The Bucket List

by Douglas Black

  Why would anyone as sexy and confident and, frankly, fucking gorgeous as Blake ever want anything to do with me?

  “What do you want?” he asked finally, swallowing down tears before they could spill from his eyes.

  “Well, since you’ve been too busy living in fantasy land, I’ve taken all my stuff from the flat. Now I just need to see you so we can divide up the money in the accounts. Since I notice I’ve been the only one working this past month, you can bet your ass I’ll be taking everything in the everyday account. As for the savings…”

  “I can’t talk about this now,” Kade said.

  “Why? Is lover boy in the room?” Niall was laughing at him again.

  Kade felt about two feet tall, even though it was true. Blake was looking at him now. He could feel it, even if he didn’t want to look up to confirm. He could feel the warmth from those blue eyes on his skin, could feel the parts of his body respond to that warmth, despite the horrible phone call.

  “Tell me what you want from me,” Kade whispered.

  “I’ll be at the flat tonight. We’re going to discuss our finances so I can move on with my life. And you’re going to fucking be there or so help me God—”

  “Or so help you God you’ll what?”

  Blake was behind him on the bed now, and Kade didn’t know how he had gotten there. He hadn’t heard Blake move. He wanted to shrink away in case Blake overheard too much and found out the truth. “Look. I can’t talk right now. I’ll see you tonight.”

  “You better.”

  Kade disconnected the call. Blake shifted so he was sitting beside him. He didn’t say anything. For a long time, neither of them did. Eventually, Blake got to his feet.

  “Look… I know that’s got nothing to do with me, so I’m not even going to ask, but I am here to listen if you want to talk. Breakfast is ready, if you’re still hungry?”

  Kade looked up. Blake offered a hand to Kade, and he took it, glad to have Blake’s touch again. He was going to ask why he wouldn’t be hungry, but just before he did, he realized he already knew the answer.

  His good mood was gone, swept away by the hurricane that was Niall. He let Blake drag him over to the table. Blake had lightly fried some kippers and was serving them with egg-white omelets, spinach and tomatoes. It smelled divine. Kade sat down at the table and forced himself to eat, trying to hide his feelings.

  Blake made a show of not looking at him, but every so often Kade felt those eyes on him. A few times he looked up and caught Blake staring. Blake looked concerned.

  “Listen,” Kade said, not sure where to begin. “I know you probably heard some of that. I don’t want to talk about it, but I do need to go back to Glasgow tonight. Would you be able to drop me off at a train station or a bus stop or something? I don’t want you to have to drive the whole way there and back again.”

  Blake shrugged. “I don’t mind the drive. Should I assume that my invitation to join you has been lost in the post?”

  Kade sighed and pushed a piece of kipper around his plate. “It’s not that I don’t want you to come with me. It’s not even that I want to leave you, although I’m sure I’ve overstayed my welcome by now.”

  “Absolutely not true,” Blake said, interrupting him. He gestured for Kade to carry on.

  “It’s just that there’s something I have to deal with, and it wouldn’t really be appropriate for you to be there. But I have your number, and it’s the weekend tomorrow. Maybe we can pick up where we leave off?”

  “I don’t want us to leave off anywhere. I don’t think you do either.” Blake shrugged and cleared his plate. He topped up their glasses of orange juice before giving another shrug. Despite the feigned calmness, he looked tense. “Who was on the phone? They didn’t exactly sound pleased to hear from you.”

  Kade didn’t want to talk about it. He finished his kippers slowly before taking both their empty plates to the sink. He was going to have to say something, and it felt easier to talk to Blake about Niall and the mess Kade was going to have to deal with when he didn’t have to look Blake in the eye.

  “I told you I’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch lately.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, nearly a month ago I got dumped. I know that’s not a big deal. It happens every day and all that, but I’d been with this guy for nearly eight years, and…and it doesn’t matter, I suppose, but it came straight out of the blue and it’s taken me a little longer than it should have to deal with it all. I’ve not been myself since it happened.”

