The Bucket List

by Douglas Black

  Kade shook his head. “God no. No. He never used to. But things haven’t been good between us for a long time.”

  “So he has spoken to you like that before?”

  Kade nodded. “It’s not a big deal.”

  “Sounded like a big deal to me.”

  “Please. Don’t get involved. Just don’t.” Behind him, Kade could hear Niall slamming around inside the flat.

  “If you’re going back in there, I’m going with you.”

  “I’m not going back in. He’s found someone better, apparently.”

  “No,” Blake said, sitting down on the step beside Kade. He wrapped an arm around Kade’s shoulder. “He didn’t find someone better. He found someone else. And if the little I overheard of his performance in there is anything to go by, you should feel grateful.”

  Kade choked back tears. “Eight years of my life wasted and I should feel grateful?”

  The sound of something smashing rang out from the flat. It sounded a lot like a mug hitting a wall.

  “Trust me on this. I’ve been there. Look. We can talk about this later. Do you want to go back in there and deal with him? Do you need to go back in? Honestly?”

  Kade thought about that and shook his head.

  “You said there were more accounts to deal with. Do you trust him to do that fairly?”

  Kade shook his head again. “No, but I don’t want to go back in there. I’m done with this—with all of this mess. I just want to go away.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  “You don’t want to stand up to him, say what’s on your mind? Make sure you get your share of the money, even?”

  Kade shook his head and turned to rest it against Blake’s strong shoulder. “I just want to get out of here.” He was thinking of the peace and quiet of the countryside, of the time spent in Blake’s cabin and their day on Loch Lomond—and he was thinking how much he wanted to get back to ignoring the mess that was his life.

  “Okay. Come on then. Let’s go.”

  Blake pulled Kade awkwardly up with him, and they started heading down the stairs. They were two flights down when Niall leaned over the bannister.

  “Just running off, are you?” He gave another one of those ridiculous laughs. “You never did have much fight in you.”

  Blake froze beside him.

  “No, it’s fine. Don’t. Whatever you’re thinking of doing, don’t. He wants to get a rise out of me. Let’s just go. Please.”

  Kade could feel tension running through Blake. He should have felt afraid, given that he knew how strong and capable Blake was, but Kade didn’t feel any such thing. He leaned into Blake and whispered, “Please. Leave it. I know how this makes me look, but I don’t want to fight with him anymore. I don’t want to see him anymore. I want… I just want to go away. Christ, I nearly married that man.” Kade’s voice choked off in his throat.

  “Okay.”

  They got down another flight of stairs before Niall shouted out Kade’s name. Kade flinched. Blake started patting down his pockets. For a horrible second, Kade felt like he had dropped straight into the middle of a movie. He genuinely wondered if Blake had brought a gun or a knife with him.

  “Shit,” Blake said.

  “What?” Kade was almost afraid to ask.

  “I haven’t got my phone. It must have dropped out in your flat.”

  “What? You were barely in there.”

  “Yeah, I know. Shit. I’m going to go grab it. You go wait in my truck.”

  “What? Blake, no. Leave the phone. We’ll come back for it tomorrow.”

  “Nah, it’s okay. I won’t be a second.”

  Blake passed Kade his keys and left him standing while he jogged back up the stairs. Kade listened to Blake’s footsteps echoing in the stairwell. Then he turned and went out to the truck.

  He didn’t know why he’d done it, why he’d left and not stayed to finish what he’d started with Niall. Anyone would think that made him a coward, but that wasn’t how he saw it. He just felt tired.

  Blake returned to the car a little less than five minutes later. He slid in behind the wheel and started the engine before pulling quickly out of the car park. When they passed under a streetlight, Kade saw the reddened skin across the knuckles of Blake’s right hand.

  “Did you hurt yourself?” Kade asked, keeping as much neutrality in his voice as he could, given he was sure he already knew the answer.

