Between Heaven and Hell

by Erin Trejo

  “Damn. You’re going to ruin the walls in this room,” Jordy chuckles. I don’t see this as a laughing matter. Snapping my head around, I move the gun to face him, now.

  “I didn’t ask you for your interior design input. Clean this bitch off my wall.” His smile fades. Jordy nods his head before making a few calls for the clean-up crew. I feel shitty for treating him the way I do but I can’t control myself anymore. Scrubbing my hand across my face, I turn and walk out of the room. At some point I'll have to pull my shit together. I head off to be ready to get at least a fucking hour of sleep and pray that I can actually do just that, but it doesn’t happen that way.

  Will the nightmares ever end? Will they always be the same? If it isn’t Amelia’s little bloody body, it’s Ava’s. One is real, while the other just taunts me. The night I lifted her in my arms, plays on repeat in my mind. So small and helpless. It was all my doing. I let her feel safe with me, with this family. I took her last breath. I sucked it right from her body like a goddamn siphon.

  Ava’s dreams are all different, but the end result is the same. She’s always bloody and lifeless. I find her much the same as Amelia. Her body's dumped like trash on my doorstep. Is it a premonition? Is it just the thoughts of her that haunt me? For the last five years I’ve tried to control myself. I’ve taken the goddamn medicine that the Doc gave me to sleep, but that only seems to intensify the dreams. I wake up much the same every time. My body shaking and covered in sweat. In every one, I lose her, much like I did five years ago. I lie back on my pillow and try to pull the good memories of her from the depths that I’ve kept them. Those seem to be the only things keeping me going at this point.

  Life has never made sense to me, but losing the two people that I cared about made it that much more confusing. Closing my eyes, I will the dreams to stop. I hate that I can control so much in my world but not this, not the feelings. Fog seems to sweep up around me. Maybe it’s the ashes of the hell that I live in. A knock on the door has me opening my eyes.

  “What is it?” It’s three in the goddamn morning. Whoever it is better make it good.

  “Cord, I need to speak with you.” Nikolai’s voice booms through the door. The tone that he has, tells me I need to hear this as much as I’d like to wait. Throwing my legs over the side of the bed, I walk toward the door. When I throw it open, I can see something’s off. It’s all over his face. I fucking hate when I see that look. It usually means someone is dead or I have to drag my ass out at some fucked up hour to handle someone else’s misfortunes.

  “What is it?” Shaking his head, he recomposes himself.

  “Governor Sinclair called. He needs to meet with you as soon as possible.” This couldn’t wait? I don’t give a damn about Sinclair.

  “Tell Sinclair to fuck off.” Waving my hand dismissively through the air, I start to close the door when Nikolai stops it.

  “No, Cordae. I think you want to hear him out on this one.” I turn on my heel to face him again. His older face is so grey and haunted. A man like Nikolai has lived this hell for as long as I’ve known him. I can imagine myself looking exactly like him. In fact, I can already feel it in my bones.

  “What exactly does Sinclair know that you think I’d actually give a shit about?” His eyes close momentarily before locking back on mine.

  “Ava. She’s missing.”

  How can her name, those three little letters, send chills up my spine? How does just hearing her name cause my stomach to clench? The bile that rises in my throat threatens to consume me.

  “What?” Shaking my head, I need to be sure that I’ve heard him correctly.

  “He’s had contact with her over the last few years. He hasn’t heard from her in a few months. He’s worried that something has happened to her.” I swallow hard. She’s missing. This is my fault. I should have kept protection on her, but I figured after Gambino was dead, she was safe. Nikolai shakes his head before he speaks.

  “I can see it in your eyes, Cordae. This isn’t your fault.” He knows me. He’s always known me.

  “Is that so? I should have kept track of her, Nikolai! Why didn’t I?” Raising my voice, I take a step back into my room. I can’t believe this is happening.

  “You thought she was safe. No one blames you!” He shouldn’t poke at the devil if he isn’t ready for the flame.

