Homicide and Hot Tubs

by Annabel Chase

  I flicked a finger. “Trust me. She’s been working with you long enough to know that your work is mediocre at best.”

  “Be that as it may, she has entrusted me to bring you forth…”

  “The only thing I want brought forth is the moisture in my dehydrated skin.” I sat up and let both cucumbers fall onto my lap. “Can’t it wait until after my appointment? I still have a massage after this and my muscles are really sore from dancing on bars. The hot tub would’ve helped, but you know how that turned out.”

  Barney pressed his lips together and shook his head with vigor. “When Madam President says now, she means now. I wouldn’t advise going against her wishes.”

  “I haven’t eaten either.” I lifted one of the cucumber slices from my lap and took a bite.

  “I’ll wait for you out front then, shall I?”

  “I need an escort? What’s the big deal? It’s not like I’m under arrest.”

  “She asked me to escort you so that you wouldn’t be distracted along the way.”

  “I’m not a dog. I’m not going to be waylaid by the sight of a squirrel.” To be fair, Mischief would probably change course for a squirrel too. “Can I at least get a gin and tonic to go?”

  “I’ll be outside.” Barney slipped out of the room and I reluctantly swung my legs to the side and slid down from the chair.

  “This sucks,” I grumbled. Not only was I abandoning my coveted spa appointment, but I’d be expected to go straight to work. I mean, I was planning on starting the investigation today. I just wanted to keep my commitment to the spa. What if they blacklisted me as someone who cancels on the same day? It wasn’t as though I could travel to the next town over for spa treatments. I’d be stuck with dry skin and large pores for eternity.

  I made my apologies to the front desk and they assured me there’d be no repercussions. I told them to blame Hera and they seemed content with that directive.

  “How’ve you been, Barney?” I asked, on our way to the HOA office.

  “Excellent. I’ve been working on a new orientation introduction.”

  “Are all mages as exciting as you?” I asked.

  “Not by a long shot,” he said, entirely serious.

  “Were you at my party?” I didn’t recall seeing the mage in the mix of supernaturals.

  “No, I’m too socially awkward for parties, I’m afraid. I end up asking the most inappropriate questions when I’m nervous.”

  I bumped him with my shoulder. “Now you definitely need to show up for the next one.” I could have a lot of fun with Barney in a crowd.

  He guided me through the sprawling HOA building until we reached Hera’s office, where he motioned for me to enter. The goddess sat behind her desk in an office that screamed Palm Beach socialite. Her frosted brown hair was pulled into a sophisticated twist with nary a loose hair in sight. She wore a pearl necklace and a soft pink sweater with short sleeves and a scoop neckline.

  “Thank you, Barney. Good morning, Miss Worthington,” she said.

  “I guess you’ve heard about the shenanigans,” I said.

  “If by ‘shenanigans,’ you mean the obliteration of one of our own, then yes.” She threaded her fingers together and gave me a stern look. “I’ve definitely heard.”

  I held up my hands. “Hey, I had nothing to do with this one either. I didn’t even know he was gone. How do you think I felt? I was all set for a relaxing dip in the hot tub and…”

  She raised her eyebrows. “I didn’t invite you here to discuss your feelings, Miss Worthington. Despite the comfortable office, I’m not a therapist.”

  I slumped in my seat. “Probably for the best. I never stuck with one therapist for very long. They all seemed to think I was a raging narcissist, no matter how much I insisted they were describing my mother.” I cocked my head. “Do you know anything about my mother? I guess not, since I wasn’t supposed to end up here.” Hera gave me a patient look and I quickly got the hint. “Right. We’re not here to talk about me. It’s all about Aquaman, isn’t it?”

  “Akwan.”

  “That’s what I said.”

  Her fingers danced along the pearls of her necklace. “Miss Worthington, as you are the marshal in Divine Place, I expect that you’ll be handling this case in an expedient fashion.”

  I kicked my feet up and rested them on the corner of Hera’s desk. “Fine, I’ll expedient the hell out of this case, but I’m going to need my own office.”

