Where the River Ends

by Jacqui Penn

  Her immediate instinct was to embrace him. To tell him she knew; she knew because she’d loved him too. How her heart had sunk to see his empty flat and know he wasn’t coming back. Now he stood, looking into her eyes, waiting. She should fall into his arms and hold him close. She should be honest, at least with herself. How would she live with herself if she gave in? Simon and the children had already had enough heartbreak. ‘I love you, too. I feel the same, but I’m not someone who can break promises and hearts. We’ve lived without each other all this time, and been happy. If we hadn’t seen each other at the beach that day, we’d still be happy. Gio, I’m sorry.’ She turned away.

  He grabbed her arm. ‘Don’t Sophia. Please, at least think about us. Look, let’s go for a drink and talk about this. I’m going out of my mind. I’ve tried keeping it together, but I’m incapable.’

  What he said hit a nerve. If they talked through things, they’d realise how pathetic and weak they were both behaving. For god’s sake, they were adults!

  She nodded. ‘Let’s go for a drink. We need to get this sorted.’

  Gio stood at the bar. This was surreal. There was a gentle hum of chatter along the bar. Music, soft and slow, played in the background. The barman took forever to finish serving a woman up the other end. All Gio wanted was to get back to Sophia. Every moment away from her was another moment wasted. Why hadn’t he come back sooner? Idiot!

  ‘Good evening. What can I get you?’ He hadn’t noticed the barman standing right in front of him.

  ‘Evening. A pint of Speckled Hen, and a vodka and orange, please.’ He watched as the landlord tilted the glass and pulled the pump towards himself. Why was everything in slow motion?

  Sophia´s stomach churned. He still had a lovely body; maybe it was even more toned than it used to be. She shouldn’t be here. It was only a drink. Stop lying. He walked towards her. Tall, dark and handsome. She had to be strong.

  ‘Cheers,’ he said as he touched his glass on hers.

  ‘Bottoms up,’ she replied and then laughed. She was losing it!

  ‘Do you remember Elvis the Pelvis?’

  ‘Dancing?’ She giggled. ‘Of course.’ She recalled the slow dance after the rock and roll and gulped back the memory. Was that when she fell in love with him? When had he fallen for her?

  ‘I hated having to take you back to Tristan’s place. I wanted you to stay forever. I can’t help feeling weak because I didn’t, and now it’s too late.’

  ‘Something changed for me… We had such a laugh. My head was in the clouds.’

  ‘Like now.’

  ‘No… Yes… Maybe.’

  ‘Deep down, if you were on your own, do you think we’d get together?’

  ‘Yes!’ She smiled but was serious. ‘So what about the woman you’re seeing?’

  ‘If I’m honest, and this is so embarrassing… She’s not you. No one has come close.’ He smoothed back his hair, while his eyes scanned a picture of horses rearing up, on the wall next to them.

  Sophia was lost for words. She reached for her glass and gulped back half the contents. She hated the thumping in her chest, knowing it signified her true feelings.

  She’d never been truly loved by anyone and now the man she yearned for, loved her, and she couldn’t allow herself to reciprocate. If she were honest, Simon loved her, but he would possibly have fallen in love with anyone who had come along to replace Marie. The relationship had come about through convenience. That was the truth. That last thought was unfair. She’d been happy with Simon until Gio resurfaced. She recalled asking herself if she could fall in love with Simon. It was a different kind of love to the way she felt about Gio; a sort of brotherly love. Not that she knew how that felt.

  With Gio, it was breathless, heart thumping, a need, and a want, a yearning, lustful, beautiful, love! What was she going to do?

  She put her glass down. ‘The thing is, I don’t want to be ashamed of myself, and I would be ashamed if I let everyone down.’ She’d felt ashamed her whole life, after what happened to Kara. Guilt washed over her. ‘Sorry. I have to go.’ She stood and stepped away from the table. Gio held her arm in an attempt to stop her.