  “I blame me! I fucking blame me for all of this!” Tugging at my hair, Nikolai moves closer. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he lets out a sigh.

  “I knew this was going to be hard on you. I debated even telling you.” That’s it. I can’t handle this. Leaping off the bed, I grab him around the throat.

  “Who do you work for?” Growling in his face, he blinks rapidly.

  “I know who you are, Cord. I know the monster you’ve become. I see you breaking down every goddamn day. I didn’t want to see you further lose yourself.” His words slam into me like a fist to the stomach. They hurt deeper than any knife could. I release my grip on him before he slaps a hand on my shoulder.

  “Sinclair will be here at seven. I have our guys on it now. They are checking into things. In the meantime, I got that meeting with Luciano in Chicago. The Russians are moving in on them over there. Maybe it’s time to call a truce with some of the other families.” I don’t listen to any of that. Ava’s missing, and it is all my fault despite what he says. I broke that girl. I left her to pick up her own pieces. Pieces that I destroyed. I nod my head before Nikolai leaves the room.

  He’s right. I’m losing control of myself, of this family. I’m losing sight of the big picture. I grab my cell phone off the table next to the bed and pull up her picture. She was asleep when I took it. Her hair was fanned out around her. I can’t believe that I’ve ruined so many people in the short amount of time that I had them. Flipping to the next picture is Amelia. Her dark eyes lost in thought.

  She would have made an incredible woman. She was strong and full of life. She was a warrior whether I wanted to see it in her or not. I took that away from her. My negligence, my lack of responsibility, left her vulnerable.

  Now, I’ve done the same thing to Ava.

  Chapter 30

  My shower did little to erase what was said. As much as I’d like to apologize to Nikolai, that isn’t an option. It shows signs of weakness. Weakness that I’m not willing to show as he’s already seen too much of that from me.

  “Sinclair is here.” Jordy stands in my bedroom. I dry my hair before sliding my shoes on.

  “How does he look?” Buttoning the cuffs on my shirt, I wait for his answer. You can tell a lot about a man by the way he presents himself. That’s why no one has ever been able to read me. I keep myself composed. I don’t let anything show, much like I was taught.

  “He seems to be shook up. A little messy.” Nodding my head, I finish with the other sleeve.

  “Good.” I know it’s a good thing he looks like that. That means he’s more than likely being truthful about the whole situation. I run my hand through my disheveled hair before walking out of the bedroom, Jordy close behind me.

  I take in the hallway as I walk toward my office. So dark and silent. The eeriness is almost palpable. There are so many stories that have begun and ended at the hands of the Vitale men. So many memories that were both good and bad, that haunt these halls. As I round the corner and head into my office, I’m taken aback. Jordy didn’t lie when he said Sinclair looked a mess. I can’t even begin to rationalize that this has anything to do with the daughter that he betrayed.

  “Sinclair. You better have good news,” I grunt brushing past him to walk around my desk and sit in the leather chair. Clasping my hands together in front of me, I rest them on the desk.

  “There are a few things I’d like to discuss with you,” he says softly. His old eyes seem older in a way. It’s been several years since I’ve actually laid eyes on him. He’s aged, and not in a good way.

  “You have your own men, do you not? Why do you need me?” Watching him squirm gives me a high.
It hardens my cock knowing that the good old Governor had to come to me with his problems.

  “I do have my own men. My reach isn’t as far as yours, though. I’m sure you've heard by now that Ava is missing.” Just hearing her name rips me apart inside.

  “I have. Has it occurred to you that maybe, she just doesn’t wish to speak to you? You did kill her mother after all. That’s aside from the fact that you worked closely with Gambino.” His nostrils flare as his face reddens. I’ve struck a nerve. I like that.

  “I thought you might care.” Before he can finish, I must cut him off.

  “Care? Do I strike you as the caring type of man?” That’s almost an insult. Nikolai stands guard at the door with a grin plastered across his face.

  “You’re right. I shouldn’t have come here.” He stands to leave as I pull out the bottle of bourbon.

