Because I Love You

by A'zayler

  I wanted so badly to pop that nigga across the back of his head for even drawing attention to me. I wanted to be as quiet as possible. Maybe then Egypt would forget what was going on. I nodded at Joshua and looked back down at my phone as fast as I could.

  The bass in the car blasted through the speakers and into my ears as soon as the car turned back on. Common sense should have told that nigga to cut the noise down, but clearly, he had no common sense. Fooling with Joshua was going to have me embarrassed and deaf by the time I got back to my house. I swear it felt like my eardrums were going to pop and bleed at any given minute. It was on the tip of my tongue to say something, but I just did my best to tune it out and look for my car.

  “Here, Egypt, light this shit up.” Joshua passed a freshly rolled blunt over the console to Egypt.

  After lighting it without taking a hit or saying a word, he passed it back. It was so eerie how quiet he was all the time. He literally never opened his mouth. How could a person be so quiet all the time? I could get with sometimes, but all the time? That was foreign to me. I always had something to say, but everybody was different, him, obviously in more ways than one.

  I watched his slim fingers graze over the blunt as he skillfully rolled it. I sat fascinated by this man and the way he licked the sides before going back to neatly stuffing and rolling it. How was he so fine? I mean, like fine as hell. Everything about him was a turn on. His hair was my favorite, though.

  Well, his hair and his teeth. That gold did something to me. Being a chick from the hood, I was infatuated with thug shit, and Egypt was a cute li’l block boy. His bright skin and perfect features, then top it with all that hood shit; my body wanted that nigga bad as hell. So long for that.

  “Can I take a hit?” I asked.

  I’d never smoked a day in my life, but I needed something to take my mind off having to sex Joshua while Egypt waited for us.

  It had already been a stressful decision to make, and fucking with Joshua, it was definitely about to get worse. I’d tricked off with him plenty of times in the past, and he was a lot to handle. His big dick ass had me sore every single time we met up, and it took days for that type of pain to wear off. On my grandma’s grave, I wasn’t looking forward to it, but I had to get this money.

  When Joshua passed the blunt back to me, I had to look at it for a minute. I needed to figure this mess out before putting it to my lips and making an even bigger fool of myself. Once I felt like I had it, I took a long draw, attempted to hold the smoke in my lungs, coughed like a dying crackhead, and humiliated myself even more. If I could have slid between the seats and hid there forever, I would have. That was just how dumb I felt passing Joshua his blunt back. He was laughing like hell as he took it and placed I back to his own lips before extending it to Egypt.

  “I’m straight.” Egypt shook his head and held his hand up to stop the blunt from coming his way.

  “What, nigga? Since when you turn down a hit of a blunt?”

  “Come on. You know I never share blunts, and I damn sure ain’t doing it after that hoe just hit it.”

  The fuck? Even with incorporating all his years of rudeness, his remark had still shocked me. So much so that I almost couldn’t think of anything to say. Almost, I said I almost couldn’t think of anything to say.

  “Nigga, fuck you. You don’t know shit about me to be calling me a hoe,” I yelled at him like an idiot.

  Of course, he knew me. At least enough to know that I was tossing this ass to any nigga who would cash out on it. That was so dumb on my part. It was most definitely obvious now that I hadn’t been prepared for a comeback.

  “I may not know you, but I do know enough niggas who have paid to fuck.”

  “Come on, E, take it easy on her.” Joshua tried his best to take up for me, but that shit was dead.

  How could he possibly take up for me when he was taking me to do exactly what I was being scrutinized for? And laughing while doing it. Fuck him, I could handle myself. One thing I’d never had a problem doing was running this mouth. I was good at it and even better when I was mad.

  “I’m sure you have heard a lot, just like I’ve heard all about your little dick ass.” I was lying, but so what? I had to save face. “You’re just mad you never have and never will get the chance to taste some.”

  I died when Egypt started laughing at me. “Taste? Did you just say taste?” He looked over the seat at me with a smirk on his face. “Selling all that pussy must be really getting to your brain. I’d never put my mouth nowhere near your ass.”

