“Whatever it is, will you spill it already?” I blurt out. I was never the one for suspense.
The night has darkened further but the lights from the party behind us hides the stars with their glare. We’re standing in a secluded corner, hidden from the direct view of others. He looks at me with his caramel coloured eyes. “I came here tonight because I knew you’d be here. I had an invitation from Shikhar, he’s my older brother’s client.” Shikhar is my almost to be brother-in-law. “I’m not sure why I came but I thought you need to know.”
“Know what?” My heart couldn’t sink any lower if it wanted. I’m on the verge of a full blown panic attack.
“My mother isn’t feeling too well, Prisha,” he says, as if it should make some sense to me. It doesn’t, I still feel dense. “I..I almost got married to a girl I loved. She was from a different faith than mine, like you. Ammi didn’t take it well.” He looks pained. “She had a stroke. She’s okay now but needs a lot of care.”
And this should matter to me because?
His answer is full of the agony he feels. “I had to give up the girl I love, Prisha. I’m getting married to a girl of my family’s choice in a few months.”
I stand blinking at him. Was he trying to ask me to give up on Ajaz? No!
“Prisha, Ajaz loves Ammi more than I do.” Asad is sincere, honest, worried. “If I gave up the girl I loved then he would too.”
Realisation hits me hard. It was the parts we had never discussed in our relationship that had to be faced now. This is reality. This is the truth for scores of lovers like me and Ajaz. We don’t stand a chance against our families.
My eyes are bright with unshed tears. I always knew this day would come but it’s come too soon and not in a way I expected. “Did Ajaz send you to tell me all this?”
“No, he doesn’t know I’m here. He’ll probably kill me.” Asad looks as tortured as I feel. “I can’t knock sense into him from here but I can prepare you for the inevitable. He’s going to break your heart, Prisha.”
10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1..HAPPY NEW YEAR!
* * *
Moping around was not an option. Working hard was. I threw myself into my studies and internship with a frenzy. Ajaz continued calling on and off but I could hear the worry in his voice. It could be my imagination but it felt he was preparing himself as well as me.
I heard about Asad’s wedding. He invited me but I didn’t go. I wasn’t curious to meet his family. I would’ve demanded an explanation from them for forcing him to marry against his wishes. I felt bad for him but I wasn’t happy he didn’t stand up to his mother. He made a great example for Ajaz.
I prepared myself too. I stopped sitting around waiting for Ajaz’s calls. When we did speak, it was brief. I needed to safeguard myself from the inevitability of a heartbreak.
No one could gauge the depth of my depression. At home, it was me and Grandma now. Sudha and Leena had gone back to be with Dad after Saumya’s wedding.
I almost stopped eating. Grandma forced me to have a glass of milk daily and some soup in the evenings. I didn’t have solid food for days and lost weight like crazy. I had random fainting spells that attacked me. I started getting bruises due to my falls. Grandma complained to Sudha who scolded me before hanging up.
I left the internship as I couldn’t take the stress anymore. I didn’t feel sane. I focused as best as I could on my studies. I completed two years of my Bachelor of Architecture, I had couple more to go. Ajaz had delayed his return. He was working there now.
~ ~ ~
Memories – Prisha – 1993.
I can’t say I’m preparing well for a breakup. I’ve almost stopped talking to Ajaz, I wonder if it lightens his burden. I avoid Nik’s calls too. He’s going to hear my desolation and lecture me. I don’t need lectures what I need is closure.
It’s my twenty first birthday. I’m all skin and bones. I don’t throw a party because I don’t want to see anyone. Besides, Grandma has taken unwell. I admit her to a nearby hospital and come back home to pack some dinner for her.
I get off the cab, enter my apartment complex and skid to a halt. There, standing in the shadow of the night, is Ajaz. I’m stunned. He didn’t mention he was coming back. How could he? We haven’t spoken in a long time.
I approach him slowly, almost afraid he isn’t real. But he is.
His looks have matured, he’s more handsome, more intense. His skin is glowing as it does when anyone lives abroad for a long time. He’s been working out, I can see muscles rippling through him as he takes a step out of the shadows and into the light of the hallway.
“Hi.” He offers a small, sad smile, drinking me in with his eyes.
“You didn’t say you were coming,” I accuse. This is awkward. I want to fling myself in his arms, I want him to kiss me senseless and here I’m enacting a scene from a soap opera.
“I wanted to surprise you.” He moves to stand close to me, forcing me to look up at him. He takes my breath away. I fall in love with him all over again.
He regards me with a worried look before taking my hand in his and leading the way up to my apartment. My hands are shaking when we reach it so he takes the keys from me and opens the door. Shutting it behind him with his foot, he grabs me and wordlessly pulls me in to devour me with his kiss.
