A Reckless Life

by Michelle Files

  “Is this what you are going to use to get rid of me? A stolen painting?” I knew the answer before I even asked the question.

  “Actually, yes,” Sarah jumped in. “We have tried offering you money and you refused it. So, the painting is our next step. Besides we don’t know that you didn’t take it. You obviously knew about it, knew exactly where it was hung, and now it is gone. You do the math.” She glared at me as she made her accusation.

  “You know I didn’t take it. I wouldn’t do that!” I screamed.

  “Look at how you are acting. You walk in here and rifle through Adam’s desk, then you start screaming at us, like this is our fault,” she said mockingly.

  “So this is it? You are going to have me arrested for something I didn’t do, just to get your hands on my daughter?” I was in shock.

  “Our daughter,” Sarah said. “She is our daughter, not yours. And we can prove it. You can’t prove anything, can you?” She raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms, obviously satisfied with her threat.

  “Maybe not right now, but I’ll figure out a way.”

  “Look, Abbey, let me be perfectly blunt with you. You have a record of drug use and theft. Do you actually think anyone would believe someone like you, over someone like me?” Sarah proclaimed.

  I suddenly had a fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach and my breathing became shallow. I’m sure it showed on my face.

  “I see that you are surprised that we know about that. Your problem is that you have a big mouth and we have our sources.” She was so smug and I wanted to slap her.

  Oliver. That’s the only person I told. Besides Huck, of course. But Huck wasn’t around and he wouldn’t have told them anything anyway. I knew it was Oliver. He may not have told Adam or Sarah directly, but was a terrible gossip, so they could have heard my story from just about anyone on the ranch. I should have known better. Stupid, stupid, stupid of me.

  “Anyway, we have no qualms about having you arrested for grand theft of the Picasso if you don’t leave right away. We mean by tomorrow morning. We will give you some money to live on for a while. We don’t want you to starve. But, we will not be supporting you forever. That’s up to you. Oh, and just in case we were not clear, you are going alone. Madison stays here,” she told me.

  “Yeah, I got that,” I replied.

  Chapter 30

  I barely slept all that night. I knew my time was up at the ranch. I had to leave in the morning, there really was no choice in the matter. If I didn’t leave, I would go to jail, then I would probably never see my baby again, ever. If I left as agreed, then at least there was a chance, albeit a slim one, that I could see her again one day. Maybe when I got older, and Madison was older, they would let me be a part of her life. Probably wishful thinking, but I really couldn’t see any other choice in the matter. I knew I had to go. At least for now.

  Sometime after midnight I sneaked into the nursery to see her one last time. Well, actually I got to the door of the nursery and was stopped by a huge man wearing a uniform. He was well over six feet tall and considerably more than 200 pounds. I was no match for him. Where the heck did he come from? I couldn’t believe that they hired a security guard to watch over the nursery at night. But, when I thought about it, it kind of made sense. Who could blame them for thinking I might sneak in? That’s exactly what I was doing. But, I wasn’t there to take her, I was there just to see her beautiful face one more time. All that Boris (that’s what I decided his name was) had to do was scowl at me and I ran back to my room about as fast as I could. I threw myself on my bed and cried myself to sleep, for about the hundredth time since I had been living on the ranch. I wasn’t even going to get the chance to see her again before I left for good.

  Very early the next morning the sun was streaming in between the blinds and hit me square in the eyes. Like it or not, I was up. My first thoughts went to my daughter, Madison. How was I ever going to leave her behind? I adored her and couldn’t bear to live without her. I knew I was just going to have to deal with it though. Even if I could figure out how to get her out of the house undetected, where would we go? I had no means of support and no one to help us. Besides, I knew they would hunt me down and send me to prison for grand theft, not to mention kidnapping.

  So, I packed my things, found Adam and got the money he promised me, and walked out the door. I needed something to survive on and it would last a while. The only person on the ranch I stopped to say good-bye to was Walter. I found him in the stables working. While I was telling him that I was leaving, I burst out crying. Leaving my baby daughter was the hardest thing that I would ever do. I actually thought it might kill me. Walter was very calm and understanding, but there really was nothing he could do. He just hugged me and let me get it all out. He was always so wonderful to me and I was going to miss him.

  I was also going to miss Huck. Terribly. By leaving the ranch and the town, I felt like I was leaving him too. He had been such an integral part of my life and it would be a very long time until my broken heart mended, even if just a little.

  I figured that Huck’s parents didn’t care for me, and would be thrilled if they never saw me again, but I wanted to say good-bye to them anyway. Those poor people. They lost both of their children in the worst possible ways. I guess there is no good way to lose your child, but they seemed to get the worst of it. Their daughter, Madison, died at 6 years old from cancer. Then Huck died, sort of because of me. Teresa was the one that stabbed him, but I still felt terrible guilt. When his mother opened the door, she was obviously surprised to see me standing on her front porch.

  “Hi. I’m really sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to say that I’m leaving town and how terribly sorry I am about Huck. I didn’t get a chance to talk to you at his funeral, so I decided to come by before I left. No matter how you feel about me, I loved him dearly and will miss him for the rest of my life.” I just blurted it all out before she had a chance to slam the door in my face. She stood there quietly and let me speak.

