by Ronica Black
Same thing. Olivia shook her head.
Eve couldn’t believe it. She adjusted the weight one last time. “Now you’re at the weight I use now for my workouts.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes. But rest assured, still no freak status reached.”
“You promise to let me know, right?”
“The second it happens.”
Olivia began again, and Eve could see her triceps come to life as she worked. Her form was close to perfect, and all Eve had to do was teach her how to breathe. She finished without the struggle she’d experienced at the end of her bicep sets.
Eve led her back to the free weights and picked up a twelve-pound dumbbell. She showed her how to position her fingers to hold the end of the dumbbell and lifted it back over her head. She then lowered it vertically, straight down between her shoulder blades and brought it straight up above her head until her arms were fully extended.
“Got it?”
“Yep.”
They switched positions and Olivia began.
“It feels a little light, too.”
“Your arms are shaking quite a bit, though. So, I’m worried about your stability. If we go heavier you might drop the dumbbell.”
“Okay.”
“Just continue what you’re doing. Nice and slow. Concentrate on your breathing and on the individual muscle you’re working.”
“I can feel it now. More than the last one. The whole back of my upper arm is burning.”
“Women love this exercise for that very reason. It’s great for firming up that area.”
“You mean I’m not the only one with flab?”
Eve rolled her eyes. “No.”
“That makes me feel better.”
“Whatever gets you there, I suppose. Although, I’ve got news for you, and this might devastate your well ingrained maudlin beliefs about yourself.”
Olivia finished her set and set the dumbbell in her lap to rest. She questioned Eve with her eyes.
“You’re not flabby.”
“Yeah, right, okay.” She held her arm out and squeezed while looking in the mirror.
“I don’t see any flab, Olivia. You just need to work your muscles a little, like we’re doing. Once those muscles grow and harden with strength, you’re going to be beyond tight. In fact, you’re probably going to be a bit etched.”
Again, she gave Eve a disbelieving look. “Okaay.”
Eve laughed. “We’ve got a long way to go on that head of yours.”
“Does that mean we’re going to be working together for a while, then?”
“In knowing what little of your mindset I do so far, I’d say yes.”
“Because I’m a head case. And stubborn.”
“Yes, I’m beginning to realize. The way you seem to ignore everything I’ve told you about your body, I’d say that stubbornness might surpass anyone I’ve ever worked with.”
“So, in a way, I am a freak.” She grinned.
Eve palmed her forehead. “Oh, my God.”
“What?”
“Will you stop? You’re not that different from everyone else. You’re just sensitive and intelligent. There’s nothing wrong with you. Not anything. And I seriously want to kick anyone’s ass who’s ever told you anything different.”
Eve could feel the heat in her face as she spoke. But she couldn’t help it. Olivia didn’t deserve to feel the way she did about herself. She was incredible, and the more Eve learned about her and the more time they spent together, that became more and more obvious.
“You’re upset.”
“I’m fine.” But she wasn’t and she knew she didn’t sound fine. “Go ahead and finish your sets.”
“I was kidding around. Trying to make things a little less tense, I guess. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Eve pushed out a breath, but she couldn’t look at her. “I know you’re not just kidding around, Olivia. Not totally. You do feel that badly about yourself. But you’re not why I’m upset. You didn’t make me feel this way. You make me feel—” she stopped herself and closed her eyes to get a grip. “Very far from upset. And please don’t ask me to explain further. Because I can’t and won’t say any more than that.”
Olivia turned and finished her sets quietly while Eve watched her form in the mirror.
She wished she could tell her exactly the way she made her feel.
But even if she could, she wasn’t sure there were enough known words in the universe that could explain something like that.
In the meantime, she’d try her best to show her by helping her any way she could.
Chapter Sixteen
“Hey, Mom, it’s me,” Eve said as she scrambled inside carrying several fabric grocery bags and a twelve-pack of citrus flavored soda sweetened with Stevia. She kicked the door closed behind her and hurried to the kitchen where she managed to set it all on the table before anything fell. She began putting things away, scowling as she opened the fridge to find it nearly empty. The pantry wasn’t as bare, but it wasn’t up to her standards either. Her mother couldn’t survive on an old head of lettuce, a few yogurts, and boxes of minute rice alone. Why did she seem to be the only one who understood this?
“Evelyn,” her mother said from behind.
Eve turned with a box of penne pasta in her hand. Her mother smiled softly at her, and Eve relaxed some, noting that she was looking less gaunt than she had the week before. She appeared to have gotten a little sun, and her hair had been cut and colored. Eve gave her a gentle embrace and caressed the familiar fabric of her worn terry cloth robe. It was what she always wore while at home, regardless of the temperature or what she had on underneath. It was her soft, faded pink comfort. Like a child with a security blanket.
“What brings you by today?” her mother asked. “You didn’t need to do all this.”
Eve inhaled the scent of Dove soap from her skin and pulled away to continue to unpack the food.
“I know, I just wanted to,” she said, downplaying her concern and visit. They did this dance of denial every week or so when Eve came by to check on her. Her mother would feign needing anything at all, and Eve would feign having any concern for her at all. “I was at Trader Joe’s and saw a few things you might like.”
