Homicide and Hot Tubs

by Annabel Chase

  “You are very pretty,” he said.

  “See? I told you.” I clasped his hand and started walking. “Let’s go back to my house. I’m dead now, so it’s cool.” I glanced over my shoulder. “Can we get STIs here?”

  He released my hand. “As much as I appreciate the offer, I’m not going home with you.”

  “But this is my welcome party. Don’t you want to be the first to welcome me properly?”

  He cupped my cheek. “Eloise, it’s not a good idea. I’m happy to escort you home and make you sure you get inside safely, but then I’m going back to my house.”

  Despite my desire to remain cool and collected, I began to pout. “You’re not interested?” I squinted. “Huh. I really thought we had a connection. My bad.”

  “How about I drive you home? My scooter is parked about a block away.”

  I waved him off. “No, thanks. I want to stay here and enjoy my party.”

  Cole fixed those baby blues on me and I wanted to melt into a puddle right on the freshly cut lawn. “So we’re good?”

  “You think I’m going to resent you for shooting me down? Dude, if I resented every guy who rejected me, I’d be a bitter hag by now. I’d be Miss Havisham.” I gripped the fabric of his shirt. “Have you ever read Great Expectations? I had to read it in high school and college. I was like, teachers, there are a million authors out there. Do we have to keep dipping into the same white man well?”

  Without warning, he took my face in his hands and pressed his lips to my forehead. “You are truly one of a kind, Eloise.”

  “Literally. Only human here, remember?” I gave him a mock wave.

  “I’m heading out,” he said. “Are you sure you’re okay to stay?”

  “Gia’s here. She’ll make sure I get home. She’s such a mom.” I laughed and then snorted. “Which is really ironic because both my moms sucked in my other life. Apparently, I have to die to level up in the parent department.” I paused. “Man, I’m sorry. I forgot you died and ended up in the same place as your absentee dad. I think that might be worse.”

  His expression softened. “Have a good night, Eloise. Don’t forget to take your hangover potion.”

  “One step ahead of you. I asked that disc in my kitchen to remind me. It’s like Alexa but without the creepy voice.”

  I sauntered away from Cole to seek out more partygoers. It wasn’t officially a party until I danced on a table. I passed by what I assumed were fire demons as they played a game of catch on the lawn with fireballs.

  “You going to the hot tub?” someone asked.

  He was too blurry to see clearly. He might’ve had horns. Or a weird hat.

  “Hot tub sounds perfect,” I declared to no one in particular.

  “It’s in that nook around the corner,” he said.

  I staggered forward. “I could use a hot tub. I am surprisingly tense for a dead person.”

  Gia appeared in front of me, blocking my path. “You’re not wearing a swimsuit.”

  I swatted her arm. “So what? This is Divine Place. To swim in the nude is divine. Who needs swimwear?”

  “Um, you do,” Gia said. “You’re not a nymph in the woods during a ritual. You’re a human at a welcome party.”

  “I’m wearing a dress with a bra and underwear.” At least I was pretty sure I was wearing underwear. Sometimes I went commando. “I’ll be fine.” I spun around in search of the elusive hot tub. It wasn’t easy to find, tucked away around a corner of a building. All the better if I planned a dip in my undergarments.

  It was occupied when I arrived, but only with one other guy. I didn’t think he’d mind company. After all, the party was for me. I should at least get to simmer in a tub of my own filth if I so choose.

  The hot tub was bubbling and a cloud of steam evaporated into the air above it. As I lifted my leg to climb over the side, I noticed red welts on the guy’s body. I planted my foot back on the ground.

  “Hey, buddy. I think maybe you’ve spent enough time in the hot tub.” I thumped his shoulder with more force than intended and he began to fall forward. I grabbed him and tried to push him back into place. “I’m getting a serious Weekend at Bernie’s vibe from you right now.” The guy had to be more drunk than I was and that was saying something.

  As I released him, my hand skimmed the surface of the bubbling water and I yowled in pain, snatching my arm to my side. Even drunk, I knew that water was far too hot to be submerging my body in it.

