Finding Me

by Stella Rainbow

  Brady was on his feet, his palm pressed against the wall, though he wasn’t moving at all. It was clear he’d been trying to get to the bathroom. I rushed to his side, pulling him towards me and holding him steady as I led him towards it. Once he was inside, I closed the door behind him and leaned against the wall, head turned towards the bathroom so I’d know if he stumbled or fell. I heard the water running after a few minutes and the door opened. Brady’s face was pale and slightly sweaty, his eyes squinted as if he couldn’t bear the soft morning light that filtered through the drapes. I turned towards him, placing my arm against his shoulders as I said softly, “Put your arm around my—Or just fall on me, that works too,” I mumbled as he leaned against me like dead weight. I contemplated what to do for a second before leaning down and hooking my other arm behind his knees and pulling him into my arms. I covered the few feet of distance between us and his bed before laying him down on the bed and covering him with blankets. I grabbed the thermometer and took his temperature, frowning when I realized it hadn’t gone down much. Should I take him to the hospital? Or would he get better soon?

  First, I was going to go out and make breakfast for him. Once he had some food inside him, I’d worry about the rest. I wiped the hair off his forehead and pressed a kiss there before leaving the room. I scrambled the eggs, toasted the bread and filled a glass with some orange juice I found in the refrigerator—after checking it’s best by date, of course. I set everything on a tray before making my way back to Brady’s room. I placed the tray on the dresser after moving around some of his makeup stuff to make room before walking over to him. In the time it had taken me to make breakfast, Brady had managed to fall back asleep.

  I gently shook his shoulder as I tried to wake him. “Brady? I made you some breakfast. Wake up.” It took a few minutes of gentle—and not so gentle—shaking before Brady finally opened his eyes, looking up at me through bleary eyes.

  “Charlie?” He mumbled in a thick voice and I helped him sit up in bed, folding the blankets around him when he shivered. “What are you doing here?” He asked and I looked up at him with wide eyes.

  “What?” I asked, sure he could clearly see the confusion etched on my face.

  “What are you doing here?” He said it slowly, as if I was having problems hearing him correctly. I sputtered for a second before realizing that his fever had probably made him too out of it to process my presence before.

  “You told me last night that you were sick, so I came over to take care of you,” I told him with a shrug as I brought the breakfast tray to him.

  “You took care of me? You stayed the night?” He looked so completely confused that it made me chuckle. I placed the tray in his lap and waved at it as I spoke, “Yes and yes. I slept on the couch with Cherry. Once you’re done eating, I’m going to the grocery store because for someone who owns a place people come to eat at, your kitchen is awfully stocked.”

  Brady’s fever-warm cheeks flushed darker as he grabbed a spoonful of eggs and stuffed them in his mouth. “I can’t really cook so I don’t keep much in the kitchen.”

  “Well, lucky for you, I can. So I’m gonna stock it with enough food for the rest of the week. I’ll stay here until you’re better anyway, but even if I don’t, I’ll leave some dishes for you.”

  “Why are you even taking care of me, anyway? I mean, not that I don’t appreciate it, but why? I didn’t ask you to, did I?”

  He had a horrified look on his face, so I quickly shook my head as I replied, “No, nothing like that. It’s just in my nature, I guess. I know we haven’t known each other for long, but I consider you a friend and when you said you were sick I just couldn’t stop myself from coming over.”

  Brady drank some of the orange juice before looking back at me, “But won’t it disrupt your schedule? And what about work?”

  “Er, I’m kind of between jobs at the moment, so I don’t really have a schedule. I haven’t had time to look for a job, honestly, and I’m not really sure what I want to do either.” I’d spent all the time since graduation working at my dad’s pharmaceutical company, and I knew I didn’t want to do a desk job anymore, but I wasn’t sure what I did want to do. I had enough money that I could probably live my whole life without working, but I didn't want that. I wanted to work, but only if it was something I enjoyed doing.

