Finding Me

by Stella Rainbow

  As I sang, my mind went back to my brother. I’d barely talked to him since I’d moved here and I missed him terribly. A part of me knew he missed me just as much, probably more but I didn’t know how to go back to being his brother. I wasn’t sure if he’d accept me for who I was. After all, he believed the same things my father did.

  “You okay?” Brady asked and I realized I’d stopped singing as I got lost in my thoughts. I blew out a breath, wishing I wouldn’t have to lose my brother but knowing it was likely I would.

  “I used to sing that song to my little brother when he was a kid. I just got sidetracked thinking about him.”

  “You miss him,” Brady stated, his voice full of understanding.

  “Yeah, I do. But…I feel like missing him is still better than knowing he wouldn’t accept me like this,” I said, gesturing towards my robe covered body.

  “If I had a sibling like you—not that I even want to imagine you as my sibling. I mean, if I had a sibling who had taken care of me since I was a kid and loved me unconditionally, then there’s no way I’d let them go,” Brady said and I hoped my brother felt the same. I wasn’t ready to tell him yet, but when I was, I hoped he’d accept me for who I was.

  I pulled Brady closer, pressing my face into his hair and breathing in fruity his scent. I never wanted to let him go and I hoped he wouldn’t let me go either.

  I was looking forward to the support group today but I was also kinda nervous. I’d talked to Jo a few times and I believed we were friends, but I had no clue how the other people would be. I tapped my fingers on the wooden table as I waited for Jo to get here. They’d decided that we should go to the support group together and so here I was—an hour before the meeting—waiting for Jo at Bean Yourself.

  Jo walked in a few minutes later, dressed in a soft orange dress that ended at their knees, their purple-gray hair pinned back on one side of their face and an uneasy smile on their face. The smile turned genuine the moment they spotted me and rushed closer, taking the seat across from me.

  Now that they were closer, I noticed that their hands were shaking slightly. “You okay?”

  Jo closed their eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before they looked up, “Yeah…I just had a feeling someone was watching me.”

  My eyes widened and I glanced out the window as if they’d be standing there with their face stuck to the glass. “Shit. Are you okay?” I repeated the question, not sure what else I could do at the moment.

  “Nah, it was probably one of my brothers,” They said with an annoyed huff and I frowned. Why was their own brother scaring them like that?

  “Why was your brother following you?”

  Jo waved a hand at themselves as if that explained everything, and I guess it did because I knew instantly what they meant. My immediate reaction was to question myself if my own brother would react the same way and I shook my head as I focused on Jo.

  “They didn’t take it well, I assume?”

  “Yeah, that’s one way to say it. You see, they’re my step-brothers, four of them. They’re all huge. And utter assholes. My mom married their dad when I was five, and I spent my whole life getting bullied by them. For being overweight, for not being their blood relation. Basically, any reason they could find. When I was outed, I was sure they’d kill me, so I ran. I don’t know what would’ve happened if Mama D hadn’t found me, but I’m glad she did.” So was I. In the short time I’d known Jo, I’d realized they were an awesome person, cheerful and bold and unafraid to be themselves.

  “What about you? How did your family take it?” They asked and then immediately shook their head. “That was too intrusive, wasn’t it? Ignore me.”

  I gave them a smile to tell them I didn’t mind before telling them my story. “My mom died when I was five, so by the time I realized who I was, I was so scared of losing my dad and my brother that I kept it all hidden. I didn’t try to explore or even figure myself out. I just kind of shut down. I knew my dad was homophobic to the core and he wouldn’t accept me. I loved him too much, I guess. When he died of a heart attack, though? I realized life was way too short to live in hiding. So I moved here and decided I wouldn’t hide anymore. My brother doesn’t know yet, and I haven’t built up the courage to tell him either.”

  “Take your time, Charlie. You’ll know when it’s time to tell him. Tell me, how did you even meet Brady? I don’t think it was through Voice Out because I would know if that was the case.”

