Jessica couldn’t think of what to say. “I’m sorry,” were the only words that came from her mouth. But her mind was flooded with a thousand questions. Jessica had felt one thing thinking of a beautiful young woman dying of pneumonia, but she experienced a completely different reaction hearing she had died of AIDS.
“Are you okay?” Jessica asked tentatively, feeling that the question could be taken in a non-probing way, or could lead Kyle to open up about his own state of health.
“If you mean about her death, I think so. It’s taken me a long time to get over her, but I think I finally am.” Kyle drew in a deep breath. “If you mean do I have AIDS, no. I don’t. Lindsey and I were never intimate. She got it from a football player in high school. She was fifteen; he was a senior. He chased her for a month until she finally went out with him. They went out twice. He got what he wanted on their second date and then dropped her to go out with the head cheerleader. It’s a pretty typical high school scenario. Lindsey didn’t know what was going on. She was so innocent. She was chaste after that. But all it takes is once.”
Jessica could tell Kyle was struggling from the way his voice wavered. She reached over and held his hand lightly as he finished his story.
“I met her when she came to Glenbrooke to take care of her grandmother. We dated for four months, and then I asked her to marry me. The day after we bought her engagement ring, Lindsey received a phone call from this guy. He was in the hospital in Spokane, and he told her he had AIDS and was trying to contact every girl he had slept with. I imagine the list was rather long. He told her he was sorry. He died four months after she did.”
“How awful,” Jessica said, holding Kyle’s hand a little tighter.
“I can’t believe I’m telling you this,” Kyle said. “I’ve never told anyone. No one. Not even my mother.”
“I’m glad you’re telling me,” Jessica said softly. She remembered what Kyle had said to her that afternoon when she told him to leave her alone. “I think I understand now why you said secrets get heavier the longer you carry them. I’m glad you’re not carrying this all alone anymore.”
“This isn’t public information, though,” Kyle said, leaning forward. “I need you to keep this confidential, Jessica. It would shock too many people if they knew the truth.”
“And it probably wouldn’t do too much for your reputation either, would it?”
Kyle pulled his hand away.
“I’m sorry,” Jessica said quickly. “That didn’t come out the way I meant it. You have a lot of friends in Glenbrooke, and people look up to you. A stigma comes with AIDS. People might look at you differently if they knew.”
“Do you?”
“No.” She reached for his hand again. “Kyle, I know this whole thing had to be unbelievably difficult for you, and I know all about carrying heavy secrets. Knowing this doesn’t change my opinion of you. Honest. It makes me admire you even more for all you’ve gone through.” She paused. “May I ask you something?”
“Okay.”
“What if you knew you could save someone’s life. You would do it, wouldn’t you?”
“Of course.”
“I know you would. I mean, you came to my rescue, and you took care of Mrs. Atkins. Kyle, what if you could save someone’s life, like Dawn Laughlin’s?”
“What are you getting at, Jessica?” She heard an edge of irritation in his voice.
“Dozens of young girls like Lindsey are fifteen right now. You could have such an influence on their lives that they would never have to worry about receiving a phone call when they’re nineteen.” Jessica wasn’t sure if she had overstepped her boundaries. Kyle had turned quiet, and his hand didn’t move. Jessica gave it a little squeeze and said, “I could be completely out of line here, but Kyle, if you came to my health ed class and told your story, I think it would have a profound effect on the students. All I can give them are statistics. You can give them reality.”
Kyle pulled his hand away and ran his fingers through his hair. Jessica sat back, leaning against the door. Why did you drop such a bomb on him? Now you’ve pushed him away. What a stupid thing to do, Jessica!
“I’ll think about it,” he said quietly. “You just don’t know how hard that would be.”
Gathering her courage, Jessica let her convictions all hang out. “Kyle, I think it would be harder if you found out three or four years from now that one of the guys or girls on this trip had AIDS when you had had it in your power to do something to try to prevent it.”