  She wrenched her arm from his grip, and headed out of the pub and towards home, tears streaming. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He wasn’t supposed to turn up back in her life like this. Why hadn’t he stayed away? Everything would have been fine if he’d just stayed away. Who was she kidding? He’d have always been there lurking in the back of her dreams; now it was so much worse. She knew he loved her too, only now, she couldn’t have him. Her chest tightened. She felt sick.

  She closed the front door and then fell back on it for support. How had love crept in without her realising? She now realised that denial had been so easy to live with.

  Chapter 21

  Turning off the light was a relief. She closed her eyes and snuggled down beneath the covers. She had to stop crying. Why had life gone so terribly wrong?

  That shameful gut feeling over Kara that had haunted her forever, rearing its ugly head again, made her certain about what she had to do.

  She hadn’t felt that shame so deeply for ages and didn’t want it shadowing her life as it once had. Nowadays, she held her head high. There weren’t many people in her life, and those she did have, she treasured. She couldn’t stand the looks and humiliation she’d suffered all those years ago.

  The pain of love, the tightness of yearning in her chest, it’d go, and she’d go back to the way things had been before that fateful meeting on the beach. Life with Simon was good. She had to forget Gio. He was in the past and that’s where he had to stay. Why did this hurt so much? Tears stung her eyes again. She had to stop feeling sorry for herself and snap out of these ridiculous ideas of being hard done by. She had a lovely life with someone who cared deeply for her; a lot of people would be grateful.

  That was the trouble. She wasn’t grateful. The nuns would have shunned her for not taking on board their teachings of thankfulness. She wanted to wipe that thought out of her mind, but it nagged at her. All those years they’d drummed into her about being thankful, and wiping out feelings of lust and wanting. She knew what was expected of her, and for once she needed to do the right thing and put others first.

  She lifted her head. What was that? Stones at the window. It couldn’t be! The rattle of more stones left her in no doubt. No! Go away, the neighbours will hear you.

  Her heart skipped a beat as she hurried to the window and opened it. She longed for him, more than anything else in the world. She put her finger to her lips, motioning him to be quiet, pulled on her robe and hurried downstairs to the door.

  ‘Gio. It’s no—’ He stepped forward into the hallway and kicked the door shut with his foot. His lips ravished hers, his tongue searching desperately. He pressed her to the wall and his hand slid under her robe. It fell to the floor as she grabbed at the buckle of his belt. As he entered her, a shudder rippled through her body.

  Sophia trembled next to him, still entwined. She’d never experienced that kind of passion. He stroked a strand of hair from her forehead. She didn’t want this moment to end; she wanted to feel that passion for the rest of her life.

  He ran his hand down her shoulder. ‘I love you. What are we going to do?’

  The question drove into their private moment like a dagger. She didn’t want to think about it now, or ever. It would be so easy to walk away, to disappear as Gio had done so many moons ago. Not so easy would be the guilt she took with her. Would she feel so guilty if she hadn’t lived a life of guilt over Kara? What would it be like to be a normal person, who’d gone through life without a shadow hanging over them? ‘I’m going to get a drink. Can I get you a beer?’

  ‘Avoiding the subject isn’t going to make it go away, you know.’

  She nodded. ‘I do know, but it’s like in me. I know what it’s like to hurt and I can’t do that to them.’

  ‘What about hurting me? Not only me, us. You get one life, and you
have to live it. You can’t live in the shadow of what other people want.’

  ‘I know you’re right, but if I leave Simon, I wouldn’t be the person I am now. I’d be miserable knowing how much I hurt him, and the children.’

  Gio took his arm from her shoulder. ‘How about that drink then?’

  When she came from the kitchen, she found Gio in the front room, sat on the sofa. ‘One beer,’ she said as she handed him the glass and sat next to him.

  He gulped half of it straight down. ‘That’s better. Thanks.’

  ‘So when do you have to go back to work?’

  ‘Thursday. I might go back early… Or I might go somewhere else for a few days and try and get my life back on track.’

  She snuggled in close to him. His arm slipped around her shoulder. She felt secure and relaxed.