  I blushed slightly, thankful that Brady wasn’t here to tell his version of the story. But then, as if I’d summoned him by thinking about him, Brady walked up beside us, taking a seat on the arm of my chair. “What’s up, peeps? Ready to go to the meet?”

  “Yep. I was just asking Charlie how the two of you met,” Jo said and I winced internally at the look of absolute delight on Brady’s face.

  His green eyes twinkled with wicked joy as he grinned. “Oooh, that’s a long story. How about I tell you on the way?”

  I sighed, resigned to my fate as I followed the two of them outside. Even as I bitched about it, I knew I’d be happy to deal with anything as long as I got to keep Brady with me.

  The support group was more like a friendly gathering and I hadn’t expected to enjoy it as much as I did. I’d already met Jo and Blue—who I now knew was gender non-confirming—and there were just two other members to the group, Mae who was agender and Mellow, who was polygender. I knew this because it was how they’d each introduced themselves, along with their pronouns. Following their lead, I’d done the same.

  It was surprising how different all of us were and yet how similar. While Mae had long hair dyed into the rainbow colors, dark eyes that looked like they hid all the secrets of the world, Blue had short, spiky blue hair—true to zir name—and an easy smile that lit up zir face every few minutes. Mellow was the quietest of us all, content to sit and listen as everyone talked. Mellow had long brown hair tied in a ponytail and M’s fingers were stained with paint, telling me M was an artist. They seemed to be shy and though this was our first meeting, I hoped I’d be able to befriend M. I’d like to know someone I could talk art with.

  Brady played the host, asking questions and basically leading the conversations whenever there was a lull. Two hours passed so quickly that I didn’t even realize it and I knew as soon as everyone left that I would be coming back every month. Talking to these people, I’d felt like I finally had someone who understood exactly what it was like to be me. Brady understood, but not in the same way since his experience was completely different than mine. We’d swapped numbers before they left and I was looking forward to becoming friends with all of them.

  “So, what did you think?” Brady asked as we made our way to my car.

  “I thought that they were all awesome. Also, I’d like to come with you every weekend. I know the support group is only once a month, but I want to participate in the self-defense class and maybe volunteer whatever help I can.”

  Brady stopped walking suddenly before turning to look at me with wide eyes. “Really?”

  My brows scrunched up in confusion at the obvious surprise in Brady’s voice. “Um, yeah. Why do you look so surprised?”

  Brady shook his head before giving me a wide smile. “Sorry, I keep forgetting how amazing you are. I’d love it if you came here with me every weekend.”

  I shook my head. I was just trying to do something nice, just like he was. That didn’t make me amazing. That made me human.

  As we got into the car, Brady turned to me with a soft smile and said, “The reason I was surprised is, none of my exes ever understood how much Voice Out means to me. They’d get annoyed if I started talking about one of the kids or about something that happened. And here you are, wanting to work with me. It just surprised me. As I said, I keep forgetting how unique and special you are and how lucky I am that you decided to stalk me.”

  I flushed, feeling so many things all at once that I didn’t know what to say. In the end, I rolled my
eyes at him as I started the car. “I was not stalking you.”

  Brady shrugged and I knew he’d be telling everyone who asked that’s how we met. Strangely, the thought didn’t annoy me much.

  16 | Brady

  I couldn’t stop fidgeting in my chair as we all waited for Luke and Scott to arrive.

  A week ago, Scott had told us he planned on asking Luke to marry him on their weekend trip. So of course, being the awesome people we were, we planned a surprise engagement party for the two of them.

  They believed they were coming here to have dinner and celebrate with me and Angie. What they didn’t know was that Mama D, her husband Ryan, Charlie and Scott’s best friend and his wife were also here to celebrate their big day with them.

  “Why are they taking so long?” I hissed, making Charlie chuckle. We were seated in a private booth at our usual pub, Zimmer. It was where Rohan, one of the other volunteers at Voice Out, performed as Rowena Sequins. Though it didn’t look like she had a show on tonight.