  The goddess waved her hand in annoyance, motioning for me to remove my feet from the desk. “I’ll have Randolph locate the appropriate space for your needs.”

  Well, that was easier than I thought. I expected an argument about budgets and a new work-from-home policy. Who said bureaucracy was challenging?

  The door opened and I tipped back my head to see Cole’s muscular body framed in the doorway. Terrific.

  I dropped my gaze to Hera. “Who invited Demi Moore?”

  “Demigod,” he corrected me.

  “Same thing,” I said. “I mean, did you see her in Striptease? That body was otherworldly.” I ignored the knot tightening in my stomach as Cole moved further into the room. Of all the HOAs in all the realms, he had to stroll into mine. Granted, he was here first, but still.

  “Cole is your deputy, Miss Worthington, or has the massive quantity of alcohol you consumed last night erased some of your memories?”

  Now that would’ve been a welcome result.

  Cole took the seat beside me, keeping his eyes on Hera. “I missed the unfortunate event last night. I’d already gone home to bed.”

  “What a surprise,” Hera said. Her sharp gaze could wither a Viagra-strength erection.

  “The real surprise is that he left his house at all.” I longed to snatch back the words the second they left my mouth, but too late. They were already out there.

  Hera wore an amused expression. “You seem to have figured him out rather quickly. I suppose that shouldn’t come as a shock. He’s not that complex, really.”

  “Men usually aren’t. Am I right?” I held up my hand for a high-five, but Hera’s tight expression forced me to lower it.

  “Do we have any information on the obliteration?” Cole asked.

  “The victim is Akwan.” Hera consulted the file on her desk. “An unmarried jinni in a relationship with a witch.”

  “Yeah, I met her,” I said. “She’s the one whose scream was so high-pitched that the werewolves started howling.”

  “Can you blame her?” Cole asked.

  I wrinkled my nose. “He did look pretty disgusting. His skin was peeling off and…” Hera breathed in through her nose in a way that made me stop mid-sentence. “You don’t want to hear the gory details?”

  “I’ll leave those to you, Marshal Worthington,” she said.

  I angled my head. “You’re a goddess. You’ve probably seen thousands of gross things in your lifetime.” Including Zeus in a banana hammock.

  “None that I wish to revisit,” she said primly.

  It occurred to me that I should stop by Brigit’s office to check on the body. I might be able to pawn off cause-of-death duty on the Celtic goddess of healing. Even though she didn’t have autopsy experience, she had more familiarity with supernatural bodies.

  Randolph poked his head in the doorway. “I’ve located an office space for the marshal.”

  “Excellent. Thank you.”

  I gaped in disbelief. “When did you ask Randolph to do that?”

  Hera tapped the disc on her desk. “I didn’t need to tell him. He heard us.” She extended an arm. “Why don’t you follow him and see the desk where you’re free to put up your feet?”

  Hardy har. That was the closest Hera had come to a joke and it was at my expense.

  “An office? Do I need to work there too?” Cole asked.

  “I expect you wouldn’t,” Hera said. She handed me the file. “Take this. You and Cole can review it in your own time, but I’d like a report by the end of the week. Naturall
y, villagers are upset by this latest development.”

  “You want to calm the masses, huh?” I asked.

  “Two villagers have been extinguished from existence since your arrival,” Hera said. “It’s unnerving, to say the least.”

  “Technically, Zeus was already dead when I arrived,” I said. His girlfriend, Donna, had obliterated him with a kiss of death not long before I landed on him in the cricket field. In a hot dog suit. It may not have been my finest hour, but it was certainly my most dramatic entrance—and that included my mother’s fiftieth birthday party when I chopped through the door with an axe because I thought the house was on fire.

  “Still, it seems that your arrival here has…stirred things up,” Hera said. “The sooner we can reassure villagers that the afterlife is back to normal, the better.”

  “Let’s go, Randolph.” I placed both hands on the side of my chair and pushed my aching body to its feet. Although I’d taken a hangover cure to prevent a headache, the rest of my body didn’t seem to get the memo. When I reached the doorway, a thought occurred to me and I turned back to Hera. “What’s my budget?”