In the darkness Jessica sat still, listening to the chorus of vehement accusations raging in her head. Why did she have to be so outspoken all of a sudden? After weeks of controlling her tongue and her true personality, why did she have to hit Kyle with both barrels? And what right did she have to suggest someone expose his secret when she was still holding on to hers? She wouldn’t blame the guy if he pushed her out in the rain and told her to walk home.
“You’re right,” he said in a quavering voice. “I long ago passed the point in which I’m protecting Thelma or trying to honor Lindsey’s memory. I’ve been trying to protect myself.”
Chapter Eighteen
To be honest takes a lot of nerve. But to be direct and blunt borders on being nervy. Jessica couldn’t believe she had spoken to Kyle so mercilessly. She wished she would have just listened. Isn’t that what a good friend does? Be sympathetic, but don’t challenge. Don’t rock the boat. Listen and nod your understanding.
“Kyle,” she spoke in a voice barely above a whisper, “I’m sorry.” Within her was an overpowering urge to fly into his arms, to hold him close and to comfort him. She wasn’t sure what kept her on her side of the van. She was even less sure why she had challenged him to take his painful secret and wave it like a banner in front of the gentle people of Glenbrooke.
Then she thought again of Dawn, a sincerely searching young woman. One hour with the wrong guy could destroy her whole life. “I come on a little too strong sometimes. I’m sorry,” was all Jessica said.
She heard a sniff and then a cough as Kyle cleared his throat. “You don’t know what this means to me, Jess. The day I met you, the day of your accident, I was coming back from a sort of personal retreat. I went camping for three days by myself and asked the Lord for two things. First, that I would be able to get on with my life. For the past four years I’ve mourned the loss, and I haven’t been able to move on to any other relationships. Then I asked God to take all this pain and turn it into something good. I never thought of talking with teens about it. I was always so concerned about protecting Lindsey and Thelma. But you’re right. Part of me was protecting myself, too. I need to think about others, about how I can turn this into a way to help them.”
“Still,” Jessica said, feeling as if he hadn’t heard her apology, “you could have come to that conclusion without me pouncing on you so unsympathetically. I tend to be pretty goal-oriented once I get an idea in my head.”
“Don’t you see,” Kyle said, the rich, warm tones returning to his voice, “God used you to help me see it. I needed to hear your ideas. As for the sympathy, that’s all I’ve gotten from anyone in Glenbrooke for the past four years. Everyone feels sorry for me. They all say they admire me. Fine. Now let me move on!”
Just then a set of headlights came toward them. Kyle squinted and tried to see what kind of vehicle it was.
“What if it’s the robbers?” Jessica asked. She didn’t feel afraid.
“It looks like a sedan, not a truck. Could be that help has arrived.” Kyle stepped out of the truck and waved his arms over his head at the oncoming car. It had stopped raining. In the light provided by the other car, Jessica could see just how thick the mud was on the side of the road and how slushy the gravel had become. The car stopped, and Kyle spoke to the driver, pointing at both vehicles and then pointing again to the van. A few minutes later he jogged back to the van as the car drove away.
“Well?” Jessica asked.
“He’s going home and
said he would call a tow truck in the morning.”
“A village is at the end of this road?” Jessica asked.
“There must be. Even though it’s gravel, this looks like a fairly well traveled road. He invited us to stay at his house, but I told him we would rather stay here. I hope you don’t mind.”
Jessica thought of the tiny adobe houses in Nueva and the way the chickens and pigs ran freely across the dirt floors. “Good choice,” she said. “I think the van is just fine.”
“Yeah, well I wish the van was just fine enough to drive us back to the border. You know, it really gets to me when we end up having to use undependable vehicles for this trip. Two years ago we rented a van that overheated on the way down and nearly blew up.”
“Why don’t you rent different vans? Something newer, maybe.”
“Money,” Kyle said flatly. “If we had the money I’d do a lot of things differently.”
“Like what?”
