Home Again

by Christine L'Amour

  “You’re not,” Erika said firmly.

  “You’ve never read my writing,” Steph told her. “You can’t tell. I guess I stopped writing for a reason, but the more I read this the angrier I get, and I’m probably never getting anything published—“

  “Steph, you don’t know that—”

  “No? I’m twenty-six! I’ve met people who were published at sixteen. I’ve yet to do anything that was accepted anywhere, and believe me I used to write a lot more—”

  “You don’t have to give up,” Erika told her, a frown on her face. “Steph, I know you have some issues, but—you shouldn’t let them get in the way of doing what you want. If you—“

  The look Steph sent her was unimpressed and weary.

  “It’s not my multitude of issues stopping me, Erika,” she said blandly. “It’s the fact that my stories have without failure been refused so far and it’s been years. And anyway, it doesn’t matter, because writing doesn’t pay, and I’ve just been fired—“

  “What?” Erika said. “Just now? Jesus, Steph, why did they fire you?”

  Steph winced.

  “No, it’s been…some time. I’m staying as a freelancer. So, it’s not as bad! It’s not. Except… you know, no job security at all.”

  “Oh,” Erika said. “It’s been some time, but you’ve just been fired?”

  Steph winced again. “I went back ho—I visited my parents a couple of weeks ago because my boss wanted to talk to me about it.”

  “You didn’t tell me.”

  The words slipped out before Erika could keep them in, escaping her mouth sounding hurt even though she hadn’t meant to. Some time ago, Steph had said, and Erika thought that it had to have happened before she moved here, or at least before they really knew each other—

  But Steph had come home a few weeks ago from her trip, and she’d… she’d lied.

  She had lied to Erika.

  “You said you were just visiting your family,” she said.

  “I did visit them,” Steph defended, eyes on her computer. “And anyway, nothing’s wrong, everything’s fine, I haven’t been fired, just… changed positions, somewhat. And my pay even went up. So that’s that. But still—“ She drooped again. “I’m just sitting here revising this book and I hate it. I don’t know. I’ve never hated revising before. I’ve always loved editing.”

  Lying by omission is still lying, Erika thought.

  “Well, you’re a different person, in a different place,” Erika said instead, curling in on herself. She didn’t want to fight, even though it hurt. “Now you’re just a freelancer, maybe you can find another job somewhere you actually like.”

  “Maybe,” Steph allowed, then sighed. “I wish you’d asked me what I was doing two days ago. I could have told you I was writing, instead of telling you a bunch of stupid things I didn’t mean to blurt out like an idiot.”

  Ah, and Erika was hurt again, because Steph had basically just admitted she hadn’t meant to say anything—and she probably hadn’t been planning on telling her ever. Would she have lied, Erika wondered, in the future, just to avoid the mess? Told Erika she’d always been a freelancer? Or maybe she wasn’t planning on there being a future and—

  The thought came suddenly to Erika, six little words that she felt nearly made her stop breathing:

  Was Steph not serious about her?

  No, that couldn’t be that. She’d just told Erika she wanted children; they were both adults, they both knew they were talking about their future together, so that couldn’t be that. Erika was getting ahead of herself. Stephanie wasn’t Luciana. Erika shouldn’t be so worried about fucking up the relationship.

  But that didn’t change the fact that she hadn’t been planning to tell Erika these stupid things, as she’d called them.

  “Hey, Steph, so I’ve got to head to the restaurant,” Erika managed to say, standing up. “I’ll head home later. Try not to stay here too long, yeah? You’ve been here for hours. Take a break?”

  “Yeah,” Steph said vaguely, not looking away from her laptop, and Erika fled.

  ***

  “The thing is,” Steph said seriously, days later, holding a cat up to her face, “I don’t know which one Maria named Meatball. The traitor or the climber?”

  Erika didn’t turn around from Steph’s oven where she was making grilled cheese for dinner. It’d be browned perfectly, the cheese melted just so, and after the best grilled cheese of her life Steph would never lie to her again. Erika didn’t want to confront her, much less start a fight. She was so damn tired of fights. This would do.

