by TJ Klune
Raven.
There should have been a raven.
Sitting on the roses.
But it was gone.
What was left was scar tissue, and though it looked as if it were long since healed, it was still white and lumpy, the skin knotted.
“Yeah,” he said, following my gaze. “Long story. Don’t worry about it right now.” He pressed his stump against my thigh, and the roses began to bloom. They rolled through my leg and into my stomach and chest. It was warm and sweet and safe.
He sighed and shook his head. “He’s not…. We got to him in time. He isn’t my father’s. He doesn’t have a hold over Carter.”
Joe nodded. “I thought as much. I tried to repair the bonds as best I could.”
“It’ll be better once we get him back to Green Creek,” Gordo said as he stood. His knees popped. “Getting too old for this crap.” He put his hand on the back of my neck, pressing my face against his stomach. I clutched at his hips, breathing heavily. “Yeah, yeah. Good to see you too. We’re going to have a long talk. You’re up to your neck in shit, man.” He stepped away, wiping his eyes. “Fucking werewolves. You self-sacrificing assholes.” He jerked his head toward the door. “Joe. Outside.”
And then he exited the cabin without looking back.
Joe hesitated before looking to Kelly, who stood at the window looking out. “Won’t be long.”
“It’s fine,” Kelly said stiffly. “I’ll keep an eye on him. Let them know.”
I thought Joe was going to argue, but he didn’t. He said, “Go easy, all right? We don’t…. Just go easy.”
Kelly didn’t speak.
Joe kissed my forehead. “We’re gonna have so many words,” he said. “You have no idea the hurt you’re in for. And you’re gonna take it with a smile on your face.” He followed Gordo out of the cabin, closing the door behind him.
Silence fell.
I looked to Kelly.
His back was to me.
I wanted to go to him.
I didn’t move.
He said, “You found him,” and it was tight, the words strained. “Gavin.”
“He’s… yeah. I did.”
“Where is he?”
“I don’t know. With Livingstone the last time I saw him. I barely got away.”
“What happened?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Carter.”
I looked down at my lap. I could feel him. His anger. His hurt. It was bright and harsh, but it was real, and I didn’t know how to handle it. Not-Kelly had been a void. A black hole sucking in light. This Kelly, the real one, felt like a galaxy of stars.
“Did he hurt you?”
I winced. “Gavin didn’t. It was Livingstone.”
“What did he do?”
I didn’t want to say it. I wanted to keep it locked away. I said, “He broke my back.”
Kelly made a wounded noise, leaning forward, pressing his forehead against the frosted glass. “Jesus Christ.”
“I healed.”
“You healed,” he spat. “Oh, thank god for that.”
“I had to, Kelly. I had to help him. I don’t know what Livingstone was doing, but he was hurting Gavin. It was like he was feeding off him somehow.”
“How long have you been here?”
I didn’t know. “What day is it?”
Kelly said, “Thursday.”
“The date.”
I could hear him grinding his teeth. “December 9.”
Fuck. I didn’t know so much time had passed. “A few weeks, then.”
He smelled like he was burning. “And you didn’t think to get a hold of us? To let us know you’d found him? To even give us some idea you were still alive?”
“Phone broke.”
“Oh,” he said, and it was mocking. “Burner, right? Because you left your other phone in your room. Wanna know how I know that? Because I called it. After watching your fucking video, after screaming for you outside the house, I called it. I should have known. I really should have. It would have been too easy to track you otherwise. But when I heard it ringing from in the house, I almost let myself believe you were still there. That even though I couldn’t hear you, you were in the house and you were going to pick up the phone.”
“I….”
“But you didn’t,” he said. “Because you were already gone. Like we hadn’t just spent a year trying to get Robbie back. Like you hadn’t witnessed just how much that destroyed me. No. Of course not. Because you got it in your head that you needed to go chasing after Gavin like he was the only thing that mattered.”
