by Jacqui Penn
‘Maybe he didn’t.’
‘Susan sent mum money to buy what she needed for me and she didn’t tell her husband, so it was obviously a sore point.’
‘All those wasted years. Still, you’ve found them now and you have a family. This time yesterday… Who’d have thought it?’
Sophia accelerated to pass a van she’d been following. ‘Now I just need to find Gio and everything will be sorted.’
Nellie chuckled. ‘You’re having a laugh, my girl. That would open a whole new can of worms.’
Sophia pulled back into the slow lane. ‘But I want to open that can. In fact, I’m desperate to open it.’
‘I know you are, but if it was meant to be.’
‘Today really made me think about Giorgia. I so want her to know her daddy.’
Nellie was thoughtful for a moment. ‘She’s got you, sweetheart. She’ll never be without family.’
Chapter 30
The following morning, Sophia felt a bit down for no apparent reason. She hadn’t slept well, her thoughts jumping from her new found family to the continuing absence of Gio, which for some reason now seemed at the forefront of her mind these days. She had believed the Airforce would pass on her letter and Gio would be in touch. Now she realised how naïve she’d been. She hadn’t considered him moving on, but then not to have left an address… That was out of character. Gio was always so thoughtful. Then she thought back to how he’d left without a trace after Tristan told him he was serious about her. He wouldn’t have left the Airforce because she… No. That would be ridiculous; they’d only seen each other again for a short time.
‘Good morning,’ Nellie said as Sophia came down the stairs with Giorgia.
‘Good morning,’ Sophia said and automatically passed Giorgia to Nellie while she filled the kettle. Nellie walked her fingers over Giorgia’s tummy making her smile. ‘What do you feel like doing today?’
‘I’m happy to do anything. Another roll along the prom would be good. I don’t get to do that often, but I’m easy.’
‘How is John these days?’
Nellie chuckled. ‘John’s fine, thank you. We have dinner together a couple of times a week and an occasional trip to the cinema or theatre. I think he’d like it to be more, but I find with men that once you give too much of yourself, they take it all and you sort of lose yourself along the way.’ She looked down at Giorgia. ‘We’re going to steer you in the right direction. Not that you’ll listen. No, you won’t.’ Giorgia smiled as though confirming the suggestion.
Sophia thought about Tristan and how she’d lost herself in his life and then followed the same path with Simon. With Gio, it would be different. They’d have a wonderful life, maybe another child, a nice place in the country, or by the sea, she loved living by the sea. A dog perhaps, a black one with a waggy tail… She snapped herself back.
‘Okay. We’ll go into town, you’ll love the village, it’s so quaint. We’ll get stocked up with groceries and then go to the beach this afternoon. In fact, we could take a picnic.’
Nellie nodded. ‘A perfect day. You’re not going to be able to get rid of us at this rate.’
‘You stay as long as you like. We aren’t going anywhere.’
Nellie was tired after an afternoon taking in the fresh sea air and took to her bed at nine o’clock. Sophia flicked on the television and went to the music channel. She chose an instrumental collection and knelt on the floor, pulling the box towards her. She smiled as she took the pile of letters out. She really had to be grateful to her father for saving her mum’s stuff. For everything else he got wrong, at least he’d given her a family, a bit late in the day, but they were there.
She rubbed the silk scarf on her cheek, then pressed it to her nose for a moment before placing it on top of the letters. There were some more letters. These were from someone else, the writing was different. She opened the top one and went to the bottom of the page. It was from her father.
My gorgeous girl,
How’re you doing? It seems like an eternity since I saw you and it’s only three days. The weekend is years away, time goes so slowly when I’m not with you. Jim says I can transfer to Sandwich on the 6th, so only three weeks to wait. At least then we can see each other every day. I won a tenner yesterday, so that’s the train fare paid. It’s a pain having to get someone else to place the bets, but that’s the rules when you work in the bookies. I’ve got a cert tomorrow so that could be a new dress for you at the weekend if you see something you like.
I love you to the moon and back and always will.
