by Raathi Chota
“Because I don’t deserve her! Look where I am!” Levi exclaimed as he cut me off. “Look at my life! I have no fucking future because I fucked up in college. I have nothing. I can’t give her anything.”
“You can give her the love that she always gave you,” Keene said as he leaned against the wall.
“Yet you’re self-centered and only care about yourself,” I added. That seemed to hit a nerve because Levi stood up and looked down at me.
“Don’t talk shit! I care for her as much as you do! I’d rather see her being happy with someone else than suffer with me…just not him,” he yelled. I wasn’t in the mood to argue anymore, so I stared at him. He exhaled heavily then turned his back to me. He ran a hand through his dark hair then took out his Zippo. I closed my eyes as I heard the flick of the lighter being opened and closed. It was a habit. A loud knock erupted through the house as I opened my eyes. Axel moved to answer, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tamia walk into the kitchen.
“Hey pum—”
“Where are they?” Lana demanded, and I bit my lip because I knew she’d go all out on us. Axel opened the door further and gestured behind him. I watched as she slowly walked in wearing a white dress, black heels, and an oversized denim jacket. Axel shut the door after her then walked into the kitchen while Keene and Jaden stayed. She looked at us while I looked at her. She cried, her eyes shone, and her makeup was smudged. I remained seated while Levi stood in front of her, yet I still got a clear view of her face. “What the hell was that?” she finally asked. I opened my mouth to speak, but she beat me to it. “Why the fuck would you guys do that? Behind my back…literally! Behind my fucking back!”
“He deserved it; he just needed to know what he put you throu—”
“Oh my—can’t you just move the fuck on? It’s not like you haven’t screwed up before! We were all starting to get along right after Noel’s death, but you two just fucked it up,” she cut Levi off then looked at me.
“We were drunk. We just saw him there,” I said.
“Jaden, where’s your house?” She ignored me then turned to Jaden.
“Up in the hills…”
“Exactly, so how the fuck did you get from Jaden’s house ‘drunk’ to downtown, right opposite the restaurant, just in time to beat up Benny?” she demanded.
“Coincidence.”
“Why would you do that?” She looked at me then Levi. “Why?”
“He hurt you, Lana. We just showed him what it fe—”
“You guys are such hypocrites! Yet you do the exact same thing to him! Where’d you think that was going to get you, huh? Both of you proved shit!” she screamed as the tears fell. “But no, people like Levi Radcliff and Blake Gunner always want to have a say in everything, always want their way. Just because they have tattoos, piercings, drink and smoke, they think it’s okay to fuck with other people because they get what they want! They think their looks and reputation will save their fucking asses, but not this time. A night out doing crazy shit won’t fix this! Not this time…”
I noticed Levi wanted to say something but didn’t. She turned to me, and I saw the look of betrayal on her face. I hated myself when I made her cry.
“And you?” She gave me a questioning look. “You have nothing to say.”
“I don’t regret doing it…” I replied honestly. That seemed to trigger her as she squeezed her fists then launched at me. Keene held her back while I remained seated. Keene blocked my view of her as he whispered something to her. He stroked her hair, but she shook her head. Keene didn’t argue, so he slowly backed away. We watched hopelessly as Lana cried. I closed my eyes for a moment as I took in her sobs, sniffles, and quick breaths. I finally opened my eyes to see Lana gaze up at Levi, her face all puffed up with her bottom lip trembling.
“Can’t you see that he makes me happy, that I care about him? How he’s trying so hard and how he changed?” she bawled out then wiped her tears with her sleeves. “Yet neither of you will ever change! You’ll still be selfish, arrogant, egotistical assholes! I hate you!”
“I’m sorry,” Levi breathed out.
“No…sorry is not gonna cut it, Levi, not this time. When I needed you the most, you weren’t there, so fuck you! Now you’re here, just to fuck up my life again!” As she spoke, I heard her voice break. “If you don’t like Benny, then just say it and leave us the fuck alone. I’m done with you two. I fucking hate you for this.” She then turned to me. We stared at each other, and my features softened as she shut her eyes and cried.