  Sophia woke with a start and for a moment forgot about the night before. Gio slept soundly, his arm still wrapped around her. Oh no! How could I have done that? She took a deep breath and then a shiver ran through her as she remembered the passion they’d shared. I have to stay strong. I know what it’s like to be abandoned. Charlie and Eddie have lost their mother, I can’t abandon them now; they love me and I love them. I won’t do it for my own selfish reasons.

  She slid out from Gio’s arm, grabbed her robe from the hallway where it had fallen, and made her way upstairs for a shower. She tried to scrub away her guilt. She was disappointed in herself. She was that bad person she’d been accused of being all her life.

  She took her time blow drying her hair. Gio might be gone by the time she went down. At least then she could put all this behind her. Anyway, she wasn’t married yet, so it didn’t count. Who was she kidding? What a mess!

  Gio was in the kitchen, with a mug of coffee in his hand. ‘Good morning. There’s still water in the kettle if you want a coffee.’

  ‘Thanks.’ She hesitated. ‘Gio—’

  ‘No. It’s alright, I know. I just have one question.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Is there the slightest chance that you won’t go ahead with the wedding?’

  She wavered for a moment. ‘No. I am going to marry Simon.’ Gio nodded, a pained expression came over him. She could see the hurt in his eyes. She busied herself with a coffee cup when coffee was the last thing she wanted.

  He drank the rest of his coffee. ‘Okay, guess I knew that without having to ask. You need to know I’ll go on loving you, but I do understand why you have to do this.’ He pulled a bit of paper from his pocket and handed it to her. ‘That’s my air force address, just in case you do have a change of heart.’

  She took the paper and stared at it for a moment before placing it on the table. Sophia looked at him and felt tears welling. She looked away and blinked. She went to speak, but the words wouldn’t come.

  Gio took a step forward and pulled her into his arms. He hugged her tightly, kissed the top of her head, and walked out of the room. The front door clicked shut, and he was gone from her once more.

  Sophia dropped to the floor and wept. If this was what she wanted, why did it hurt so much? It wasn’t what she wanted; it was what she had to do. She didn’t have to, she had a choice. Have her own heart broken or desert those children; there was no choice.

  Looking out of the bay window for one last glimpse, she saw him turn out of the road and out of her life. She’d get over him, she’d done it before and she’d do it again. She had a cake to decorate.

  The cake sat on the board, round bits of dried fruit giving it a rough surface. She went to the cupboard and lifted the packs of royal icing down. She sighed. Where was the marzipan? She moved a couple of jars to one side, revealing an unopened packet of fruit jellies, Marie’s favourites. She stared at the packet for a minute. If you hadn’t died… If I… If… She threw the pack hurtling across the kitchen, before swinging her arm along the kitchen surface sending the cake and packs of icing, crashing to the floor. The cake shattered into a million pieces. Sophia fell to the floor, grabbed at a couple of bits, scrunched them in her fingers, and sobbed.

  Watching the birds in the garden, pecking at the cake, gave her some comfort. A stupid thing to do and no idea what came over her to make her do something like that. As far as she could remember, she’d never had a temper or been so dramatic. In a strange sort of way, she felt she had got something out of her system, but she wasn’t sure what. It might have been frustration, hurt, anger, loss, feeling sorry for herself, but whatever it was, having to clear up all the mess, cleared her mind for the moment.

  Gio walked around the corner, then leaned against a wall to steady himself. How had he walked away so calmly? The pain in his chest throbbed. Although she’d hovered in the back of his thoughts for as long as he could remember, he hadn’t expected to feel like he did. What the hell was wrong with him? He’d never really cared much about any other woman, and he guessed he was just finding out why. How had she captured his heart to such an extent that a grown man like him could fall down so easily? Of course, he’d managed to stay strong in front of her. He couldn’t let her know how much he was hurting, and he did understand about those kids and everything, but… He’d seen the pain in her eyes and he loved her too much to hurt her or have her hurting over a decision he’d talked her into. He’d been fair and now he had to pull himself together and get over it, just like before.