  “I fell on the stairs,” Blake said without missing a beat. “You know, if you ever go back to live there, you want to speak to whoever maintains the building about getting the lights fixed. Someone could easily take a nasty tumble.”

  Kade swallowed. He settled for saying, “I don’t see myself going back there now.”

  “Good.”

  “Did you find your phone?”

  “Yeah,” Blake said. He reached for the radio and turned it on, flicking over to a country station and turning the volume down so it was just possible to hear it over the engine noise.

  Kade didn’t say anything about the fact that as soon as he’d climbed into the Defender, he’d seen Blake’s phone lying in the center console. If Blake had realized he had nearly touched it when he turned on the radio, he hadn’t mentioned anything either.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Rescue Remedy

  To his shame, Kade spent the next two days in Blake’s bed, but not in the way he would have liked. Neither of them had spoken much once they’d gotten back to the crannog. Kade had felt low and dark, scared of what Blake might say to him and even more scared of what he might think.

  On Monday morning, Blake brought Kade a big glass of water and two small white pills. He set them beside the bed and produced what appeared to be an ancient vial from his pocket. It was labeled Rescue Remedy and looked like the sort of herbal stress tonic sold in weird high street shops selling candles and crystals and pieces of rock. Blake unscrewed the lid to reveal a glass dropper. He sucked out a few drops and put them into the glass of water.

  Kade didn’t speak. He didn’t want to. He didn’t feel like it.

  “Here. Sit up for me.”

  Kade did as he was told.

  “I want you to drink this.” He held out the glass for Kade to grab then he slipped the pills into Kade’s left hand. “And I need you to take these.”

  “What are they?”

  “They’re sleeping pills. Natural ones, but they will knock you out. And the Rescue Remedy will calm your nerves.”

  Kade didn’t think he had ever felt more embarrassed. He looked up at Blake and the only word that came out of his mouth was, “Why?”

  Blake sighed. “Because I know the place that you’re in right now, and I know that if you don’t take these, if you don’t get some proper sleep and if you don’t stop thinking so much, I’m going to have to take you to a doctor.”

  Kade started to protest but Blake cut him off by running a hand down Kade’s cheek.

  “I’m saying this because I’m worried about you and because I really have been where you are now. You’re on the verge of making yourself ill, of letting that bastard make you ill. I’m not going to let you do that. So I want you to sleep until you can’t sleep any more, then you’re going to start thinking about the future instead of worrying about the past.”

  “I’m sorry I’m here. I’m really sorry. You’re being too kind. I don’t deserve this. You must think I’m such a coward.”

  “Nope. That’s just you who’s thinking that.”

  Kade shook his head, and Blake caught his hand, squeezing it tight.

  “It’s you thinking that, not me. I understand. Believe me, I do. And I’m doing this because I like you and I don’t want to see you let people who aren’t as good as you take you down. Everyone deserves to be looked after from time to time, and I’m pretty sure I know what you need, so just trust me and take the pills. We can fix this.”

  Kade started to drink the water. It wasn’t unpleasant. He took the pills
.

  “You don’t even know me,” he said as he lay back down between the sheets.

  “I know enough to know I like you.”

  * * * *

  Kade had no idea how long he’d been asleep when he finally woke up. The last thing he remembered happening was taking the pills, but he could also remember one very vivid dream where Blake had pulled him close in bed and held him tight for hours. Everything else was blissful blackness.

  The crannog was quiet, and it was dark. Kade searched for a clock and found that it was eight o’clock at night, but that didn’t help him work out what day it was. He got out of bed.

  Blake had left a glass of water on the bedside table. Kade drank it, wanting to believe that a few drops of tonic could stop him thinking about the mess his life was in, about how much of a fool he had made of himself in front of Blake, who no doubt thought he was the most ridiculous human being alive. He definitely wasn’t ready to stay thinking about what he was going to do with his future. He couldn’t go back to work, for sure.