  “Why don’t you find a job that involves cooking, since you love it so much?” Brady asked and I realized he was right. Cooking would never be a desk job and I enjoyed doing it, so why not make a career out of it?

  I bit my lip, “Do you need some kind of qualification or something to work as a chef? I have no clue.”

  “I don’t think so, but I do know someone who’s looking for a chef.”

  “You do?”

  Brady nodded before grinning at me, his fever-flushed cheeks bright red, “I know this guy who runs a café. He wants to bring in some lunch and breakfast stuff on the menu. There won’t be a lot to do and you’ll probably be free to go after the lunch rush, but he’s a cool guy and you will enjoy working for him.”

  It took me a minute to realize he was talking about himself, but when I did, I grinned back at him before I processed the fact that he was offering me a job, “Are you sure you want me? I mean, I have zero experience working in a café.”

  Brady gave me a bright smile, his green eyes twinkling merrily as he spoke, “Oh, I definitely want you, Charlie. And don’t worry about the experience, I’ll teach you everything you need to know.”

  Had he meant that to sound so dirty or was I reaching? The sparkle in his eyes and his grin told me he knew exactly what he'd said and how he'd said it. Well, hell.

  8 | Brady

  I walked into the Voice Out building early Sunday morning and grinned as I looked around the place. The decorations were almost done for the party tonight and it looked as if a glitter unicorn had puked all over the place. I loved it! Rainbow tassels hung from the walls, there was glittery confetti strewn all over the place and balloons of all imaginable colors floated in bunches around the room. If the lobby looked like this, I couldn’t wait to see what the party room looked like.

  When I’d walked in, I’d still felt a tiny bit tired from the fever I’d just recovered from, but looking at all this brightness, I couldn’t help but feel energized. I’d convinced Charlie that they had to come with me, a little as a thank you for taking care of me over the past few days but mostly because I wanted them to see how loving and accepting the queer community was. I also wanted to introduce them to Jo, because even though I was helping them as much as I could, I believed that talking to someone with the same gender identity as them would be much more helpful for them.

  I walked deeper into the building, heading towards the huge ballroom that we used for hosting parties and charity events. I could hear music playing all the way from here, which told me the kids were doing much more than decorating. Grinning, I quickened my steps and pushed open the doors, laughing as my eyes fell on Rohan, one of the volunteers who also performed at a bar across town as drag queen Rowena Sequins. He was dancing around the room, a rainbow colored feather boa around his neck as he sang along with Lady Gaga. He grinned when he saw me and strung the boa around one of the other kid’s neck before walking over to me.

  “Brady, my darling! It seems like it’s been years since I saw you last. You almost look like a grown up now,” He sassed, and I could see a bit of Rowena shine through him. Usually, Rohan was a sweet, soft-spoken man, but when he let Rowena take over, you better be on your best behaviour because that lady could kick your ass. He was in his forties, with short black hair and dark eyes that always had a twinkle to them, as if they held a world of secrets. His dusky skin almost always had a glittery sheen to it, giving him an almost magical vibe. He’d volunteered at Voice Out for many years before I came along and was the one who had taught me everything I knew about working here. He was also a really good friend of mine and sometimes acted like the favorite uncle/aunt I’d never had. />
  “Haha, very funny.” I rolled my eyes at him as I took a moment to look around the room. Most of the kids lived in dorms or share-houses and only dropped by to attend support-group meetings or if they had any problems. But right now, I could see around twenty of the kids roaming around the room, helping out in whatever way they could. Since our non-profit supported kids aged anywhere from fifteen to twenty-five years old, there would be no alcohol at the party, but then again, most of these people weren’t a fan of drinking anyway, so it was just as good. But that didn’t mean the party wouldn’t be a blast. I could already see Angie working across the room setting up the mocktail bar. That girl was a whiz at making the weirdest combinations that always managed to taste amazing.

  “So, are you just going to practice your moves or are we helping these kids out?” I asked Rohan as I headed towards the table full of rainbow tassels, flags and other paraphernalia that needed to be put up. This was going to be one hell of a party.