“You don’t mean that, bab—”
“It’s Lana. My name is Lana. Lana Jane fucking Willson and that is what you’ll only call me! Not baby girl, not princess, not nerd…Lana! My name is Lana!”
Her breaths were heavy, which made her chest rise and fall. A disappointed look filled her face as she stared at Levi. She tugged on her hair then let out a dry laugh.
“All you two have ever done was fuck me over and made me look like a fool for thinking that you two have good sides and how you care about someone else other than yourselves, but no, if it doesn’t benefit you guys, then you don’t give a shit who gets hurt.” With every word, she pressed her index finger on Levi’s chest. “From now on, fix up your own goddamn lives before you decide to fuck with mine.”
I was speechless after that; I didn’t know what to say next because to apologize wouldn’t cut it. I should’ve listened to Keene and instead stayed close friends with Lana. At least it’s better than her hatred toward me. Lana let out a deep sigh then slowly turned around. I gritted my teeth because I hated myself for not going after her. I couldn’t, though; she needed to cool off. I blinked then watched as she stopped by the table that stood a few feet away from the door. She turned her head, and I followed her gaze to the glass vase. It’s the same vase that she helped me glue back together.
“Benny said I was like a fragile piece of glass that kept breaking and he tried so hard to put the pieces back together,” she said then touched the vase, which still had a few visible cracks. “But no matter how many times you try…it’ll never be the same. You’ll still see the cracks.”
With that, she pushed her finger, and I bit down hard on my lip as the vase fell. Pieces scattered the ground around Lana, but she didn’t seem to care as she walked over it to the door. I kept my gaze on the pieces, and as she slammed the door shut, they shook. Tamia and Axel entered the living room. Axel remained silent as he leaned against the wall, but I saw the disappointed look. Tamia was amused since she folded her arms and laughed.
“You guys really did it now,” she said.
“Tell me something I don’t know, Tamia.” Levi huffed then shoved his hands in his pockets.
“She’s never gonna forgive you.” Keene shook his head. “No matter how many times you apologize…she has this feeling that you’re gonna fuck up again.”
“Yeah, unless you do something like a…life and death situation,” Jaden said. “Maybe then she’ll at least be a bit…sincere.”
I opened my mouth to tell Jaden off but stopped when I heard a loud thump. Everyone else seemed to hear it too as we shared looks. Then we heard glass shatter and realized it came from outside. We ran outside, and my left eye twitched when I saw my motorcycle on the ground. I saw Lana use the knob of the baseball bat. My eyes widened as she gripped onto it, pulled back, and hit it against the window of Levi’s Mustang.
“Lana!” Levi yelled as he tried to approach her. She smirked as she grabbed the other end and swung the bat as hard as she could, hitting the side mirror off. We ducked as it flew toward us. I looked over my shoulder to see that it landed in the grass. I turned back to Lana to see that she stood by my motorcycle. I quickly approached her then blocked her aim.
“Stop! I’m sorry, okay!” I yelled. “I didn’t mean to fuc—”
“Save your lame excuse for someone who gives a fuck.” She cut me off then pressed the end of the bat against my chest. “You hurt someone I care about; I hurt something that you care about.
”
I wrapped my hand around the bat because I wanted to take it but centered my attention toward her. She took off the chain I got her, released the bat from my hold, then tossed the chain toward me. “Bet’s over; I fucking win,” she said then slowly backed away. “I’m not telling you shit.”
Lana walked away with the bat. We watched as she spun around and approached a car driven by Marcus with Miranda in the passenger seat. Once she got in, they drove off and left us with damaged vehicles. I looked down at the chain and gripped it so tight I thought I’d see blood. The fact that Lana wore it made my heart sink.
“Where you going?” Levi asked, and I looked up to see Keene by the sidewalk.
“Home,” he replied.
“I’ll take you,” Levi offered, but Keene shook his head.
“No. You guys are acting so normal after that. Lana’s right…both of you are fucked up,” Keene said as he looked at me then Levi.
“Dude, come on, it’ll blow over,” Levi said.