“That’s really nice of you, but you know I don’t need all this.”
“I know, Mom. But I like to do things for you, okay?” She held up a bag of ginger snaps. “Look what I found.”
Her mother took the bag and her eyes lit up. “Oh, my goodness. Ginger snaps. I can’t even remember the last time I had these.”
Eve finished putting everything away and then filled a glass with ice and cracked open a can of the citrus soda. Her mother had turned her nose up at the Stevia sweetened soda when Eve had first bought it for her. As she did most everything healthy Eve brought home for her to try. But the soda, she’d liked. The whole wheat and gluten-free pastas, she had not. Still, Eve took what she could get and she often brought her mother new, healthy alternatives to try. She poured the drink as her mother fumbled with the cookie bag.
“Here, let me.” Eve traded her the glass for the snaps and they walked into the dim living room where her mother sat on the couch. Eve opened the blinds to let in some sunlight and joined her. She opened the bag of snaps and placed it next to her mother who quickly bit into one and grinned. She then moaned her approval and leaned back to enjoy it.
It was nice to see her happy. That was something Eve had rarely seen as a child.
“How have you been feeling?” Eve asked. “You look well. I like your hair that color.”
“Oh, yes. Bethany did it for me. You know how she dotes on me.”
Eve wanted to roll her eyes at the mention of her older sister. It was true, she did tend to her mother’s hair and clothes and other things involving her appearance, but would it kill her to check the damn fridge for food when she came? Bethany came twice a month at best, which, granted was more than Eve’s other three siblings, but Eve knew h
er sister could still do more. And why it seemed to be solely up to her and Bethany to look after their mother was beyond Eve. Her brothers were nearby too and just as capable. But apparently, they thought calling their mother was sufficient enough.
“It looks nice,” Eve said, easing back to cross her legs. The house was quiet save for the grandfather clock in the corner. Eve made sure to wind it every week, knowing her mother loved hearing the chime every quarter of the hour. It used to drive Eve mad, but now the ticking and the chimes felt nostalgic, confirming she was really home.
“I see you’ve gone completely blond now,” her mother said, biting into another cookie. “I like it. It brings out your eyes.”
“Thanks.” Eve ran her fingers through her hair. She’d just had it done, having finally decided to throw some caution to the wind and ditch the highlights she’d worn for years for full blond. She felt good about it, glad she’d made the change, but also glad she’d resisted the urging from her hairdresser to go even lighter than the shade she’d chosen. This was enough of a change for now and she was pleased. The nice comment from her mother added to that feeling.
Compliments from her used to be few and far between, and there had once been a time when Eve would’ve killed to hear one. She would’ve killed for any attention at all growing up in their overcrowded household. But being the youngest of five, she was often left to fend for herself or rely on her brothers or Bethany for everything. Their father had worked long hours, or so that’s what she’d always been told. She wondered now if he just didn’t want to come home to all the chaos. Chaos that had only grown worse after her mother had been diagnosed with lupus.
Eve stared into the dark green wingback chairs across from the coffee table. The throw pillows were covered in bright pink flowers to match the print of the fabric on the couch. The living room was also decorated in pink and dark green, colors her mother loved. Though she had always referred to the pink as mauve, correcting Eve anytime she slipped up and called it pink.
Though the color scheme and the furniture were very outdated, everything was still the same, and Eve both liked and hated it. Each visit was different, bringing out one feeling or the other. Today, she hated it. Because she was frustrated with Bethany and the apathy of her brothers, and that put her in a mood where she didn’t want to think about the past.
“You remind me a little of a Hollywood starlet now. Not quite Marilyn Monroe but similar,” her mother said. “Only you are more sporty than any of those women from that era. A tomboy. You always have been though, haven’t you? I suppose growing up with three brothers will do that to a girl.” She studied Eve closely. “You were always strong. Very independent. Not at all like I was. I was always so proud of you for that.”
“I had no idea,” Eve said. She was touched yet confused. Why hadn’t she ever said so? Eve had desperately needed to hear things like that growing up. But instead she’d been surrounded by bickering and complaining or worse, sometimes nothing at all. As if she didn’t exist.
“I should’ve told you a long time ago,” her mother said, sipping her soda. “I should’ve done a lot of things. But I think I was just so caught up in the struggle of being a mother of five with little help from your father, well, I think I was overwhelmed.” Her focus shifted to somewhere beyond. “And tired. I remember just always feeling so tired. Every day, I’d wake up with these big plans for you kids for the day and by midmorning, I just ran out of steam. I just couldn’t do them.”
Eve could see the regret on her face and the heavy sadness settling over her body.
“You were sick, Mom. It couldn’t have been easy.” There were many things Eve wished she could change about her childhood, and her mother had made mistakes, but nothing was done out of malice and there was no way to go back, so it was pointless to dwell on it. Her mother really had been sick, with bad days often outnumbering the good. And where the hell had her father been? Her mother was right; she’d had very little help.