  That was definitely how the world worked, Erika told herself.

  “Traitor?”

  “Traitor because unlike its sibling it didn’t come running to me once I went to pick them up at Jay’s.”

  “Since Traitor seemed to like them so much, maybe he’s Meatball.”

  “Hmm. I don’t know if it’s a he, or a she, or whatever.”

  Erika did turn around then.

  “Stephanie,” she said, “it’s been months, and you haven’t taken them to the vet yet?”

  Steph winced, bringing the cat to her chest. She was at her small kitchen table, the laptop beside herself forgotten in favor of her small companions. One was on her shoulders, rubbing itself against her face, and the other was in her hands. Erika wanted to take a damn picture, but she couldn’t stop paying attention to the sandwiches.

  She only had one picture of Steph. What a damn tragedy.

  At least it was her phone’s lock screen.

  “I will, soon! I promise. It just… slips so easily from my mind,” she said. “It’s not like they seem unhealthy, anyway.”

  “Yeah, but you have to chip them and stuff, get them their shots.”

  “I know,” Steph whined. “Anyway, where’s Luke?”

  “I’m not bringing my dog here before we introduce him properly to the cats! That way lies danger.”

  “It’ll be fine. “

  “Anyway,” Erika said. “I actually wanted to tell you about a barbeque my family’s throwing this weekend.”

  Steph winced.

  “Yeah, I don’t want to go either,” Erika said drily. “But maybe we could—“

  She was interrupted by the ringing doorbell. Steph startled, turning around to look at the door with a confused expression. Erika finished the sandwiches and plated them to set them on top of the table.

  “I’d never heard the doorbell before,” Steph said, and she smiled when Erika laughed.

  “Well, go get it. Maybe it’s Jay wanting to visit his grandkittens or something.”

  “We just got them back,” Steph grumbled on her way to the door. She opened it and froze—so suddenly stock still that Erika felt herself panic for a moment, even knowing that Steph sometimes worried about nothings for no reason. She rushed to her girlfriend’s side.

  “Hello, dear heart!” the boy at the door greeted.

  “Don?”

  Erika relaxed at the wonder in Steph’s voice. The boy at the door was tan like she was, with black hair and black eyes and a bright, open grin on his face. The girl beside him looked like a doll, pale and blond and blue eyed. She had a dog in her arms.

  “Viper, too?” Steph continued, turning to the girl. “And you brought Eddie.”

  “Veronica,” the girl corrected with a roll of her eyes, but her smile didn’t drop.

  “Bitch, who is that woman?” Don asked when he caught sight of Erika loitering by Stephanie’s side.

  Don, Erika thought. Don who was supposed to have moved in with Stephanie, who had a job and some problems and couldn’t come. Stephanie’s friend. Her best friend, maybe.

  Stephanie flinched.

  All eyes went to her.

  “Uh… this is Erika?” Steph tried, clutching a cat to her chest. “She’s… uh…”

  “Who is Erika and what’s she doing in your house?” Don asked. “She’s gorgeous, though, goddamn.”

  Erika felt the words lik
e arrows to her chest. It hurt.

  She couldn’t contain her own flinch, or the expression that crossed her face. Who is Erika? Stephanie’s best friend said, because he didn’t know her, because Steph hadn’t told him about their relationship at all.

  I do want children, Steph had said. Erika had thought it meant something, but the tiny stupid voice inside her head had been right, before, hadn’t it?

  Stephanie wasn’t serious about her.

  “Thank you,” Erika managed, composing herself. “I’m flattered. I’m… I should leave, actually.”

  “Erika—” Steph tried, turning to her—her expression was stricken, but Erika didn’t really want to look at her right now.

  Steph didn’t tell anyone about Erika, and she hadn’t told Erika about anything. Erika realized she didn’t know anything about Steph’s family; the names of her parents, what they did, or even what state she’d gone to when she went to visit them. She didn’t know which company Steph worked for, or anything about her friend aside from the fact that he’d died.

