in them. She tried to push him to be more specific.

  “I really don’t care,” he protested. “Really!”

  “But you do and you’re not standing up for yourself!” she retorted and turned to complain to her father, “If he won’t stand up for himself, he won’t get what he really wants.”

  It may be that David is getting what he wants. Maybe he doesn’t care about the candy as much as he cares about harmony with his sister. If that’s true, then it really doesn’t matter what kind of candy they buy; but if he does prefer one over the other, then David needs his dad’s help learning that he can assert his own needs and still live and work harmoniously with others. His dad might teach him to say, “Let’s check our budget and see if we could buy two smaller bags of candy so we could each choose our favorites.” Or, the licorice gives us more pieces and is cheaper even if it isn’t on sale. By learning to be a creative problem solver, David can learn to solve problems in a way that maintains harmony and allows him to assert his own feelings and needs.