Making Our Way Back

by Jennah Thornhill

  “Hey, how’s she doing?” Donna. Thank God she’s ok, the last time I saw her she had a look on her face that I hope I never have to see again. A look of pure dread and an uncontrollable fear of what was to come before we got hit. Then I saw her with a nasty cut above her head and she didn’t answer me back when I tried to speak to her. I feel a wave of relief roll off of me, I’m so glad she’s ok.

  But who’s she speaking to? I obviously can’t answer her that much I do know, so she can’t be talking or asking me?

  “Not much has changed from yesterday, the doctors have reduced her medication that’s about it, she’s still sleeping.” Wait... hold up… was that...Kane? What’s he doing here? Wherever here is. And how fucking long have I been here? And why am I on some sort of medication?

  There are so many questions I have, and no way of getting the answers I need. I seriously need to open my eyes, or speak… just do something.

  “So… she’ll wake in her own time then.” I feel her hand pushing my hair out of me face before the same hand takes a hold of my flimsy one. “Come on Luce, now is not the time to get lazy, we both need you to wake up now.” I hear Donna say, she’s quite close to my ear so I can hear her loud and clear, I can also tell she’s crying but is trying to hold it in. I try to squeeze her hand, I feel like I’m squeezing that hard I’ll leave a bruise on her hand, but as I hear no complaint from her I doubt she even felt it. And why is the stupid cow crying, I’m fine, apart from not been able to do anything my heads telling my body to do.

  “I feel like she can hear us, only I haven’t said anything to her because I haven’t a fucking clue what to say… you know.. With how we left things?” He’s been here all this time?

  “Look Kane, I don’t know you that well, but from what she’s told me you seem like a decent guy. So what, you made a mistake, we all do it and if it makes you feel any better, we were coming to your office straight from the airport. She couldn’t wait to see you.”

  “Fuck, so all this happened because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time, you shouldn’t have been back yet… you shouldn’t have been in that taxi… shit.. She shouldn’t be the one lying in this fucking stinky shitting hospital bed.” I know Kane, I know how he thinks, he’s thinking all this is his fault. It’s not, these things happen. And at least now I know I’m currently lying in a hospital bed. But what’s wrong with me? They wouldn’t just let me lie here if there wasn’t something seriously wrong with me. Would they?

  I don’t hear anymore after that, as I go into a deeper sleep than what I was in before.

  What seems like forever, I finally pull my shit together well it’s either that or the medication is finally wearing off. I ever so slowly peel my eyelids open, I can hear Kane but I can’t see him, when I strain to hear what he’s saying I realise he’s singing.

  Cause it makes me that much stronger

  Makes me work a little bit harder

  It makes me that much wiser

  So thanks for making me a fighter

  Made me learn a little bit faster

  Made my skin a little bit thicker

  Makes me that much smarter

  So thanks for making me a fighter.

  Just from him singing them few lines in a low whisper, I know he’s singing Christina Aguilera's Fighter to me, he still thinks I’m asleep and he’s doing it hoping it’ll bring me back to him. It was always the song I used to sing when we were teenagers to him, he was my strength, my protector made me stronger when it came to dealing with all the shit I was dealt with from the bullies at school. To him I was his fighter. I still am, I fight every day.

  I turn my pounding head to the right, that's when I see him. He’s standing by the window in my room, he’s wearing a black t-shirt and jeans, just his profile makes me inhale sharply.

  He must hear it, because he’s next to my bed in a flash gripping my hand.

  “Oh my god you’re awake? You scared the ever living shit out of me baby girl. Don’t ever do it again.” He sounds like he’s in pain when he talks. I can’t believe I’ve put him through this. He looks like he’s been dragged through a bush backwards, his hair is sticking up in every direction possible, his stubble is nearing on a full beard and his clothes look like they belong to a homeless person they are that crumpled.

  “I… I’m so sorry Kane.” I manage to choke out. My mouth currently represents a sheet of sandpaper.