  Kade took a shower. Since he didn’t have any clothes with him, he rummaged around in Blake’s drawers. The very first one he opened—the top drawer—held clothes that looked all too familiar. They were his clothes. Kade pulled on a pair of old trackies and a tight T-shirt, wondering when and how Blake had got a hold of his stuff. In the living area, he found a pair of his old trainers, and he pulled those on. Then he went outside, looking for Blake.

  He found him in the other crannog, which looked much like Blake’s house, only without anywhere to sleep. There was a reception area, complete with leaflets and books on outdoor sports and nearby hillwalking routes, some merchandise and equipment for sale, and, at the far end of the room, a large desk. Blake sat behind it. He looked up when Kade came into the room. Kade took a seat on the sofa, feeling like he was about to face a dressing-down or a job interview.

  “Hello, sleepyhead. How d’you feel?”

  “Like I’ve lost a couple of days?”

  Blake nodded. “Told you they were good pills.”

  “Can I ask a couple of questions?” Kade queried.

  Blake nodded and shifted the paperwork he had been flicking through out of the way so he could fold his arms and lean on the desk.

  “How many days have I lost?”

  “Just two. Welcome to Wednesday evening. You’ve missed a beautiful, dry day.” Blake didn’t sound like he was mocking him. He was just smiling and looking at Kade like he was something special.

  “Okay. And how come my clothes are in your drawer?”

  “I thought you might want something to wear when you woke up that wasn’t anything I could offer you. My wardrobe doesn’t extend too far beyond board shorts and baggy jeans. I liked the nineties a bit too much, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

  Kade laughed. The fact that he had caught him by surprise. He still felt tense, all knotted up inside like one of those elastic-band balls, but he seemed to be able to laugh around Blake. The bad feeling hadn’t gone away, but Blake had managed to pull other emotions to the surface. Blake cocked his head, and Kade got to his feet and walked over to him. Blake wheeled his chair away from the desk so Kade could join him. When he did, Blake kept his legs spread so Kade was between his strong thighs.

  “I stole your key. Sorry. And I went back to your flat and grabbed what was left. The clothes, shoes and stuff, and what I took to be your laptop and hard drives, I brought back here.

  “I put the bits of furniture and books that were left behind in a storage facility just down from Glasgow University. It was pretty cheap. I would have brought it here too, but I didn’t want to be too presumptuous about you staying. I did, however, nick most of your food. I hate to see stuff go to waste. Sorry.”

  Kade laughed again. “So, the flat… Has it been handed back to the landlord?”

  Blake nodded. “Thanks to your charming ex.”

  “How’s your hand?”

  Blake looked down at his knuckles. The redness had faded to light bruises. He looked up and grinned. “Fine, thanks.”

  “Did you mention the lighting problem in the stairwell to the landlord?”

  “You know, it rather slipped my mind.”

  Kade laughed again. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

  “Done what? I just fell over, like I told you.” Blake pressed a kiss against Kade’s lips then said, “I also met Ian.”

  “Oh God. How come?”

  “He came by the flat while I was loading your stuff into my truck. After I managed to convince him that I was, in fact, the guy from the nightclub and not just any old robber, he joined me for a chat. Seemed quite keen to do so, actually.”

  Kade looked Blake up and down. He was wearing another ridiculously tight T-shirt and those baggy board shorts again. His hair was down, his stubble a little too long to just be one day’s growth.

  “I bet he did,” Kade said.

  “Yeah, we talked a little. Well…mostly he talked and I listened.”

  “Great. So I guess Ian told you everything? All about how boring I am, my little routines, my anxiety and my inability to do anything without copious prior planning.”

  “He mentioned some of that. And I have to say I was surprised, because I haven’t seen that side of you—not even anything close to it. Ian said he’d never really noticed it either until you got with Niall.”

  Kade dropped his head onto his chest. “I’ve always liked routine and I’ve always liked things to be done a certain way. You can’t blame Niall for the way I am.”

  “Actually we can and we do.”

