Amish Love and Healing

by Rachel Stoltzfus

  “He may have. What did he look like? I may need to go to New Wilmington for lumber. I may try to find him.”

  “Eli, be careful! What will Annie think?”

  “She will be with me. Along with Amos. That man’s idea was right gut. But it scares me that he was so quickly able to identify you.”

  Libby had figured a few things out. “Well, our head coverings are a little different from what the women in New Wilmington wear. It was easy to pick us out.”

  “Libby, it goes beyond that. He was rude.” Amos’s heart slammed with the force of his anger. Even though he knew Katie to be guilty, he was still angry on her behalf. Hers and Libby’s. He hated feeling this way. It would be so much easier if he could stop feeling anything for Katie. But he couldn’t help feeling like in spite of the harm she was causing, she was also begging for help.

  When they had finished sharing their notes, Libby offered to walk Amos to his buggy while Eli and Annie stayed behind in the barn to take some precious time to themselves.

  Libby said, “I know I shouldn’t be saying this, but I think there’s more to Katie’s lying than just attention.”

  Amos took a breath. He felt suddenly like a great load had been lifted from his shoulders. “Ja! I think so too.” He blinked, and his face grew warm. “I know I should only still be seeing her for show, but I still...care for her. And I think something did happen to her.” Amos described how Katie would tense up when hugged or touched on the back of her neck. “That’s not normal, I don’t think.”

  “Nee, it’s not.” Libby felt sick. “Everyone just wants to send her away, but I think she does need friends. Real friends. Even if it is dangerous for us.”

  “I don’t think she’d hurt us. I mean, not really, Amos said. “Her stories are scary, but they’re mainly about warning people about danger. And her notes are always telling us to ‘get out,’ but in a way that is more like when you are cast out of a community... They made her and her parents leave Goshen, didn’t they?”

  “She accused one of her community members of something horrible. Sexually assaulting her. And he was innocent.”

  “Maybe he was, but someone did...I mean...I think...”

  Libby put a hand on Amos’s shoulder. “If someone did, we need to find out who and get justice. Her parents should have done something!”

  “Maybe they didn’t know. Or maybe they didn’t want to know.” Amos sighed. “We don’t even know if anything happened.”

  “We need to find out. Katie’s not innocent, but if she was hurt and hasn’t been believed, that might explain why she lies so much. I don’t know. I’m not a psychologist. If it was me though, and nobody believed me...”

  “We should find out,” Amos said. “We’ll compare notes and see what we learn. The elders want us to be watching her to see what we learn. We’ll just be trying to learn a little bit more. Just in case.”

  “Just in case.”

  When they had all left, Libby returned to her studio and leaned on her hands against the top of her worktable. She pushed out a long, sibilant sigh. “What a day!” As she finished putting away her goods, she heard the kitchen door closing.

  “We’re leaving in five minutes!” her mam shouted from down the stairs.

  Libby’s stomach growled, and she found herself thanking Gott to be troubled at this moment only by such ordinary things.

  AFTER DINNER, WHICH had been subdued in spite of Libby’s best efforts to act normally, they returned home. Libby changed for bed. Her mam knocked on her door just as she was preparing to blow out the lantern.

  Deb said, “You’re troubled, Libby. What is it?” Her mam’s voice was soft.

  “Just thinking about Katie.”

  Her mam walked into Libby’s room, shutting the door behind her. She crossed the room to sit on the edge of Libby’s bed next to her daughter. Deb said, “We’re all aware of her tricks now. Katie won’t hurt you.”

  “I think she’s been hurt, and I want to find out who did it?”

  “Did she tell you someone had done something to her?” Deb pursed her lips in clear disbelief.

  “She didn’t tell me anything. She thanked me for being her friend, and that was all. Mam, you and Dat raised all of us to respect Gott’s teachings and to follow them. I think Gott is calling us to do something more than simply push Katie aside, even with all of her problems.”

  “Hmmm....”

  “I’m going to ask her about Goshen. She’s told stories and smeared some mud on a barn, but she hasn’t hurt anyone.”