  The pub was pretty full, with all kinds of people milling about. My favorite thing about Zimmer was its inclusivity. No one batted an eye if you were a drag queen or a leather daddy, as long as you were respectful to everyone else, you had a place here.

  “Maybe they’re in the honeymoon phase already,” Ryan said, waggling his brows while Mama D shook her head at him. Ryan was the same age as Mama D, his blond hair streaked with gray, his blue eyes bright in the dim pub. I admired the heck out of the man for how supportive he'd been of Mama D right from the beginning.

  “Or maybe Luke doesn’t want to come because someone decided a pub would be the best place to celebrate,” Angie spoke up, staring pointedly my way.

  I shrugged. “We all know he needs a gentle nudge sometimes to get out of his comfort zone. Or a kick in the ass.”

  “Oh, is that so?” Luke’s voice came from behind me. I turned around to grin at him as everyone scrambled to shout ‘congratulations’ at the same time. I wasn’t sure how they managed to butcher it up so badly, but they did.

  Luke didn’t seem to mind though, because he just grinned at us as his eyes filled with tears and he leaned back against Scott’s chest as if seeking support. I shot up off my chair and pulled Luke into a hug. He squeezed me tightly and I pressed a kiss on his cheek before pulling away. “When you’re looking for a best man, remember that it was me who told you to give Scott a shot,” I said, holding on to his hand as I looked at him with my serious face.

  His face shone with how happy he was and that made me happier than he could imagine. Ever since the day I’d met him, I’d wanted nothing but to keep Luke safe and make him happy. He was like a younger brother to me and I was so fucking happy that he was finally getting the happy ending he deserved. God knew he’d paid enough.

  “Duh, of course you’ll be my best man,” Luke said it as if it was a given and I grinned before pulling him into another hug.

  After that, Scott and Luke were passed around the group until everyone had hugged and congratulated them. Once everyone was seated, Luke smiled around the table. “Thank you so much, all of you, for doing this. You can’t imagine how much this means to me.”

  “We’re your family, sweetie. Of course we wanted to share your big day with you.” Mama D’s voice was soft and I wondered just how many kids she’d made a part of her family over the years. I only knew the people who’d been in and around Voice Out in the past three years and I knew for a fact Mama D had helped hundreds of kids in just that time. We were all so fucking lucky to have her.

  The conversations flowed easily and so did the food and before we knew it we were finishing our desserts and getting ready to leave.

  Luke and Scott sat on the other side from us, their heads bent together as they discussed something. The love they felt for each other seemed to ooze out of them and I couldn’t stop my eyes from drifting towards Charlie.

  My eyes widened slightly when I realized they were already watching me and I smiled up at them, warmth fluttering in my chest at their replying smile. It lit up their whole face, making them look even more gorgeous than they already were. I was surprised at how deeply I felt for this person I’d met just a few short months ago. I’d never felt so strongly about anyone. It wasn’t love exactly…but I believed it could easily become love if I continued down this path. Surprisingly, the idea didn’t scare me much.

  Once the desserts were gone, everyone started drifting towards the bar while Scott and Luke thanked everyone for the surprise and excused themselves since neither of them were drinkers. Mike and Rochelle left too, considering they had a little girl to get home to, while the rest of us sneaked off in pairs and Angie drifted off towards the dance floor.

  I turned to Charlie, a smile on my face as I extended my hand. “How about we get a drink?”

  Charlie took my hand even as they said, “Just a beer. I’ll be driving. Can I get you something?”

  “A Lemon Martini, please.” I didn't want to get drunk, but I could definitely do with something sweet and sour.

  “Sure thing,” Charlie said as they pressed a kiss to the back of my hand before making their way to the bar.

  I leaned against a pillar as I waited for them and my eyes narrowed as I watched a big, leather daddy kinda guy slink closer to Charlie and say something in their ear.

  Charlie shook their head, but the man continued talking, leaning closer to them as he did and placing his hand on their arm to keep them from leaving.

  I was moving before I made a conscious decision to do so. I squeezed myself between the two—thankful for my small size for the first time in my life—and knocked off the man’s hand from where he still had a hold on them.

