THARNISHED HEARTS

by Allen, J. C

  Perhaps this was unhealthy, to try and be playing superhero for everyone, but Derek was literally playing superhero with his actions at night. If he could play physical superhero, then the least I could do was play mental superhero.

  “Eve?” he finally said.

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “I thought…” he started and then shook his head.

  Whatever he had been about to say seemed to have bothered him. I let him have several moments as he wrestled with the idea of talking to me about what it was that he was experiencing, but it looked like a true struggle. The thought of being a mental superhero was replaced by something probably much more practical.

  Give him the space he needs.

  I decided not to push him to speak. Whatever he had been about to say might’ve also bothered me, and right now I was barely holding on with my own nightmares. Instead, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and held him against me. He leaned in, taking a deep breath as he wrapped his arms around my waist. We sat like that together, staying quiet. I closed my eyes, cherishing the moment with him, calming my own nerves.

  “Are you OK?” he finally said, sounding genuinely concerned. “You woke up with a startle. I thought you were having a nightmare.”

  I didn’t think that opening up myself would get him to open up, and even if it did, it wasn’t a good enough reason to speak myself.

  However, the need to express myself was plenty good enough.

  “I’ve just been having some terrible nightmares recently,” I said. “Terrible. Last night’s…”

  I sighed.

  “Please don’t think I’m crazy for what I’m about to say,” I said, fearful that the conversation about children or pregnancy would terrify him.

  “Baby, we’ve been through so much together, do you really think a single dream is going to scare me?”

  I just smiled appreciatively and kissed him, knowing full well that he was sincere in every sense of the word. How I got so lucky to have a man like this—not just for the sake of my romantic life, but for the sake of my entire life—I could never say. Most especially given my luck from beforehand.

  “I dreamed I was in a hospital, giving birth,” I said, trying to not overdramatize it. “But when the baby should have come out, there was nothing there. I asked the doctor where you were, but he said—in Rock’s voice—that you had died eight months ago. I freaked out and then, I guess you woke me up.”

  I let out a long sigh as Derek looked at me without judgment. I don’t know how he did it. I was judging myself for having my dream.

  “So yeah, my dreams are pretty fucked.”

  “Nah, baby,” he said, kissing me on the forehead. “I’m no psychologist, but I’ve heard dreams express the feelings that you can’t say out loud. Sounds like you’re feeling like there’s a possibility you’ll get pregnant and then I won’t be around.”

  “That’s true,” I said, deciding that was better for him to hear than “exactly.”

  “You don’t have to worry,” Derek said. “Even if—even if—something happens to me, the Saviors will take care of you. When you started dating me, Eve, you didn’t just get a boyfriend. You got a family that takes care of you. Nothing like the family you had. You may have been related to them by blood, but we are family because of how we treat you. If I fall? I would think of you to my last breath… but I would also die somewhat happy, knowing the Saviors would take care of you.”

  “I know,” I said, even though I had never thought of it that way and it was making me quite emotional. “But… I want you, Derek. I don’t want any other family.”

  “I know,” he said. “And trust me, I have no plans on dying. I’m living until the devil takes my soul, and even then, he’s in for an eternal fight.”

  I gave a sad laugh, trying not to burst into tears again. I deflected it by kissing him and cuddling him even tighter.

  It wasn’t his fault that the words didn’t really make things better, although they laid the foundation for things to be better. In time, I knew I would see his words objectively and realize they were true. Already, as I began to follow this train of thought, I felt a little bit better.

  Just time. Just give it time.

  “Thanks, baby,” I said with a smile. “And what about for you?”

  “Hmm?”

  “You looked so… distant when I came back from the shower.”

  “Oh, that,” Derek said, emitting a surprising laugh. “I, too, have some pretty fucked up dreams. I…”

  “You can tell me. I want you to tell me.”

  He shrugged.

  “I dreamed that I was arriving to the scene that we got to yesterday morning, but I was too late. I held you in my arms, and then you dissolved like dust.”