“I didn’t—”
He spun around. His eyes were orange. The thread between us, familiar and foreign all at the same time, thrummed as if plucked. “You want me to yell at you? You want me to scream at you? Fine. You asked for it. How could you? After everything we’ve been through, after everything that has been taken away from us, how the fuck could you?” He stalked over to me. I reached for him, but he knocked my hands away. His voice rose. “I asked you to trust me. I begged you to listen to me. That we would do all that we could to find him. That I wouldn’t let this go. I wouldn’t let him go. I told you to hold on to me as tightly as you could. And you walked away like it was nothing.”
“No. No, it wasn’t like that, it wasn’t like that—”
“You didn’t trust me enough,” he said coldly. “You didn’t believe me when I said I’d do anything to help you.”
“You don’t understand.”
He laughed bitterly. “I don’t understand? That’s what you’re going with? Fuck you, Carter. I understood better than anyone. Robbie was taken from us. Taken from me. For thirteen months, I did all I could to get him back. And even when half the pack was against it or, even worse, apathetic about it, I fought for him.”
I couldn’t look at him. I struggled to find the words. I said, “You weren’t alone. Gordo, Ox. They—”
“I don’t care!” he shouted at me. “Even if I was, I still would have done everything I could. I was never going to let him go. He’s my fucking mate, and I would have torn this world apart to get to him, even if I had to do it by myself. And don’t you dare try and say that’s what you were doing here because it’s not the same. You had your entire pack willing to help you, to do anything we could to get Gavin back. But you decided to play martyr. Like Dad. Like Ox. Like Joe. Jesus Christ, you were supposed to be better. You were supposed to—”
I stood. His chest bumped into mine. He didn’t look away. He wasn’t scared of me. He wasn’t intimidated. “You don’t know what I’ve been through.”
“Damn right I don’t,” he snarled. He shoved me, and I took a stumbling step back. “Because you got it into that fucking thick skull of yours that you had to do this on your own. Let me guess. You convinced yourself that it was better this way. Easier. That no one else would get hurt if you could find him on your own.”
He wasn’t wrong. Those days following the battle in Caswell were a haze. I felt like I was disappearing, fading into the background.
Kelly shook his head like he was disgusted. “We always try to have one fucking minute where we can breathe without worrying about what is coming next. Monsters. Hunters. Feral wolves. I never thought I’d have to face you abandoning our pack. Abandoning me.”
I reached for him again. He wouldn’t look at me. “Kelly, I need you. I love you.”
His eyes were wet when he said, “You promised. You promised it would always be you and me. You promised.”
And I said, “I know, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry—”
He punched me in the mouth. I didn’t see it coming. His fist smashed just below my nose, and my lip split as I stepped back, my knees hitting the edge of the bed. He looked shocked by what he’d done. I wiped the blood from my mouth with the back of my hand. It was bright red, a smear that looked like our mother’s paint.
His eyes were wide.
He was panting.
The skin on his kn
uckles was split. They healed slowly.
He said, “I love you so much I can barely breathe. You were always supposed to be there for me. Like I always tried to be there for you. How could you leave me?” His face crumpled, and I thought I was dying. “Didn’t you know what it would do to me?”
I grabbed his hand. He tried to pull away again, but it was halfhearted. He sounded like he was choking, his shoulders hunched up near his ears. He bowed his head against my chest, and I held on for dear life. His fingers tightened against my own, and it was a tether, an anchor, holding me down, keeping me from drifting away.
I said, “I never wanted to be away from you.”
He said, “You left, you left, you left.”
I said, “You were always with me. No matter where I went, you were there.”
He said, “Ah, god, please.”
I said, “I howled for you. Every moon. Just like I said I would. I sang, Kelly. I sang for you because I needed you to hear me.”
He said, “I found you. I found you.”
I said, “I’m sorry. I should have believed in you more. I should have trusted you more. I should have—” But whatever else I could have said was lost when he hugged me, when he wrapped himself around me like he was never going to let me go. He sobbed against my neck, and I swallowed thickly, eyes burning.
“I’m so angry with you,” he whispered. “And I don’t know how to stop.”