  “Back off, mate. They’re not available.”

  Since Zimmer was known for its high security standards, the man merely raised his palms in surrender before walking away.

  Charlie looked at me with a raised brow and I shrugged as I took my drink from their hand, itching to drag Charlie onto the dance floor and make that lithe body of theirs move. I also wanted to show everyone that they were mine, but no one needed to know that.

  Charlie leaned closer to me so I had to crane my neck to look up at them. They pressed their cheek against mine, their warm breath tickling my ear and making me shiver. I clutched their shirt in my free hand to keep them from moving and tilted my neck further. Their warm chuckle washed over me as they spoke, their low voice barely audible in the din of the club, “I didn’t peg you for the jealous type.”

  I sank my fingers into their hair and pulled, turning my head so we were nose to nose as I gave them a wicked grin. “I’m not jealous, babe. I’m territorial. Jealous are all these people who want you but can’t have you. Territorial is me protecting what’s mine.” I watched their eyes darken with want and I held their gaze as I leaned forward and pulled their lower lip between my teeth, biting into the soft, plush skin. I watched as their pupils expanded until their baby blues had all but disappeared under the heat of their dark gaze. I loved pushing their buttons, loved watching them unravel. For me.

  I pulled back after another tug on that gorgeous lip of theirs before grabbing their hand. “Come on, let’s dance.”

  The look on their face as they realized they were in for a night of torture made me grin at them wickedly as a shiver of excitement raced through me. Oh, this was going to be so much fun.

  I pulled them into the throng of sweaty, twisting bodies that thrummed with energy as they moved and pressed myself against them as soon as I found an open spot big enough for the two of us.

  I gripped their hip tightly with one hand as the other sank into their hair again, holding on to their neck so I could pull them into a kiss whenever I wanted. I loved how pliant Charlie was with me. Because of my size and my all around twinkness, every partner in my past had wanted to be the one on top, the one leading everything even though I’d had no inclination towards bottoming whatsoever. It was why my relationships had never lasted and why being with Ch
arlie was so refreshing and so good.

  With Charlie, it was as if they wanted to give up the control, wanted me to lead them, to take them wherever I wanted to. And I loved that. I couldn’t get over how perfectly we fit together, how much I wanted to press Charlie against a wall and kiss them senseless right this moment. It was a heady feeling, one that I never wanted to end.

  We swayed to the beat of the music and I took every opportunity to rub against them. Little touches that would keep the fire burning until we got home.

  They seemed to catch on quick though, because soon their hands were slipping under the back of my shirt, fingers running up and down my back as they locked eyes with me. They licked their lips as they watched me and I couldn’t stop myself from pulling them closer and fusing our lips together. The kiss was like throwing coals over the already blazing fire of my want for them and I molded my body to theirs as my tongue tangled with theirs. The faint taste of beer lingered in their mouth and I licked into it, beer somehow made absolutely addicting with the taste of them mixed in. My grip on their hair tightened and I pulled them closer still, not wanting to leave a lick of space between us. Not wanting to ever let go of them.

  When my lungs started burning from lack of oxygen, I pulled away, maintaining my grip on their neck as I rested my forehead against theirs. We stayed like that for a few moments as we caught our breaths, and slowly the sounds around us drifted back into my lust fogged brain. The music. The heat. The sweaty bodies all around us.

  “Let’s get out of here, shall we?” I asked, finally letting go of Charlie’s neck so they could straighten up. They were nodding before I finished my question and I grabbed their hand as I made my way out of the crowded dance floor.

  I didn’t stop walking until we’d reached our car and then I was pressing them against it, my hands roving over their body as I pulled them close enough to claim their lips. The kiss was hard and fast, a prequel to what was to come, though I knew I wouldn’t be taking Charlie hard and fast tonight. Not this time. Their first time with me would be sweet and gentle and everything they deserved. We’d taken things slow up until now, and no matter what I said, it had been for the both of us. But I was ready now, and I could see it in their eyes that so was Charlie.