  “Fuck you!” I shouted. There was nothing else I could really say. I felt small as hell listening to that man say that stuff to me.

  “Aight, y’all cut this shit out. Dream, let’s slide, boo.” Joshua opened the door to his truck and began to get out.

  I opened my door, happy to be getting away from Egypt and his accusing existence. “Stupid ass nigga,” I said loud enough for him to hear me as I got out and slammed the door.

  “Aye, Josh, fuck this hoe in a hurry, so we can go. I got better shit to do than sit out here waiting on y’all all day.”

  “Not everyone cums as fast as you, baby dick,” I yelled at him, only drawing even more attention to myself.

  I couldn’t help it, though. Egypt had me so blown that I couldn’t even think straight. I was so mad and humiliated that I wanted to say or do anything that would make it all better. Too bad, that wasn’t happening. The damage was done.

  “Bitch, you sell pussy for a living. I’m not about to argue with you. You clearly don’t give a fuck about life. Get your ass in there and lay down.”

  “Dumb fucker.”

  Egypt was laughing again, and it took everything in me not to reach through the window and swing on him. I was mad enough to fight now. He’d taken me to a totally different level, and I wanted to fight about it. Beating his ass was the only way I would feel redeemed enough to hold my head up after this.

  “Dream, ignore that nigga and come on.” Joshua grabbed my arm and pulled me away from the truck.

  I wanted to shoot that nigga an ugly look, but I’d have to make eye contact to do that, and I couldn’t right then. I was breathing hard, and my hands were even shaking a little as I followed Joshua up the sidewalk to a set of apartments. They looked decent enough.

  “Who lives here?” I’d fucked off with Joshua a bunch of times, and we’d never gone there.

  Normally it was either a hotel or his homeboy’s spot.

  “One of my new spots.”

  By spot, he meant trap houses; I knew that. Joshua was prominent in the hood and had a number of spots all over Miami, so this wasn’t too much of a surprise. I silently hoped nobody was in there. I didn’t mind sexing a nigga, but I still liked to have some sort of privacy. Unfortunately, these niggas didn’t understand that. I couldn’t count how many times I’d been approached to fuck in a house full of people, and I left every time. I might have been a prostitute, but I had morals. Funny, huh? I’d laughed at my own self millions of times before about the same shit.

  “People here?”

  “Nah, just us and E.”

  “That’s one disrespectful nigga. I don’t see how you even kick it with him.”

  I was still so annoyed with Egypt that it was hard for me to focus on anything else as we walked. Just before we entered the building, I looked over my shoulder toward Joshua’s truck, and that yellow bastard had the nerve to shoot me a bird. Being the typical, petty me, I licked my tongue at him and rolled my eyes. It was a very childish thing to do, but that was all I could think of at the moment, so it would have to suffice.

  “That’s just how he is. Brush it off.”

  “You could have left me where I was if you were going to take up for him.”

  Joshua paused after finally opening the door to his apartment. His back had been to me at first, but he turned to look at me before shaking his big ass head.

  “I honestly don’t see why you mad at him. It ain’t like the nig
ga told a lie. You sell pussy. How you expect niggas to treat you? Some of us might fuck with you off the strength, but it ain’t because we respect your hustle or no shit like that.”

  Well, damn! If I hadn’t felt like the biggest fool in the world before, I sure as hell did then. Not only was Egypt clowning me, but here came Joshua’s old simple ass following him up. I was done. Just so fucking done. On top of being mortified past comfort, I think my feelings were kind of hurt. I couldn’t be sure, but I think the feeling lacing my insides was hurt. On top of being insulted to the tenth power, I felt so degraded.

  I know with this type of profession, I should have had tougher skin, but I really didn’t. Most men treated me with respect, even if I was tricking off with them. Today had been one of the few times that I regretted my life and everything that it had become. I actually felt like a hoe. A cheap, run down, worn out hoe. My first impulse was to come back at him with something heavy, but I couldn’t because he was right. All this time, I’d been a fool and thinking these niggas really fucked with me when they clearly did not.