  Her house was empty. She hadn’t named the cats. She hadn’t told anyone about Erika. Could she have lied all this time? Maybe she hadn’t planned on staying here at all.

  “I have to go,” Erika said, shaking her head. “I have to check on the restaurant, it’s getting late. I’ll leave you to your friends, okay?” She turned to the two of them. “It was nice to meet you. I’ll see you later, maybe.”

  She walked past them, head down, and didn’t pay attention to the shocked silence of the three people at the door. With her back to the house, she didn’t see the tears in Steph’s eyes, or her outstretched hand.

  ***

  “So… wanna tell me what happened?”

  “No,” Erika told her brother, face-down on her couch. Luke was sprawled on top of her. She’d probably have keeled over and died as soon as she’d gotten home from sheer heartbreak if she hadn’t had him. Luke was the best boy. “Why are you in my house, Ed?”

  “I thought you’d sleep over at your girl’s house again.”

  “Yeah, well, that didn’t happen. Do you often come to my house when I’m not here?”

  “What happened?”

  “Nothing fucking happened, Edward,” Erika snapped, annoyed. “Stop coming to my house when I’m not here.”

  “Your TV is better than mine.”

  “If you had a job, Ed, you should save enough money to buy yourself a nice TV. Ever think of that?”

  “Fuck you.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Stephanie ushered her friends in and herded them to the couch. Her cats hissed at Eddie, but Don said he could keep them apart, so Stephanie fled to the kitchen to make some tea and also give herself a minute to feel like the worst piece of shit person in the universe.

  God, the face Erika had made. And then she’d left, even though they’d planned on another date, the two of them plus the cats and grilled cheese and some nice TV. They’d eat and then make out and then Erika would probably stay over again, because for some reason she seemed to like staying over for two or three days at a time—

  Stephanie made tea for her friends and felt like she’d swallowed a black hole.

  She hadn’t told anyone about Erika. But honestly, it wasn’t like she’d invited Don and Veronica! They’d just shown up! So, Stephanie just needed some time, she’d have told everyone eventually. God, she loved Don, but she really wished he’d visited, like, next week instead of today.

  Steph dropped her head forward until her forehead collided with a cupboard. She couldn’t know if next week she’d have told anyone about Erika.

  Probably not, she thought.

  “So, what’s up?” Don asked, slithering into the kitchen until he stood right beside her. “What just happened? You didn’t even hug us? Who was that woman, really? Since when do you have cats? Why do you only have two chairs on your four-person table? Why does your house have no curtains?”

  “Don,” Steph moaned, “I love you but why are you here? You told me you’d only be able to come at the end of the semester!”

  He was quiet for a moment.

  “I thought you’d be happy to see me,” he said, hurt. “What, I’m not allowed to see you more than once a semester now you’re living here?

  “No!” Steph protested, straightening up to look at him. She stepped forward and hugged him, arms around his neck, and he didn’t hesitate to hug her back. “Don, I love you, you can come any time, you know this house is yours too, I just… I wasn’t expecting it, and now I’ve screwed up.” She hid her face in his shoulder. “I fucked up, Don.”

  He sighed, patting her back.

  “Tell me what’s happening.”

  “She’s my girlfriend.”

  “Uh-hum. I see. And—wait, what?”

  “Erika’s my girlfriend, and now she knows I didn’t tell anyone about her, and—”

  “Dude, you have a girlfriend? That absurdly hot, tall woman is your fucking girlfriend?” He disentangled their limbs, grabbed Steph by her arms. “You didn’t tell me at all! What the fuck, Stephanie! How long have you two been together? How did this happen? When did you meet—“

  Stephanie grabbed his hands and took them away from her.

  “Don, I just—”

  “Jeez, of course she was upset. I’m upset. You have cats and I didn’t know. Steph, what’s been going on? I… I know you don’t tell us much, these days, but I thought you’d tell us those important things.”

  All at once it was too much.