Your man, Anthony x
Sophia hadn’t known her father worked in the bookies. She only thought he went there to gamble. No wonder he was always there. She read through the rest of the letters. He really loved her mum so much. He wasn’t soppy, but sincere and caring. Sophia wished she could have read the replies. Next, she lifted out a white box, embossed with silver leaves. She carefully removed the lid. An album with two rings on the front. Her parent’s wedding album? She quickly opened it. The couple taking centre position in front of an ornate church with stained glass windows, and the family she’d met yesterday, all so much younger, of course, standing next to her mother, and another family standing next to her father. The parents were easy to see. Did he have brothers and sisters? Beyond the families were several other people smiling. Who were they? She looked at her mother, bringing the album closer to her face to see in more detail. Her cream, full-length dress had some sort of pattern on the material, it looked like swirls, but could have been small flowers. She couldn’t see clearly enough. In her hair, pulled back with loose strands falling around her face and neck, was a single flower which looked the same as the bouquet she held.
Sophia realised she had all but stopped breathing. Her chest hurt, as she sucked in a deep breath and turned the page. More of the couple with just family, then another with two bridesmaids, who she hadn’t noticed before, in lilac. A head and shoulders shot of the bride and groom. Not facing the camera, but each looking into the other’s eyes. Their love shone out. That was the final picture. Sophia returned the album to the box and closed the lid, eager to see what else was in the larger box. A long white envelope, not sealed but folded in half. She could feel something more than paper inside. She carefully opened it and peered inside, then gently tipped the contents onto the cover of the wedding album. A dried flower which could have been from the wedding bouquet or the one in her mum’s hair.
There were photos, lots of places, but always happy, and one showing her mum pregnant with her hand on her large bump. Her dad’s hand was on top of her mum’s with his other arm wrapped around her shoulder. They smiled into the camera, looking pleased with themselves. Judging by the size of her belly, the birth couldn’t have been that long after.
There were two 1st anniversary cards. This time one from each of them.
My beautiful Sheila,
May all our dreams be little ones. You are my one true love and always will be. Love you to the moon and back.
Yours always A xx
My darling Anthony,
I can’t believe it’s been a year. The best one of my life and so much to look forward to. I love you so much, you are my world.
Heaps, and tons, and lots of love
from your wife Sheila xxx
A teardrop landed on the card and Sophia rubbed it off, grateful the writing wasn’t smudged. She glanced at the final few items in the box. Cinema tickets, a heart-shaped keyring, still with two keys attached and a ring box containing a man’s and a woman’s wedding ring, and a solitaire diamond engagement ring.
She gathered all the items and carefully put them back in the box. Until now her father had seemed cold and hard-hearted, but he hadn’t always been like that. Life had been cruel and turned him into a man with too much grief.
Chapter 31
Nellie had returned home after a second visit. She’d stayed a week the first time, and then a month later she had returned for another week, telling Sophia
that a week once a month kept them in touch and gave them both a little holiday. Sophia had giggled and said it might be a holiday for Nellie, but after each visit, she was knackered and in dire need of a holiday herself.
Sophia had given Giorgia her lunch, dressed her and headed off into the town for some shopping. On the way home, they’d walked through the park arriving home at two o’clock. ‘Where does our time go, little lady?’ she said as she unpacked the groceries from the bottom of the pushchair. Her phone rang, she dropped the bread and box of cereal onto the worktop and dug into her pocket for the phone. She looked at the caller ID. Simon! She cleared her throat and accepted the call.
‘Hello.’
‘Hey, Sophia. How are you?’
‘Fine thanks. Are you and the boys enjoying Spain?’
‘We’re back over here for a while. I had some stuff to sort out… Can we meet up?’
She hesitated. ‘Yes. Look I’m sorry about what I did, but—’
‘I thought you might be staying here at the house. Are you at your dad’s place or where?’
‘Yes, at my dad’s.’
‘Can I pop over? Margo and Pete have got the boys for a few days. We just need to talk… I feel bad… When’s good for you?’
