After We Collided

by Anna Todd

“You aren’t seriously trying to lock me in the car with you. You already basically forced me to leave Zed’s house! What’s wrong with you!” she begins to shout.

  “I’m not trying to lock you in the car.” I am, though. However, in my defense, she’s stubborn and doesn’t like to listen to anything I have to say.

  She presses the unlock button and climbs out.

  “Tessa! Goddammit, Tessa, just listen to me!” I shout into the wind.

  “You keep telling me to listen, but you haven’t been saying anything!”

  “Because you won’t shut up long enough for me to!”

  We always end up in a screaming match. I need to let her yell at me and just take it, otherwise I’ll say something I regret. I want to bring up Zed and the fact that she’s in his fucking clothes, but I have to keep my temper under control. “I’m sorry, okay, just give me two minutes to talk without interrupting me. Please?”

  She surprises me by nodding and crossing her arms to wait for me to speak.

  The snow is really coming down, and I know she’s freezing, but I have to talk to her now or she may change her mind.

  “I went to England after you didn’t come back that night. I was so pissed off at you that I couldn’t see straight. You were being so damned difficult, and I just . . .”

  She turns away from me and starts to walk up the snowy driveway toward the house. Dammit. I’m shit at apologies.

  “I know it’s not your fault. I lied to you and I’m sorry!” I shout, hoping she’ll turn around.

  She does. “This isn’t only about you lying, Hardin. There is so much more than that,” Tessa says.

  “Then tell me, please.”

  “It’s about you not treating me the way I should be treated. I never come first with you—it’s always about you. Your friends, your parties, your future. I don’t get to make any decisions about anything, and you made me feel like a fool when you said I was being crazy about marriage. You weren’t listening to me—it isn’t about marriage, it’s about the fact that you haven’t even thought of what I want for myself and my future. And yes, I would like to be married someday, not anytime soon, but I need security. So stop acting like I’m into this relationship more than you. Let’s not forget that you were drunk and stayed out all night with another woman.” She’s out of breath by the time she finishes speaking, and I take a few steps toward her.

  She’s right, and I know she is. I just don’t know what to do about it.

  “I know, I thought if it were just the two of us there, you would . . .” I stutter.

  “I would what, Hardin?” Her teeth are chattering, and her nose is red from the cold.

  I pick at the dried scabs on my knuckles. I don’t know how to say what I feel without sounding like the world’s most selfish asshole. “You would be less likely to leave me,” I admit . . . and wait for her horrified response.

  It doesn’t come.

  Instead she begins to cry. “I don’t know what else I could have done to show you how much I loved you, Hardin. I kept coming back every time you hurt me, I moved in with you and I forgave you for every unthinkable thing you did to me, I gave up my relationship with my mother for you, and you’re still so insecure.” She quickly wipes her tears away.

  “I’m not insecure,” I tell her.

  “See?” she cries. “That’s why this would never work. You always let your ego get in the way.”

  “I don’t let my ego get in the way of shit!” I snap. “If anything, my ego is pretty fucked right now because I just found you in Zed’s bed.”

  “You’re really going to go there right now?”

  “Hell, yes I am, you’re acting like a . . .” I stop myself as she flinches from the words that she knows will follow. I know it’s not her fault that he got under her skin—he’s good at that—but it still fucking hurts me that she stayed with him.

  She throws her arms out in challenge. “Go ahead, Hardin, call me names.”

  She’s the most infuriating woman in the entire world, but fuck if I don’t love her even at her most difficult. When I stay silent and try to tamp down my anger, she clicks her tongue. “Well, that’s some improvement, but I’m going inside. I’m cold and have to be up in an hour to get ready for school.”

  She walks toward the house, and I follow her up the driveway, waiting for her to remember that she left her purse in my father’s car. Which is here, but locked.

  After looking at the door for a moment, she says, mostly to herself, I assume, “I’ll have to call Landon. I don’t have a key.”

