Making Our Way Back

by Jennah Thornhill

  “It’s about fucking time, I asked for that ages ago.” I glare at him, as he wanders towards me. I quickly pull the t-shirt on over my head, not as quickly as I would have liked, as it’s sticking to me, making it hard work to manoeuvre over my shoulders.

  “Sorry I got side tracked downstairs….” I don’t let him get another word in as I usher him back towards the door, whilst trying my best to pull the stupid shirt all the way down my chest. I shove him out the door and close it, resting my head against it, the coolness of it a nice, refreshing feeling against my hot and clammy forehead.. Only it’s short lived.

  “Hmm, I’m waiting Kane.” Like I could forget she’s still sitting there.

  “Ok…” I make my way towards her yet again, this time making it there with no more interruptions.

  “What do you want to know first?” I ask, finally feeling like I’ve been defeated. I might as well get this over with, I’m going to lose her either way, if it’s not because of this, then I most definitely will when she finds out who else is involved in all my mess.

  “I wanna know everything Kane, why you freaked out at my apartment which lead you to.. to… to do this?” She gestures around my office, clearly on about me being with Sophie. “I know I said I would give you time, b...but I need to know the story as to why you ended up with a GBH charge that lead to a five year stretch. It’s killing me not knowing, I deserve the truth. I want the fucking truth. I can’t live like this. I certainly won’t tolerate...this, every time shit gets tuff for you. I’ve had enough, I physically and mentally can’t take any more of this.”

  “Ok, you’re right. I’m sorry, I’ll tell you, but I need to start from the beginning, what happened that day after I left you in the toilets at school, and the reason behind me going missing for the last thirteen years. Let me explain it all please before you ask me any questions, because if I stop I might not be able start again.” She nods her head at me to continue. “The night I didn’t show up to our spot, wasn’t because I didn’t want to, it was because I physically couldn’t ok?” Taking in a deep breath, I know it’s now or never. “After I left you in the toilets, I went back to class and finished my school day. Then when I got home, I overheard my dad talking on the phone to who I don’t know, but I heard him say something about hurting you Luce, I heard him say to the person on the other side of the phone call, the where and when it was all going to happen. I saw red Luce, I swear to you now like I always have done, I’d let no one and nothing ever hurt you.” I catch a glimpse up at her, she’s hanging on my every word… for now.

  “I went into my dad's garage and grabbed the first thing I saw that would cause someone serious damage, it just so happened to be a bat.” She draws a breathe in, shocked as to what I’m telling her. “I made my way to our spot before you’d be there, because that’s where they were waiting for you, only they didn’t expect someone to know they were there. But I did. I didn’t know what I was going to do when I got there, but when I heard what they were saying about you and what they were going to do to you, I wanted to murder them both, how I didn’t I still don’t know. And that’s when the police got involved.” I take a deep breathe myself, not looking up at her this time.

  “I beat them both… to within an inch of their lives Luce, they ended up in hospital, both in intensive care for weeks….” She cuts me off.

  “Hold on, I thought you said it was one guy? That’s why you got locked up?” She doesn’t miss a trick does she?

  “I told you, so you wouldn’t worry or overthink things, I wouldn’t have gone to prison for five years, just for having a scrap with a guy, Luce.” I give her a slight smile before I carry on.

  “Oh, I.. I don’t know how these things work. I’m a divorce solicitor Kane, not a criminal lawyer.” Bless her I could kiss her right now, even if I am a nervous bastard.

  “No, and you’ll never need to know, trust me on that, anyway I did what I did and just walked away, not giving them bastards another thought. Only when I got home there were two police cars parks out front, my fucking dad grassed me up, the fucking snitch. Why he would do that to his own son I don’t know, I’ll never know as I haven’t seen him since, don’t want to. That bastard knew about it and didn’t even try to stop it from happening. I couldn’t of even denied it if I wanted to, my clothes and hands were covered in blood, and the bat still in my hands.” My hands are sweating, I can’t read what she’s thinking. Her green eyes are just blank, staring at me as if I’m a not the person she thought I was. At the time I most likely wasn’t, I didn’t even recognise myself that night. Inhaling in and out I continue on telling her the rest.