“Like the vans. I’d pay the extra and go with a rental company that only had late model vehicles. And if I had the money, I’d make sure the next time we start a building project we can do it all in one trip and not make the people wait a year before we finish what we’ve begun. I’ve thought through all the things I would do—if I had more money. I’m a dreamer,” he said with a laugh.
“What’s your dream?” Jessica asked.
“Do you really want to know?”
“Yes, I do.”
“My dream is to have a million dollars. Not even a million. I could do it all with about $500,000.”
“Do what?” Jessica asked again.
She could hear the excitement in his voice. “First, I’d build an orphanage down here. Probably in Nueva. And I’d hire qualified staff to take care of the kids. Then, I’d set up a scholarship fund for teenagers. I know a lot of bright students in Glenbrooke who should be going to college, but they won’t. Their parents work at the mill or in the little shops around town, and the money isn’t there to send them to college.”
“That sounds good,” Jessica agreed.
“And if there’s any money left over, I have two good friends who are missionaries in Kenya. They live on so little. I’d like to underwrite their expenses so the mission school doesn’t shut down every few months because they’ve run out of funds.”
Jessica thought that Kyle had to be the most noble man she had ever met. To wish for half a million dollars to give it away was incredible to her.
“You know what I just realized?” Kyle said, reaching over and taking Jessica by the hand. “For the past hour or so, all we’ve done is talk about me. What about you? Tell me about Jessica.”
“What do you want to know?” She wondered if the sudden sense of guardedness showed up in her voice.
“Well, let’s start with your wishes. What would you do if you had a million dollars?”
“A million dollars?” Jessica said, tension creeping up her spine. “Um, I don’t know. Buy a house, I suppose.”
“What kind of house?”
“Just a cozy little house. One with a purple hydrangea bush in the front.”
Kyle laughed. “I tell you what. If God ever blesses me with half a million dollars, I’ll buy you a cozy little house with two purple hydrangea bushes!”
Jessica knew he was teasing, yet she felt uncomfortable even thinking about being on the receiving end of someone’s charity. Jessica laughed and hoped Kyle didn’t noticed how forced and nervous it sounded. “And if I get a million dollars, I promise I’ll buy you an orphanage, a scholarship fund, and what was the other one?”
“Kenya,” Kyle said.
“Oh, yes, I’ll buy you Kenya.”
They laughed. When the air between them turned hushed once more, Kyle leaned over and took both of Jessica’s hands in his.
“Jess,” he said firmly. She could see the serious expression on his face in the dim green light from the digital clock on the dashboard. “I know a lot has gone on for you on this trip and even before this. I’d like to think that you and I are both at a place where we can start spending time together. Would you feel comfortable with that? I’d really like to get to know you.”
“Well, I’m not really, I mean…it’s not a good…” Jessica found it impossible to say no to this man as he held her hand.
“Don’t try to answer me now. I don’t know what things you’re working through, but I’ll wait for you.” Kyle gave her hands three squeezes and then let go.
“I’ll come to your health ed class next week or whenever it works out for you. And I want you to know that I can be a pretty good listener, too. You’ve seen how deeply my secret has affected me. It’s amazing how different everything seems now that I’ve told you. I don’t know what you’re carrying around, Jessica. If ever you want someone to share the load, I want to be there for you.”
Kyle had been so honest with her, she felt she had to tell him her secret. She had to say something.
“It’s my dad,” she spouted. “I have some problems with my dad, and I need to stay away from him.”
“Can I ask what you’ve done to work things out? Do you need to call in a professional of some sort?” Kyle ventured.
Jessica shook her head. “No, my dad is surrounded by professionals. He doesn’t need another one. And he doesn’t need me. The easiest way to explain it is to say that he and I differ on how I should live my life. I have to keep my identity and my whereabouts a secret. I know that may sound like a low-budget spy movie or something, but it’s the only way I can live the kind of life I want. That’s why I changed my name to Fenton.” She felt relieved telling Kyle a few of her secrets. But she hoped he wouldn’t probe any deeper.