  “Sit!” The cold harsh demand has him dropping quickly back into the chair like the good little governor he needs to be. I reach into my desk drawer and pull out a bottle, pouring myself a drink as he watches. Pouring the amber liquid down my throat, I compose myself for what’s about to come.

  “I need answers. Why wasn’t she being watched by your men, Sinclair?” His head lowers, the sign of a coward. I didn’t need to see him like that to know what he is. I’ve always known it.

  “I had men on her for a few months. She slipped away from the few that got close to her. I just gave up after that. She’s an adult; I didn’t need to keep eyes on her.” He didn’t think he needed to keep eyes on the only child that he had? The one that he took so much from?

  “Your family values seem to be lacking, Sinclair. How is it that you can take so much from someone, and give nothing in return?” Shaking my head, I want nothing more than to climb across this desk and snap his goddamn neck for him.

  “You know nothing of my family life, Vitale!” I can’t help myself; I chuckle. Knowing more than he thinks, I feel the need to enlighten him.

  “I know that you killed your wife, and your daughter overheard the whole fucking conversation. I also know that you forced her to live in filth. To work in filth. Why? All because you kept her money from her when she turned of age. What kind of man does that make you, Sinclair?” Gritting my teeth, I can barely control my rage. Fire ignites in me and the devil’s horns work their way free.

  “You know nothing! She didn’t hear anything!” He is worse off than I thought.

  “Let me explain things to you, since you seem to lack the necessary tools to understand me,” I growl. Licking my lips, I lean onto the desk, resting my elbows there.

  “Your little girl ran into the arms of danger. Over and over, I fucked her little body until she couldn’t see straight. I took what I wanted from her and all because daddy was too busy to see it happening.” Sinclair’s face reddens further before he stands and slams his fists against my desk. There is always a breaking point and I just hit mine. Lunging out of the chair and straight for him, I wrap my hands around his throat before slamming him onto my desk in a flash.

  “Now you listen, Governor, and you listen good. You will locate Ava, and you will report to me. Every little thing you find out, I will know. If there is even a breath of a chance that they found one of her pretty little hairs, you will bring it to me. You are in no position to come to me, asking for help. You are mine now. I fucking own you, and all that comes with you. You may utilize my men and my reach, but when she’s found, She. Is. Mine.” Growling the last few words, his eyes widen in shock. The look on his face doesn’t hide the truth from me. I can see it. He doesn’t want this. He doesn’t like this, but that means nothing. He will do as I say.

  “Do you understand?” Nodding his head, I release his throat. He coughs and gags trying to catch his breath before looking at me.

  “And what do you intend to do with my daughter if you get her?” Did he just say if? I think it would be wise to say when I get her because I will get her.

  “When, I get her, she will be mine. There is nothing left that you need to know. Get the fuck out of my office and be thankful that I didn’t blow your brains all over my wall.” Sinclair looks as though he wants to say more. He should be thankful when he doesn’t. I don’t think my mind could have taken anything further.

  “Make sure that scum leaves without another word. Get Mike and Antonio on his ass. I want to know his every move. If he pisses, I want to know for how long. If he fucks some whore, I want know about it.” Nikolai knows I’m not playing around on this. The look on his face says as much.

  “Understood. The plane will be ready first thing Thursday morning. Luciano is expecting you.” With a quick nod, he walks out to handle business.

  Chapter 31

  Depraved and in the dark. That’s how I dreamt of her last night. She was alone and lost. She didn’t understand anything that was going on. I hate that I don’t know where she is and if she’s okay.

  “The car’s here.” Jordy stands in the doorway of my office. I nod before shaking out a few aspirin into my hand.

  “You chasing those with vodka?” His teasing tone makes me smile. If only it were a real smile.

  “That isn’t the correct way?” Swallowing the pills down, I push out of my chair, making my way to the door.

  “I worry about you, Cord. You’re my best friend. I feel like you’re wearing yourself down, though.” I stop next to him and place my hand on his shoulder. Jordy has known me since I was young. He’s always had my back and been by my side. I don’t need him to worry about me.