  “You can come home,” I suggest.

  “You know that’s not a good idea.”

  “Why not? We just need to figure this all out.” I pull at my hair with one hand. “Together,” I clarify.

  “Together?” Tessa repeats, half laughing.

  “Yes, together. I’ve missed you so much. I’ve been through hell without you . . . and I hope you’ve missed me, too.”

  “You should have reached out to me. I’m exhausted by this, we do this too much.”

  “We can do it, though. You’re too good for me, and I fucking know it. But please, Tessa, I’ll do anything. I can’t go through another day like this.”

  chapter ninety-six

  TESSA

  My heart aches as the words leave his mouth. He’s too good at this. “You always do this. You say the same things over and over, yet nothing changes,” I say.

  “You’re right,” he admits, looking directly into my eyes. “It’s true. Yeah, I’ll admit the first few days I was just so mad, and I didn’t want to be anywhere near you because you were overreacting—but then, as I began to realize this could be it, it terrified me. I know I haven’t treated you the way I should have, I don’t know how to love anyone other than myself, Tess. I’m trying as hard as I can—okay, I haven’t been trying as hard I could. But I will from now on—I swear it.”

  I look at him. I’ve heard those words too many times. “You know you’ve said that before.”

  “I know, but this time I mean it. After I saw Natalie, I—”

  Natalie? My stomach drops. “You saw her?”

  Does she still love him? Or hate him? Has he truly ruined her entire life?

  “Yeah, I saw her and I spoke to her. She’s pregnant.”

  Oh God.

  “I haven’t seen her in years, Tessa,” he says sarcastically, reading my mind. “She’s also engaged, and she’s happy, and she told me that she forgives me and was saying how she’s happy to be getting married because there’s no greater honor or some shit, but it was really eye-opening for me.” He steps toward me again.

  My legs and arms are numb from the cold air, and I’m furious at Hardin, more than furious. I’m enraged and heartbroken. He keeps going back and forth, and it’s exhausting. Now he’s here in front of me talking about marriage, and I don’t know what to think.

  I shouldn’t have even left with him. My mind was made up earlier: I would get over him if it was the last thing I did.

  “What are you saying?” I ask.

  “That now I realize how lucky I am to have you, to have you stick by me through all the shit I put you through.”

  “Well, you are. And you should’ve realized that before. I’ve always loved you more than you love me and—”

  “That’s not true! I love you more than anyone has ever loved another person. I went through hell, too, Tessa. I’ve been sick, literally, without you. I’ve barely eaten, I know I look like shit. I was doing this for you so you could move on,” he explains.

  “That doesn’t even make any sense.” I push my damp hair away from my face.

  “Yes, it does. It does make sense. I thought if I stayed out of your life, you could move on and be happy without me, with your own Elijah.”

  “Who’s Elijah?” What is he talking about?

  “What? Oh, Natalie’s fiancé. See, she found someone to love and marry her; you can, too,” he tells me.

  “But that someone’s n

ot you . . . is it?” I ask him.

  A few seconds pass and he doesn’t say anything. His expression is puzzled and frantic as he tugs at his hair for the tenth time in the last hour. Slivers of orange and red light are beginning to appear behind the large houses on the block, and I need to get inside before everyone wakes up and I have to shame-walk past them in boxers and high heels.

  “I didn’t think so.” I sigh, not allowing any more tears to be shed for him, not until I’m alone, at least.

  Hardin stands in front of me with a completely blank expression as I pull up Landon’s number and ask him to open the door for me. I should have known that Hardin was only going to fight enough to get me out of Zed’s apartment. Now that he actually has the perfect opportunity to tell me everything I need to hear, he’s standing there in silence.

  “COME ON, IT’S FREEZING,” Landon says and closes the door behind me.

  I don’t want to push my problems on Landon right now. He only got home from New York a few hours ago, and I need to not be selfish.