  “You know what, Joshua? We don’t have to do this. I’ll just catch up with you later.”

  If I gave that nigga time to respond, then the sky was purple. I turned around and took off so fast that I’m sure he didn’t have time to comprehend what had just happened. I was out the door and halfway down the sidewalk when I felt a hand on my arm.

  “Nah, Dream, fuck that. You might as well get out your muthafucking feelings because this shit is about to pop. On me, it is.”

  I snatched away from that bastard in a hurry. Who in the hell he thought he was talking to was beyond me, but I was grown and wasn’t doing anything I didn’t want to do. I didn’t give two fucks what he said. Hoe or not, no meant no in my book.

  “No, the fuck we ain’t. Now, let my damn arm go.”

  “Bitch, calm your hoe ass down before I put you to sleep on this damn pavement.”

  Joshua’s stance and voice took on a more aggressive tone. It scared me, to be for real. I wouldn’t show it, though. I looked around the parking lot for help, but there was none. There was no one outside, and the only other person there was Egypt. He sure as hell wasn’t going to save me. Of that, she was sure. I wanted to scream and take off running so badly but causing that big of a scene would be unnecessary, especially since my pride was the only thing hurt.

  I had dealt with Joshua a lot of times in the past, and he’d never been this aggressive, so I did my best to just chill. After all, this was my life; being manhandled by dirty, musty ass niggas who probably couldn’t get pussy unless they paid for it, which was why I was probably still in business now. With no pride, no hope, no other source of income, and no self-respect, I shut my damn mouth and let this man snatch me back to his apartment.

  As crazy it as it sounded, it felt even crazier. I was really letting this nigga handle me. All the snatching and pulling he was doing was extremely unnecessary since I wasn’t putting up any type of fight, but I just let the fool have it. Obviously, using all this excessive force on me was boosting his li’l shallow ego, but for me, it was nothing more than ignorance.

  Why yank the harmless prostitute? Maybe he wanted to teach me a lesson for trying to run off, or maybe he just wanted to turn himself on. I didn’t know; all I did know, though, was that since he was practically taking the pussy, this would be the last time he ever got it.

  “Take all that shit off,” he told me while tossing me toward the back of the apartment.

  It was empty with only a couch and a bed in the backroom. Obediently, I removed my pink romper and let it slide to the floor. With no shame, he marched toward me and began snatching at my underwear.

  “Damn, what you doing? Just pull them down.” I whined in irritation. “Why the fuck you trying to rip them?”

  Joshua grabbed the front of my throat so fast I didn’t have time to even see it coming. “Bitch, shut up and let me do me. I don’t need no hoe telling me what to do or how to damn do it.”

  “If what you’re doing concerns me, I’ma say something.”

  My eyes bucked when his grip on my neck tightened. Next came the shortness of breath, then the colorful dots in the air around his head. This damn boy was choking the shit out of me. I was barely breathing when I began to grab at his wrist. All that did was make him smile.

  “You’ll shut your ass up now, won’t you?” He nodded. “I heard y’all bitches like it rough, but I ain’t think it was like this. Your pussy wet as a son of a bitch.”

  I clenched my eyes shut when he began to rub around my lower lips with the same roughness he’d been using with me since we got out of the truck. Not only did it hurt, but it felt like he was about to scratch me with his long ass nails. I did my best to speak, but he had my throat so tight that I couldn’t do anything but pray in my head. I was probably two seconds from passing out when he tossed me onto the bed. I grabbed my throat the minute I could.

  “Don’t act like a crybaby now, hoe. Open them legs.”

  I know I probably should have taken off running for my life at that point, but instead, I did what I was told and opened my legs as he undressed. He was on top of me and about to position himself to push in, but I stopped his ass in a hurry.

  “You need to get a condom, Joshua.” I didn’t whisper it, but I sure as hell didn’t say it with an attitude either.

  I was too scared to get choked again. The next time he might choke the life from me, and I didn’t want to chance it. I’d be dead, and nothing would be done about it. I’d watched it happen too many times within the last five years. Nobody cared about prostitutes. I guess they felt like we either asked for it or deserved it.