  “Some days I feel like I am, Jordy. When does this shit end? When does the fighting and bloodshed cease?” He drops his head knowing what I mean.

  This is the life of the mafia. There is no escaping it. This is what life will always be for me, for us.

  “It never ends. We’re running in circles, Cord. Like a fucking dog chasing its tail.” With those words, he spoke the truth. The truth that I needed so much to hear.

  “Exactly. We fight every day of our lives to make a better life for our famiglia.”

  “What family? I don’t have shit except you,” he chuckles. I nod knowing what he means but I also know there’s more out there for him.

  “You’re a good man, Jordy. You’ve worked hard for me. You’ve taken hit after hit, being my right hand. You deserve to be happy. Find that right woman.” His chuckle makes me laugh.

  “You’re the one that told me that there is no room for a wife and family in this, Cord.” He smiles brightly at me, but my smile fades. I remember telling him that. I remember that conversation vividly. He was dating a woman, but she didn’t know who he was. I made sure to let him know that it would never work.

  “Maybe I was wrong.” With that, I walk away from him.

  Walking down the stairs, my heart pounds just like every other time I’ve walked out those doors.

  The people that say time heals are a bunch of liars. Time does nothing but eat you alive. It eats at your soul, at every last being that lives within you. It ate away at what emotions I thought I was forming. Swallowing hard, I walk through the door Romero is holding open. Before I step out, I take a deep breath. Walking over where I found Amelia’s body sends shivers up my spine, just as it does every other time I leave the house. I make my way to the waiting limo in a daze. When I climb in, I’m glad to see Nikolai in the seat across from me. It’s like an unspoken agreement that we have. Nikolai knows that I can handle myself, but he makes it a point to be near when I’m in this sort of mood.

  Heading to Chicago isn’t my ideal trip. The Luciano family is as ruthless as we are. They are a vital part of the mafia family. With the Russians moving in on them, that in turn means they are moving in on us. The Bratva has always been a thorn in our sides but now more than ever, they may want to rethink that. After the last five years of hell that I’ve lived, even I am afraid of me.

  We made it to the airport in a short time and the flight wasn’t as long as it felt. It seemed to go on forever.

  Nikol
ai and I climb into the waiting limo. The ride through Chicago is unusual.

  “I haven’t been here in years,” I muse as I glare out the window.

  “It has been a while. The first time I ever came here was many years ago with your uncle. Bloody Sunday had just occurred. Luciano’s needed all the help they could get at the time. It was over before it began, though. The Morelli’s had taken over sixty percent of their territory.” I’ve heard the stories. One of the most gruesome scenes that ever happened from what I understand.

  “When did the Luciano’s take back over?” I know when it was. I also know that this is Nikolai’s way of dealing with stress. Telling me stories from the past, he relieves the stress that we face and to be honest, I like hearing the stories as he tells them.

  “Around a year later. The Morelli’s never had it in them to keep up. They were always a step behind the rest. Some call it luck that they even won for a year. I know it was more than that. Gambino’s put out some of their best soldiers that year. We watched them fall as the battle moved forward. Now we have the Russians to worry about.” Nodding as he speaks, I can physically watch the stress fall away from his shoulders. A boulder has been lifted from him.

  “The Vitale’s are stronger than that. We can take on the Russians with the help of the Luciano’s. I have no doubts in that.” Nikolai’s eyes come to rest on mine. There is so much wisdom within them. Pulling up in front of the Luciano mansion, I adjust myself in my seat. If this meeting doesn’t go well, I’m not sure where to turn next. Our door is opened before we climb out. Heading up the stairs, we’re stopped by Luciano soldiers. I hold my arms out to the sides allowing them to search me. No one bats an eye when they check my gun in its holster.

  “Remove that.” The man nods toward my gun causing me to smile.

  “Do I appear to be a fool to you?” Cocking my head to the side, I take in the man. He’s a big burly type but nothing I haven’t fought before.