  “We? Already it’s ‘we’?”

  “Ian and I make quite a pair of gossipy old women.”

  “Oh Christ,” Kade said. He couldn’t imagine Blake as a gossipy old woman.

  “What your ex was doing to you, the things he said to you that I overheard plus other stuff that Ian told me and the way he acted toward you, maybe not in the beginning, but later on? It was wrong. It made you paranoid, made you feel like you weren’t in control of anything, like you weren’t able to be yourself. You might have always had a thing for routine but he exacerbated that, made you need to depend on it to feel secure.”

  “Stop it. Please, stop it. I don’t want to hear—”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. That was out of line. And I know it’s not my place, but I like you. And I spoke to Ian about you—the old you, the pre-Niall you—and you know what? He sounds an awful lot like the person I’ve spent this past week with. And I like that guy and want to see more of him. I don’t want to see somebody who is absolutely of no value to you bring you down and hurt you, especially not when he’s gone now.”

  Kade nodded.

  “It gets easier. I promise.”

  Kade wasn’t sure he believed that, as much as he wanted to. “Can I ask another question?”

  “Whatever you want.”

  “You said you understood…”

  Blake tightened his hold. “Is that a question?”

  “Yeah, it is. I don’t know what I’m asking, but I want to know how you understand.”

  Blake sighed. He hugged Kade, and when he finally spoke, his voice was quiet and muffled as he spoke into Kade’s chest.

  “A few years ago, I had what I guess a doctor would call a bit of a breakdown, not that I bothered going to a medical professional, of course.” Blake sighed, but he carried on talking. “I didn’t just move from Sydney to Aberdeen to work on the oil rigs. I moved because I was in love. It was a very young relationship. He was Scottish, but we’d met back in Australia, and when he moved home, I followed him. When I got here, he treated me like shit, but I was head over heels for him and was young and stupid enough to think that he would change. When I finally worked up the nerve to leave him, I should have felt relieved, but instead I felt like my world had exploded. I was sure my body and my mind were going to do the same and I had an awful lot of healing to do. But, eventually, things got better, I got better and I ended up here. And
I really, really like it here.” Blake looked up at Kade.

  Kade was sure he had just heard a massively abridged story, but he didn’t question it. It wasn’t exactly difficult for him to understand Blake’s reluctance to talk.

  “D’you want some more pills? You want to go back to bed?” Blake asked.

  “I want to go back to bed, but I’m not sure about more pills.”

  “Okay. Listen, Kade. One more thing then I promise to drop it.”

  Kade sighed. “What?”

  “What I overheard. When Niall said he had met someone else, you didn’t even seem that upset.”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  That was something else Kade really didn’t want to have to think about, but he answered anyway. “I think I always knew there was a very real possibility he was cheating on me, so it wasn’t much of a surprise to have it confirmed. He had a reputation before I met him, but in the beginning I thought I would be enough. Then he started saying things to me, after…you know. He said I was dull and it was boring—stuff that hurt and I probably wouldn’t have ever put up with if he hadn’t always done it after I had just given him an intimate part of myself. I guess I knew when he said those things that he wasn’t going to be faithful. He was giving me his excuses ahead of time, and I could either change—which I never managed to do—or put up with it. And for some reason, I put up with it.”

  “He was bullying you.”

  Kade blanched. Bullying was what happened to kids in school and gay teens in college. It didn’t happen to adults. But then…

  “Can we stop this now?” Kade asked.

  “Of course.”

  “Can I take more of that magic potion of yours?”

  “Of course,” Blake repeated.

  “Will you take me to bed and do horrifically wonderful things to me?”

  Blake smiled and nodded. “Of course.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Date Night

  Blake moved so slowly, so gently. Despite the lazy pace, he wasn’t treating Kade like Kade was some fragile little thing that might break at any second. Instead, it seemed as if he was moving slowly purely because he wanted to. He might have been being gentle, but he wasn’t trying to hold back his strength.