Finding Me

by Stella Rainbow

  “No need to apologize, honey. Tell me what you need,” Mama D’s voice turned firm as she spoke, but that warmth was still there.

  “I...uh, you said you could help me when I felt like I didn’t…fit in?” My voice went high at the end, turning my statement into a question and I chewed on my lower lip as I waited for her answer.

  “Of course, sweetie. Is Brady still at the café?”

  I nodded before remembering we were on call and answered, “Yeah, he won’t be back for another few hours, I think. Kasey took a day off so he needs to be there to handle the morning rush.”

  “Okay, don’t worry about him. Tell me what you’re feeling. What do you need help with? What can I do?”

  I explained what I wanted, what was missing as clearly as I could, wondering all the time if I even made any sense. When I was done, Mama D hummed in thought before speaking, “Alright, so here’s what you’re going to do. Grab a bag, pick the outfit you really want to wear right now and pack it. Wear your comfiest clothes, the baggy ones that feel like someone’s hugging you, you know?”

  “Yeah,” I nodded, remembering the hoodies I’d stolen from my brother’s closet before I moved here. Even though he was younger than me, he was bigger and his clothes dwarfed me pretty comfily.

  “I’m texting you my address. Come over with that bag and I’ll help you out. Just tell me a few things before you end the call.” She asked me the color of my outfit, my size and a few other things before she was satisfied. Once I’d ended the call, I followed her directions, feeling a smidgen better now that I had something to do. I just hoped that whatever Mama D did would help and make me feel like myself again.

  I shuffled on my feet as I rang the doorbell. The drive here had been short and I’d spent the whole time wondering if this was a good idea. What if whatever Mama D had in mind didn’t help? Was I ready for the disappointment? Or what if it made the unease worse? What would I do then? Maybe I should’ve done what I always did and hid under the covers, blocked everyone out. It had worked so far, hadn’t it?

  Even as I thought that, I knew I was lying to myself because I’d been absolutely miserable before. Especially on days like this one. But ever since I met Brady, I realized that I didn’t have to be miserable. That thinking about myself and what I needed was okay.

  The door opened, pulling me out of my thoughts and I looked up as Mama D smiled at me, “Hey Charlie, come on in. Is it okay if I call you Charlie? Do you have another name, sweetie?”

  I shook my head as I stepped into the hallway and she closed the door behind me, “No, Charlie is fine, thank you.”

  She led me into a spacious living room that looked homey and warm, just like the woman who lived here. Brown comfy looking couches were covered in pillows of all colors, a dark wooden coffee table set in the center. A big LED screen was mounted on the wall above a cabinet that seemed to be full of DVDs.

  “Can I hug you, Charlie?” Mama D asked, pulling me out of my observation. The fact that she’d asked instead of just hugging me like she’d done before told me she understood how I was feeling. I bit my lip, unsure how to decline without sounding bad, because with how off I felt right now, even the thought of someone touching me made me want to cringe.

  She gave me a soft smile. “It’s okay, Charlie. I know we all have our own experiences, but I do understand how you feel. Now, let’s get to work. I have some things set out for you in the guest bedroom. Let me show you.”

  I followed her as she led me up the stairs and down a hallway. I couldn’t help looking at all the pictures that adorned the walls as we walked. It took me only a moment to realize that all the people in the pictures were kids from Voice Out. Brady had told me Mama D considered them her children, but I hadn’t actually realized the depths of her love and commitment for them until now. The pictures showed kids from mid-teens to people in their thirties, all smiling widely as they chatted with her. Most of the pictures were candids and I wondered who had managed to capture these moments so perfectly.

  Mama D must’ve noticed my preoccupation because she came to a stop in front of a picture of none other than my very own boyfriend as he laughed at something Mama D must’ve said. The tips of his hair were fiery red in the picture and he looked absolutely gorgeous. I forced myself to look away from the picture and found Mama D grinning at me. “Thought you’d like that one,” I blushed, ducking my head to hide the wide smile on my face.

  “Who took these pictures? They’re beautiful.”