  “Not yet. The seeds of sin start small.”

  “I want to help her.”

  “If you truly feel Gott is guiding you to this action, then I can’t stand in your way. But be careful. I don’t trust Katie. She has caused us no end of trouble here in Big Valley.”

  “I know. I just want to be sure there isn’t something else going on.”

  “Then be sure.” Her mam held out her arm, and like a small child, Libby pulled herself to Deb’s side and accepted the embrace. “Sometimes wisdom comes from the mouths of babes.”

  “I’m almost old enough to marry, Mam.”

  “You’ll always be a boppoli to me, Libby.”

  Libby smiled. “Denki, Mam.”

  “For calling you a baby?”

  “For listening to me. And hearing.”

  Libby had a feeling Katie had not been afforded the same care. At least not where it counted.

  THE NEXT MORNING, AFTER Libby and her mam had finished hanging the wash, and Libby had taken a few extra moments to walk to the backyard fence and lean on it to watch the horses graze, her brother Ben bounded over to her side.

  “Libby! Can I join you? Can we walk?”

  Libby sighed. She knew that if she denied her younger brother the chance to walk with her, she wouldn’t hear the end of it. She was tired of her own thoughts anyway. “Ja, you can join me.”

  “Libby, did you hear about the Yoder’s barn?”

  “Ja, I did. Mudded, huh?”

  “Ja. Amy ’n I saw her collecting the mud in a red pail.”

  “By ‘her,’ are you talking about Katie Miller?”

  “Ja. Why did she do that?”

  “Uh...” Libby was torn by how much to tell her brother.

  “Come on, Lib. I was there for the discussion with the bishop, you, Mam and Dat. Amy was, too. We know the elders think she’s been doing something bad. It’s about the English person wanting us gone, right?”

  Libby sighed. She nodded reluctantly. “Ja, it is. Ben, you have to promise me that you won’t say anything to anyone other than mam, dat or our other brothers and sisters! Discuss it only in our family!”

  “Ja, I promise! Now, please tell me!”

  Libby capitulated. “Okay. We do suspect Katie of telling a really horrid lie about someone who may not even exist. Look, you’re finishing school in two years, then you’ll apprentice with someone. You’ll be getting ready for your own rumspringa. If you know and you see something, you need to tell me, Mam or Dat. You promise me?”

  “Like, what would I see?”

  “Well, if you see her doing something strange, like Katie scooping up mud. Or sticking nasty notes to trees.”

  “Ja, we saw that, too. She pulled that envelope out of her tote and stuck it to the tree. With thumb tacks, like teacher uses in school.”

  “Oh! The note! I wonder if the bishop is going to show it to the mayor.”

  “Libby? Why would Katie do something so bad?” Ben was pensive.

  “I wish I knew. It may be because she’s mean, or it may be because she needs help. We’re working to find out.”

  “Why would she tell mean lies and stick notes to trees if she needed help?”

  Libby was beyond her depths here. “I don’t know. Sometimes people do weird things when they’re sad.”

  “Like last winter when Amy was sledding, and she broke her arm, and she started laughing at first but then started to scream and cry?”

&n
bsp; “Ja, something like that.”

  “So instead of laughing, she pinned those letters on the trees and then threw mud on the Yoders’ house.” Ben wrinkled his nose. “That’s weird.”

  “Ja.” Libby made a quick decision. “And that’s why I’m going to ask the elders if you and Amy can become sort of lookouts for them. If it is Katie, she couldn’t...well, she wouldn’t suspect you of working to stop her, because of your age. And if you see her doing anything dangerous or strange, you’ll let someone know immediately.”

  Ben grinned. “I’ll be like a spy!”

  “Where’d you learn about spies?”

  Ben looked down at the ground. “John has some comics from his brother.”

  “Yes, just like a spy, but you don’t get yourself mixed up in anything dangerous, okay?”

  “I know. Especially with Amy. If she breaks her arm again, we’ll never hear the end of it.” Ben let out a long sigh.