  He grabs the blanket that hangs over the back of the chair and drapes it over my shoulders. “Let’s go upstairs before they get up,” he suggests, and I nod.

  My entire body and mind are numb from the snow and Hardin. I glance at the clock as I follow Landon up the stairs; it’s ten till six. I need to get into the shower in ten minutes. It’s going to be a long day. Landon opens the door to the room I’ve been staying in and turns the light on as I walk over to sit on the edge of the bed.

  “Are you okay? You look like you’re freezing,” he says, and I nod. I’m grateful for him not asking what I’m wearing and why.

  “How was New York?” I ask, but I know my voice comes out monotone and uninterested. The thing is, I am interested in my best friend’s life, I just have no emotions left to show.

  He gives me a little look. “You sure you want to talk about this right now? It can wait until coffee o’clock, you know.”

  “I’m sure,” I say and force a smile.

  I’m used to this back-and-forth with Hardin; it still hurts, but I knew it was coming. It always does. I can’t believe he went to England to get away from me. He said he had to clear his head, but I should be the one clearing mine. I shouldn’t have stayed outside and talked to him for so long. I should have had him drive me here and come right inside the house instead of listening to him. The words he said only made me more confused. I thought for a moment he was going to say he does see and want a future with me, but when it came time for him to say just that, he let me walk away again.

  When he admitted that he wanted to take me away to England so I couldn’t leave him, I should have run for the hills, but I know him too well. I know he doesn’t believe he’s worthy of anyone loving him, and I know that in his mind that made sense to him. The problem is that’s not a normal thing to do—he can’t just expect me to give up everything and be trapped with him in England. We can’t be there just because he’s scared that if we’re not, I’ll leave him.

  He has a lot of things he needs to work out on his own, and so do I. I love him, but I have to love myself more.

  “It was nice, I loved it. Dakota’s apartment is really awesome, and her roommate is really nice,” Landon starts off by saying. And all I can think is that it must be so nice to have an uncomplicated relationship. Memories of Noah and me watching endless hours of movies flash through my mind; nothing was ever complicated with him. But maybe that’s why it didn’t last. Maybe that’s why I love Hardin so much: because he challenges me and we have so much passion between us that it nearly crushes us both.

  After he tells me some more details, I pick up on his excitement over New York City. “So are you moving there?” I ask.

  “Yeah, I think I am. Not until the semester ends, but I really want to be near her. I miss her a lot,” he tells me.

  “I know you do. I’m happy for you, I really am.”

  “I’m sorry that you and Hardin . . .”

  “Don’t be. It’s done. I’m done. I have to be. Maybe I should come to New York with you.” I smile, and his face lights up with the warm smile I adore so much.

  “You could, you know.”

  I always say this. I always say I’m done with Hardin, then I go back to him; it’s an endless cycle. So in this moment, I make a decision: “I’m going to talk to Christian Tuesday about Seattle.”

  “Really?”

  “I have to,” I tell him, and he nods in agreement.

  “I’m going to get dressed, so you can take a shower. I’ll meet you downstairs when you’re ready.”

  “I missed you so much.” I stand and hug him as tight as I can. Tears spill down my cheeks, and he hugs me tighter.

  “I’m sorry, I’m just a mess now. I have been since he came into my life,” I cry and pull away.

  He frowns but doesn’t say anything as he heads to the door. I gather my clothes in my arms and follow him into the hallway to head to the bathroom.

  “Tessa?” he says as he reaches his bedroom door.

  “Yeah?”

  Landon looks at me with great sympathy in his eyes. “Just because he can’t love you the way you want him to doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you with everything he has,” he says.

  What does that even mean? I process his words as I close the bathroom door and start the shower. Hardin loves me, I know he does, but he continues to make mistake after mistake. I continue to make the mistake of putting up with it. Does he love me with everything he has? Is that enough? As I pull Zed’s T-shirt over my head, there’s a knock at the door.

  “Hang on, Landon, I need one second,” I call and pull the shirt down to cover my stomach.