  “I didn’t even try to fight it, I let them haul me up in one of the police cars and I was taking in for questioning, I told them it was me, told them why I did it only I didn’t mention your name, I didn’t want you involved. They didn’t believe me, just said I was a young lad going around looking for trouble and someone who gets off on beating people up… so I got sentenced to five years. What I won’t go into detail about just yet baby girl is the fact that for eighteen months previous to that, I’d already sold my soul to the devil thinking I was doing the right thing. Only it still didn’t work, and because of that I had to take matters into my own hands.” Leaning forward I take her hands in mine, mainly for my own comfort.

  “What I did that night Luce, I don’t regret it, not one bit. In fact I’d do it all over again, even the jail time, if it meant you were safe and happy., just like you are now. I know it’s no excuse, but earlier when we were on your sofa, you called me Kaney and I just got freaked. I haven’t heard that name in so long, and when it came from your pretty little mouth, the memories I don’t want to remember just came flooding back. I’m so sorry Luce, I never meant to hurt you. Sophie means nothing to me, she never has.”

  “I’m confused, someone wanted to hurt me and you stopped them? And that’s why you went to prison?.” I just nod at her, it’s all I can give her. “Ok? And then me calling you Kaney triggered all these memories for you?” I cringe, my face giving me away to the pain that name causes me. “Sorry, it won’t happen again… It’s duly noted, I won’t ever call you that name again.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I kind of understand all the things you’ve said about your past, that I can move past, but what I can’t get my head around still, is what happened for you to have sex with Sophie?” I drop my head, I knew it would be this that she would have a problem with, again I don’t blame her, but this is the bit that I find the hardest to explain. I don’t know how to tell her what was going through my head at that time so she’ll understand me.

  “It’s hard to explain baby girl, when I left yours my plan was to come here, meet Marcus and get so drunk I’d forget what happened at your place.”

  “But that didn’t happen did it?” She questions.

  “No it didn’t, when I got here Marcus was already here waiting for me. I had only been here all of five minutes if that, when I saw Sophie on the camera, I swear to you that I had no idea she would come here. I chose to come here because this is the only place I knew she wouldn’t come, I don’t know why tonight of all nights she shows up here.” I run my hands through my hair, showing my discomfort. “I think she has this sixth sense, she knows when my heads fucked up, when I can’t think straight, because every time I’m like this she fucking shows up out of nowhere.” She’s just staring at me, or through me, I’m not a hundred percent sure. I wish I could get into that beautiful head of hers and know what she’s thinking right now.

  “I’m hearing all this Kane, but what I’m not hearing is why you fucked her.” She talks so calmly, yet I can see her anger bubbling beneath the surface.

  Lucy

  M y head is all over the place, I don’t know what to think at the moment. What he’s just told me must be a weight off his shoulders… for him. Me, not so much. I thought I had questions before, now they’ve multiplied by a hundred.

  When I left mine, I was all set
to rip his fucking head off. Now I just want to sit and listen to him talk.

  He’s more fucked up than I originally thought.

  “I’m hearing all this Kane, but what I’m not hearing is why you fucked her.” I try to say it as smoothly and as confidently as I can, when inside I’m at boiling point.

  Dropping his hands from mine, he gets up from the sofa we’re on and goes and pours us both a drink.

  Good, because I need one.

  Handing me the highball glass with my vodka in, I take a sip. The alcohol burning my already sore throat, only this burn is welcome.

  He goes and sits in his leather chair behind his desk, seeming to me as if he wants to keep his distance for the next round of conversation we’re about to have.