  Blake squeezed his arms around Kade’s waist. Kade flinched in surprise. He didn’t know how the man could do that, could walk without making a sound.

  “Is that why you keep putting yourself down so much?” Blake’s voice was quiet.

  Kade laughed. “No. No, that’s nothing new.”

  “If this guy dumped you—which makes him an idiot in my book—how come he’s on the phone shouting at you to come home?”

  Kade shook his head. It wasn’t like that, and although three weeks ago—two weeks ago even—he had wanted more than anything for the chance to be alone with Niall again. He’d wanted to talk to him and see if maybe they could work things out between them. Now there was nothing Kade wanted less. Even a nice bout of syphilis—the good type with all the madness and blackening skin—sounded more appealing than having to speak to Niall, especially after the way Niall had just spoken to him.

  “It’s not like that. He wants to meet to finish dividing up our stuff. There should just be our bank accounts to deal with, really. Apparently he’s already taken his stuff—or what he has decided is his stuff.”

  “While you’ve been here with me?”

  Kade nodded.

  “I’m sorry. You should have said something. I wondered why you were distant sometimes.”

  “Oh, no. No, I didn’t know he was doing it, not until this morning. I guess I’ve just had a lot on my mind.”

  “Shouldn’t you have been there if he wanted to divide up your stuff?”

  “I don’t know. I guess so? I didn’t expect him to come back to the flat at all, which I suppose is a pretty stupid way of looking at things if you think about it. When he walked out, it all felt so final that I just assumed… Anyway. I don’t really want to talk about it—or think about it, if that’s okay with you.”

  Blake nodded against his shoulder. “You want me to take your mind off it?”

  Kade laughed. He assumed that meant Blake was going to take him to bed—or at least to the sofa that Blake didn’t seem to use for sitting on, but instead, Blake went to the fire.

  The embers there were still hot. Blake scrunched up some newspaper and dropped it on top of them then added some sticks for kindling and a log. He stoked the embers back to life and began to rummage around in a trunk beside one of the bookcases. He produced a laptop that he set down on the floor before arranging pillows and cushions, dragging them into place. He gestured for Kade to come sit beside him.

  Blake messed around with his laptop for a while then turned it to face Kade. “Laurel and Hardy, Roscoe Arbuckle, Chaplin or Keaton?”

  Kade looked down and saw hundreds of video files, all with little black and white thumbnails.

  “Pick your poison,” Blake offered.

  “Silent comedy?” Kade asked.

  “You’re not allowed to knock it until you’ve tried it.”

  Kade laughed. “I’m not knocking it. I’m just trying to work you out. You’re an interesting mix.”

  “Oh, I wouldn’t bother trying to work me out. Even I haven’t managed that yet. If I ever do, I’ll let you know.”

  “Okay. Erm… Anything but Chaplin.”

  “You don’t like Chaplin?”

  “Not really.”

  “Too sentimental? The silent clown with the tear in his eye?”

  Kade shrugged. “I guess it’s an opinion from my childhood. My dad hated him, and we never watched a lot of old films at home. I had to watch The Great Dictator
once in school.”

  “Hmm. I’ll work on that another day. How about Coney Island? Roscoe Arbuckle and Buster Keaton, two of the greats for the price of one, with some cross-dressing thrown in for good measure.”

  “Sounds perfect,” Kade said, although he doubted he would be able to concentrate on anything with thoughts of Niall circling in his head. He lay down with his head in Blake’s lap to watch a comedy nearly one hundred years old. They laughed together as the rain pelted down on the roof of the crannog and set the surface of the loch dancing against the wooden pillars holding them off the ground.

  Chapter Thirteen

  All Things Must End

  Blake left him at his front door with a kiss. He hadn’t looked like he wanted to leave, and Kade hadn’t wanted him to. Kade promised he would call Blake later, after things with Niall were sorted, and Blake had told him to come back to the crannog the next day so they could spend the weekend together.