  “That would be my dear husband, Ryan.”

  “Oh!” I exclaimed and I was sure the surprise was clear in my voice.

  She grinned at me as she resumed walking and I rushed to stay by her side, “Why? Did you think you’re the only one who can bag herself a talented hottie, girlie?”

  My heart fluttered at the nickname and I smiled warmly at her despite the blush that stole across my cheeks at her teasing.

  “Alright, here we are. I don’t want to come in with you just yet because I think you might need a moment. But I’ll be right here if you need help with anything, so just call out to me, okay?”

  I nodded before stepping into the room and closing the door behind me. I stared at the closed door for a few moments as the uncertainty swamped me again. I dropped my bag at my feet and took a deep breath, releasing it slowly as I gathered my courage. Turning around seemed like such a big step.

  “You can do it,” I mumbled to myself and then turned around before I could stop myself. My eyes zeroed in on the bed and that’s where they stayed trained. I didn’t spare a glance to anything else as I made my way to the pieces of clothing Mama D had laid out for me. I swallowed hard as I extended a shaky hand and traced the edge of the padded bra with my fingertips. It was almost the same shade as my tan skin and softer than I’d thought it would be. I picked it up hesitantly and turned it this way and that as I examined it. The other thing Mama D had laid out was cotton panties in the same color. They were nothing like the lacy stuff I’d bought before, they were just simple underwear and somehow, that made them even more precious to me.

  I laid them both back down before removing my clothes. I struggled with the bra for a few moments before managing to snap it shut. It fit perfectly. I switched my boxer briefs with the panties, keeping my eyes squeezed shut as I did. I’d already pulled out the clothes I’d brought with myself, so I quickly slipped the dress—the one with the V split on the front that I’d been wearing when Brady had kissed me for the first time ever—over my head. I glanced down at myself and my heart fluttered yet again when I saw my full chest. I knew it was just the bra, but I still felt so much better. I grabbed the shorts that went with the dress and pulled them on, too. I realized just as I was closing the bag that I’d also packed the pink bracelet Brady had gotten me and I put that on with a smile.

  It was only when I was done that I realized there were no mirrors in the room. Though there was a table in the corner that held an unopened bottle of body lotion that I assumed was also for me. I removed the seal and uncapped it, smiling at the faint cocoa scent it had. I pumped some into my palms before rubbing it onto my arms, loving how they made my skin feel so much softer. I did the same with my legs before putting the bottle away. Without thinking too much about it, I walked over to the door and opened it.

  Mama D looked up from where she’d been leaning against the wall across the hallway and her face lit up with a big smile as she looked me over. “Oh Charlie, you look so beautiful, sweetheart.”

  I blushed, tucking my hair behind my ear as I wondered if she really meant that. I already did feel much better, even though not much had changed. Even a simple thing like putting on a bra under my clothes made me feel more like myself than I had all morning.

  “Come on, we’re not done yet,” Mama D said and my brows went up in surprise as I rushed to follow her. She led me to another bedroom and I knew as soon as I stepped in that it was hers. There was one full wall dedicated to pictures of Mama D and her husband, Ryan Spa
rks. There was another woman in some of them who appeared to be their age. Maybe a close friend or sibling?

  Mama D turned to face me before I could walk in much farther. “Will you please close your eyes? I want you to get the full picture once we’re done. I promise I won’t do anything that you can’t wash off.”

  I closed my eyes without a word, trusting her expertise and she led me towards the dresser I’d seen in the corner when I walked in. I opened my eyes once I was seated and realized that she’d positioned me so the mirror was behind me.

  “Okay, what I’m going to do first is dry your hair and then style it, okay?”

  I nodded and she got to work, picking up a hair dryer from the dresser behind me. As she worked on my hair, I wondered what Brady would think. He always encouraged me to be myself, so he wouldn’t mind, right? Would he still want to hold me, to kiss me when I was like this? I didn’t want to believe that he wouldn’t, but it was a possibility, right? But then…I’d been wearing this exact outfit the first time Brady kissed me, so maybe he would like it this time around too?