  By the time everything was ready, it was almost five pm. The party was supposed to start at six, so with a wave and a see you later, I headed home to get dressed. After a shower—because spending six hours decorating builds up a lot of sweat and gross—I debated over what to wear. I wanted something especially bright and glittery today, so I went with a black crop top that had sequined stripes on the front depicting the pretty pride flag and paired it with shimmery dark red pants that stuck to my legs like a second skin. I bit my lip as I examined myself in the mirror before picking my eyeshadow palette and painting my eyelids with a nice rainbow hue. It took some time to get it right, but it was worth it. I added some glitter because you could never have enough glitter before picking up my lip gloss and coating my lips evenly. It had glitter too, of course.

  Once I was satisfied with how I looked, I grabbed my phone and stuffed it into my back pocket before waving Cherry a quick goodbye and heading out. I quickly checked in at the café to make sure everything was okay before heading towards Charlie’s house to pick them up. I wondered if they had dressed up for the occasion too but it wasn’t likely since we’d never managed to go shopping and Charlie didn’t really own anything except the plain, boring clothes they wore. Except for that wrap they’d worn the other day. Maybe I could convince them to wear that? I mean, they could take one look at me and know that the place we were going to would be totally okay with them wearing a wrap, right?

  When I reached Charlie’s place and they opened the front door, I realized all my worrying had been for nothing because wow. Charlie had trimmed their beard so it was a barely-there shadow against their tan cheeks, their curls shone as if they’d used product on it. But the best part was, I could see a thin layer of mascara framing their baby blues, just enough to make their eyes pop. And there was definitely some lip gloss on their lips.

  If that hadn’t already blown me away, their clothes would have. They were dressed in a long, cloak-like top—much like the one I’d drawn for them all those days ago. It was dark purple, and it shimmered slightly where the light from their room fell on it. The sleeves reached their elbows, leaving enough space for them to showcase their green bracelet. White leggings and black boots completed their ensemble and though I probably wouldn’t have picked white, I absolutely loved the way they looked. For probably the first time ever, Charlie was dressed exactly the way they wanted to and I was so happy to see them accepting their true self.

  They bit their lip and looked down and I realized I’d been staring at them. I mentally facepalmed at my own stupidity before giving them a bright smile, “Oh my god, Charlie. You look absolutely phenomenal!”

  A faint blush colored their cheeks as they looked back up at me. “It’s not too much?” Their voice was hesitant and I could see the vulnerability in their eyes, the fear at taking this new step. So I closed the distance between us and leaned up on my toes and kissed their chin—It’s not my fault I’m so short!—before meeting their eyes, “You look just right, Ceebee. Now, let’s go party.”

  I extended my hand, palm-up, towards them and grinned when they took it with a smile. I waited for them to lock up and stuff the keys into a pocket in their top before leading the way to the elevators, excited at the idea of spending a whole evening with Charlie in a space they could comfortably be themselves. We rode the elevator to the parking lot where a sleek, black Mercedes-Benz turned out to be Charlie’s car. We hadn’t really had a reason to drive somewhere before and honestly I wasn’t too surprised considering how lofty their home was, but I still whistled as I took in the dark leather interior.

  “Nice car,” I admired as they started driving. There was still that new-car scent in here, so I assumed it was a new-ish car.

  “Thanks, my brother gifted it to me on my birthday a few months ago,” Charlie told me and I detected a note of sadness in their tone when they talked about their brother.

  “Your brother is handling your dad’s company now, right? In New York?”

  Charlie nodded without saying anything and I got the feeling they didn’t really want to talk about their brother. I knew their dad had been a homophobe, which was why they’d spent so long in denial, but was their brother like their dad too? Was that why Charlie didn’t want to talk about him?

  I gave them the directions to the venue and then steered the conversation towards the party. I told them about everyone who would be there, I told them about my friends he’d be meeting and I also told them about Jo.

