Finding Me

by Stella Rainbow

  Before she could react, I slid away from her and started getting things out of the pantry. Over the past few months—thanks to Charlie—I’d gotten pretty good at cooking. Some days, I could even help Charlie out at the café though that usually entailed just prep work.

  We chatted aimlessly as we cooked and I wondered what it would be like if we could do this everyday. Wake up together, work together, come back home together. Live together.

  I knew it had been just six months since I met Charlie, but the last six months had been the absolute best of my life. I couldn’t deny that Charlie was perfect for me in every sense of the word and though I had yet to admit it to her, I couldn’t deny that I was very much in love with her.

  I wasn’t really sure why I couldn’t bring myself to tell her I loved her. Was it because I wasn’t sure she felt the same? Or was it because I wasn’t used to talking about things like love and feelings?

  My parents—though rational and highly intelligent people—weren’t the most tactile or expressive people on the planet. If you saw the three of us together, you’d never guess I was their son, even though I had my dad’s eyes and my mom’s hair and stature. They loved me, I knew they did, but they’d never really said the words or expressed their love in any of the common ways. No hugs, no shoulder pats, no cheek kisses.

  The last time I’d met them was when I’d told them that I was keeping Bean Yourself. They’d been disappointed with my decision, since they'd wanted me to follow in their footsteps and do something with my degree in psychology.

  Now, other than a call on Christmas, we barely ever talked. They didn't even remember to wish me on my birthdays. I didn’t mind, not really, but sometimes I wished they’d done something to show me that they loved me. That they cared.

  Was that why I couldn’t say it, then? Because I didn’t know how to?

  I shook off the thoughts with a sigh. I’d think about it later. Or better yet, I’d gather up the courage to finally confess to Charlie what I felt for her. Soon.

  After a hearty late-lunch of mashed potatoes, chicken and leftover pasta, we settled ourselves on the couch and watched a movie as Cherry splayed herself across our laps like she’d made a habit of doing, belly-up and demanding pets. We petted her tiny belly as we watched and I smiled every time Charlie’s fingers somehow ended up tangled with mine.

  Since meeting Charlie, I’d read up a lot more on gender identity and dysphoria, and everything I’d read told me this was all she would probably want for now, cuddling together, maybe a bit of kissing and honestly, that sounded as heavenly as making love to Charlie did.

  As the credits started rolling, Charlie turned to look down at me with a slight frown marring her beautiful face. “Brady, can I ask you something? Will you promise to answer honestly?”

  I gave her a puzzled look even as I nodded and she blew out a breath and squared her shoulders as she asked, “Do you like me…like this? Find me attractive, I mean.” She looked so unsure, so…insecure at the moment and I couldn’t believe this topic hadn’t come up in conversation before.

  I sat up on my knees and took her face in my palms. Leaning up, I pressed a soft kiss on her lips before pulling back to look into her big, baby blues. “Charlie, I can’t believe this hasn’t come up before, but yes, of course I find you attractive like this. You’re gorgeous, no matter what you wear or what your gender is. I told you I’m pansexual, right? Gender doesn’t matter to me, I fall in love with a person’s heart, their personality. And you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever come across. You’re kind, sweet, gentle and so caring. Of course I love you.”

  Charlie gasped softly and it took me a minute to realize what I’d said. Okay, so I was confessing now. Thanks for the heads-up, brain!

  I gave Charlie a soft smile and shrugged. “I love you, Charlie De Luca. I’ve known it for a while and this wasn’t how I planned to tell you. Well, technically I hadn’t had a plan yet, but now you know.”

  “I…” Charlie started and I could see it in her eyes that she wasn’t there yet. I didn’t want her to say anything she didn’t want to. I was willing to wait. I'd waited years to find her, my other half and I was completely okay with waiting another few for her to fall in love with me.

  “I didn’t say I love you to hear it back. I would’ve used one of those cat apps if that’s what I wanted. I said it to make sure you know. I want you to know that you mean the world to me, alright?”