“No, it won’t! What do you think fighting Benny was going to do? That she’d come to her senses, dump him, then go to one of you?” Keene stated as Levi and I turned to each other. “Neither of you can have her. So it’ll just end up with you two fighting for her, like she’s some rag doll you can just toss around. When she goes to Yale, who do you think will be there for her in the end?”
“Carter,” Levi replied, and my jaw clenched because I knew Keene was right.
“Exactly, and don’t go pull a dick move and beat him up too,” Keene said then looked at me. “Because he’s your best friend.”
With that, Keene turned around and walked off. Levi muttered out a round of swear words then walked back into the house. I rolled my eyes as I shoved the chain in my pocket then followed him. Once we were inside, I saw Tamia and Axel cleaning up the glass. As they swept, the glass screeched against the floor, which reminded me of what Lana said. I glanced up and noticed Levi’s stare at the glass. It was his idea to go to Lana in the first place. He had more to drink than me, so I had to drive because I noticed when Levi’s drunk he got violent and difficult.
“This is all your fault,” I accused. We locked eyes, and I watched as Levi’s eyes darkened.
“How is it my fau—”
“You wanted to go there, and I told you to just leave it the fuck alone. I said…not now.” I raised my voice.
“Yeah, but did that stop you when you were kicking him? I didn’t have to say anything to let you do it because you just dropped your cigarette and gave him what he deserved!”
“Well, she fucking hates me now! It’s all your fucking fault!”
“He deserved it, and you know it!”
“What do you care about? Hurting Lana or protecting her?” I asked. Levi’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he avoided eye contact. “That’s what I thought.”
“You idiots really have done it now.” Tamia shook her head. My jaw tightened because I had enough.
“Shut the fuck up, Tamia. No one asked for your fucking input!” I shouted then backed into the hallway.
“Blake, calm down…” Axel trailed off as I walked into the guest room. I glanced around at Levi’s duffle bag, grabbed it, then stuffed whatever things of his I found inside it. Once I was done, I grabbed his guitar then stormed out of the room. I approached Levi then shoved his belongings in his chest.
“Get the fuck out of my house. Fucking leave, you prick!” I shouted. He spun around, and I pushed him out the door. My breathing was heavy as I watched Levi gather his things and walk to his fucked-up car. I turned to Jaden, who sat on the sofa. “The fuck are you still doing here?”
He chuckled and pushed himself up. Being the annoying prick he was, he still said his good-byes to us, and as he passed me, I resisted the urge to bash his head against the wall. He was involved too. Jaden was the one who got Levi and me back on cigarettes over spring break, and from there he invited us to parties. Once he was out, I slammed the door then leaned against it. I shut my eyes and took deep breaths. The lump in my throat grew bigger every time I breathed. Like everything that I felt for Lana wanted to come out. Yet the pain that I put her through ate me up because I hated myself. I opened my eyes to see Axel in front of me. I walked to him and stared him dead in the eye. I wouldn’t mind being open because Tamia and Axel saw me at my worst, not Levi, Keene, or Jaden.
“I hate myself for putting her through so much pain,” I mumbled as he opened his arms. “N-No, I’m not a hugg—Axel, you know I’m not a big hugger.”
“Well, I am, brother, and I can see that you need it,” he mumbled, and I finally gave in when I wrapped my arms around him. I gritted my teeth to prevent the tears. I didn’t want to cry. Last time I cried was at Dad’s funeral. I couldn’t cry, yet the tears in my eyes said otherwise. When I looked up, I noticed Tamia’s jaw dropped.
“What are you looking at?” I demanded as I let go of Axel. She walked toward me and stared at me with interest. Her hand reached up for my face, but I stopped them as I backed away.
“I can see it on your face, Blake Gunner. You’re so in love with that girl t—”
“That it hurts,” I cut off as a tear rolled down my cheek, but I wiped it away with my sleeve. I saw Momma walk in with a confused expression. Her eyes met mine as her features softened. As I slowly walked to her the tears came, I felt so weak and stupid. I wrapped my arms tight around her, I thought I’d break her. She rubbed my back as I quietly sobbed in the crook of her neck. “I fucked up so bad, Momma, she was the one, and I just fucked it up.”