  “Damn,” I said, trying to make gallows humor. “I knew I could be salty, but I didn’t know I could be sandy.”

  “What do you—oh, Jesus,” Derek said, drawing much-needed laughter from both of us. “Funny one, you are.”

  “There’s more where that came from!” I said. “I can go all day. I’ll have you feeling really beachy.”

  “Beachy?”

  “Like peachy!”

  “Oh my God—”

  We kept laughing, only to get interrupted by Derek’s phone ringing. I didn’t mind too much, even if it was probably work calling. We’d gotten past our morning funk and emotions, and some corny pun humor went a long way to fixing that.

  Derek slid from my arms and moved towards his cell phone, sliding his thumb down and answered.

  “Hello?”

  I was surprised at how quick Derek transitioned to business mode, especially considering the extreme emotional swings of the morning. Nevertheless, it made him kind of sexy, to know that when the situation called for it, he could pull himself back together at the snap of a finger. He was a far cry from the man who had drank too much and nearly ruined it between us.

  I knew instantly that he was talking to Matty and glanced at the clock, seeing that it was barely past ten in the morning. Our little break was officially over, and business was about to resume. Alright Eve. Put the nightmares, the darkness, and all of that behind you. You can deal with it at night when the day’s work is done.

  For now, it’s time to get down to business.

  But it wasn’t just business, was it? This was life or death kind of work. This wasn’t some nine-to-five job. There were lives at stake, and a little slip-up didn’t just mean paperwork wasn’t going to be filed on time.

  And you know what?

  Truth be told, that was invigorating me. I always brought myself back to Matty’s words to control what I could control, and by actively choosing to not focus on the darkness of earlier in the day, I was better able to have the right kind of attitude—not just for my sanity, but for success in the day.

  I looked up, watching as Derek continued to pace, his responses short and in no way revealing to what was being said. After a brief moment, he hung up and glanced back at me. I saw a man who knew what he wanted to do.

  “What was that about?”

  “It was Roost,” he said as he began to get his clothes together.

  “Well, duh,” I said as I moved from the bed to stand beside him. “Talk to me, Derek. What’s going on?”

  “It’s just business,” he said as he sighed, running his hand through his hair. “He’s got the guys together. We’re going to take down the third house later tonight.”

  “Tonight, tonight?” I asked, tilting my head.

  “Yeah, and you should come with me.”

  “To the house?” I said, surprised to find that I felt excited by the possibility.

  “No way,” he said. “I meant to the shop. I want you in my line of sight up until we leave. You’ll be safest at the shop.”

  He’s right, you know. Last thing you need is a repeat of last night. Like Matty said, you do it a hundred times, you got the one that you survived. The other ninety-nine times?

  Game over.


  Although… was that because it was two untrained and inexperienced fools running in and only one man of actual experience, or because just my mere presence bogged us down?

  Because if it’s the former…

  “Understood,” I said with a smile. “I’m just happy to be with you for right now.”

  “Likewise,” he said, briefly pausing from putting his shirt on to give me a kiss.

  With that, I began to get dressed as well.

  “You got your gun and pocket knife I gave you?” he asked as he holstered his own gun beneath his jacket.

  “I do,” I said as I lifted my purse to show him the contents. “I think after yesterday morning, I would be a fool to forget them.”

  “Wanna ride with me?”

  “Of course,” I said as I shook my head. “Why wouldn’t I? What would I do, walk?”

  “Didn’t know if you wanted to drive yourself,” he said. “You do have a pretty sweet ride now, in case you forgot.”

  “True,” I said, smirking. “But I have a much sweeter man that I like to ride, if you know what I mean.”

  “Oh, my,” Derek said in mock surprise.

  I just giggled, thinking of how pleasurable it was to ride him, but doing my best to banish the thought. Sex later. Action now. Remember, sex is best after combat. When he comes home… oh, oh my God. It’s going to be ridiculous.