  “Shut the fuck up. Didn’t I just tell your ass I don’t need you telling me what to do?”

  I swallowed hard, pushing everything I wanted to say back down my throat as I watched him ignore my requests. I had a lot of sex, but none of it was ever unprotected. Trust was the one thing I didn’t have for anybody in these streets. With no regard for my life, they’d probably infect me with anything and not even think twice about it. There was no telling what these fools had. My life might not have been much, but it was mine, and I wanted it.

  “Joshua, please use a condom.”

  “Will you please shut the fuck up?” he boomed at me, but he leaned over and grabbed his jeans from the floor.

  I watched him tear the wrapper and put it on his dick before sliding back on top of me. Lord knows I didn’t want to have sex with this man, but at this point, I didn’t really have a choice. He damn sure wasn’t about to let me move, and I wasn’t about to risk my life trying to fight him off me.

  When he actually pushed into me, I had to yell. His dick was huge, and he was being very mean with it. I’m talking about straight stabbing me with it. My body was taking all it could take, and I should have been ashamed of myself for even subjecting it to this type of torture.

  When he was finally done, I was so happy I could cry. Moving slowly, I put on my clothes and grabbed my things. I waited for him at the door while he got dressed. I would have taken off walking the moment he finished, but I needed my money.

  “What you standing over there looking crazy for?” He walked toward me with a smirk on his face.

  I could tell just by the look on his face that he knew what he was doing. He owed me but was about to play games. I really wasn’t in the mood for his ignorance, but I didn’t fuck for free.

  “I need my money.”

  Joshua laughed and shook his head. “Nah, that one was on the house.”

  “I’ll be damned.”

  He got in my face and reached for my hair. I ducked hard as hell. He wouldn’t grab my throat like that again. Being the same butthole that he’d been all night, he laughed at me.

  “Ain’t nobody about to touch your ass.”

  I cleared my throat. “Let me get my money so I can dip.” I held out my open palm for emphasis.

  We stood there for a minute just looking at e
ach other. Him acting like he wasn’t about to give me my fucking money, and me knowing damn well he was. I hated to pull his card, but I would. I never really used my smoking gun, but if he wanted to act like he wasn’t going to pay me, then I would.

  “I said nah.” He playfully slapped my hand down.

  “Joshua…”

  He laughed, and I rolled my eyes.

  “Fine, I’ll just get it from Master. Peace.” I couldn’t even turn around all the way before he grabbed me.

  “Take this li’l shit.” He pulled out a wad of cash and tossed it at me.

  I wanted to smile, but I was too aggravated to do so. This fool was treating me like a real live hoe, and I didn’t appreciate it one bit. I stared at the money that was littered around my feet. He was really pushing his luck tonight, but I’d take it. My time with him was almost over and would never occur again. The amount of shame I felt when I bent down to grab my money was immeasurable, but I grabbed it all and made my way out of his apartment.

  I thought about walking back to the gas station but changed my mind. This nigga picked me up, and he was taking me back to where he’d gotten me from. I was mad, but I wasn’t mad enough to walk all the way back home. I’d been placed at my lowest already. How much further could I really go? He and Egypt could both kick rocks. In a hurry to get in before he could get out there and stop me, I speed walked to the truck and got back in.

  Egypt was in the same spot with his face frowning as usual and didn’t acknowledge me one bit. I appreciated that part. I was in no mood to talk or fight. Minutes later, Joshua brought his stupid ass out and got in the truck with us. I could feel him looking at me, but I ignored him like I didn’t. I wasn’t getting out, and I wasn’t walking, period. He could definitely fight me about that shit.

  “You good, my nigga?” he questioned Egypt.

  Egypt nodded.

  “My bad about that. We had a few mishaps.” He chuckled, and I rolled my eyes. “These bitches don’t know how to act.”

  Again, Egypt said nothing. Assumingly, Joshua got the picture that he wasn’t interested in talking about anything that he and I had going on, so he started driving again. The music was just as loud as it had been before, but this time I was thankful for the distraction.