  Gio went to the hotel, packed his things and headed off to the coast for a few days. He couldn’t let his comrades back at base see him broken like this. He had a reputation to keep up if he wanted to continue leading as he always had.

  Charlie was the first to burst into the house, followed by Eddie.

  ‘Sophia, we’re going to stay with granny and grandad so you and daddy can go on holiday.’

  ‘It’s when you get married.’

  Simon trailed in behind them. ‘You two could have helped with this lot.’ He dropped the bags onto the floor in the hall. Sophia had a flashback to the night before, in that same spot.

  ‘I hear we’re going on holiday,’ she said.

  ‘Oh no!’ He looked at the boys. ‘What did we say about keeping it a secret?’

  The boys looked guilty. Charlie piped up, trying to save face. ‘We only said maybe.’

  Sophia smiled and ruffled his hair. ‘Oh well, it might not happen then. Best I forget it was mentioned.’

  ‘It is going to happen because we’re going to stay with granny and grandad,’ Eddie said.

  Charlie glared at his brother. ‘Shut up, Eddie. Now you spoiled the surprise.’

  ‘Hello, sweetheart. We’re home. Have you had a good weekend?’ Simon pecked her on the cheek.

  She nodded. ‘Fine thanks. And you?’

  ‘Yes. A bit hectic with these two in the car on my own, but we managed.’

  She suddenly missed the feeling of being loved, not as someone who helped look after the boys, but for who she was. Gio loved her as she was, not for what she did. Oh no! Stop it! Why are you going there? ‘Right, it’s school tomorrow. I’ve got you some supper ready and then bed.’

  ‘Oh,’ Eddie moaned. ‘I’m not tired.’

  ‘To be fair they had a burger and chips, and then they both slept in the car practically all the way home.’

  So it hadn’t been hard with them in the car. She had to stop this. ‘Okay. How about Daddy reading you a long bedtime story then?’

  ‘Yes,’ they chorused.

  ‘Thanks, Sophia,’ Simon said.

  She smiled sweetly. She needed a few quiet minutes to calm herself down. She felt uptight and angry for reasons she could only guess at. She’d been fine and fully in control before they’d arrived home and now she felt ready to burst.

  Simon made gorilla noises and chased Eddie and Charlie up the stairs. Sophia went to the abandoned bags and slowly unzipped the largest holdall. A feeling of deflation hit her as she carried the washing through to the machine. She stood for a moment watching the drum turning slowly, the clothes a jumble of colour being led a
round.

  Simon did love her. She’d been convenient and helpful when she was needed the most, but now? When did that convenience change? She’d stepped into the role of wife and mother so easily; until now, she’d been happy. Fuck you, Gio!

  The washing swirled, and her tears fell.

  Chapter 22

  Sophia had hidden the bit of paper with Gio’s address in her jewellery box. Out of sight, out of mind, she’d convinced herself. A determined effort would see her through this hiccup. She felt awful. How could she have slept with him? It wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t like she’d made a true commitment to Simon, they weren’t married yet. Of course, she’d never do anything like that if they were married. No, it was something to put down to experience and she’d put it behind her. Gio was gone now, as he had been for years, and she had a life to lead. If she told herself often enough she might start believing it was for the best.

  Anna arrived for the wedding and Sophia took her to Nellie’s. She came up with the idea to stay at Nellie’s for the two nights before the wedding. ‘I’ve arrived early so we can get in the wedding spirit. I don’t know what’s got into you since I was last here. Are you sure you want to go ahead? You seemed much happier last time I saw you, and that was only two weeks ago.’

  Sophia looked at her friend and had an urge to be honest, but voicing what she’d done would only make it real and she’d already boxed up those thoughts and hidden them away in the back of her mind. She couldn’t dredge them up again; it hurt too much. ‘I’m just a bit apprehensive, you know, it’s a big step.’

  ‘It isn’t like you haven’t been playing the wife role for ages. It’s not really any different.’

  Nellie jumped in to save her. ‘I thought we’d have lunch in that lovely little restaurant by the river. My treat.’