  “You said Jo’s fluid like me, right?” Charlie asked hesitantly and I smiled at them as I replied, “Yep, they’re fluid too. They’re actually the one who made your bracelets.”

  Charlie glanced at the green bracelet on their wrist before giving me a smile. “That’s great. I’ll get to thank them for it tonight, then.”

  “Definitely.”

  By the time we arrived at the Voice Out building, I could see that Charlie was getting nervous again. They were scratching their chin and biting their lower lip and they didn’t seem to be planning to get out of the car anytime soon.

  “You know that’s the most accepting bunch of people you’ll ever find, right?” I reminded them. Over the years of working at Voice Out, I’d met people from all parts of the spectrum, and I knew each and every one of them was completely accepting of everyone else. That was the way we were. We accepted everybody. Except hateful assholes, of course.

  Charlie nodded as they adjusted their body slightly so they were facing me. They ran a hand through their hair as they stared at me for a moment and I let them process their thoughts and waited for them to speak. “Yeah, I know. Just, give me a moment.”

  I nodded and couldn’t stop myself from giving their hand a reassuring squeeze. They smiled at me as they squeezed back. After a minute they took a deep breath and gave me a nod. With a smile, I opened my door and got out. Once they’d left the car and walked over to me, I nodded towards the building and said, “Ready?”

  “Yeah. Just, Brady…” They started and I turned to look at them again. Their cheeks were slightly flushed as they met my eyes and said, “I wanted to say that you look really amazing tonight. And…” My grin could probably be seen from miles away but I didn’t care because Charlie looked so fucking adorable giving me a compliment and I couldn’t dim my smile for all the world.

  “And?” I prompted, sure they’d been about to say more.

  They blushed deeper and I realized they were feeling shy about saying whatever it is they wanted to say, which made me even more curious. I waited a breath, hoping they’d speak up on their own and I wouldn’t have to wheedle it out of them. Though I wouldn't mind doing that, either.

  “I was wondering if you’d teach me how to put on eyeshadow. And eyeliner. I tried myself today but it took me almost thirty minutes to get it right,” They confessed and for a moment, I was stumped. I’d definitely not expected that but even so, pride swept through me at the fact that they wanted to explore, that they’d even tried to do it on their own. They weren’t afraid anymore and I
felt so fucking proud of them.

  “I would love to!” I exclaimed and then pulled them into a hug for good measure. My head came up to their shoulders, so when they hugged me back, I was completely enveloped in their warmth and the faint perfume they’d used. I couldn’t recognize the smell, it was minty but there was a spicy undertone to it. Somehow, the scent suited Charlie perfectly and I didn’t want to leave that warm embrace.

  It took me a minute to remember where I was and I pulled back and smiled up at Charlie, hoping they hadn’t been weirded out by me suddenly jumping them. The smile on their face told me they were fine and I grinned at them as I said, “I’m so fucking proud of you, Charlie De Luca.”

  Charlie flushed again but smiled with a pleased expression on their face. I extended my hand to them and said, “Come on, let’s shower some gorgeousness into that party.” Charlie chuckled before taking my hand and I squeezed it once before leading them into the world of glitter and rainbow. It was going to be such a fun party.

  9 | Charlie

  My mouth fell open the moment we stepped into the lobby. The sun had almost set, so the interior was lit up with bright lights, making all the tassels and glittery decoration sparkle even more. Pride flags hung from posts around the room and there wasn’t a bit of the wall that wasn’t decorated in one way or another. Balloons of all colors were strewn around the room. If this was what the lobby looked like, I couldn’t wait to see the party hall.

  Brady chuckled at the look of awe on my face before pulling me after him as he led the way down the corridor, waving to the people who passed by. No one gave me a second glance and the last of the nerves seeped out of me. Brady had been right. I wasn’t weird or different here. And when we stepped into the party room, I realized that I wouldn’t just be accepted here, I could belong here.