  With nothing more to say, we turned down the hall and headed towards the elevator. On most days, we continued our ambient chit-chat, but with Derek in business mode and me trying to decide if it was smart to try and tag along since Tara wouldn’t be there, we moved down in silence. We could have posed for one of those movie scenes with the heroes wearing sunglasses as they moved up the elevator, we were so quiet.

  But there was nothing quiet about Derek’s bike revving into action, kicking into high gear, and blasting out of the parking lot en route to the shop.

  It was interesting how things could suddenly lose their meaning or take on new ones—or just temporarily be forgotten. These bike rides were normally almost a type of foreplay, with the rattling of the vehicle between my legs warming me up and my wayward hands over his body giving him a certain type of sensual pleasure. But today, it just felt like something to get through—nothing lacking in enjoyment by any means, but something that was not business.

  Derek parked the bike at the back of the shop, and we both swiftly dismounted, moving confidently but hurriedly to the office, where Matty awaited us.

  “Good to see ya both still kickin’,” he said. “Thought maybe one of ya woulda kicked the other’s ass after last night.”

  “Thought crossed my mind,” I said with my tongue out, knowing full well I was the guilty party between the two.

  “Right,” Derek said. “Anyways. So we’re going for location three tonight. What did you want me here for now? Prep?”

  “Yep, and a few other things,” Matty said, handing him some papers that I looked over his shoulder at. “The spam and marketin’ and propaganda and shit’s expandin’ on their end.”

  “Oh, cool, they hired a few guys from college, they’re really growing,” Derek said with an eyeroll.

  “Truth be told, I ain’t worried much ‘bout it either, but there is somethin’ that got my eye.”

  Derek didn’t have anything to say this time.

  “We’re gettin’ reports of some Black Falcons doing drive-bys of this shop, starin’ us down and the like. Ain’t none of ‘em stupid enough to actually attack, but they noticin’ our moves on their places.”

  “So you think an attack on our shop is likely?”

  Matty hedged with a bit of a grimace.

  “Likely is a strong word,” he said. “But I ain’t think that we gonna be permanently safe here. ‘Specially if we gon’ go and take out another one of their spots.”

  I’m not sure if it occurred to Derek, but it sure as hell occurred to me that if the Black Falcons were willing to attack the shop, then the safest place was no longer here. The only way I could ensure my safety was to take it into my own hands. And that meant going into battle.

  “Matty,” I said. “How certain are you of that?”

  “Well, like I said, girlie, likely is a strong word right now—”

  “But I mean down the line. Let’s say we take out the third and the last place.”

  Matty grimaced.

  “Then ya, at that point, we got the Falcons pinned and they gonna do anythin’ they can to strike back, even if it means their death. Includin’ retaliatin’ by strikin’ here.”

  “And you think they would wait until they’re decimated to do that?”

  An unsettling silence filled the room.

  “I think it’s a bit presumptive to assume the Falcons would just wait to get beat up,” I continued. “They know we’re on the offensive. It wouldn’t surprise me to see them come here.”

  “Damn, she’s got a point,” Derek said. “That’s something we need to account for. Maybe we can have half the force here and half on the mission.”

  “That seems a good bet to me,” Matty said. “Falcons would hafta be suicidal to attack a place this well-armed.”

  “We beat them up enough, they might decide death by suicide is the best way out,” Derek murmured.

  Neither of them were getting why I was saying that, though. So I took it into my own hands.

  “Derek, based on this, I want to go out with you into battle.”

  “Huh?” both Matty and Derek said together.

  “Let’s face it. The safest place is with you. Right? We used to think it was here, and while I trust all of the Saviors, I trust you the most. I’ve already proved with Matty that I can hold my own—”

  “Much more ‘en Tara, that’s for damn sure,” he interjected.

  “Right. And so if I’m with you, I’ll be safer than I will here. Yeah, maybe I’ll get in line of fire, but what happens if this place gets attacked and you’re not here?”