“I know,” I whispered back. “And I don’t know how to make you stop.”
“Don’t. Don’t take this away from me too. Let me have it. It’s mine.”
The door opened.
I looked over Kelly’s shoulder.
Joe was there, watching the two of us, a strange look on his face.
“He’s coming.”
wolf brain/without you
Gordo stood near the tree line, arms crossed. He was muttering to himself, eyes slightly vacant. His tattoos were glowing, but it was different than it used to be. The feel of his magic washed over me, but it was quieter. More focused. He brushed his fingers over the scar tissue where the raven used to be. He heard us coming out of the cabin and shook his head. “It’s not going to last long. If we do this, we have to be quick.”
Joe stepped next to him, laying a hand on his shoulder. “We will be.”
“Did you get ahold of the others?” Kelly asked.
“Yeah. Ox knows.” He glanced back at me before looking into the woods again. “He’ll call the others back.”
“Others?” I asked.
“Yeah, others,” Kelly said. His voice was flat. “Out looking for you like we’ve been for the past year. We got lucky and found you first. And wipe your mouth. You’ve still got blood on it.”
“Do I want to know?” Gordo asked.
“I punched him in the face for being a fucking idiot.”
“Yep. Didn’t want to know.” He rubbed his hand over his face. “He’s almost here. Carter, it’s probably best if he sees you first. He’s going to be able to smell the rest of us the closer he gets. Is he going to run?”
“I don’t know,” I muttered. “He’s kind of a dick.”
Gordo snorted. “Yeah, I’m not surprised.” He hesitated. Then, “Is he… is he loyal? To my father?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think so. Whatever Livingstone is doing to him, it’s hurting him. I only saw it for a moment. It was like he was feeding off him.”
“Is that when he broke your back?” Kelly asked, a nasty curl to his words.
Gordo turned to look at me, eyes wide. Joe didn’t. He’d heard.
Fuck. “Yeah. That’s… that’s when he did that.”
“I’m also gonna punch you in the mouth,” Joe said without looking at me.
“Get in line,” Kelly grumbled. “I want another turn.”
“Children, that’s enough,” Gordo said. He took a step back, gaze still trained on the woods. “He’s almost here. Joe, Kelly, move away. He needs to see Carter first. We don’t know how he’ll react with the rest of us here. Especially if he’s feral. If he shifted back after Caswell, he might not even recognize us.”
“He knows,” I said quietly. “He’s been human here with me. He saved me from hunters. Bullet to the leg.”
They all stared at me again.
I really needed to learn to keep my mouth shut.
“Yeah,” Joe said, shaking his head. “I’m definitely going to punch you later. Just so you know.”
They stood behind me, leaving a few feet between us. The fog in my head was clearing. I felt present, more so than I’d been in a long time. They were angry. Their anger was alive and biting. But they were here. They had my back. They weren’t going to let me go again.
I could breathe.
I felt him in the woods. It was faint, but there all the same. I wondered if it had always been there. If I’d just been too lost in my own head to recognize it. It was thrumming, a low beat without words. It was like the moon.
I heard him in the snow. His quick breaths. He was hurt. Not physically, though he seemed weak. I didn’t think Livingstone was trying to kill him. He wouldn’t do that.
He growled.
He knew someone was here with me.
“Gavin,” I called, though I couldn’t see him yet. He blended in with the trees and the snow. “It’s okay. No one is here to hurt you. I promise.”
He was confused. Scared. Angry. It ran warm like a low fever. I thought he would turn and run. He didn’t. He paused somewhere just out of sight, and I heard him whine.
“What’s wrong with him?” Joe whispered. His eyes were red.
“What is it?” Gordo asked.
Joe said, “I don’t know. I haven’t felt anything like it before. It’s twisted. He’s….”
I took a step toward the trees. “Gavin. Come on, man. You know them. Okay? It’s Joe. Kelly. And Gordo.”
A wolf snarled.