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” she said, closing her eyes. “Okay, Don? I love you, I screwed up, but I don’t want to talk about it. Please, please, can you go to the couch and watch the cats? I’ll make some tea, the three of us will chit-chat, I’ll—I’ll get you some sheets and stuff, and later—”

  “Later when?”

  He sounded upset. He sounded hurt, and angry, and Steph didn’t want to deal with it. Don was upset that she didn’t talk to him, her family was upset that she wouldn’t go home, Erika was upset she didn’t tell anyone about her, Steph was upset at how much of a screw up she was—

  “Later,” Steph murmured, and turned her back to him.

  ***

  Steph didn’t stir even when she heard soft steps entering her room. When they stopped by her bed. When the mattress dipped under his weight. Don didn’t cuddle her or anything, just laid down beside her on her bed, on his back unlike her, who was curled on her side like the pathetic thing she was.

  “So?” he said.

  Stephanie shrugged minutely.

  “I thought we’d be so happy,” he murmured. “You’d show me your damn vegetable garden. We could go to a farmers’ market and buy some stuff together, and maybe I’d feel better, more like the house was mine, too. But you’ve just done your thing again.”

  Her thing. Haha, Steph thought without humor. They were right, though, he and Erika; Steph did have some issues.

  “What thing,” she asked anyway.

  “The thing where you cut yourself off from the world and end up spiraling into a negative mess. I guess Pedro was always better with you. Steph. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Me neither,” Steph said, and wasn’t that right: god, god, she had no idea what to do, ever, in her life, and suddenly she was crying on her pillow. “Don, I screwed up. What do I do now? Erika’s so upset, and I was finally doing something right! I was happy with Jay and Maria, I was going to take the cats to the vet, me and Erika were talking about things and now I’ve—I’ve even ruined your visit. I’m sorry, Don, I didn’t want to—“

  “Steph, it’s all right,” he said.

  “It’s not,” she told her pillow, trying to smother herself. “You came all the way here, you wanted to surprise me, and I just—I didn’t even hug you.”

  “You’re such a stupid bitch,” Don said with a sigh. “Steph, I’m right here. Just hug me now.”

  Steph curled u
p even further.

  “You don’t even have to do anything,” he continued, and his voice sounded closer. “Just give me a nod and I’ll hug you. We’ll spoon like we always did, and I’ll forgive you for making me be the big spoon for once. Just this once. And then later we’re gonna have some damn coffee—why did you give me tea, Stephanie—and then we’re going to talk.”

  “About what,” Steph mumbled, but Don only twisted around on the bed and curled himself around her, his arms around her neck and her face, his chest broad against her back—and Steph realized then how much she’d missed him. How much she’d missed this.

  Don was sleeping here with her, and Steph felt safe again.

  ***

  Stephanie hated Don and all of his plans, and most of all she hated it when he bribed her with his amazing carrot cake to do what he wanted. She stood in front of Erika’s front door with her two friends behind her and felt cold sweat running down her face. This had been an awful idea; she should have called Erika over, not come here to see her.

  But it had been two days, and Erika hadn’t spoken to her.

  There was noise in the house, specially coming from the backyard. The smell indicated a barbeque, which Steph vaguely remembered Erika mentioning, and her own subsequent panic at thinking about meeting her girlfriend’s family.

  Don kicked her shin. She rang the doorbell.

  A child promptly answered the door. It was a small boy who didn’t look older than seven, and he looked Steph up and down and turned around to holler at the house:

  “It’s Erika’s weird girlfriend!”

  Stephanie suddenly felt very small, mostly because she knew children parroted the things they heard from adults. She turned around to glare at Don and his stupid plan of coming over. He grimaced at her. Veronica sighed and patted Stephanie’s arm.

  People started to shout at each other, trying to reach Erika with the news Stephanie was there. Steph looked very firmly at the ground and tried not to notice how some people started very casually gathering around the open door, trying to see her. An older woman. An older man. An even older woman. Steph didn’t know who any of them were. She…didn’t know anything about Erika’s family.