I lose every sane thought. I’m lost in his presence, in his scent, in his love, in his desire. I fit more perfectly in his arms than ever. I link my arms around his neck and kiss him back with all that I have.
Our kiss goes from desperate to tender, our lips clinging, exchanging tiny kisses. We take our time to come to our senses.
He pulls me to sit with him on the couch. “What the hell have you done to yourself, Prish?” he demands, tracing his fingers over my bony arms.
I shake my head. I can’t tell him what I know. I know he’s come to say goodbye. I start crying, hiding my face in my hands. The pain is unbearable now that he’s here.
He curses before dragging me to sit on his lap. He holds me in his arms and lets me cry to my heart’s content. When the crying stops, there’s a vacant hole in my heart. He pushes my hands away to cup my face. “Why are you torturing yourself like this?”
I shake my head again. I can’t trust myself with words. I can see his heart break in his honey eyes. He’s as tortured as I am. I don’t want him to say anything more. I lay my head on his shoulders hoping we can be like this for an eternity.
“Prish, I..,” he begins then stops. No! Don’t say it! I could die if he breaks up tonight!
I rise up from his lap, putting some distance between us. I find courage to look at him. “I know. It’s over.”
He rises too fast. He didn’t expect me to be prepared. “I didn’t say that.”
“Don’t, Ajaz, don’t drag it any further.”
He’s torn as if hearing it from me shocked him with what he already knows. He takes me in his arms and we stand with each other one last time. “I love you. Just you. You hear that?”
I do, I do hear it and it makes me cry.
He is reluctant to release me but he does it anyway. I know it isn’t easy for him either. He goes to the door then looks back at me one last time. “It isn’t over yet, Prish.”
The door closes behind him, letting me dissolve into a mess. He’s gone. Ajaz has left me.
Ten
Made in heaven.
A heartbreak is nothing more than an illness. You need time and space to recover from it. But, like some illnesses, it leaves an imprint behind forever. Days, months, years go by, but the imprint doesn’t. If you took an x-ray of a broken heart, you’d know what I mean.
I graduated as an architect with flying colours. I started working almost immediately after graduation having received an offer letter from a prestigious architectural firm.
At twenty four, I was considered the most promising newcomer. I still hadn’t received an appropriate marriage proposal much to my mother’s annoyance. Saumya had already given her a gorgeo
us granddaughter but ugly, old me was still sitting on the shelf.
If Dad was worried, he didn’t show. He was re-assigned to Bombay with a few years left before retirement. I often thought of moving out and finding a place of my own but Sudha felt it would ruin their reputation. It’s still the nineties, society is changing in favour of more independence for young people like myself but apparently not fast enough for Sudha. She hates me and yet she won’t let me go.
~ ~ ~
Memories – Prisha – 1996.
I love walking on the beach in the mornings. It’s where I spent time with my friends as a teen. I remember Nik trying to teach me to cycle here. I remember soaring with the bike with him running behind me, yelling instructions. I remember falling over because after applying the brakes I had no idea how to get off. I remember his shadow falling across my face while he laughed at my helpless state. He never spared me the whip and made me get back on without respite.
These days I walk alone, sometimes with shoes on, sometimes bare feet waiting for the gentle waves to lap at them. Every wave seems to bring me a message that I can’t decipher. I stand quietly, facing the sea, my eyes close, letting the sun sink in, rejuvenating my skin cells.
It’s been years since Ajaz walked out of my life but his memory still lingers on. I never tried chasing him so I have no idea where he is. I know he calls me sometimes. The phone rings after midnight, I pick it up, say ‘hello’ but no one answers. I know it’s him listening to the sound of my voice while I listen to his broken heart.
“I warned you not to get your heart broken.” Nik!
I turn around slowly, wondering if I have imagined his voice. I haven’t imagined him. Nik is standing there looking taller, older, confident, determined and downright striking. But he hasn’t changed. His smile teases me, his eyes laugh taking in my surprise.
“Nik,” I whisper his name almost afraid he’ll disappear.
He removes his hands from his trouser pockets before taking a step forward. “Hello, Risha.”
I stand with my back to the sea, wondering if my mind was playing tricks on me. I’m used to being alone and I’m not sure I need Nik in my life again. “You just got back?”
He nods. “An hour ago. Went to your place, your mom said you might be here.” He peers at me. “What are you doing?”
I shrug. “Walking I guess.”
He slowly steps in closer as if afraid I’ll bolt. “No, I meant with your life.”
I stare at him. He already knows I got my heart broken what do I have to hide? Then it strikes me, this is Nik for crying out loud! Nik! I throw my shoe at him.
“Hey!” he yells in surprise catching it deftly before laughing out. “You’re ruining it for me!”
I throw my other shoe. “Ruining what? This teasing game you had up your sleeve? I’m so not falling for that!” I rush at him, he darts away laughing like a maniac.
“I got your shoes, how are you getting home?”