  Derek looked at me, sighed, and chuckled.

  “You got a way of being too damn persuasive for me, Eve,” he said. “I don’t really want to see you in the line of fire, but Roost saw you, so…”

  “Yeah, she held her own,” Matty said. “With that said, girlie, ya would be the most inexperienced person out there. I’ll make a deal with ya, if Derek is good with it. Come do some target practice for the next half hour or so. Lemme make sure ya as good a shot as ya were the first go around. Ya do it, and ya can come along.”

  “Derek?” I said, knowing he had the final say.

  It wasn’t a matter of liking the plan. If Matty felt sure that this place was more secure than Fort Knox, than I would have stayed. But I really disliked the idea of Black Falcon spies alerting the rest of the club for when Matty and Derek took off, then launching a raid of the shop.

  “Works for me,” he said. “Just don’t turn into Tara out there. Last thing I need is sass when people are shooting at my ass.”

  “Nice rhyme,” Matty quipped.

  “Just for you,” Derek said with an eye roll.

  “Great! Thanks,” I said, although I wasn’t really sure if this was something I should be thanking Derek for or just simply something that was necessary with the way the battle had gone.

  “I’ll plan the operation,” Derek said. “Roost, take her shooting?”

  “Ya got it, boss.”

  Matty placed a hand on my shoulder and led me to the makeshift shooting range that I had last shot at, the bullet holes still visible.

  “We a bit low-grade here, so ya gotta make do with what we got,” he said with a smile. “Here, take this pistol. We’ll do a dozen rounds of that, and a dozen rounds with a rifle. Ya show me ya can not piss yerself, and that’ll be good enough.”

  “I’d like to think I’m a little more accurate than that!” I retorted.

  “Truth be told, most of this gonna come down to me, Bones, AK, Rucker, and yer boy. Ya just can’t get in the way.”

  Good enough. I know n
ot to play hero. I know to just do my job.

  And speaking of job…

  I lined up the pistol to the target, remembering what the sensation of firing last time felt like. I made sure I had perfect aim, prepared to pull the trigger…

  “Wait! Wait! Shit shit shit!”

  “Huh?” I said, accidentally moving the gun in Matty’s direction.

  “Fuck!” he said, ducking. “Do me a favor, Eve. Put that gun on the ledge.”

  “Oh, shit!” I said, feeling horrible.

  At least Matty was laughing as he rose from the ground. That put a smile on my face, even if I had committed one of the worst faux pas at a shooting range.

  “I was yellin’ at ya to get those headphones on ya,” he said. “I’m sure Derek finds ya sexy, but yer a lot sexier to him when ya can understand his words.”

  “Got it, sorry.”

  “Ain’t nothin’ to apologize for girlie. Well, aside from maybe pointin’ that gun at me.”

  I just smiled and winked, which drew a laugh from Matty, thank God. I didn’t want to think of how I’d feel if he actually got angry.

  I got the headphones on, got in the position from before, and fired.

  A dozen shots later, ten of which hit the head and two of which just barely missed, I dropped the gun.

  “Well…” Matty began, searching for the right words. “If I’da known ya could shoot like that, I’da gotten ya into the club a long time ago!”

  I laughed at his kind words but knew that was never going to happen. I was the girlfriend who could hold her own, which was good enough for me.

  “Alright, rifle time. Same thing.”

  And, sure enough, same result.

  “Well, girlie, I’d haveta say yer all set!” he said. “Welcome aboard the Saviors gravy train. Ya get to kill assholes, protect loved ones, and enjoy the occasional sex toy or weed.”

  “Sounds like a deal to me,” I said with exaggerated enthusiasm.

  We headed back to Derek, who picked up on my beaming smile that I had done quite well.

  “Gal’s got a better accuracy than ya do, boy,” Roost said with a laugh.

  “In that case, make her a sniper,” Derek said with a chuckle. “OK, let’s go over some last minute things here then.”