  “When I left your place Luce, I got scared. I didn’t want you to see what I was like on the inside. A monster. An evil dirty person. I didn’t want to tarnish you with that shit, you’re better than that, you deserve better than to be treated like that. So when she turned up, I saw a way to take away all the pent up tension I was holding in. There’s no way I’d have treated you the way I’ve just treated her, trust me when I say it wasn’t nice. I know it doesn’t condone what I’ve done, I just wanted to explain things to you before you left me.”

  In this split second of time, he looks like my Kane. Not the Kane I’ve come to know over the last week or so. My fifteen year old Kane, lost and lonely and his only coping mechanism is to screw shit up. I must have stopped him a thousand times from getting expelled from school, only this time I didn’t stop him and he has screwed up big time. I know in time I’ll forgive him, but that time isn’t now. I need time, time to take everything in, time to process it all and time to figure out if we can get passed this and make a real go of it.

  I drag my jelly like body from the sofa, I have to leave.

  Walking over to the door, I stop and turn to face him not knowing if it’ll be for the last time or not.

  “Look, I get everything that you’ve just told me, but I need time. I can’t handle all of this right now, I’ll pass your case onto my boss, he’s better than me anyway. I… I’ll see you around.”

  With that I walk out of his door, leaving my heart in that office with him.

  Three weeks he’s been back in my life, and that's all the time it took him to make my world turn on its axis and come tumbling down, crashing before my very eyes.

  Just as I’m descending the stairs down into the main club, the DJ is just starting to warm the crowd up, as it’s getting busier by the second. That’s when I hear the song that’s currently playing. Jennifer Lopez’s I’m gonna be alright. Sitting on the bottom step I let the words wash over me.

  I used to say I couldn't do it

  But I did it

  After telling everybody that I wasn't with it

  Though it brings tears to my eyes

  I can feel it

  And I know inside I'm gonna be alright

  I said I couldn't do it

  But I did it

  After telling everybody that I wasn't with it

  Though it brings tears to my eyes

  I can feel it

  And that voice inside says I'm gonna be alright

  When the last beat of the song ends, I smile to myself.

  I know I can do this and that I’m going to be alright.

  Lucy

  “A nother Porn Star Martini, please Stephan.” I order from the bar.

  It’s been three weeks since I walked out on Kane at his club, and only six weeks since he walked back into my life.

  That night after I told him I needed time, I half expected him to chase after me, or make it hard for me leave, after all I did promise him I wouldn’t leave, which at the time I meant. After hearing everything he told me I couldn’t think straight, my head was pretty messed up, but what hurt the most was the fact he still couldn’t explain him and Sophie being together. So the space from each other was also for him as well as me, I needed to give him time to figure out what Sophie was to him, whether they wanted to be together or not. He needs to make his mind up if he wants Sophie in his life still, and he wouldn’t have been able to do that with me still in the picture clouding his judgement.

  I went straight around to Donna’s and told her everything. She agreed with me straight away, I needed time and space, not just from Kane but from London as well.

  That’s why I’m currently sat at a beach bar in Gran Canarias, with Donna in tow of course, that bitch wasn’t going let me jet off to a sunny climate on my own.

  Before I left though, I went into the office on the Monday morning and sorted all my current cases, passing Kane’s onto one of the other junior partners. I explained to my boss that I just needed to take some personal time, luckily for me I’ve been the model employee at the firm, so he agreed to my time off pretty quickly. Once all that was sorted, I spent the following day with Donna, booking our holiday. We then proceeded to spend the rest of the week shopping and packing, girl time with my best friend was exactly what I needed. I’m not saying I haven’t thought about Kane, because I have and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t. That man has been on my mind constantly, but I needed this break. He came back into my organized life like a tornado, breaking everything in his path, making me question everything that I always believed to be true.

  Stephan hands me my drink, giving him a smile I slide down from the bar stool and make my way back to Donna, who’s currently getting chatted up by some greasy muscled man who thinks he’s god's gift to women.