She knew she wouldn’t get any sleep until she’d spoken to him. It was best to get it over with. ‘I’m free the rest of the day.’
‘Okay. I’ll be with you in about an hour.’
She suddenly came over in a hot sweat. ‘Okay. See you then.’
As she disconnected the call she felt sick. There was no way she was going back, but she didn’t want to hurt him any more than she already had. He hadn’t even asked about Giorgia. She should tell him the truth and start facing the reality of what she’d done. He deserved to know. Once he knew, he’d realise it really was over, so at least that would be one problem solved. Her stomach churned as she lifted Giorgia from the pushchair. ‘Oh, Giorgia, time to come clean. He’ll hate me, but there isn’t a lot I can do about that.’ She went through to the lounge and sat on the sofa, turning Giorgia to face her. ‘Your daddy is called Gio and at the moment I can’t find him, but I haven’t given up.’ She took a deep breath then exhaled slowly. ‘He is so lovely and when he meets you, I know he’s going to love you very much.’ Her eyes filled with water, she really wished she wasn’t so emotional about everything. The health visitor had said it was natural after having a baby, especially with the added trauma she’d been through. Giorgia smiled up at her. She smiled back. ‘You haven’t a clue what I’m on about, but it somehow feels better now that I’ve told you. Now mummy just has to bite the bullet and tell Simon.’
Although she was expecting it, the doorbell made her start. She realised her hand was shaking as she opened the front door. Simon bent forward and kissed her cheek. He had a bunch of multi-coloured flowers that he handed her.
‘They’re beautiful, thank you. Come in.’
Simon stepped into the hallway. ‘The front garden looks nice, you’ve done a good job.’
‘Thanks. I only wish the back one was finished. I’m getting there, but it takes time.’ She walked through to the kitchen and reached into the cupboard under the sink for a vase. It was the first time she’d had flowers since she’d lived there. ‘Would you like a drink? I’ve actually got a can of beer in the fridge.’
‘You’ve started drinking beer?’
She gave an awkward giggle. ‘No. I got some in for John when he came to pick Nellie up earlier. I got two, but he only had one because he was driving.’
‘How…’ Simon said.
‘Are…’ They spoke in unison.
Simon wiped his hand over his forehead. ‘Go on.’
‘No you. I’ve forgotten what I was going to say anyway. Do you want that beer?’
Simon nodded. ‘Great, thanks. How is little Giorgia? I forgot to ask… I was a bit… How is she?’
Sophia handed him the can of beer and a glass. ‘She is a great baby. So easy going. There’s a lot of mums at the clinic who tell me how lucky I am.’
Simon clicked the lid open on the can and started to pour his beer into the glass. ‘She was angelic from the start. Is she asleep?’
‘Yes. Upstairs in her cot.’ She’d always been in a Moses Basket when they’d lived together.
He gulped a mouthful of beer. ‘So how are you?’
She bit into her bottom lip and nodded slowly. ‘I’m okay. I need to tell you something—’
‘I know… I know about Giorgia.’
Sophia’s eyes opened wide. He couldn’t know. Only Nellie and Anna knew apart from herself and they wouldn’t have told him. ‘What do you know?’
‘I know she isn’t mine. I knew as soon as I saw her. There was something… I can’t even explain what I mean. I just didn’t get the right vibes and I knew something was wrong. I blamed myself, thinking it was just not so exciting to have a third child as it had been before, but deep down I knew it was something else. I think the dark hair…’
Sophia’s mouth hung open as she listened. She licked her dry lips. ‘I’m sorry. You deserve better.’ She pulled out a chair and slid onto it, motioning to Simon to sit the other side of the table.
Simon sat. ‘Who is the father?’
Sophia hadn’t expected to be asked to talk about Gio. Naively, she’d thought that as soon as she told Simon Giorgia wasn’t his, he’d have been so shocked, he’d have stormed out of the house and out of her life. ‘It was someone from way back. A few years. It wasn’t planned, it just happened. I’m sorry. It was before we were married.’