  The goddess frowned. “For what?”

  “My office,” I said. “I’ll need supplies. Everybody with a desk needs a stapler. And I’m sure redecoration is in order. It’s unlikely the former occupant will share my taste for cat posters and excessive amounts of Scotch tape.”

  Hera ignored me. Instead, her gaze flitted to Cole. “As I said, you’ll want to go along and review the file with her.”

  Reluctantly, the demigod moved to a standing position. He seemed as enthusiastic as me about working together again. Just as I thought, I managed to frighten him away with my drunken flirtation—just like I did with the mailman.

  Together we followed Randolph down the corridor. We turned at the end and went all the way down to a back stairwell.

  “Am I upstairs?” I asked.

  “No.” Randolph opened the door under the stairwell. “You’re right here.”

  I peered into the dark space. “Isn’t this for janitor supplies?”

  “Not anymore,” Randolph said.

  I flicked on the light. “You’ll need to remove the buckets and mops if you want me to believe that.” It didn’t look as though anyone had been in here for years. “When’s the last time the janitor used a mop from here?”

  “Oh, we haven’t used this space for a long time,” Randolph said. “That’s why it makes sense for you to have it.”

  “So I’m the Harry Potter of Divine Place?” I asked.

  Randolph looked thoughtful. “More like reverse Harry Potter because you’re a human and not at all special. It would be like Dudley living in a closet in Diagon Alley.”

  I glared at him. “That’s not helpful, Randolph.”

  Behind me, Cole stifled a laugh. “It’s not so terrible,” the demigod said. “You’ll be able to keep the place clean without much effort.”

  I folded my arms. “At least I have an office.”

  Randolph seemed to sense the tension. “And a desk,” he added hastily. “I was able to pinch it from the Gods Complex.”

  A closer look at the desk revealed that it was, in fact, a smaller version of a ping pong table. “Why isn’t this regulation size?”

  Randolph laughed nervously. “It was designed for some of the smaller villagers like dwarfs and leprechauns.”

  “Won’t they miss it?” I asked.

  “They were banned from ping pong last month,” he said. “The games were getting too competitive. Leprechauns can be vindictive losers.” He tapped on the doorframe. “I’ll leave you to it then. Let me know if you need anything.”

  “How about I give you a list now?” I asked.

  The elf pretended not to hear me. He turned and started walking away at a brisk pace, whistling as he went.

  Cole and I stared at each other for an awkward moment. I cleared my throat and opened the file. “I guess I should take a look at this.”

  “We don’t have to avoid each other, Eloise,” he said.

  “No, but it would be nice.” Inwardly, I cringed. “I’m still feeling rough from last night.”

  He considered me for a moment. “Okay then. I’ll give you a little time to recover.”

  “Thanks, I’d appreciate it.”

  Without another word, he ducked out of the office and disappeared. I stared at the empty doorway, feeling mildly nauseous. I didn’t mind confrontation when emotions weren’t involved, but one like this…Let’s just say I wasn’t a fan. As his words played over in my head, I knew it was going to take more than a little time to recover from his rejection. In fact, it might just take an eternity.

  Chapter Four

  Apparently, I’d dozed off at some point during my review of Akwan’s file because a loud knock nearly catapulted me out of my chair. My eyes popped open to see a head appear in the doorway. It took me a second to focus, but I quickly realized the head belonged to Akwan’s girlfriend, the woman with the high-pitched scream from my party.

  “Am I interrupting anything?” she asked, ducking her head and stepping hesitantly across the threshold.

  “No, just me making myself at home.” No better way to do that than a nap.

  Her eyes darted around the dark and cramped interior. “Are you the janitor and the marshal?”

  “You would think so, wouldn’t you?” I waved a hand. “There are no small jobs. Only small offices.”

  “I’m Linzy, Akwan’s girlfriend.” She looked around for somewhere to sit. Her gaze alighted on a bucket, so she flipped it upside down and sat. Women who could improvise were my people.