  But when I open the door, it’s not Landon. It’s Hardin, and his cheeks are stained with tears and his eyes are bloodshot.

  “Hardin?”

  His hand cups my neck, and he pulls me to him. His mouth moves against mine before I can resist.

  chapter ninety-seven

  HARDIN

  I can taste my tears and the hesitation on her lips as I bring her body against mine. I press my palm against the small of her back and kiss her harder—it’s a feverish and purely emotional kiss, and I could pass out from the relief of feeling her mouth on mine.

  I know it won’t be long before she pushes me away, so I take in every movement of her tongue, every barely audible gasp falling from her lips.

  All of the pain from the last eleven days nearly evaporates when her arms wrap around my waist, and in this moment, more than ever, I know that no matter how much we fight, we will always find a way back to each other. Always.

  After I watched her walk back into the house, I sat in my car for a second before finally growing some fucking balls and coming after her. I’ve let her slip away too many times, and I can’t take the chance of this being the last day I see her. I lost it—I couldn’t help but cry as Landon closed the door behind her. I knew that I had to come after her, I had to fight for her before someone else takes her away from me.

  I’ll show her that I can be who she wants me to be. Not completely, but I can show her how much I love her and that I won’t allow her to walk away so easily, not anymore.

  “Hardin . . .” she says and gently presses her hand against my chest and pushes me back, breaking our kiss.

  “Don’t, Tessa,” I beg her. I’m not ready for it to end yet.

  “Hardin, you can’t just kiss me and expect everything to be okay. Not this time,” she whispers, and I fall to my knees in front of her.

  “I know, I don’t know why I let you walk away again, but I’m sorry. So sorry, baby,” I tell her, hoping the use of the word will help my cause. I wrap my arms around her legs, and her hands move to my head, caressing and running her fingers through my hair. “I know I always fuck everything up and I know I can’t treat you the way that I have been. I just love you so much that it overwhelms me, and I don’t know what the fuck to do half the time, so I just say things on impulse and don’t think of how the words affect you. I know I keep breaking your heart, but please . . . please let me fix it. I’ll put it back together and I won’t dare to break it again. I’m sorry, I’m always sorry, I know. I’ll get a fucking shrink or something. I don’t care, just . . .” I sob into her legs.

  I grab hold of the waistband of the boxers and slide them down.

  “What are you . . .” She stops my hands.

  “Please, just take them off. I can’t stand you wearing them, please . . . I won’t touch you, just let me take them off,” I beg, and she lifts her hands from mine, returning them to my hair as I slide the boxers to the floor and she steps out of them.

  Her hand moves under my chin to lift up my head. Her small fingers caress my cheek, then move up to wipe away the tears from my eyes. Her face holds a confused expression, and she watches me carefully, as if she’s studying me.

  “I don’t understand you,” she tells me, still swiping her thumb across my tearstained cheeks.

  “I don’t either,” I agree, and she frowns.

  I stay in this position, kneeling in front of her, begging for her to give me one last chance even though I’ve blown through more chances than I deserve. I register that the bathroom has filled with steam, and her hair is sticking to her face, and moisture is beginning to pool on her skin.

  God, she’s beautiful.

  “We can’t keep going back and forth, Hardin. It’s not good for either of us.”

  “It’s not going to be that way anymore; we can get through this. We’ve gotten through worse, and I know now how quickly I can lose you. I took you for granted, and I know that. I’m only asking for one more chance.” I take her face between my hands.

  “It’s not that simple,” she tells me; her bottom lip begins to quiver, and I’m still trying to stop my tears.

  “It’s not supposed to be simple.”

  “It’s not supposed to be this hard either.” She begins to cry with me.

  “Yes; yes, it is. It’ll never be easy with us. We are who we are, but it won’t always be this hard. We just have to learn to talk to each other without fighting every time. If we’d been able to have a conversation about the future, it wouldn’t have turned into this big fucking mess.”

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