‘Oh and that makes it alright does it?’
‘No, I didn’t mean—’
‘It isn’t alright…’ He covered his face with his hands, then dropped them and clenched his fists. He stood up and started pacing the kitchen. ‘I didn’t come for an argument, I don’t want to get cross… I’m not even cross with you, not really, I’m angry at myself.’
She sat in silence, fiddling with her fingers in her lap. He continued. ‘It was all wrong. If I’m honest, when I look back I lead you on. I was so happy when we got together, but now I believe I hadn’t given myself time to grieve and it was such a relief not to be so sad… and… I’m really ballsing this up.’
Sophia was stunned. Simon wasn’t blaming her. ‘A letter came for you… not long after we knew about the baby. I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t think I could cope with the boys if you left… I knew it wasn’t fair, but…’ He put his hand in his back pocket and pulled out an envelope which he handed to her.
The envelope, handwritten, addressed to her, had been torn open. She already knew it was from Gio but didn’t want to read it in front of Simon. Her fingers became hot, sticking to the paper.
‘Open it. He says you chose me over him and he would stay away. I stupidly thought that we’d carry on and what we didn’t put into words wouldn’t matter. I was so unfair…’ He looked at her, a pained expression on his face. ‘Say something, can’t you? Anything. Tell me you hate me. Scream at me.’
Sophia cleared her throat. ‘I don’t hate you. I don’t think it was your fault. I was just sort of there and convenient, and we were both happy for a time. I shouldn’t have… We just weren’t meant to be. If we’re honest, I think we both put the boys before ourselves.’
Simon sat down on the chair again. He stared at her for a while, looking thoughtful. ‘Do you know, I think that’s it? I couldn’t believe how selfish I’d been and then I couldn’t believe how selfish you were either. But actually, it was neither of us. We weren’t selfish, we just wanted to make it right for Eddie and Charlie.’ He sat like a statue, his elbow on the table, his chin in his hand.’
‘I knew what it was like to grow up without a mum, and I loved the boys. I still do.’
‘I know you do. Can you forgive me?’
‘There’s nothing to forgive.’ Giorgia gurgled. ‘I’ll just go up and get her.’
Giorgia smiled as Sophia leant over the cot and l
ifted her out. She put her on the bed and as she let go of her she saw the letter still in her hand. Simon had known all that time. She was desperate to read what Gio had said but knew she’d be unable to contain her emotions. She slotted the envelope safely behind a bottle of Jean Paul Gaultier. No wonder Simon hadn’t been attentive to Giorgia. All that time and he knew, but he said nothing. Why hadn’t he exploded? She’d been with another man, what was the matter with him? He already knew he didn’t love her enough. He knew what real love felt like and what feelings he had for Sophia weren’t enough. She shook her head. All those doubts about marrying him, the wasted time. She glanced at the letter. Gio, have you put an address in there? She didn’t want to know the answer; not yet anyway. When Simon had gone she’d face whatever she needed to, but for now, it had waited this long and an hour or two more wasn’t going to make a difference. She smiled down at Giorgia and begun to change her nappy, glad of a few minutes to gather her thoughts. As she left the bedroom a pang of hope washed through her. Had Gio left an address? If he’d still been in the Airforce when he wrote it, then no, but there was a glimmer of hope he’d written the letter after he left.
‘Here she is.’ Simon put his arms out to take a smiling Giorgia. ‘She’s grown so much. The boys would love to see her.’ He looked pleased to see her.
‘You should bring them over. How long before you go back to Spain?’
‘A week today. I needed to come back and sort this out with you. I couldn’t live with the guilt any more… I’m so sorry. I should have given you the letter. I had no right…’
‘I’m sorry I was unfaithful, but I’m not sorry I’ve got Giorgia.’
Simon smiled at her, the frown on his face had gone. ‘You don’t know what a relief telling you has been. I wasn’t thinking straight.’
‘It’s a relief for me too. Don’t forget, I’ve been living a lie since I had Giorgia. It serves us right. We put ourselves through all that.’