  “Call me.” I hear the guy say to Don before handing her a piece of paper, my guess is it has his phone number on it, either that or his room number. I wouldn’t put anything past Donna, she can be that persuasive.

  “You at it again, Don?” I say with one eyebrow hitting my hairline, whilst laughing at the same time.

  “Hey… just because you can’t seem to get one particular sex god of your mind, don’t condemn the rest of us to a sexless life.” The bitch is laughing at me, she’s also referring to our fourth night here, I’d got steaming drunk and almost had sex with some random guy I’d met at one of the clubs. Only I freaked out and ran off like some virginal teenager. The memories hit me like a tidal wave, making me shudder even in this heat. I’ve never been so embarrassed.

  Rihanna's Pon de Replay is booming through the clubs sound system, when I feel a pair of strong yet firm hands take a hold of my waist. Feeling confident due to all the cocktails I’ve consumed, and the megawatt smile that Don’s got spread on her face, I start to dance with him, swaying my hips and throwing my arms around the back of his neck.

  After getting our sweaty groove on for nearly half an hour, he whispers in my ear that he’s heading to the bar for a drink. Taking me by the hand I go with him willingly, taking him in as we walk. Not bad I suppose. He’s got a nice firm arse, and big broad shoulders, telling me he obviously works out a lot. This I can appreciate on a man.

  After all the cheesy chat up lines, that have got old over time, he’s trying way too hard. He’s starting to come across sleazy now, it’s a good job I’m not after a long term relationship because he would not be someone you’d build your hopes and dreams on. The only decent thing about him is his body and the fact he’s making me laugh, with the stuff that’s rolling off his tongue.

  Maybe I could just use him for my own needs, it’s not like I’m going see him again after tonight is it?

  I suppose I should really ask him his name, but he hasn’t bothered asking me mine and if I’m honest giving names is way to personal.

  So when he leans in to kiss me, I don’t stop him or refuse him access to my mouth. He’s not the best kisser I’ve had the pleasure of kissing, he’s wild with his tongue, like it has a mind of it’s own when it should be dancing in sync with mine, but he’s taking what I’m so willing to give him, before his hands start to roam my body, sliding from my thigh, up my hip and then up my back before grabbing me around my neck, forcing my face into his. I
try to stop the assault on my lips by putting my hands firmly on his chest, pushing myself away from him. At this rate my poor lips are going to be bruised. He finally relents so we both can come up for air, I catch him looking at my breasts, not that he can miss them, it is a beach party in the club tonight and turning up without a bikini top on would be like committing a crime over here.

  I lift his chin up with my hand slowly, when his face is level with mine I see a sly smirk on his, yet his eyes haven’t shifted up with it.

  “My eyes are up there, not down there.” I say to him with a laugh.

  “I know..” He tells me without breaking eye contact with my chest. I don’t know whether to be irritated by this, or flattered. “What do you say we head out of here? Your room or mine?” Now he has the decency to look at me.

  Out of nowhere I’m hit with a wave of guilt, why I don’t know, it’s not like I’m doing anything wrong.

  “Erm… actually… No I’m sorry I can’t do this.” I apologise to him, he must think I’m a right weirdo. As I go to walk away from him, he grabs me by my wrist, pulling me back towards him.

  “Are you fucking joking, you were more than up for it on the dance floor and didn’t have a problem with me kissing you, you were all over me, that tells me you’re more than willing.” He seethes in my face. I’m taken back by the tone in his voice.

  “I’m really sorry, it’s just… I’m just sorry ok, can you let go of my arm please you’re hurting me?” He doesn’t release his tight vice like grip off me. In fact it gets tighter. He’s starting to scare me,

  “Forget it, I’m not wasting my time on a frigid bitch like you.” With that he shoves me up towards the bar so he can get past me and squeeze through the mass of people waiting to get served.