Finding Me

by Stella Rainbow

  “Much better,” I whispered against their lips, sinking my fingers into their hair and holding on tightly as I kissed them again. My tongue danced with theirs and I could taste the minty freshness of their toothpaste mingled with the sweet taste of them. Kissing them felt like nothing I’d ever felt before. It was the feeling of being wrapped up in your favorite blanket, of watching the first snowfall and of winning the lottery all rolled into one. It was the highest of the highs and the brightest of the sparks and I never, ever wanted to stop. Don’t tell anyone I was such a sap on the inside. It’s my dirty secret.

  The shrill blaring of my phone pulled me away from Charlie and I rested my forehead against theirs, panting as I tried to catch my breath. I wriggled on the counter and huffed in annoyance when I couldn’t pull my phone out. Why did I tuck it in the front pocket?

  With great reluctance, I pulled away from Charlie and leaned backwards to get the phone out, glaring at Angie’s name on the caller screen as I picked up the call.

  “What?” I snapped and heard Angie chuckle on the other end.

  “Aw, did I interrupt a banging session?”

  “Trust me, if that was the case, I wouldn’t be talking to you right now,” I said as I watched Charlie’s face flush with color. They’d definitely heard that.

  Angie laughed on the other end before she spoke again, “So, you coming today? Or do I have to teach alone?”

  “We’re coming. We’ll be there in a few.”

  “We, huh? I’m looking forward to meeting Charlie again. Didn’t really get to talk to them much at the party.”

  “Cool, be there in a few.” I ended the call and looked up to find Charlie looking at the phone with a strange expression on their face.

  “What’s up with the face?”

  Charlie shook their head before smiling at me. “Nothing, I was just thinking about how no one at Voice Out ever messes up my name or pronouns or anything. It’s just…surprising.”

  I smiled as I ran my fingers across their cheek. “Some of them might. The young ones. The new ones. But most of the people you met at the party, they’ve been a part of this little community of ours for a long time. They understand how wrong misgendering someone is and try their best to make sure it never happens. We have a few non-binary members and they help everyone understand what’s right and wrong. It’s how we work.”

  “I’m in awe of everything you—and Mama D and Angie and everyone at Voice Out—do. I’d love to be a part of this community, this…family.”

  I laughed as I hopped off the counter and pulled Charlie into my arms. “What are you talking about? You’re already a part of the family.”

  After a hurried breakfast, Charlie drove us to the Voice Out building as I told them about the class I’d be teaching. We didn’t teach any kind of professional courses like judo, just simple self-defense that unfortunately, most of the kids who came to us needed. Ways to get out of a hold, to incapacitate an attacker enough to make a run for it, things like that.

  I wished these kids didn’t have to learn that, that they could live their lives happily and fearlessly, like they were supposed to. But our world was full of assholes and at the end of the day it was better to know how to protect yourself than not.

  “Do you know any self-defense?” I asked Charlie as we reached our destination. They shook their head, brows scrunching up in thought.

  “No, not really. Can I learn with the other people?”

  I smiled at the eagerness in their voice. “Of course, you can. Let’s go before Angie comes out here and drags me out of the car.”

  Charlie chuckled as they got out of the car and I followed suit. Together, we walked into the building and I led the way to the room that we used for the classes. Angie was already there, directing the kids as they stretched.

  “Thank god. I thought you’d never show up. Hey Charlie, good to see you again,” Angie said, voice brightening when she talked to my partner.

  “Hey Angie, you too.”

  As the two of them chatted, I walked around the room, directing people who needed help and just saying hello to the others. I frowned when my eyes fell on Jo. They looked troubled, and it was slightly disconcerting to see them without their smile. I felt like Charlie must’ve felt when they saw me without makeup and bright clothes this morning. Something was missing.

  “Hey, Jo! You okay?”