  Charlie nodded before leaning forward and kissing me. I sighed into the kiss, soaking up her warmth and hoping that someday—hopefully soon, but as I said, I was all too ready to wait as long as she needed—she would feel the same about me.

  “Let’s head to bed, shall we?” I asked as I pulled back and Charlie gave me a small, hopeful smile.

  “You’re staying the night?”

  I nodded, but then added in case she wanted some alone time, “But only if you want me to.”

  Charlie gave me a look that I translated to ‘Don’t be an idiot’ and I grinned as I stood up. I turned off the TV and we headed into the bedroom. Charlie was still dressed in the clothes she’d worn at Mama D’s and I wore my work clothes too. I had a bunch of clothes at Charlie’s place, so I figured I’d find something to wear. Charlie on the other hand, looked unsure and I realized she wouldn’t be able to sleep with the bra on, which meant she probably didn’t want to sleep shirtless like she usually did.

  Since she didn’t seem to know what to do, I took initiative and rummaged through her closet until I found a few hoodies in the bag that were too big to be hers. I wondered whose they were even as I pulled one of them out and grabbed a pair of pajama pants before turning to her.

  “How about you get changed and then we can cuddle in bed, yeah?” I handed her the clothes without another word and the grateful look in her eyes made me lean up and kiss her jaw. She gave me a soft smile before turning around and walking into the bathroom to change. I wished I could help her feel more comfortable but I knew I was doing everything I could practically. I still hated that she had to hurt like that.

  I shook my head and my eyes snagged on the duffel bag Charlie had brought with her. I grabbed it and threw the jeans in the laundry basket before I came upon another hoodie. It was so soft and comfy that I couldn’t help rubbing the fabric against my cheek. It smelled like the fruity body wash I’d bought for Charlie and like her.

  Decision made, I slipped out of my clothes and donned the hoodie, chuckling when it fell just above my knees. Making sure Cherry had enough water and food, I slid into the bed and waited for Charlie to come out.

  The bathroom door opened after a few minutes and Charlie stepped out. Her make-up had been washed off, her hair hung open, the curls framing her face. Her body was swamped in the over large hoodie and I could see that it helped. Thank god for that.

  “Hey princess, ready for bed?”

  Charlie looked up at me, a smile on her face that quickly turned into a grin as she looked me over, “What are you wearing?”

  I shrugged, pushing the sleeves behind my wrist so I could extend my hand to her. “It was comfy and smelled like you.”

  Charlie scrambled onto the bed with a grin and snuggled in beside me. I sighed softly, my fingers sinking into her hair and playing with the curls as we lay in a comfortable silence. I loved Charlie’s hair. It was so soft and the curls were all bouncy and adorable.

  “Are you okay?” I asked her after a few minutes.

  “I think so,” she said in a low whisper and I looked up at her, meeting her deep blue eyes as she continued, “I mean, this is the first time I got to present the way I felt. Before, I’d just bury myself in blankets and tell everyone I was sick. It was awful. I still feel itchy and slightly wrong, I guess, but this helps. Today helped a lot. And you help a lot. Thank you so much. I’m not ready to say the words yet, but I care about you a lot, Brady. You’re the best thing in my life.”

  I smiled up at her and pressed a kiss on her collarbone because I didn’
t want to pull away from her. Meeting her eyes again, I let her see all the love in mine as I said, “You’re the best thing in my life too.”

  Cherry woofed from her dog bed in the other room and I chuckled. “Yes, Cherry. You’re the best thing in my life, too. Don’t be jealous, sweet girl.”

  Charlie laughed as she squeezed me to her and I sighed in contentment as I sank into her warm embrace. I was pretty sure this was exactly what heaven felt like.

  “The hoodies we’re wearing? They’re my brother’s. I swiped them before I came here,” Charlie admitted after a few minutes of silence, her voice soft as she buried her face in my hair.

  “Damn, how big is he?”

  Charlie chuckled in my hair as she spoke, “Pretty big. He’s a cuddly bear, more than anything.”

  I smiled at the thought. The love Charlie had for her brother was clear in her voice and it prompted me to ask, “Have you told him yet?”