  “W… Water please.” Just as he gets up from the chair to get me my water, there’s a knock on the door and an older lady comes in wearing a nurses uniform.

  “Hey, you’re awake, about time as well. This handsome young man here has been climbing the walls, I’m so glad you’ve put him out of his misery.” She checks my blood pressure and temperature before continuing. “I’m Lizzy by the way, I’ve been you’re nurse since you were brought in.”

  Now I’ve had some water, speech is a little easier so I find it more comfortable to answer her.

  “Thank you Lizzy, I’m so sorry I scared everyone.”

  She takes my other hand in hers, the other one is still very much attached to Kane.

  “Don’t you worry about it my dear, you just get some rest and I’ll send the doctor in shortly.” She turns around and promptly leaves my room.

  I try to move around in my bed, it’s lumpy and I can’t seem to get comfortable, a sharp pain across my middle and lower abdomen knocks the wind right out of me.

  “You need to keep very still baby girl, you’re cracked a couple of your ribs and you lost a lot of blood so you need to rest.” Kane informs me, at the same time he faffs about with my pillows trying to make sure I’m comfortable.

  That’s when it registers what he said. I lost a lot of blood. But from where? He didn’t mention anything about me having surgery or having any cuts on my body.

  I’m just about to voice my questions when there’s knock on my door once again.

  From the blue scrubs he’s wearing, my guess would be he’s my doctor.

  He comes to stand by the side of my bed, offering me his hand. “Hi Lucy, I’m Doctor Phillips. It’s so good to see you’re finally awake, you gave us quite a scare.”

  “So I’ve already heard.” I say sarcastically, indicating to Kane with a tilt of my head causing the doctor to chuckle.

  He finally takes the chair that's empty and opens my medical file.

  Here goes… let's find out what the hell is wrong with me.

  “Right for starters, you have four cracks to the ribs from the impact of the crash, but that isn’t what concerned us the most, they will just heal over time, with a lot of rest and no heavy lifting or straining of any kind for around six to eight weeks.” I nod my head to say I understand what he’s telling me, then he looks across to Kane.

  “It’s ok you can tell him, he doesn’t need to leave.” I hear Kane breathe a sigh of relief.

  “Damn straight, I’m not going anywhere. Even if you tried dragging me from this room kicking and screaming. I’m not leaving you Luce.” He squeezes my hand in his, making his point even more clear to me.

  “Ok... if you’re sure. As I was saying, what did concern us is the amount of blood you lost from having a low placenta, formally known as placenta praevia. Now we managed to stop the bleeding without surgery but we did have to give you a blood transfusion, hence why we kept you heavily sedated so your body could recover. From all the scans we did, your baby is measuring around eight-week mark and is perfectly fine and healthy. And like I said before you need to rest for the next six to eight weeks. Then hopefully you should be able return to a normal routine, but we will have…”

  “Just stop right there.” I say. I’m pretty sure he just said I have a baby growing inside of me right now. I take a glance at Kane, he’s white as a ghost which only confirms what I just heard was in fact correct.

  “Did I just hear you right? Are you telling me I’m pregnant?” I know that’s exactly what he’s saying, yet I still need him to confirm it for me. Kane st
ill hasn’t moved or said a word, if it wasn’t for his chest moving up and down rapidly I’d have the doctor check that he was still alive. He’s not the only one in complete and utter shock right now, having kids is so far off my radar it’s unbelievable. I’ve always been career driven, I don’t want my kids ever having to go through what I did growing up, I want them to be in a stable and loving environment. I don’t even know if me and Kane have a future yet, we’ve not had chance talk about it.

  The doctor coughs slightly bringing me out of my panicking thoughts.

  “That’s exactly what I’m saying, are you telling me you both didn’t know?” He asks sheepishly.

  “I’m sorry Doctor Phillips, I don’t mean to be rude, but do these two faces look like those of people who knew they were having a baby.” I flippantly say.