  Kade went inside and made his way slowly up the stairs to his apartment. He opened the door, and for a second he was convinced he had been burgled. Nearly all the furniture was gone. Most of the books, the few bits of artwork that had been on the walls, the mirror that had hung beside the front door and even all the towels and the bed linens were gone too. Niall had cleaned him out.

  Kade checked the wardrobes. Only his clothes and shoes remained. For some reason, Niall had seen fit to empty the bathroom of toiletries and the kitchen of most of the crockery, cutlery, utensils and pots—way more than was Niall’s to take.

  When they’d moved in together, they’d both brought a lot of things from their student days, but they had bought things over the years too. Kade thought they should at least have had a discussion about who got to keep the television, the gaming consoles, the fucking bed and coffee table.

  He wandered into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of wine. Niall didn’t like red wine, so he supposed that was why it had escaped his ex’s clutches. Similarly, Niall seemed to have left some items of food in the fridge, and all the stuff Kade had picked up in the Asian supermarket was still in the cupboards.

  Kade went back to the living room. He set the bottle of wine down in the space on the floor where the coffee table had been and walked over to the window. He was surprised to hear the rumble of diesel that could only be Blake’s Defender starting up. Looking down at the street below, he saw it. So Blake had waited longer than necessary before leaving. No sooner had the Defender and its old, rumbling engine disappeared than he saw the familiar headlights of Niall’s Ford Focus turn onto the street.

  Panic rose again in his chest. He really didn’t want to have to see Niall. He should have asked Blake to stay or should have stayed with Blake and avoided the whole issue. He could just have transferred to Niall whatever money he wanted and done without the aggravation of having to discuss it.

  Not wanting to be standing in the almost-empty living room when Niall walked through the front door, Kade took himself and his bottle of wine back to the kitchen. He waited.

  Niall headed straight for the kitchen as soon as he let himself into the flat.

  Christ, am I so predictable that Niall didn’t even have to question where I would be waiting for him?

  “Hey.”

  “Shall we just get this over with? I realize I’m interrupting ‘reading night’.”

  Sarcasm dripped from Niall’s voice. Kade pushed up from the counter, sloshing his wine as he did so. “Fuck you.” Not profound, but suitably to the point. “You don’t get to speak to me like that anymore. Let’s just sort out the money then you can go. I see you’ve already helped yourself to everything else.”

  “I only took what was mine.”

  “No. You took most of what was ours. And you know what? I barely care. Can we just sort out the finances so I can get out of here?”

  Niall stared at him. He had always had such dark eyes, but there had once been such love in them. Kade couldn’t see any of that love now. In fact, he couldn’t remember seeing any there for a long time.

  “Where are you in a rush to get to?” Niall asked. His voice was still cold and sharp, but he wasn’t shouting anymore. Kade was grateful for that at least.

  “It’s none of your business,” he said calmly.

  “Why not?”

  “You know why not. You left me. You don’t get any more say over my life. Now, please, let’s get this over with.”

  Kade pulled out his phone. He could access the online banking information for all of their shared accounts using it. There was quite a bit of money in the everyday account and thousands in the savings accounts. He had no idea how they were going to separate it all, but he was surprised by how little he really cared.

  “Are you seeing someone else?” Niall asked.

  Kade laughed at the sound of incredulity in Niall’s voice.

  “No. I suppose you wouldn’t be. Would you?” he answered himself.

  Kade bristled at the implication, but he continued to stare at his phone’s screen. “You said you wanted the balance of the everyday account. Fine, I guess, though you sure as hell aren’t entitled to it. Shall we just split the savings account fifty-fifty and call this done?”

  “If you’d like.”

  Kade looked at Niall and gaped. “Wait. What? If I like? You wanted me here, you wanted to discuss this and yet you’re happy with the first suggestion I make?”

  “Yep.”