  Charlie sighed wearily before pulling her face away so she could look at me. “No, I haven’t. I’m scared, Brady. He’s the only family I have left. I don’t want to lose him. I love him too much.”

  “I understand, sweetheart. And I’ll support you regardless but you should know that he’s not the only family you have now. Mama D, Luke, Scott, Angie and me, we’re all your family too. You’ll never, ever be alone again. I promise.”

  Charlie’s eyes flooded with tears and she buried her face in my hair again. I could feel the fine tremors running through her body, so I pulled her closer, whispering comforting words as I rubbed her back.

  “Thank you. I will tell him soon, I promise.”

  In the end, it didn’t matter at all and it was all my fault.

  19 | Charlie

  Two weeks later, I was back to feeling like I was somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum. The last two weeks had been different, for sure, but so much better than all the times before. I’d even managed to go out with Brady, even though it had just been to Voice Out. It was still such a big step for me and I couldn’t help feel proud of myself for the achievement.

  Just when I’d thought things between me and Brady couldn’t get better, he’d told me he loved me. I still had a hard time believing that. Brady was so bright, so beautiful and I was boring and nothing like him in comparison. And yet, he loved me. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe him—I could see the love and care clear as day in his eyes every time I looked at him—it was just that it was difficult for me to believe that someone could really love me, me with my fluid gender and all the complications it entailed. But then again, wasn’t it what had brought us together in the first place? Would I have even met Brady or caught his attention if I’d been just another normal man or woman?

  I wanted to tell Brady that I loved him, because I did. But, I didn’t want to just blurt it out to him—even though I’d loved it when he’d done the same. I wanted to do it sometime special, but I couldn’t figure out when.

  I focused on getting the last of the dishes served as I thought about what I could make for dinner tonight. Maybe some of Brady’s favorite Spaghetti Carbonara? I tried to remember if I had all the necessary ingredients for it and groaned when I realized that I didn,t. Something else, then.

  Someone bumped into me, almost spilling the food I’d been serving and I looked up with a glare, realizing it was one of the part-time Baristas. I believed his name was Dane.

  He rolled his eyes at me and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who heard his loud mumble of “Fucking fairy,” as he walked past. I bit my lip as I set the plate on the counter, wondering what I was supposed to do now. I’d known there would be people like him in the world but I’d never expected them here, at a place that was supposed to be safe. Hadn’t Brady told me he only hired people from Voice Out? There was no way this man belonged to the community. So how had he ended up here?

  “That asshole!” Honey, one of the bakers swore before pulling out his phone. He dialed someone and my brows shot up when I realized who he was calling.

  “Yo, bossman. You gave Dane his last strike already, right?”

  Honey nodded at whatever Brady said before shooting me a smile and a wink.

  “Well, guess what? He overstayed his welcome. You might wanna kick him out now. I don’t think Kase will mind when you tell her what he did.”

  Whatever Brady said had Honey shaking his head, “I’ll tell you once you’re here. Are you upstairs? Yeah, okay.”

  Honey ended the call before giving me a thumbs up, “Don’t worry, Charlie. We never tolerate any kind of hate here. The only reason that bastard got a job is Brady’s love for Kasey. He’d already been planning on firing the man, so it’s no big deal, okay?”

  I nodded, kinda stumped at how quickly everything had happened and turned back to my work station.

  Fifteen minutes later, I was almost done with my shift when Brady walked in. “Alright, Dane’s out. Remind me to put in a notice for another barista at Voice Out. And kick me if I ever try to hire someone like him again.”

  Sarah, a petite woman who made the best cupcakes laughed as she gave Brady a peck on the cheek, “Don’t worry, sweetie. It wasn’t your fault.”

  Brady shot her a smile before his eyes fell on me and his smile widened as he walked towards me. “So, what did Dane do, exactly? I just fired him because you told me to, Honey.”

  I smiled at his trust in his employees and at their trust in him to know that he would always look out for them and do what’s best for them.

  “Er…he…well…” Honey stuttered and I waved him off as I turned to Brady.