  I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry in this moment. It’s all surreal. I feel like I’m in a dream and I’m going to wake up any minute now.

  He doesn’t answer me, he just looks at my notes, avoiding any eye contact with me.

  “How far did you say I was?”

  “The scans we did when you came in put you at around the eight week mark, although you’ve been heavily sedated for nearly a week, so my guess is you’re heading into your ninth week.

  I do mental math in my head, trying to work out when this baby was conceived. And like a wrecking ball, it all comes crashing back to me in an instant.

  “The car.” I whisper.

  Kane finally looks at me, “The car?” He looks bewildered and seriously confused.

  I nod my head at the same time my eyes feel like they're going to pop out of their sockets, I’m trying my hardest get him to understand where I’m going with my explanation. I don’t want to say too much in front of the doctor, he doesn’t need to hear all about how I jumped on Kane when he gave me a lift home.

  “Yes! The car Kane. After the club.” Jesus… sometimes you know, for such a clever man he can be quite thick.

  I can see the cogs ticking in his little head, they must be doing over time, as he thinks back. I give him a few minutes. When he finally remembers the night I’m talking about, he looks at me with guilt written all over his face.

  “Luce, I’m so, so sorry. This is all my fault, I was so careless with you that night..”

  I can’t believe he’s actually blaming himself, when it was me who didn’t give a shit that night. All I wanted was him, anyway I could get him and didn't give a fuck about any of the consequences.

  Well I’m certainly paying for it now. It’s perfectly clear that the morning after pill I took didn’t bloody work either, stupid thing. Why call them that when they don’t fucking work the morning after. Then out of nowhere a rush of panic washes over me, I took that pill, what if it damaged the baby.

  Kane must see I’m in turmoil, because he squeezes me hand again followed by; “Luce? What's wrong baby girl?”

  “I… I took the morning after pill, I’ve more than likely damaged the baby.”

  The doctor hears my words then swiftly reassures me that I didn’t do the baby any damage, that it is growing nicely and everything is how it should be, he said that they are a lot stronger than we think, that the body works in mysterious ways.

  “I must really have super swimmers, if the little bugger even out did the morning after pill.” Kane pipes up. He’s got be having a laugh? Does this look like a joking matter, this is my life that’s being turned on its head!

  Once the doctor has left, warning me to take it easy for a few days and then he’ll discharge me. But before leaving he told me that I would need to make an appointment to see my GP so they can keep an eye on me and the baby from now on.

  I sink back into my pillows, closing my eyes and think that this can’t be happening to me. I can’t face talking to Kane about the baby, if I’m honest with myself I’m not even sure I want to keep it. A baby means time off from work, a baby means my entire life changes. I’ll never make senior partner at the firm if I have this baby. I know I sound selfish but if I want to give any child of mine a happy life I have to be the best I can be. I haven’t got time for changing dirty nappies, or getting up through the night to do the night feeds. And when I’ve finished doing all that there will be a nursery to sort out and then a few years after that there’s a good school to try and find when he/she is old enough.

  It’s never going to end. I don’t even know if I’m mother material right now, not with everything that’s going on at the minute, this baby is going to depend on me for everything, in every aspect of it’s life. I’m not ready for any of that. And I sure as hell know if I’m not ready than Kane can’t be ready either.

  We never had the best role models growing up, plus I know Kane is still withholding secrets from me, I’m not sure what yet but if he’s not telling me, then he’s clearly scared I’m going to leave when I do find them out.

  We can’t possible bring a baby into this world with things the way they are, not knowing what the future holds for us, it wouldn’t be fair.

  With my selfish thoughts come the silent tears, they leak from the corner of my eyes, running down my cheeks and chin finally landing on my chest. I don’t wipe them away, I deserve to feel like shit. This is all my fault, I can’t take my frustration out on this little baby, it didn’t ask for any of this, and I doubt if it could pick it’s parents it wouldn’t have chosen us. That much I know to be true. I’ve just woken up and I’ve just been given life altering news, I can’t think straight. My mind is doing over time, I can’t keep up with it all. It’s all just too much to handle. My emotions are wreaking havoc, I don’t know if I want to burst out laughing or breakdown into massive sobs.