  “What do you mean ‘no matter how you feel about me’?” she asked.

  “Just that I’m kind of responsible for him getting killed, and you probably hate me for it. That’s all.” I looked at my feet in a desperate attempt not to cry.

  “Oh, sweetheart. You are not responsible at all. We don’t blame you. Why would you think that?” She sounded so kind.

  I looked up at her then. I could see the sincerity on her face.

  “You don’t? I thought you hated me, because I was the one that introduced him to Teresa.”

  “No, of course not. How could you have known? Besides, we know how much Huck loved you. He talked about you all the time.” She smiled at me then.

  “He did?”

  “Yes. He was in love with you. You know that, right?”

  “Yeah, I know. I so wish things had been different,” I told her.

  We both took a moment to reflect on that.

  “So, I heard you had your baby. But that’s all I know. Boy or girl?” She was trying to change the subject, which I was thankful for.

  I smiled when thinking of my beautiful daughter. “A girl. I named her Madison.” I desperately hoped that his mother would be okay with that.

  “You did?” She was definitely surprised.

  “Yes. Huck talked so often, and with so much love, about his little sister. Then he died on the day my daughter was born. I wanted to honor him somehow. I hope you don’t mind.” I held my breath, waiting for her reaction.

  “Oh wow. Absolutely not. I don’t mind at all. I’m so honored that you did that. Huck would be thrilled.”

  She leaned over and gave me a strong, reassuring hug. I hugged her back tightly. When she let me go, she had a sad, kind of soulful look on her face. I knew her children were both on her mind.

  “I wanted to let you know that we have decided to move out of state,” she told me. “We need a fresh start and we are leaving tomorrow. It is just too hard for us to stay here, especially in thi
s house. Too many memories, you know?”

  I knew.

  “I understand. That’s why I’m leaving too. It’s so hard being here and not having Huck around. I need a fresh start too,” I told her.

  I left then, promising to keep in touch, knowing that would probably not happen. People promise, and probably mean it at the time, but keeping in contact long distance was something that most people just weren’t very good at. Especially me. I knew it was most likely the last time I would see her. I would remember her forever though. She was the mother of the best guy I had ever known and I named my daughter after her own daughter. That made her family special to me.

  I’m ashamed to admit it, but it didn’t take me long to find my old friends and get back into my old drug habits. They were all still in the same place, the ones that were still alive anyway, so they weren’t hard to find. At first, I just wanted to be with people that knew me, and actually liked me. It was such a welcome change from the horrible people I had been living with for the last year. I got pretty good at hiding out too. I didn’t want my parents to find out I was nearby, so I stayed indoors mostly, hanging out with people they didn’t know.

  I really didn’t intend on using drugs, had actually told myself that I wouldn’t. But I did. I fell right back into the same old thing. It was such an idiotic thing to do. I know that now. I knew it then. I just didn’t care enough to do anything about it. My life had completely fallen apart. It was such a reckless life that I was leading and I felt there was no way out.

  Whenever I was sober, and had time to think about my daughter, I just lost it. She was growing up without me and it was all my fault. I allowed it to happen. All of it. I know I was young, but that’s no excuse for stupidity. I didn’t have to be a victim. However, I let it happen anyway. I let Violet manipulate me. I let Adam seduce me. I let Sarah take my baby and pass her off as her own. I let all of it happen and I was the only one to blame. The only time my mind was at rest from all of those horrible thoughts was when I was high. It was my only solace from reality.

  I had friends, I guess. They sort of came and went over time. Some got out of the lifestyle and some died. Most of them would live like that for the rest of their lives, because no one seemed to care about helping them make a change. I seemed to be one of the people that would never get out. I knew the repercussions of what I was doing and just didn’t care. Without Madison, life was not worth living. I would never kill myself deliberately, but I knew that what I was doing would probably result in my death anyway. I wanted out so badly, but didn’t really have the drive to do it myself. So, that’s how I lived, or just existed actually, for the next two years.

  Early one morning I woke up, hungover, on a mattress that had been thrown on the floor for me in a crappy apartment that wasn’t even mine. There were several people passed out around me. So pathetic. I just laid there for several minutes, taking in the scene. What was I doing? I couldn’t live like that anymore. I would die if I kept it up, that was a fact. As I lay there, my thoughts drifted to my daughter, as they inevitably did, and as I realized what day it was, overwhelming sadness washed over me. That’s the moment that I decided ‘today is the day’. It was the day that I was going to get my life back on track. It was Madison’s second birthday and I decided at that moment that I was going to be a better person. I had not seen or heard anything about her in all that time, and now I wanted things to be different.

  It took some time, but I found a rehab facility that would take me for free. It was a government sponsored program to help get people off the streets and get them started on a better life. I vowed that it would be the last time I ever did any type of drug, and the last time a rehab facility would see my face. Those were the most horrible weeks of my life, but I got through them. I survived somehow. Once my head and body were clear of everything, I needed a life plan. What was I going to do? Where would I get a job, a place to live, a life? Would Madison be a part of any of that?