  Mama D turned off the hair dryer and the sudden silence pulled me out of my thoughts. She ran her fingers through my now dry hair and smiled at me. “You’ve got such silky hair. It’s going to be a breeze to style.”

  I smiled at her in thanks, reaching up to touch a strand. I’d always loved my hair, and keeping it long had made me feel better even before I understood exactly why I felt the way I did. My hair had always been the one part of my body that had been exactly the way I wanted it to be.

  As she ran her fingers through it, braiding it this way and that, she spoke, “My best friend, Monica-” she waved to the picture I’d been examining when we came in “-used to do this for me, back before I’d gotten my treatments and surgeries. Me, Monica and Ryan, we’d been friends since we were kids. They’d supported me immediately when I came out and the next weekend when my parents had been out of town, Monica showed up with a bunch of her clothes and a makeup bag. She sat me down and did a whole makeover on me. It had been such a monumental experience for me. It was the first time I’d truly felt like myself.”

  I hadn’t even realized she was done with my hair until she stopped speaking and I felt the tip of the eyeliner against the edge of my eye. I stilled as she stroked it under my lids and at the base of my eyes in quick, precise swipes. She made it seem so easy when it had taken me hours to master. But then again, she had years of practice over me so I couldn’t really talk.

  She uncapped a light pink lipstick before tilting my chin up and applying it evenly on my bottom lip. “Pout a bit, sweetie.” I followed her instructions and she repeated the move on my upper lip. Smiling, she pulled back before looking me over with narrowed eyes.

  “Alright, we’re done. Stand up, sweetheart.” I did as I was told and she touched my arm lightly, motioning me to turn around.

  I gasped as soon as I saw myself in the mirror. My hair was braided around one side of my face, winged eyeliner framing my blue eyes. My lips looked soft and were the pinkest I’d ever seen. My eyes trailed downward, snagging at my full chest for a second before continuing on to my smooth legs that peeked out of the slit. I pulled my eyes away so I could take in the full picture again. I could see it, my inside matching my outside. What I’d been looking for since I woke up this morning. I looked exactly as I was supposed to and I was beautiful.

  I took a deep breath to stave off the happy tears because I did not want to ruin my makeup before turning around and hugging Mama D. Hard. My skin didn’t itch anymore and it was only now that I could breathe easier that I realized how much harder it had been before.

  “Thank you so much,” I whispered. I knew it wasn’t enough for what she’d done for me, but it was the only thing I had to offer.

  Before she could reply, the doorbell rang and she pulled away with a smile. “That would be your boyfriend. Let me go get the door.”

  Oh my god, Brady was here? What would he think of me? I took a deep breath and followed her, my heart thundering in my chest wildly as I readied myself for Brady’s reaction.

  18 | Brady

  I grinned as soon as Mama D opened the door. I was kinda worried about Charlie but I was glad they had sought out Mama D instead of staying at home. I’d hoped I’d be there for them on their more feminine days, at least for the first time, but Mama D had probably been able to help them much better than I ever could have.

  “Is Charlie here?” I asked and she gave me a bright smile. “Oh, is she ever! Come on in.”

  I noted the pronoun as I stepped in and a frisson of excitement rushed through me. I was so looking forward to the makeover Mama D had given Charlie. She’d texted me what was up an hour ago, telling me to come over as soon as I was done. I was hoping whatever Mama D had done had helped Charlie and she was feeling more like herself.

  I followed Mama D into the living room and looked around, frowning when I didn’t spot Charlie. Where was she? “Charlie?” I called out, looking at Mama D with a raised brow. She gave me a shrug and I was just about to turn and go looking when I heard Charlie clear her throat behind me. I turned around and my mouth fell open when I saw her.

  Charlie looked so different from what she’d looked like last night and yet she was just as gorgeous as ever. Her hair and minimal make-up and the lack of facial hair had transformed her face from ruggedly handsome to enchantingly beautiful. She wore the dress I’d picked for her when we’d gone shopping that very first time and she looked absolutely stunning.