I chase him a bit before giving up. I could never beat him at any physical activity. I turn away to go and flop down on soft sand. He returns to join me, throwing my shoes back at me. “Get them on and let’s get out of here.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Come on, Risha! I need to show you something!”
I regard at him with suspicious eyes before giving up. My heart is warming up just seeing him. It hasn’t felt this good in years. I want to act chaste but I take the hand he offers and let him pull me up. He says nothing as I bump into him. He takes my hand in his as we begin our walk back home. It feels the most natural thing to do in the world.
He leaves me at my door, asking me to get ready and meet him in an hour. “Where are we going?” I ask.
“I can’t tell you yet.” I hate surprises and he knows that.
“What do I wear?”
He rolls his eyes like the teen he once was. “I can never get how difficult girls find dressing up! Wear whatever pleases you.”
I slam the door on his face only to hear him laughing as he walks away.
I get ready choosing to wear jeans and a simple t-shirt. It’s once again December but it isn’t chilly during the day.
When Nik returns, he’s looking polished and cool. He’s taller, almost six feet, he’s wearing a pale blue Uni hoodie, jeans and sneakers. He’s changed his glasses to rimless and that makes him look dashing in every sense. I smile because he bows down for me. “At your service ma’am.”
“Seriously, Nik, where are we going?” I need to know but he doesn’t say. He drags me out, shutting the door behind me.
“I already submitted an itinerary to your mom, so chill.”
I stop fighting him. I’m actually glad he’s here. Being a Saturday, I didn’t need to call in sick at work. It’s my day off and I can do whatever I please or today as Nik pleases.
We first head to a local joint known for serving delicious breakfast. He orders more than we can eat and tries to force every morsel down my throat.
“You’re being crazy, I can’t eat so much!” I whine and complain.
“Look at you! You’re all skin and bones!”
“I’m maintaining my figure.”
“By trying to compete with a zombie?”
“I hate you.”
“No you don’t.”
“I do.”
He regards me with a serious expression before giving up. I wonder if I’ve hurt him but I catch him grinning at me like an idiot. I’m overthinking. This is Nik. I can’t ever go wrong with Nik.
He takes me to the movies next. It’s a silly comedy that gets laughs out of us. By afternoon, we’ve reached the Gateway of India. To my surprise, he shoos me into one of those dangerous dinghies despite my loud protests.
It’s crowded but we get to sit side by side on a dilapidated wooden bench, our back to the waves that are a mere foot below.
He ignores my glares and instead takes my hand in his and holds it. He knows I’m scared of water and he’s showing me he’s there for me. Our eyes meet and he gives me a sly wink.
I mouth, ‘I hate you’, but it makes him smile wider. He leans towards my ear. “No you don’t, Risha. You adore me.” It’s true, I do adore him.
I bite down on my lip to stop my response but laugh with him. The family sitting opposite, is more interested in us than the boat ride.
“I’m tired, let’s go home,” I begin my protest by late afternoon. Nik hadn’t warned me we were going on a bloody tour of the city.
“Okay,” he replies and we head back home.
When he leaves me at my doorstep, I turn to him and ask, “What did you want to show me?”
“How to have a good time.” He walks away whistling, leaving me with confused emotions.
~ ~ ~
Nik reveals he isn’t back for good. He’s settled in the US. He’s completed his studies, he has a great job and loves his life there. My heart sinks at the thought of missing him all over again. Why does this keep happening to me?
Because you don’t know how to let go.
New Year’s Eve and I have a date with Nik. It’s an official date because that’s what he’s calling it.
“I’m asking you out on a date, you get that?” he had said as if talking to an imbecile. “Do you have a problem with that?”
I had no words for him other than ‘you’re an ass and I hate New Year’s Eve parties’. He took it as a ‘yes’ from me and landed at my doorstep looking dapper.
Sudha isn’t objecting to his insertion in my life and that surprises me. I guess she sees Nik as a trustworthy friend. And yet I remember her once warning me to keep my distance from him so that the neighbours don’t gossip about us. Well, they’re going to have a field day now.
I choose a black one piece dress with minimal jewellery. Out of habit, I still wear the amethyst pendant that Ajaz had gifted me. I wear it every day, all the time. It’s the only thing of his that I’ve kept. The rest I trashed, like the olive, turtle neck sweater that I poured bleach on and t
he charm bracelet that I gave a poor beggar at a traffic light.
If Nik has noticed it, he doesn’t mention it. He offers me his arm that I take and we’re off on our first official date.
Nik’s booked us a table at a fancy club. We enjoy a lavish dinner before he pulls me to the dance floor. They play a mix of songs. When a slow number comes on, Nik draws me in his arms, placing his cheek on my hair. I feel his warmth. I feel the comfort he can give me.
True Rising: Mark of the Defenders Page 9