  Kade thought about that. He supposed Niall should have been happy. He was getting more than he was entitled to with the balance of the everyday account but probably more than he was entitled to with regards to half of the savings as well. Niall had always spent more money. Kade had been the one concerned with planning for a rainy day. He sighed and started the process of transferring the balance of the everyday account over to Niall.

  “You’ll need to cancel any shared direct debits of course. If you need my signature, I guess you can just pass the paperwork on to Ian. He’ll see that I get it,” Kade said.

  “Okay.”

  That was really starting to piss Kade off now. “Look,” he said, trying hard to keep the anger out of his voice. “You wanted me here tonight. By the looks of things, we could have dealt with this over the phone.”

  “I wanted to see you,” Niall said softly.

  Kade hadn’t been expecting that. “Why?”

  Niall shrugged. “Wanted to see how you were coping.”

  Kade thought about that for a minute. “I’ve been doing just fine. Don’t worry. There’s not going to be a scar.”

  Niall laughed again. It was such a horrible, short, cruel laugh. “Oh really. You’re doing just fine? Kade, you’re off work. There was laundry all over the bedroom. You broke my lamp in what I can only assume was some melodramatic fit of rage, and half the food in the fridge is out of date.”

  Kade turned away from him. “I haven’t been staying here for a week. That’s all. And the lamp was an accident.”

  “Oh, of course it was. That was a nice lamp. So what? I’m supposed to believe you’ve been up at your log cabin in the mountains screwing lover boy all week, right?”

  Kade ignored Niall. With their everyday account empty, he started on the first savings account, mentally working out exactly half and transferring it to Niall’s personal account.

  “Come on, Kade. You can’t expect me to buy this bullshit. Where have you been? Back with your parents?”

  “I have already told you that is none of your business.” Kade was interrupted by someone knocking at the apartment door. “It’s not. Not anymore. And why is it so hard for you to believe anyway? I mean, you fucked me.”

  Niall grinned at him. “Yeah, but I had lower standards then.”

  Kade got hot. He put his phone back in his pocket, finished his wine and grabbed his coat. “Am I to take it that you’ve raised your standards in recent months?”

  “Yup.”

  Kade wondered briefly what he had ever seen in Niall, but the man standing in fro
nt of him wasn’t the same person he had fallen for all those years ago. Kade pushed past him, heading for the front door as the knocking started again.

  “Leave the door,” Niall shouted, grabbing hard on Kade’s shoulder.

  “I’m not going to answer the fucking door. I’m going to walk through it like you did. You deal with the rest of the money transfers. Help yourself to whatever you want. That seems to be what you’ve always done. I’ll speak to the landlord tomorrow.”

  “I’ve already done that. You’re going to have to find yourself somewhere else to live.”

  Kade shrugged free of Niall’s grasp just as the door swung open. Blake stood there, framed in the darkness of the shared landing.

  He looked briefly at Niall then straight at Kade. He looked angry, but there was concern in those big blue eyes also—too much for Kade to deal with.

  “Hey.” Blake’s voice was lower than Kade had ever heard it. “Can I borrow you for a second?”

  Kade froze.

  “Actually, he’s a little busy right now. Who are you supposed to be?” Niall asked.

  Kade ignored Niall and walked out of the front door onto the landing. Blake pulled the door closed behind them, but Kade caught the look Blake threw Niall before he shut him in the flat. It was like acid.

  “What are you doing here?” Kade moved to the far end of the landing to make sure that they couldn’t be overheard.

  “Check your voice mails later. Are you okay?”

  Kade looked down at his feet. He shook his head. He didn’t want to cry in front of Blake, and he hadn’t felt like doing so until Blake asked that question so softly and sweetly that Kade could hardly stand it.

  “Guess you’ve met my ex now.”

  “Yeah. He seems like all sorts of fun.”

  “He’s taken almost everything. Half the savings—but he’ll probably help himself to more—all the money in the everyday account, pretty much everything in the flat.”

  Kade sat down on the top step.

  “He said some pretty horrible things to you,” Blake said. Kade noticed Blake’s hands were shaking. “Did he always speak to you like that?”