  “Okay, this is what you two do. Whenever you’re doing anything in our yard, by the creek or anywhere, and you see Katie, just observe what she’s doing. If you’re close enough, try to listen to what she might be saying. Then let me, Dat or Mam know, so we can let the elders know.”

  Again, Ben gazed out on the backyard, toward their neighbor’s pasture. Seeing the branches and leaves swaying gently in the late-summer breeze, he just thought. If being a spy is a part of growing up, I like it. “Okay. We’ll do it. I’m making a decision for Amy, I know. But I think she’d like to help out on this. She hates that she can’t spend much time with her friends.”

  Libby said, “We all do. Our rumspringa activities are pretty restricted now. Sings and socials? It’s the same way. Everyone has to be home by dark to be safe. And we hate it!”

  “Ben!” their mam called from the front porch.

  Ben sighed. “I’d better get inside or Mam will get after us.”

  Ben scrambled up and ran back to the house. Libby followed more slowly. As she was walking, she saw Katie hurrying down the road that ran along the side of their property.

  Libby changed course to follow Katie. Was she looking for the note? Katie walked past the creek to the tree where Ben had seen her tacking up the note and began looking around.

  “Katie!” Libby called out.

  Katie jumped.

  “It’s just me. What’s going on?”

  “I...umm...I thought I’d lost something.”

  “Here? What?”

  “Nothing. It was stupid. I should go.”

  Should I ask about Goshen? Or the lies? Libby was tongue-tied. Her skin felt cold. “If there’s umm...anything you ever want to tell me. You can. As a friend.”

  Katie folded her arms over her chest. “About what?”

  “I don’t know. Anything. Have you heard from your sister?”

  “She never wrote. She didn’t want anything to do with me either.”

  “Katie, don’t say that!”

  “I know you think all of this is my fault.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “I have to go,” Katie said, holding up her hand and giving Libby a stiff wave. “My mam needs me at home. She always does.”

  “Wait!”

  “Ja?”

  “If you ever need to talk, you can talk to me.”

  Katie blinked.

  “That’s all I wanted to say,” Libby reassured her.

  Katie nodded, once. “Denki,” she said.

  KATIE PONDERED LIBBY’S words as she hurried home. It was confusing. Sometimes, Katie was sure her friend suspected her, but how could Libby suspect Katie of starting the horrible rumor and still be so kind?

  The voices of the two English women sounded in Katie’s mind.

  She’s just pretending.

  She wants you to go, just like the others. Just like everyone.

  Go, and don’t ever come back.

  Katie got the neck-prickling feeling that she was being watched. Stopping dead in her tracks, she turned around slowly, looking for anyone who could be around her.

  Behind her, the creek bubbled. She was far enough away she hardly heard it. To her right, the wind rustled through the fields. There were no other sounds beyond her own breathing and the blood rushing through her ears.

  Katie forced herself to breathe. It was just a story. Like the notes and the paint and the mud. Except now, she couldn’t get these two English women out of her mind.

  Go. Run. Disappear.

  Never come back.

  There was something wrong with her. Something blood and stories couldn’t fix.

  Katie blinked back tears and hurried home.

  LATER ON THAT NIGHT, Libby and her dat were sitting in the living room. Adam King was barefoot with his shirt untucked from his pants. A large, five-hundred-piece puzzle sat in the center of the living room table. Her dat stared down at it, as he had for the past three evenings, working inwards from the border to the center. Libby halfheartedly took a piece and fiddled with it as she tried to focus her thoughts.

  “Libby, what is it?” Her dat asked. “Ben said you saw Katie?”

  “Ja.” Libby slid the puzzle piece back and forth along the tabletop with her index finger. “She said she was looking for something, but didn’t say what, and then she said she had to go. It was the note. It had to be.”

  “Probably. We gave it to the bishop. Do you think she’s wondering why nobody has said anything?”

  “Ja,” Libby remembered what the Amishman had said to her and Katie. “Dat, did Mam tell you what that Amishman in New Wilmington said? About the elders asking the mayor to talk to their community?”