  Then I noticed the blood.

  “Oh, wow. Hey bud, I think you hit your head. Listen, I get it. I’ve been there. I once sliced my arm with a bottle opener when I was drunk and out of beer. I woke up in the ER where the pain meds were actually much better than the alcohol so really it all worked out.”

  I moved to stand behind him and tried to pull him out by the shoulders. My foot knocked against something hard and I stumbled. I glanced down to see a small ceramic object. I picked it up to examine it in the dim light. It was painted green and had a monstrous face.

  “Cute. A tiki statue.” I dropped it back on the ground, narrowly missing my own toe. A woman rounded the corner and I beckoned her forward. “Perfect timing. I need help getting this guy out of the hot tub. It’s so hot that I think his skin is melting.” That’d be a lawsuit right there.

  The woman gaped at the scene, her body rigid.

  “I know, right? Some people can’t handle their alcohol. Pretty sure he needs a healer, unless he has a skin condition. What’s that tall drink of vodka called with the magic hands?” I snapped my fingers. “Brenda? Birdie?”

  The woman didn’t answer me. Instead, she let loose a scream that would’ve brought down Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. She rushed forward and awkwardly threw her arms around his neck, careful not to touch the water.

  “He’s pretty out of it,” I said, “but I think we can get him out if we pull together. He’ll be able to sleep it off on the lawn.” I’d done that more times than I could count. My neighbors probably knew the exact number. According to their secret Facebook group, they kept a running tally.

  She stared at me with a pained expression. “He’s not out of it. He’s out of here.”

  “Right. As soon as we pull him out.”

  She closed her eyes in exasperation. “He isn’t unconscious, you nitwit. He’s gone.”

  Slowly, I turned to study him. The bloody head. The burned body. The lack of movement.

  The Weekend at Bernie’s vibe had been spot on. I swallowed hard. I’d only been here a short time and I’d been discovered with yet another obliterated villager. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to get a reputation—and not the good kind that got me invited to parties.

  Tears erupted from the woman’s eyes. “He’s been obliterated.”

  “Oh no,” I whispered. “Not again.”

  Chapter Three

  When I awoke the next morning, I felt pretty good, probably because I’d set a reminder to take the hangover potion before I fell asleep. It also helped that I had the foresight to schedule a massage and a facial at the spa today. I knew myself well enough to provide the appropriate pampering after a party. I looked over to see Mischief curled up next to me, purring softly.

  “Well, at least I didn’t sleep alone last night,” I said to the Siamese cat.

  I bolted upright in bed, as the memory of my conversation with Cole came flooding back to me. I slapped my hands over my face, silently mortified. Did I…hit on Cole? Even worse, did he turn me down?

  I glanced at the cat. “Mischief, I think I really screwed this one up.”

  Mischief didn’t bother to lift her head. She was accustomed to my tales of woe—never mind that they were almost always of my own creation.

  I closed my eyes and attempted to piece together the fragments of the party. From what I recalled, I’d tried to convince Cole to come home with me and he’d rebuffed my advances. My head flopped back against the pillow as the rest of the evening’s events came crashing down on me.
/>   “I should probably mention there was another dead body,” I told the cat. “You know, the final death kind. Brigit took him to the healer’s office.” Which seemed absurd, given that the jinni wasn’t capable of being healed, even by the Celtic goddess of healing. His body would disappear sometime over the next forty-eight hours, which meant I was going to have to work fast to preserve any physical evidence. By ‘fast,’ I meant right after my spa appointment. I couldn’t cancel or I’d have to pay a penalty. Spa policy.

  I turned to the cat and laughed, the sound muffled against my pillow. “Mischief, I’m saying things in my head about preserving evidence, like I have any clue what I’m doing.”

  The cat meowed in response.