  “I guess you’re here to ask about my progress with the investigation,” I said.

  She blew a strand of auburn hair off her forehead. “Actually, I came to help with the investigation.”

  Here to help? I liked her better by the second. “Oh, that’s great. I’ll take all the help I can get.” Especially given that I was trying to keep Cole at arm’s length. “Is there anybody you want to throw under the bus?”

  Linzy cocked her head. “I’m not sure what that means, but I came to confess. I’m responsible for his obliteration.”

  I scrutinized the witch’s smattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose and her earnest hazel eyes. I considered myself a pretty good judge of character and there was no way Linzy could have obliterated her boyfriend. I slotted my fingers together on the desk the way I’d seen Hera do in an effort to appear more official. “What makes you think you’re responsible, Linzy?”

  The whole slotted fingers routine seemed to work because Linzy rose to her feet and said, “It doesn’t feel right to be sitting on a bucket for a confession. I think I’ll stand.”

  “You do whatever makes you comfortable,” I said. “I’ll be right here listening and taking copious notes.” I glanced around awkwardly for a pad of paper and a pen. Linzy began to pace in front of me. Well, she tried to pace, but there was so little room in the closet that she was really just turning around with each step. I worried that she would make herself dizzy before too long.

  “I may have put something his drink at the party.”

  I peered at her. “Something as in drugs? Honey, relax. We’ve all been there.”

  “No, you don’t understand. I think it’s what killed him.”

  “Unless it was poison, I don’t think so.” I frowned. “Was it poison?” Part of me hoped she said yes so that I could wrap up this investigation and make another spa appointment.

  “Not poison. He snores a lot, you see,” she said, wringing her hands as she continued to swivel. “I’ve had so much trouble sleeping that I’ve been exceptionally cranky.”

  I was no stranger to cranky—sleep deprivation not required.

  “The saxophone is bad enough,” she continued. “He plays all the time and it gives me a headache, if I’m being honest. I can only stand it for about an hour before the sound gets to me.”

  “Couldn’t he play when
you weren’t there?”

  She gasped. “That would’ve required telling him the truth. He loved that sax. If it were a choice between that instrument and me, I know which one he would’ve chosen.”

  “Honesty is the cornerstone of every relationship,” I said, which was probably the reason my relationships never lasted. Someone was always lying.

  “I saw the party as an opportunity to get a good night’s sleep,” she admitted. “So I waited until he’d had one drink and then I brought him another.”

  I thought of True Brew where Mitzi worked. “And what did you do? Put some kind of anti-snoring potion in his drink? How would that obliterate him?”

  She rubbed her hands over her cheeks, producing a rosy glow. That was how my skin would’ve looked if I’d been able to get a facial. Stupid investigation.

  “I didn’t use an anti-snoring potion. He tried that already and it didn’t work. This time I decided to try a sleeping potion. The heavier he slept, the less likely he was to snore. I figured if I knocked him out, then it would guarantee me a good night.”

  “How long does it take to work? Shouldn’t you have waited until he was home?”

  She shook her head and auburn waves bounced around her head like little corkscrews. “I had it all planned out. He mentioned that he was tired and so I knew he’d be going to bed within the hour. It was the perfect time to administer the potion. When I said I was going to leave, he said he’d be with me in about half an hour, that he wanted to use the hot tub first. I didn’t think it would be a problem. I’d gone home and immediately dozed off. When I woke up, I realized more than an hour had passed, so I went back to check on him and that’s when I found you both.”

  “I can see how that must’ve been a shock. I’m really sorry about your boyfriend.”

  Her hazel eyes brimmed with tears. “What will happen to me now?” she asked. “Whatever it is, I know that I deserve it.” She yanked up her chin in an adorable show of strength. If the situation weren’t so serious, I would have reached across the ping pong table to pinch her cheek.

  “I’m not sure you deserve any kind of punishment,” I said. “His head was bleeding when I found him. He didn’t get that from a sleeping potion.”