  “Ja, she did. How he knew where you’re from...”

  Libby pointed silently to her head covering.

  “Ach, ja! I’m going to go talk to the bishop tomorrow, while I’m making my delivery. He should also know if Katie has tried to mention the latest note she stuck to a tree.”

  “Dat, what will happen to her? Once the elders talk to her, I mean?”

  Adam thought for a few minutes. “Libby, I’m not sure. They could probably ask her to promise she’ll never do anything like this again, but because she hasn’t been baptized yet...”

  “Ja, that’s what I was thinking. She is receiving instruction.”

  “She might be made to leave here, just like she and her family had to leave their old Indiana community.”

  That bit of information hit Libby like a punch to her solar plexus. “I thought we were going to see she got help! Not just kick her out! Would her mam and dat have to leave, too?”

  “I don’t know. They didn’t do anything wrong.”

  IN THE MILLER HOME, as Mary slept, she had a troubling and depressing dream. She, David and Katie were still in Goshen, getting ready to leave the community. She experienced her almost-overwhelming anger at Katie all over again as she slept.

  When she woke up, the remnants of the dream remained in her mind. Remembering her sadness and anger, she was stunned to realize that she almost hoped that Katie was lying about the English person who wanted the entire community to uproot and leave. If it is a rumor and Katie started it, maybe we can move to another community in Indiana. We wouldn’t be at home, but we would be much closer. And I will be able to see Levi again...

  Mary hardly allowed herself to think of that summer with her husband’s brother. It had been two years before her rumspringa when Levi had been a tall and handsome nineteen-year-old and Mary just fourteen. They’d met by chance when Mary was walking to her friend’s house after doing her chores. Levi had been so sweet and attentive and treated her, a girl whose development had been behind even her own peers, like a young woman instead of a foolish girl.

  She’d hoped he would still be interested when she turned sixteen and was allowed her rumspringa freedoms. But instead of choosing her, he had married Susanna, a sickly young woman who had died two years later of leukemia. Mary had carried the secret sin of jealousy towards the young woman, and an even more secret desire that Levi w
ould look at her again like he had that summer they’d spent together, but he had remained faithful to Susanna even after her death. And Mary had chosen David. Still, it would be good to see Levi again and to remember.

  Holding this thought close to her, Mary decided that she would say nothing to David or any of the elders of her suspicions about Katie. In a way, she felt like a co-conspirator with her daughter. Feeling almost happy, she went downstairs.

  Katie hurried down to the kitchen, worried that she was late and have to again endure her mam’s anger. Thus, when Katie faced her, an apology on her lips, she was stunned when Mary gave her a smile.

  Katie exclaimed “Mam! You must be feeling gut this morning!”

  “I am, daughter. Please work on the grits and bacon. I’ll fry the eggs and make the toast.” She set the large coffee pot on the rear burner to percolate.

  Working on the grits, Katie wondered about the note she had left. Maybe it had blown off of the tree and fallen into the creek. If so, maybe Gott didn’t want her to disappear. Maybe, finally, she could do the right thing and stop telling stupid, horrible stories.

  Chapter 6

  That night, as Katie and her parents were sleeping, their neighbor’s barn caught fire. The home’s owner, Tom Shrock, came running out, waking up everyone and hollering for his kinder to grab the water hose and buckets. “The barn’s on fire! Hurry!”

  News spread quickly, and soon all of the neighbors were pitching in to fight the blaze. Katie’s eyes teared up from the smoke, and her arms felt like lead as she first took her place in the bucket brigade, and then, after the hoses were set up and pumping water, served cold drinks and sandwiches to the others fighting the fire.

  The entire community worked to keep the barn from being burnt to the ground, but it soon became clear their efforts to save the building were hopeless. The focus moved from saving the barn to saving the livestock and the surrounding area.

  Caleb Yoder asked, “Tom, is this all your livestock?”

  Tom Schrock tried to calm down as he counted the horses, cows, and sheep. “Ja, it is. Denki. Is there any way that we could house our livestock in a few other barns until I get a new one built?”