“By the way,” Jessica asked, “how did you find out my real last name was Morgan?”
“Ida. When I picked up the key to your house, she said Hugh had rented it to Jessica Morgan.”
Jessica felt relieved that innocent Ida had been the source of the information and not Charlotte, or Jessica’s wallet, or the luggage tag.
“So you still haven’t answered my question,” Kyle said.
“What’s that?”
“Will you go out with me? Maybe to dinner or a movie or something when we get back?”
Jessica waged war with her common sense and her softening emotions. She heard herself say, “Yes, I’d love to go out with you.”
A tow truck of sorts arrived shortly after seven o’clock and pulled the truck from the mud. Kyle and several Mexican men who stopped by the van on their way to work in the fields labored over the engine and found a wire had jiggled loose. By 7:30, with the sun breaking through the clouds and going about its task of drying up the earth, Kyle and Jessica were back on the main road, headed for Mexicali.
This time Jessica had no difficulty following the van all the way to the border, where a line of cars had already formed. They had to sit and wait along with the rest of the motorists. Insistent street vendors walked between the cars showing their wares. Everything from that day’s newspaper to pottery piggy banks paraded past Jessica’s closed truck window. Each time a vendor motioned to her, she would smile and shake her head. Jessica noticed that Kyle kept handing money out his window to salespeople, especially the children.
Several raggedly dressed boys shimmied up on Kyle’s front bumper and with dirty, wet rags attempted to wash his window. Kyle paid them and soon vendors seemed to appear at the van from out of nowhere. Jessica watched as Kyle dealt with each of them generously. Once again she found herself impressed with this man. She felt thrilled at the thought of spending time with Kyle when they got back to Glenbrooke, yet at the same time she felt guilty about starting something she knew she couldn’t finish.
The rest of the group had endured the night in their muddy clothes at the border station and were incredulous when they learned their suitcases had been stolen and they couldn’t change.
“Whose suitcases were left?” Bill asked. “Not that it matters. I kind of like the idea of boarding a pla
ne in San Diego looking and smelling like a homeless person. If I carry a cup around, I might even make some money at the airport.”
One of the bags was Teri’s, one was Jessica’s, and the third belonged to Brenda, who Jessica noticed had become rather chummy with Bill. Teri’s advice must have paid off. Jessica couldn’t help but wonder if Teri would have some advice for her once she found out that Jessica had agreed to go out with Kyle.
“So much for any of the guys borrowing clean clothes,” Bill moaned. He looked pretty grubby, but that didn’t stop Brenda from sitting next to him in the van on the way to San Diego. Jessica drove the truck again, only this time Teri joined her.
“It sounds as if you had quite a night out on the lonesome prairie,” Teri said once they were on their way to San Diego.
Jessica put together some sketchy phrases to explain she had spent the time soul searching and that she had made a commitment to Christ. Teri screamed, hugged Jessica, and bounced up and down in her seat. Tears raced down her cheeks while she laughed.
Jessica began to realize this might be a bigger, more important decision than she had initially thought. She decided to hold off telling Teri about going out with Kyle.
Teri found out soon enough, though. When they were back at school on Tuesday, trying to shake their culture shock and get back in the swing of things, Kyle stopped by Jessica’s room after school when Teri was there. He asked Jessica out to dinner on Friday night and if Wednesday afternoon would be a good time for him to come to her health ed class. When Jessica agreed to both, Teri’s eyes grew wide. Kyle offered to take Jessica home. She could tell that Teri was dying to know what was going on. Kyle dropped Jessica in front of her house without coming in, since he had to get back to the station. And, as Jessica almost could have guessed, Teri appeared on her doorstep a slim five minutes later.
“I noticed there weren’t any cars out front,” Teri said with a twinkle in her eye. “So I thought I’d stop by and see if there might possibly be anything you would like to chat about.”
Secrets Page 17