“Oh hun, she’s a beautiful girl who’s easy to love,” Momma said as she rubbed my back, “but hard to let go of.”
***
Lana
I was in the backseat of Marcus’s car as I took everything in. It was hard to say those things, especially to Levi, but it’s the truth even if I loved him. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry my heart out because he lost someone who loved him. Suddenly, all that love and care turned into hatred and doubt because I should’ve seen it coming. Miranda was right; they didn’t even deny it…just told me straight up. They wanted me to forgive them all the time, yet they wouldn’t forgive Benny.
“Ugh, I just wish I could burn this fucking tattoo off!” I suddenly burst out.
“It’s cool, though.” Marcus shrugged, and Miranda punched him.
“I can’t believe you did that,” Aidan said beside me. I turned to him with an expressionless look because I didn’t care about his cousin, not anymore.
“I can, like damn…they deserved that,” Miranda said then turned to me.
“Now we don’t have to worry about them, and we can enjoy camp. Also, with them out of your life, you can focus more on your boyfriend…the one who cares about you.”
“Yeah, I hope Benny’s okay,” I said. To see how beaten up he looked made my heart sink. He still managed to smile through his swollen eye and cut lip.
“Your guy’s trust will grow because you tell each other everything, right?”
I was going to say yes but remembered that I hadn’t told Benny about Parker. He’d freak and find a way to blame it on himself.
“I wish I never became friends with Parker,” Aidan said, and I felt his eyes on me when he said that like he knew I hadn’t told Benny.
“Well, nobody would ever think he’d stoop so low for money as to do those things to us.” Miranda shook her head, but Aidan and I turned to each other because Parker did much more. Somehow in his brown eyes, I realized how much he regretted being friends with Parker. I squinted my eyes when I saw him open his mouth, but he turned away when Miranda talked again. “Lana, whatever you’re still holding back, you have to tell Benny.”
“I will, Miranda.” I sighed then bit the inside of my cheek at how Benny would react when I told him that I was sexually assaulted. I wonder what he’d think of me then? That’s why I’ve never told anyone, being too scared of what they’d think of me after that and the shame I’d have.
&n
bsp; “Please, Lana, you have to tell him,” Aidan said, and I looked down to see his palm rested over mine.
“Are you okay?” I asked once Miranda spoke to Marcus.
“No, I’m not. I knew that Parker did those things to girls, yet I did nothing. I saw him force you into the janitor’s closet one day…also someone else,” he said then looked down. “I’m so sorry. If I’d said something then, none of this would have happened.”
“Aidan, it’s not your fault,” I said then raised my hand to rub his shoulder.
“I feel like it is. If I just did something in the past, then none of us would be here. Noel would still be here.”
“It affects us all, and if we all did something different…things would’ve changed, but we can’t go back, so instead of looking back, we look forward and see how we can fix things.”
“Yeah, you’re right, and Miranda’s right. A relationship consists of trust. I need to tell Tiffany something.”
***
They dropped me at Benny’s house, and when I walked through the front door, I noticed how quiet it was. I tossed the baseball bat on the sofa and walked further into the house to see if anyone was home. I heard footsteps and glanced up to see Sam walk down the stairs.
“Err…hey, Lana. My friend Gabe is here. I’m spending the night.”
“Have fun. Where is everyone?”
“Benny told them to go. He wanted some time alone,” Sam said then awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “Listen, Lana, err…I just wanna say thank you. For being there for my brother and for caring about him. He needs it.”
“No problem, Sam.” I smiled because he really cared about Benny even if he teased him a lot.
“Yeah, and he really loves you,” he said then walked past me. I smiled as he headed out the front door. Once it was shut, I took off my heels and left them next to the sofa. I went upstairs to see where Benny was. I walked into his room and noticed he wasn’t in his bed. I squinted my eyes as I took off his jacket. I wanted to get out of the dress. I set my phone on the table, took off my dress, then looked in Benny’s closet. I took out a long shirt that I always wore and slipped it on. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the bathroom door slightly open. I walked toward it and pushed it open to see Benny’s back facing me. I looked at him in the mirror, but he didn’t even notice me. He looked at himself then lowered his head.