  “I know. It is ridiculous.” Maybe Hera would decide to appoint someone else as marshal now that obliteration was becoming a trend. Despite the fact that she disliked the presence of an unexplained human on her turf, Madam President ran a tight ship over at the HOA. The governing organization of Divine Place liked the afterlife to be neat, tidy, and highly regulated. That all fell by the wayside when I plunged to the ground, my fall cushioned by an obliterated Zeus. Hera initially seemed to think I was responsible and tasked me with identifying the culprit, or else I’d be obliterated as the guilty party.

  At the thought of the word ‘party,’ I groaned.

  I rolled to the side and beat the pillow with a fist. “Cole is my deputy and now there’s a case to solve. Why did I think it was smart to hit on him? He’s a freakin’ demigod.”

  Mischief stretched, seemingly unconcerned. She’d seen me at my worst, of course, and this wasn’t it.

  “I’m going to have to work on this investigation by myself,” I said. That meant examining the body for evidence of the cause of death. As I had no experience in this area, I was going to need a few pointers. I seemed to recall someone telling me that I could get a television and watch any show I wanted. Normally, I’d settle down for a Bravo bingefest, but this was for work. I’d have to figure out which show was the most realistic for autopsies. That probably ruled out any alien autopsy episodes, as awesome as those shows were.

  “What do you think, Mischief? CSI?” But which city? Decisions, decisions. I flipped back the sheet and climbed out of bed. I’d already left the blanket in a heap at the base of the bed, likely due to a middle-of-the-night hot flash. The Tundra potion was helpful, but it didn’t eradicate them completely. The nighttime ones seemed especially impervious to magic.

  I showered and dressed before making my way to the spa. I decided to stop by Jolt, the coffee shop, for a pick-me-up before my treatments. Somehow, a coffee run made my life here feel a tad more normal. Forget that I wasn’t a real marshal, I wasn’t a supernatural, and I wasn’t alive.

  Jolt was surprisingly crowded and it seemed that a lot of supernaturals were sporting hangovers this morning. At least that suggested my party had been a success, despite the obliteration. I needed props wherever I could get them.

  “Hey, you’re Eloise,” the barista said. Her skin was tinged with blue and two dainty horns emerged from her head. “Your party was seriously excellent last night.”

  “Thanks, I’d love to take credit, but my neighbor handled the details. She may look like a PTA treasurer, but she knows how to organize Jell-O shots by alcohol intensity.”

  The barista cracked a wide smile. “When you jumped up on the bar and demanded that we bow down and worship you like the goddess you are…” She started laughing until tears sprang to her eyes. “I thought some of the gods and goddesses were going to extinguish you from existence right there and then. It was amazing.”

  Hmm. I didn’t remember that part of the evening. It definitely sounded like me though. “I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.”

  “If you ever have another party, please invite me,” she said. “What would you like this morning? It’s on the house.”

  “Oh, wow. That’s really nice of you, thanks.”

  The barista shrugged. “It’s not like I own the place. I love giving away free stuff. I’d do it all the time if I knew I wouldn’t get caught.”

  I beamed. “Are we soul sisters? Because I feel like we might be.”

  I’d intended to take my coffee to go, but I was digging the energy here, so I decided to hang out for a few minutes and soak up the ambience. I planted myself in a chair by the door where I could observe everyone in the room from a safe distance.

  “Nice to see you again, marshal.” Yolanda wiped down the empty table next to mine to get it ready for the next customer. I’d met the vampire during my last visit here. “Rumor has it that you’ll be busy today.”

  “Ooh, that reminds me.” I fished my badge out of my purse and pinned it to my shirt. “This is the equivalent of putting on my thinking cap.” It felt so odd to be working in the afterlife in a position I was ill-equipped to handle. I’d had a wide variety of job experience in my mortal life from customer service to sales to data entry, but definitely not law enforcement. I’d say stranger things have happened, but they probably haven’t.

  “You’ll need more than a thinking cap to figure out what happened to Akwan,” Yolanda said.

  “That’s the victim’s name?” I asked.

  She tilted her head, studying me. “You don’t know his name?”

  I shifted uncomfortably. “I’m sure I heard it, but you know how it goes.” Especially when you’re drunk and the victim’s girlfriend is screaming in your ear.