  “He called me a fucking fairy,” I told him with a shrug. Yes, it had hurt. But I also knew it said more about Dane than it did about me.

  Brady’s eyes narrowed and I could almost see the anger wafting off of him as I pulled him closer. He was tense, his muscles all bunched up as he tried to control his anger. I rubbed his back in an attempt to calm him as I spoke, “Don’t worry, babe. I know better than to listen to his bullshit and so do you, right?”

  Slowly, Brady melted in my arms and I pulled him closer, breathing in his familiar, fruity scent. I knew I was all oily and sweaty, but I couldn’t stop myself from giving him a tight hug. I pulled away reluctantly and his smile told me he knew that.

  “I’ll be at yours in thirty minutes or so?” Brady offered and I smiled.

  “I’ll take Cherry with me.”

  “Perfect.”

  My phone started buzzing just as I stepped out into the living room after a refreshing shower and I smiled when I saw my brother’s name on the screen, even as my heart stuttered with the usual panic. I wanted to tell him everything but I just couldn’t get the words out. I picked up the call as I walked into the kitchen, Cherry trailing after me with her head held high and her tongue lolling sideways out of her mouth. “Hey brother, it’s been a while.”

  “Charles, what is this on your Facebook?” Lawrence asked me without preamble and I cringed at the name. It had been so long since someone had called me that and I couldn’t believe how wrong it felt now. How had I managed to keep that name for thirty years?

  “What are you talking about?” I asked, trying to ignore how much the use of my dead name had affected me.

  “The pictures on your Facebook, Charles! What kind of clothes are you wearing?” Lawrence sounded horrified and even as I realized what he was talking about, the disgust in his voice dug into me like a knife. I’d been right to be afraid to come out to him, it seemed.

  I steeled myself for whatever horrible things he’d say next as I spoke, “That-this is the real me, Law. I’m genderfluid. I never told anyone because I was scared of losing you and dad but I couldn’t hide anymore.”

  “Who is that man with you? Is he the one who pulled you into this shit?” he demanded, his voice hard and I closed my eyes as I leaned against the doorway.

  “No, he is…my boyfriend.”

  “Boyfriend?” The word was shouted so loudly that I had to pull the phone away
from my ear. This was going horribly.

  “Yes, he’s my boyfriend.”

  “And you want me to be okay with this? With my brother being…whatever it is you said and having a boyfriend?”

  “Yes, I hope so, at least. I don’t want to lose you.” I whispered, my throat clogging up because I knew, I could feel it, what he was about to say.

  “Well, then maybe you should’ve thought of that before you decided leave me alone here just so you could dress like a fucking sissy.”

  I held the phone to my ear long after I’d heard the beep that said Lawrence had ended the call. Even though I’d expected it, it still hurt. It felt as if a part of me had been ripped out of my chest and trampled on. My brother had been the one bright spot in my life for most of my childhood, the one person I’d always been able to care for, the one person who was never supposed to leave me. And now, just like that, he was gone. It had taken me trying to be true to myself to break a twenty-five years old relationship. Had I really meant so little to him that he could decide to forget me so easily?

  I sank to my knees right there in the kitchen doorway, my back slumping against it as I pulled my arms around my knees and hugged myself. Why did I have to be so different? If I were normal, I’d still have my brother.

  I thought about all the times I’d spent with my brother, caring for him, cooking for him, singing him to sleep. All of it, gone. Gone because I’d finally dared to be myself. Gone because I gave my happiness more importance than my brother’s for the first time in my life. Gone because I’d dared to fall in love.

  Gone because of who I was.

  And who was I, anyway? A broken human who couldn’t make a decision? Who couldn’t decide what gender they were? A sob burst out of my mouth and then I couldn’t stop. I shuddered as sobs wracked through me, burning my chest as they went. I cried and cried and I couldn’t stop because it hurt too much. It hurt that I’d meant so less to Law when he’d meant everything to me. It hurt that I was so easily disposable to him, that I didn’t matter to him when he had been everything good in my life for so long.