  It was then that I realized that I’d been staring at her for quite some time and I’d obviously made her uncomfortable because she wasn’t looking at me. Shit. Why did I keep doing that?

  “Charlie?” I said softly, waiting for her to look at me. When she did, I moved closer to her until we were toe to toe and gazed up at her. With a light touch, I traced her braid, trailing my fingers down her cheeks. Her eyes widened slightly, those baby blues of hers bright as they met mine. I met her eyes and I hoped she could see all the emotions I was feeling, the joy, the adoration, the love I felt for her. “Can I kiss you?”

  Impossibly, her eyes widened further and her mouth fell open slightly in a silent gasp as she nodded and I leaned upwards, claiming those plush, pink lips and plunging my tongue into her mouth. I tasted the familiar sweetness of her as my tongue explored her mouth, gripping her waist with my left hand while my right ran over her back. I lost myself in her like I always did, holding on to her as the heat between us built up to a crescendo. I wasn’t sure if she was okay with more and just as the thought popped into my head, I remembered where I was and pulled away, panting as I tried to get some oxygen into my lungs. Charlie wasn’t faring much better and the sight of her kiss swollen lips made me bite back a groan.

  I looked around and glared at Mama D as I spotted her sitting on the couch and grinning at us like the Cheshire cat she was. Charlie followed my gaze and her face flushed a deep red as she realized we’d been watched.

  “I swear I was going to leave but you two are just too damn adorable,” Mama D said and I rolled my eyes at her. Mama D may be the best mother anyone could ask for, but she was also the worst when it came to things like this. I couldn’t imagine what would’ve happened if she actually had a kid of her own.

  I shook my head at her meddling ways and was just about to say something decidedly snarky when Charlie’s stomach growled. Loudly. The flush that had almost disappeared rushed up her cheeks with a vengeance and she gave me a sheepish smile. “Sorry, I forgot to eat breakfast.”

  “How about we go and have brunch somewhere? My treat?” Charlie’s brow furrowed as she bit her lip and looked down. It took me a moment to realize she wasn’t comfortable with the idea and I could have kicked myself. She was exploring her femme side for the first time, what was I thinking asking her to go out?

  “Or better yet, how about we go back to yours and cook something together?” I offered and her face lit up with a smile. I sighed in relief as I extend
ed my hand to hers. Waving a goodbye to Mama D, I led my beautiful girlfriend out of her house, promising myself to make sure she had the best day ever.

  The moment we stepped into Charlie’s place, I pulled her into a tight hug as Cherry danced around our feet, excited to have us back home. I’d dropped her off here before heading to Mama D’s so I could spend the whole day with Charlie without worrying about having to leave.

  “I’m so fucking proud of you, princess,” I said, the endearment slipping out of my mouth with no input from my brain.

  Charlie pulled away to look at me, though her arms stayed firmly wrapped around me. “Princess?”

  The soft smile told me she liked the nickname so I ran with it, glad I hadn’t messed up yet again. “Yep. Now, before I forget!” I pulled my phone out of my pocket and quickly turned on the selfie camera. For the past few months, I’d made it my mission to log every one of Charlie’s outfits into pictures. I wasn’t really sure what I would do with them, but I felt like it was important to log her journey in a way that we could look back on.

  “Smile for me, princess,” I said and wow. Did she ever smile. If I hadn’t already known I was in love with her, I’d know now.

  “Hey, you wanna see something beautiful?” I asked as we made our way to the kitchen area. I hadn’t forgotten the growl Charlie’s stomach had made and I intended to feed her.

  Charlie looked at me with a raised brow, completely oblivious to what I was talking about. So I held up the phone—which was still open on the selfie camera app—and turned it so it was facing her.

  I watched as red seeped up her cheeks and she shot me a mock glare, shaking her head. “I wish you would stop sometimes.”

  “Only when you stop being so irresistibly adorable.”

  Charlie blushed harder so I moved in until I was pressed right up against her and whispered in her ear, “So. Damn. Adorable.”