  Jo looked up at me and gave me a smile so fake it made me cringe. Without waiting for their reply, I grabbed their arm in a light grip and pulled them into a corner where the other kids wouldn’t overhear and said, “Spill.”

  Jo chewed their lip, looking anywhere but at me and I took a moment to look them over. Jo was a few years younger than me, twenty-three if I remembered correctly. They were AMAB—a male at birth—like Charlie, and were currently dressed in one of their gym outfits, though they usually preferred to wear dresses. Their medium length hair fell to their shoulders and was dyed a mix of purple and gray that gave it a smokey look. With a few eyebrow piercings and the tongue piercing that peeked out once in a while, Jo might have seemed a bit gothic if it weren’t for the constant smile that lit up their face. A smile that was missing at the moment.

  “What’s wrong? And don’t bullshit me. I can see something is up and you better tell me without me having to torture it out of you.”

  Jo’s brows reached into their hairline as they gave me a disbelieving look and I narrowed my eyes at them and leaned forward. My arms shot out before they could realize what I was up to and then I was tickling them. A surprised giggle shot out of them before they started laughing in earnest.

  “Stop! Stop, I’ll tell you! Please!” They gasped through tears and I finally let go, crossing my arms as I waited them out.

  Once they’d stopped laughing, they reverted back to being serious and sighed loudly, “I spotted my brothers lurking outside my campus a few days ago.”

  “A few days ago? Why didn’t you tell me?” I demanded and the anger was clear in my voice. Jo’s brothers were assholes who just couldn’t accept that Jo wasn’t who they wanted them to be. I had seen them before, right in the beginning when Jo had first come to Voice Out, and I knew they’d abused Jo when they had lived with them.

  Jo shrugged, looking anywhere but at me, “You’ve been so happy the past few weeks since you met Charlie. I didn’t want to bother you with my shit.”

  I was tempted to either punch the idiot or pull them into a hug and I couldn’t decide on one. So I ruffled their hair and glared at them. “Don’t be an idiot. You’re my family. If you have a problem, you come to me. Understand? I don’t care if I’m in the middle of having sex with Charlie, I will be there if you need me, okay?”

  A choking sound made me turn to see Charlie there, blushing with embarrassment even though I could see amusement shining in their eyes. I pulled them closer, grinning up at them innocently.

  The smile I’d been missing brightened Jo’s face as they waved at Charlie. "Hey Charlie, it's good to see you again!"

  While they chattered, I pulled out my phone and texted Mama D, not wanting to forget about something so important.

  Me: Hey Ma, I was just talking to Jo Warren and they said they spotted those a-hole brothers of theirs around their dorm.

  Mama D: Those bastards. I’ll talk to the dorm and campus security. Tell Jo to send me details/pics of their brothers so I can let security know. And tell them to let us know if they ever feel unsafe.

  Me: Will do. Gotta go, class to take.

  Mama D: Take care and remember, don’t work too much.

  Me: Yes, mom.

  Putting my phone away, I focused on my partner, loving the wide smile gracing their face. Charlie and Jo were well on their way to becoming best friends and I was glad. Everyone needed a best friend.

  “Come on, you sap. Stop staring at your person and help me out,” Angie called out across the room. Forget what I said. You don’t need a best friend to survive. No need at all.

  I glared a
t the woman I considered my best friend—or best female friend, I suppose since I couldn’t forget Luke—as I walked across the room. If I didn’t throw her on the mat at least a few times, I wouldn’t be satisfied.

  After three hours of teaching—where I managed to throw Angie down on the mat thrice—I was glad to be home and in desperate need of a shower. Charlie had partnered up with Jo and practiced along with us, so they were just as sweaty and I wondered if they would want to shower together. Before I could ask, they were walking across the room and picking something up from the couch. They turned to me with a sheepish smile as they held out a package to me.

  “I completely forgot but I brought this for you yesterday. I got distracted before I could give it to you,” Charlie’s face flushed as they spoke and I couldn’t help the grin that spread across my face as I remembered last night. Oh, they’d been distracted all right.