  “Can you leave me on my own for a minute please?” I ask Kane, when I finally find it in me to speak. I need to wrap my head around this, and I can’t do that with him sitting so close to me, smelling and looking the way he does. I know he’s contemplating on what to do. Fighting with himself. But he doesn’t argue with me or demand that we speak about it. He just nods his head and gives me a quick kiss on my forehead before getting up to leave, he opens the door a jar but before he goes to leave he turns to me.

  “Whatever it is you’re thinking, I’m always going to be here for you. I just want you to know that. And… I… I….love you Luce.” If I was standing up my mouth would have hit the floor. He can’t say things like that to me, not now, not when I’ve got so much to think about. Starting with what to do with his baby growing inside of me.

  Kane

  When the doctor told us that Luce was carrying my child I didn’t know what to think or what to say. I mean I was full of pure joy on the inside, but one look at Lucy's face and it told me she didn’t feel the same . A baby. We’re going to have a baby. Something that is half me and half her. But when I saw the look on her face, that joy turned to the most horrific, horrendous pain I’ve ever felt in my life. My sheer happiness taken away from me, just from one look at her my stomach falls through my arse.

  The doctor finally leaves us alone, giving us time to think about everything he’s just told us. I train my eyes on Lucy again, she looks as white as Casper the fucking friendly ghost, she’s just staring off out into space. I haven’t a clue what is running around in that pretty little head of hers, but something is telling me it’s the complete opposite to what I’m thinking.

  She sometimes forgets I know her, I know how her mind works. If what I’m thinking is correct, she’s got the thoughts of what we had growing up in her head and that’s what is scaring her the most. But she is not her mum, and I’ll live the rest of life proving that to her.

  Before I get the chance to ask her anything, she shocks me with what she says next.

  “Can you leave me on my own for a minute please?” I don’t know what to think after hearing that, I want to tell her no, no fucking way. She doesn’t even look at me when she speaks. I hold back everything I want to say to her because how she’s currently acting around me, this isn't normal for som
eone who’s just found out she’s carry a life inside of her. Not wanting to set her off in anyway whatsoever I just nod and say absolutely nothing. But just before I walk out the door, I realise that there is one thing that might just get through to her and that will give her a bit of hope that everything will be ok, something I should have said to her a long time ago.

  “Whatever it is you’re thinking, I’m always going to be here for you. I just want you to know that. And… I… I….love you Luce.” I lay my heart on the line for her. And then I leave giving her the space she asked me for.

  I pace the corridor for a few minutes, then head to the waiting room. I totally forgot to tell Donna that she’s awake. I don’t plan on telling her what the doctor said, I’m going to leave that up to Luce.

  Once I’ve filled her in the best I can with what the doctor said, I make my way to the canteen to get some coffee, it tastes like shit but it’s the best I can get my hands on right now.

  Just as I’m about to pull my plastic cup from the machine, I’m stopped in my tracks. Just when I think things couldn’t possibly get any worse, they do. I hear a voice that makes my entire body freeze on the spot, giving me the chills.

  “Well hello Kane, fancy seeing you here. Then again you always were a sucker for my daughter you silly boy.”

  Fiona.

  This woman is going to cause me to do something I know I’m going to regret.

  Like you don’t have enough regrets already. A tiny voice whispers in the back of my head.

  I bend at the waist grabbing my coffee, I need to keep my hands busy before I strangle the life out of her, not that she has much a of one anyway.

  Standing straight, I turn and face the woman who in the end is going to cause me more pain by making me lose everything that I’ve spent the better part of my life protecting.

  “What do you want Fiona? Wasn’t what I gave you already enough?” Venom is dripping from my voice. She knows I’m not just on about the money I gave her.