  “I really don’t. How can you look into his obliteration if you don’t know his name?”

  I bristled. “It’s not like I would’ve conducted an entire investigation without learning his name,” I said, although I probably would if I could get away with it. Learning names was hard. “Did you know him?”

  “A little,” the vampire said. “He came in here sometimes, usually with someone else. He wasn’t a big coffee and tea drinker. He usually got a flavored water.”

  “Were you at my party?” I asked.

  “No, I was here.”

  “Jolt is open that late?” I asked.

  “We serve all kinds of supernaturals,” she said. “Not everyone operates on a daylight schedule.”

  That made sense. “I don’t suppose you have any idea who’d want to off Awkward.”

  “Akwan.”

  “That’s what I said.” I flashed an engaging smile and sipped my coffee. “You missed a good time.”

  “Other than his obliteration.” She finished wiping down the table and tucked the dirty cloth into her apron.

  “Well, obviously not that. Thankfully, I was too drunk to really succumb to the horror of it.”

  “I hope it was the same for Akwan. Poor guy.” Yolanda moved on to another table and I decided to make a break for it. I’d wanted to observe, not chitchat. Now I was a target for social interaction. Maybe the badge was a bad idea. It made me too easily recognizable, although everyone seemed to know me as the human anyway. Apparently, I smelled and not in a Febreze way. At least the spa would be peaceful. If I got a chatty masseuse, I could just pretend to be asleep. It was too hard to do that in the middle of a coffee shop.

  Divine Spa was only a block from Jolt, so I managed to arrive on time for my appointments.

  “Welcome to Divine Spa, Miss Worthington,” the fairy receptionist greeted me. I loved places that knew your name when you’ve never been there before. It always made me feel like a celebrity without the trappings—or the money. “We’ll be starting with your facial today.”

  “Awesome. I need the works. You can drive a Hummer through my pores right now.”

  “Then you’re in the right place. Amie will be with you in a few minutes.”

  She directed me through the lobby to a stark white room with a small waterfall cascading down the far wall. The atmosphere was very clinic-meets-Zen. I climbed into the reclining chair with its gleaming silver frame and was pleased to find that it was more comfortable than it looked.

  Amie turned out to be a pretty water ny
mph with thighs that could crack a walnut. I only noticed this because she was wearing white shorts that barely covered her butt. If it weren’t for her bright red lipstick, she could have easily blended with the white background. She delivered a tray of lotions, tonics, and sliced cucumber, as well as a tall glass of cucumber water that shimmered with colorful light.

  “Close your eyes and I’ll get started,” Amie said.

  I did as instructed and felt the cool slices of cucumber cover my eyelids. The sensation was soothing. She rubbed a thin liquid all over my face, kneading my sore muscles in the process. It felt amazing.

  “We need to let this absorb into your skin,” Amie said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes to apply the next layer.”

  “Thanks.” I shifted in the chair to get more comfortable. If I wasn’t careful, I could fall asleep in here. The sound of the waterfall was incredibly relaxing and I was still tired from my late night. Forty-seven couldn’t party like twenty-seven, dead or alive.

  After a few minutes of blissful calm, I sensed movement in the room. “Hey, Amie. I wouldn’t object to a little hair of the dog. Maybe a gin and tonic,” I said. “That shimmer water is pretty to look at, but I’ve got to be honest, it looks better than it tastes.”

  “Hera would like to see you,” a voice said.

  I lifted a cucumber slice from one eye. “You’re not Amie.”

  “No, I couldn’t begin to compete with her.” Barney stood at the base of my chair. The young mage had conducted my Divine Place orientation and worked for the HOA.

  “Then why are you interrupting my spa day?”

  “Madam President wishes to speak with you.” Barney fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, clearly feeling awkward. Good. Served him right for interrupting my relaxation efforts.

  “Is this about the hot tub incident?”

  “I believe it is,” he said.

  “Tell her you couldn’t find me.” I replaced the cucumber slice.

  “I’m a mage, Miss Worthington,” he said. “It’s my job to figure out such things.”