  But then what they’d said sank in and I said, “I thought I told you not to buy me any gifts.”

  Charlie nodded, as if they’d expected me to say that, “I know and I didn’t. I made it for you.”

  “Oh!” I took the package without wasting a second and ripped into it. I hated when people bought me things, but I loved when people made them for me. I felt that when someone made something for me, they showed that they really cared about me enough to spend some time making something just for me. It was why my cabinets were full of things kids had made at Voice Out.

  A gasp left my lips as I stared at what Charlie had made for me. It was a sketch done in color pencils. Cherry sat in the center, her tongue lolling as she looked at me. I was in a side profile and so was Charlie. But, it was what we were doing that made me smile. We sat on the floor, cross-legged and I was holding an eyeliner in my hand, my tongue sticking out as I lined Charlie’s lashes while they stared at me as if I’d hung the moon. I was in awe of how easily I could see the depths of Charlie’s emotions through the picture.

  “Charlie…” I murmured, too awed to say anything else. I looked up at them and I was sure I looked exactly like they did in the picture.

  “You asked me to draw you and Cherry, remember?” They said and now that they mentioned it, I did remember. I’d asked them to draw me and Cherry the first time I’d seen their sketches. I’d completely forgotten about that, but obviously, they hadn’t.

  “I hope you like it,” Charlie said in a soft whisper. I carefully placed the framed drawing on the coffee table before grabbing the nape of Charlie’s neck and pulling them towards me. I kissed them softly, throwing every emotion I was feeling into the kiss and hoping they could feel it too. I’d never expected to find someone like them. Someone who fit so perfectly with me. Someone who didn’t need me to change in order to want me.

  “Come shower with me?” I asked against their lips, desperately hoping they’d say yes because I didn’t want to leave them alone for even a second.

  “I’d love to,” They replied softly and I smiled. Pulling back, I grabbed their hand and led them to my bedroom. I took my time undressing them, dropping kisses on their body as I went. Once they were naked, I removed my clothes before leading them into the bathroom. I turned on the shower and followed Charlie into the tub, glad it was big enough for the both of us.

  I grabbed the loofah and poured some body wash into it. Smiling at Charlie, I ran the loofah over their chest, making sure not to touch them with my bare skin, not because I didn’t want to but because I wanted them to wait, to yearn for it. I took my time washing their front, all the way down their legs while making sure to avoid their dick that stood tall, waiting for my touch.

  I directed them to turn around and took my time running the loofah over their broad back. I couldn’t stop myself from leaning up and pressing kisses on their shoulder blades. I traced a line of kisses down their back before sinking to my knees and dropping the loofah.

  I rubbed my palms on their ass, squeezing the cheeks and making them moan. Before they could react further, I leaned forward and ran my tongue across their hole, making them jerk forward. “Hold on to something,” I ordered, not wanting them to slip and hurt themselves.

  Once they had a firm grip on the towel rod, I resumed my ministrations, lapping and tonguing at their hole until they were a moaning, babbling mess.

  “Turn around,” I told them and as soon as they had gripped the towel rod again, I swallowed their dick in one smooth move. The loud moan that left their lips made me moan around their cock as I grabbed my own hard dick and pumped it as I sucked and licked at Charlie’s.

  I used one hand to play with Charlie’s balls as I kept pumping their dick with my mouth, loving the loud sounds they were making. I felt the moment they reached their edge because they stiffened against me, their whole body freezing as they fell over the edge and then my mouth was full of warm, salty cum that I swallowed eagerly. I barely heard the loud noise that rang through the bathroom as my orgasm hit and I came all over the bathtub, my cum splashing against Charlie’s feet before getting washed away.

  It took me a moment to catch my breath and remember the strange sound I’d heard. I looked up to see Charlie still holding on to the towel rod except the rod wasn’t attached to the wall anymore.