“That’s no excuse,” her mother said, almost to herself. “I want so badly to make it up to you kids. Especially to you.” She looked at Eve with tears in her eyes.
Eve leaned toward her and held her hand. “You are making it up to me, Mom. Right now. By saying the things you’re saying.”
“You come every week,” she said. “And you had it the worst of all.”
“Don’t cry,” Eve said as emotion began to tighten her throat. “You’re going to make me cry, and you know how I hate that. We’ll just both end up being a blubbering mess. What good will that do?” She squeezed her hand and then released her to sit back once again. “We’ve got stuff to do, things to take care of. Did the pool guy check the chlorine last time he came?”
But her mother only looked at her with the same sadness in her eyes.
“Do you have anyone special, Evelyn? Who you care about? Who cares about you? You never say and I never ask. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know. I think about you and your life quite often, you know. And I find myself wondering, is she alone?”
Eve uncrossed her legs and repositioned, truly surprised by her mother’s interest.
“I—date, here and there. Mostly there.” She laughed at her own joke. Her mother’s gaze was intense and so filled with love Eve had to look away. She wasn’t used to seeing that, wasn’t used to any of this.
“No one special?”
Eve stood and brushed down her shirt and navy shorts as if they were wrinkled or dirty somehow. She tried to change the subject.
“How are you on medication? Do you need me to run to the pharmacy?”
Obvious disappointment clouded her mother’s face.
“You don’t want to tell me, I understand.”
Eve sighed. “There’s nothing to tell, Mom. There hasn’t been—anyone.”
“No one?”
“No.”
“But why? You’re a beautiful young woman. Very kind and strong and independent. How can anyone pass you up? Are they blind? Stupid?”
“Mom.” She massaged her temple.
“Why don’t they want you? I don’t understand.”
“It’s not that they don’t want me. Oh God, how did we get into this?”
“Then what is it?”
“I—I’m happier being on my own.”
“Oh, I see.” Her mother set her glass on the coffee table. “It’s you who doesn’t want them. Why, Evelyn?”
Eve didn’t respond. She didn’t want to be dishonest and she didn’t want to discuss it.
“Have you been hurt?” her mom asked.
“Mom, no.” If she told her the truth, that commitment and family life and sacrificing yourself and your dreams terrified her, mostly because of her childhood, it would crush her. She already blamed herself enough. Eve didn’t want to cause her any more pain.
“Is there really not anyone, Evelyn? Not even now, after all these years?”
Eve was about to say no when Olivia’s face flashed before her eyes. She straightened as if something hot had run up the center of her back. Olivia was definitely the someone her mother was referring to. Someone she truly liked. Someone who truly moved her. Not wanting to explain her feelings about commitment was understandable, but with Olivia, she literally didn’t know how to explain what was happening with her. She was crazy about her, and Olivia had also confessed similar feelings for her, yet they weren’t together. It didn’t make sense, not even to her. It in no way would make sense to her mother, so she didn’t want to go into detail about it. Olivia, and the way she felt about her, was a topic she was trying like hell not to overthink on, even within herself.
Her mother, however, didn’t seem to need an explanation. She looked as though she could read it on her face.
“There’s someone, isn’t there? That’s one thing about you, Evelyn. You’ve never been very good at hiding your feelings. You’re used to verbalizing them. So, when you don’t want to you try to hide them. But you’re too easy to read and the look you have now, well,
it’s as beautiful as it is obvious.” She smiled and it reached her eyes. “I hope someday you’ll tell me about her. Because I’d love to know all about the woman who causes a look like that to come over my daughter.”
Eve almost put a hand to her heart she was so moved. But she knew if she gave in to the rising feelings inside, she’d soon be overcome by them. She didn’t like to lose control and she didn’t like to cry. It had never felt good to her. It had never eased her pain or made her feel better. It only ever made her a mess, inside and out. So, she wasn’t about to break down now. Not even with her mother.
She knelt and kissed her cheek.
“I’m going to go check the chemicals in the pool and then run to the pharmacy for you. I know there’s at least one medication you need refilled.” She headed toward the kitchen for the back door but stopped just short of the doorway. She turned, suddenly needing to reach out a little in return to her mother, because she was now finally reaching out to her. She gave her what little of herself she could at the moment. “I hope so too, Mom. I hope that maybe someday, I’ll be able to tell you all about her.”
Chapter Seventeen
Olivia sat on the park bench, plucked the water bottle from her hydration belt, and quenched her thirst. She was halfway finished with her walk and had no further plans for the evening, so she’d decided a short break might be nice. The sun had settled in for the evening, and the park was mostly quiet with only a few people walking the cemented path. She enjoyed her time here almost as much as she did on the mountain at Thunderbird Park, which she still visited frequently for early morning hikes.
She checked her new Fitbit and saw she’d already put in two miles. She could quit now if she wanted to, but she liked the way she felt and really liked the fact that she was improving steadily, both in stamina and speed. Eve had been right. When she got her heart rate up, like with the walking and the weightlifting, she felt great. Like her whole body was thrumming with a powerful music she couldn’t hear but could somehow feel.