Gordo rolled his eyes. “We can just leave you here. Take Carter with us and—”
Gavin burst out from the tree line, his fangs bared, hackles raised. His tail jutted out in a straight line, his head lowered toward the ground. His eyes were violet, and he snapped a warning at us.
I raised my hands. “We’re not going to hurt you. I swear. Gavin, look at me.”
His gaze darted behind me, tracking their movements.
“Jesus,” Kelly breathed. “I forgot how big he was.”
Joe snorted. “Don’t let Robbie hear you say that. Might get jealous.”
“What? Oh, fuck you, Joe, that’s not what I—look out!”
Gavin darted forward. He closed his jaws around my wrist. I winced at the pressure from his teeth, but he didn’t break the skin. He jerked his head back, tugging me away. I tried to hold my ground, but he dug into the snow. I stumbled forward as he let me go, standing in front of me, putting himself between me and the others. He backed up slowly, crowding against me, pushing me toward the trees.
“Well,” Gordo said. “We tried. Sorry, Carter. Looks like you’ll have to stay here.”
I smacked Gavin on the back of the head. He turned to look at me, eyes narrowing. “Knock it off. They’re not going to hurt me.” His nostrils flared, and he pressed his snout against my hand. I looked down to see the smear of blood. “Okay. I can explain that.”
“I punched him in the face,” Kelly said. “And I’m going to do it again.”
Gavin didn’t like that. His ears flattened as he fucking hissed at Kelly, a sound I’d never heard from a wolf before. I tried to walk around him, but he wouldn’t let me.
“This is going well,” Gordo said.
“Not helping,” Joe said, pushing by him. My little brother kept his hands up, palms toward us. Gavin had pushed us almost to the tree line. His tail twitched, the tip brushing against my hip. “Gavin. Look at me.”
Gavin did.
Joe nodded. He was being cautious, eyes only for the wolf. “That’s right. Hey. I know you didn’t expect us to be here. And I don’
t even know if you understand me right now. But I need you to know that no one is going to take Carter from you. No one is going to hurt either of you. You have my word as an Alpha.”
Gavin whined, shoulders stiff.
“Yeah,” Joe said, taking another step. “I promise. You know me. You do. Somewhere inside that wolf brain of yours, you know me. Not only as an Alpha. But as Carter’s brother. I would never let anything happen to him. Or to you. You’re important, okay? And not just to Carter. To me too. You’re with me.” He tapped his chest. “Here. You’re my pack. You have been for a long time. And I’m sorry we didn’t see it for what it was. We should have done better. We should have done more. For you. For Carter.”
Gavin relaxed incrementally. I thought Joe was getting through to him.
It was a lie.
Kelly shouted in warning as Gavin launched himself at Joe, snow kicking up around him in a cloud of ice. He was quick, but Joe was quicker. He took two running steps toward us, then fell to the ground on his side, sliding through the snow. Gavin sailed over him, his teeth missing the top of Joe’s head by inches.
He landed roughly in the snow, paws slipping out from underneath him. He recovered quickly, whirling around as Joe stood in front of me.
“Gordo,” Joe snapped. “Now.”
Gordo raised his hand as his tattoos began to glow again.
I said, “Wait,” but it was already too late.
The air grew thicker, almost stifling. The hairs on my arms stood on end. Gordo’s magic felt bigger than it’d been before, unrestrained. Gavin snarled as his shift was ripped from him, the hair receding, his fangs receding into his gums. He grunted as he fell to his hands and knees, back rippling.
Gordo lowered his hand, looking weary.
I shoved by Joe and went to Gavin. I put my hand on his bare shoulder. “It’s okay,” I said, mouth near his ear. “They’re not going to hurt you. They want to help.”
“No,” Gavin said, the word sounding as if it’d been punched out of him. “No. No. Help. No. Help.”
“Yes help. Listen to me. You know them. Just like you know me. It’s Kelly. It’s Joe. It’s Gordo. Pack. They’re our pack.”
He raised his head, hair hanging down around his face. “Pack.”