  I chuckled as I stood up, my throat feeling a bit raw after our latest adventure. I loved giving head, but I loved it even more when I was giving it to them. “Wow, babe. You’ve got some strength.”

  Charlie blushed prettily, still holding on to the rod and looking unsure of what to do with it. I took it from their hand and put it on the counter to deal with later before pulling them into my arms and kissing them softly.

  “Come on, let’s get out of here before the water gets cold.”

  I turned off the shower and led Charlie out of the tub. Grabbing a few towels from the cabinet, I wiped Charlie down before wiping myself while Charlie looked on with a sated smile on their face.

  “How about we cuddle in bed for a while before thinking about lunch?” I asked. I’d come to realize there was nothing Charlie loved more than cuddling and I was only too happy to cuddle with them as much as I could.

  “Sounds perfect,” Charlie said and I grinned before wrapping them up in a silky robe I’d found the other day. It was a dark blue color and fell across Charlie’s body in waves, encasing them in its silky softness. Charlie looked down at what I’d draped them in, as if they’d just realized I’d clothed them.

  “Do you like it? I saw it at the store the other day and felt like it would look good on you. You don’t have to wear it if you don’t like it, of course.”

  “I love it,” Charlie said softly before leaning down and pressing a kiss on the tip of my nose. God, they were adorable. “Come on, then.”

  15 | Charlie

  We lay on Brady’s bed, with my head resting on his chest, my body curled around his smaller frame.

  I gazed into his bright green eyes, his full lips that were tilted in a barely there smile as he returned my gaze.

  “Can you…” I started hesitantly, not sure how he’d take my request. Would it sound too weird? Too needy? He quirked his brow at me, urging me to go on.

  “Could you play with my hair, maybe?” I asked, my cheeks flaming as I looked away. Brady didn’t say anything, though. He didn’t tease me about my weird request. A moment later, I felt his fingers lightly brush through my wet hair. He twirled a lock of hair around his finger and I looked up at him to find him smiling down at me. He pulled the curl closer to his face, leaning in to breathe in the scent. “I love the way your hair smells. It’s this perfect mix of spicy and sweet.”

  “Like you,” I added, making him chuckle. I sighed in contentment as he kept running his fingers through my hair, his nails scraping against my scalp once in a while.

  “Do you mind if we stay like this for a little longer?” I asked after a while, happy to lay in his arms for as long as he’d let me.

  “You love cuddling, don’t you?” He asked with a grin, tightening his arms around me in answer to my q
uestion.

  I shrugged, rubbing my palm against his side as I spoke, “My family was never the touchy-feely type. I can’t even remember the last time someone hugged me. Except Mama D at the party. And you.”

  I waited for the pity, for him to say that was awful. Instead, he pressed a kiss to my forehead, humming against my skin as he held me closer and said, “Yeah, mine neither. So how about we just stay here and cuddle forever?”

  I smiled widely at him, a part of me surprised at what he’d said about his parents. I’d expected them to be just as bright and loving as Brady, so it took me a moment to process the fact that they weren’t like their son, that Brady’s bright and sweet nature was all him. But then again, maybe that was why Brady never talked about them unless it was in passing.

  Pushing the thoughts away, I pressed my ear against his chest, letting the sound of his heart beats surround me in its warmth.

  We lay in silence for a few minutes before Brady spoke again, “Will you sing to me again? I just remembered that night I’d been sick. You sang me to sleep, didn’t you?”

  I looked up to see him watching me and a light blush colored my cheeks. I shrugged. “You asked me to.”

  “So, I’m asking again. Sing to me, please? I love your voice,” Brady admitted, making me blush harder. I swallowed as I crawled up beside him so I could rest against the headrest. Pulling him closer to my side, I took a deep breath and started singing the lullaby I’d sang to him that night. It was in Spanish and I only remembered it because my mom had sung it to me when I was a kid and then I’d sung it for my brother after she’d died.