  Once I was clearheaded and out of rehab, the facility helped me get a job. It wasn’t much, just a cashier at a restaurant, but it was a start. I worked hard and thought that maybe one day I could be the chef there. A pipe dream, probably. I worked for a few weeks to save up some money, before I decided to move forward with my plan.

  Chapter 31

  I decided that I wanted my daughter back with me. It was time and I was tired of messing around and letting people manipulate me. Things needed to change. I didn’t know exactly how I was going to accomplish my goal of getting Madison back, but I had to try. I borrowed a friend’s car and drove to the ranch with just one goal in mind. How I hoped I wouldn’t end up in jail after all was said and done.

  I drove right up to the front door of the ranch and walked into the house without knocking. What was the point in announcing myself first by knocking on the door? They would have never let me in. I figured the best place to find Adam was in the library and that’s exactly where he was. Funny how things never change. He looked up from his desk as I walked in. It took just a couple of seconds for recognition to register on his face. He scowled immediately. I didn’t care. Then his eyes darted to something on the floor. I followed his gaze. That’s when I saw her. My daughter, Madison. She was sitting on the floor coloring in a book, with the nanny sitting nearby. She looked up and smiled at me. She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Emotion just washed over me, and I quickly realized that tears were streaming down my face.

  “Please take her to the nursery,” Adam instructed the nanny, as he got up and walked around his desk in an obvious attempt to stop me from doing anything.

  There was no need for me to argue. I knew that would be futile. I just stood there watching her as she was carried out, waving to me as she went. I smiled and waved back. He stood and watched me intently until they left. He probably thought I was going to grab her and run. I would never do that. She didn’t know me and scaring her was the last thing I wanted to do that day.

  Once they were out the door, he started in on me. “Abbey, why are you here? I never expected to see your face again,” he told me bluntly as he went back and sat down behind his desk.

  I snapped out of it and turned to face him, wiping my face with the sleeve of my shirt.

  “Nice to see you too. How have you been Adam?” a little sarcastic, perhaps, but I was hoping to break the ice before the real conversation began.

  “Abbey. What do you want?” I guess he wasn’t going to play along.

  “I want to talk to you about Madison. I want her back. Or at least joint custody.”

  I wasn’t stupid enough to think that Adam would just hand her over, no questions asked. Joint custody was fair. Even after everything, I wanted to be fair. Besides, no judge would take her from the only parents she’s ever known and give her to a stranger, biological mother or not.

  “You have got to be kidding me.”

  “Adam, she’s my daughter. I’m older now. I have a job and can take care of her. Please, can’t we just talk about it?” I pleaded. “I just want to try and work this out, like adults.”

  “Absolutely not.” He didn’t even hesitate. It sounded like a final answer to me, and I’m sure that’s the way he meant it.

  “Adam, please, be reasonable. She has a right to know her mother, doesn’t she?” I tried my best not to sound like I was begging, but it probably sounded that way anyway.

  “She knows her mother. Sarah is her mother.” He certainly wasn’t backing down. Not that I expected him to.

  “I know. I’m sure Sarah is good to her, but shouldn’t she know the truth? Do you want her to find out later by accident? At some point she will find out.”

  “Abbey,” he said seriously as he walked around from behind his desk again and stood right in front of me, “let me be perfectly clear. You need to leave right now, and if I ever see you again, I will kill you myself.” He said it slowly and methodically.

  I believed that he would carry out his threat if I didn’t do as he said. I m
ay have once loved him, but not this person. Not this version of him. He terrified me. I didn’t say a word to him. I just turned around and walked out. I would have to figure something else out. I’m sure Adam was convinced that that was the last he was going to see of me. It wasn’t. I just wasn’t sure exactly what my next move would be.

  Then the strangest thing happened. As I was walking past one of the many rooms in the house, toward the front door, someone reached out and tugged my shirt. It made me jump. I turned to see Sarah holding up her index finger to her lips, shushing me. Against my better judgment I followed her into the room. She closed the door behind us and we walked to the far end of the room to talk.

  Still keeping her voice low, she said to me, “I saw you come in. Why are you here?”

  “I came to talk to Adam about joint custody of Madison. Why are we whispering?”

  “Obviously I don’t want anyone to hear. I have a proposition for you,” she replied.

  This ought to be good.

  “I will give you a lot of money if you come back later and kidnap Madison.”

  Then she stood there waiting for my reaction.

  “What? Are you serious? Why would you do that?” I was thoroughly confused by her offer.

  “I know this sounds harsh, but the truth is that I don’t want to raise someone else’s child. It just isn’t the same as having my own. Besides, Adam dotes on her and pretty much ignores me. I hate her for that. I hate Madison and all that she represents: his affair with you and the fact that he was in love with you, and how he was able to have a child with you and not me. I know it’s harsh, but I just can’t help the way I feel. If I can get rid of her, things will change around here.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I thought that she finally lost her mind. I stood there trying to process what she had said, what she had offered.