Between Heaven and Hell

by Erin Trejo

  “We won’t allow you to ruin what we’ve set in motion, Cordae. You Vitale men have taken far more than your share for a long time.” Gonzo looks dead serious as he looks me in the eye.

  “You’ve always been the weak link, Gonzo. Since my uncle held his place, you were beneath him. You never liked that, did you?” He huffs before adjusting his gun in his hand.

  “It’s unfortunate, yes, but not on my end.” Whistling, the rest of my guys move in from the back. They quickly overtake the three men that stood guard. The men’s eyes dart around as that familiar look of fear creeps over their features. A smile tugs at my mouth as I take in the scene in front of me.

  “Fine. You win Vitale. We will agree to your terms.” Bonoto turns to face me now. I shake my head. That isn’t good enough for me.

  “I didn’t realize I offered a negotiation. As far as I’m concerned, you and your families are disposable. You aren’t needed, nor do you do us any good.” Aiming my gun at Bonoto’s head, he shakes his, raising his hands in defeat.

  “Cordae, we knew your uncle. You grew up with us.” Is that begging? I fucking hate begging. Did he think that throwing in my uncle would detour me from what I really want?

  “My uncle is no longer with us as you all know. I am the deciding factor. You were nothing to me growing up and you are nothing but a thorn in my side now. You work under false pretenses, and I’m afraid I’ve given you a false sense of security.” Pulling the trigger, I watch his body fall to the floor. I should regret what I’m doing. I should feel something for taking their lives, but I don’t. The men move for their guns when I stop them.

  “Tsk Tsk. I tried to be reasonable, did I not? Your families are dragging us down. I regret that this is the end of the line for you. I truly wish that you would have been more understanding.” Moving from man to man, I shoot them all, watching them fall to the floor.

  I hear three more shots and know that Romero took out the last of the men that were in the building. I stand still as I take in the scene before me. Nikolai places his hand on my shoulder before I glance over at him.

  “Being the Boss isn’t easy as you know. It takes a strong man but even stronger heart to move his family forward.” His words hang in the air as he turns to leave the building. I stand there for a few more minutes taking in what I’ve done. I can only hope that I made the right choices here.

  The Bratva won’t be moving in on us.

  Chapter 40

  As soon as we stopped, I was out of the car and in the house. I hit the stairs, taking them two at a time until I got to my office. Closing the door behind me, I head toward my desk. I pull out the bottle of bourbon, not bothering with a glass. This night hasn’t gone as planned. I was so hopeful that they would offer to take me up on my end of the deal but there was always that lingering voice saying they wouldn’t. There were several people that played key parts in my life growing up. The three men that I murdered tonight were the majority of them. I don’t know how to deal with the newfound feelings that Ava has set off inside of me. This is part of the reason why I didn’t want her around. Taking another long pull from the bottle, I relish the burn. I need that now.

  I need the haze that only the alcohol can give me. For the first time in my life, I’m actually thinking about the goddamn kill. I’ve never let it affect me. I’ve always taken that life and moved on as if it never occurred.

  I drink until my vision blurs. The more the room seems to tip, the better. The door opens and I honestly don’t care if Nikolai or Jordy comes in here to bitch at me. I need this reprieve. I’m losing myself. I’m losing sight of who the hell I am. I’m not me. I’ve become weak.

  “Are you okay?” Ava’s voice swarms me. It resonates itself deep inside of me.

  “No.” The answer is truth. I’m not okay.

  “What can I do?” She comes closer as the room spins. I’m lost in all that is wrong.

  “Disappear.” The word comes out as a whisper from my lips. I didn’t mean them. I know in my heart that I didn’t. The darkness is sucking me deeper into its depths, and there is no way that I can pull myself out of it.

  “I won’t let you push me away, Cord.” Looking up, I catch her gaze. So beautiful, yet oblivious to the world around her.

  “I know you won’t.”

  Her hands are on my shoulders before I can push them away. I want to push her away. The demon within me wants to push her away.

  “You’re only getting yourself deeper in this.” The world sways but I don’t care. She’s going to hear every last thing I have to say right now.

  “Talk to me.” Her words are meant to soothe me, to help me, but they don’t. They rip at me, tearing me apart.

  “I’ve taken so many lives that I shouldn’t have. Even tonight, I took some of the people that have known me since I was born.” The silence grows in the room. My heart hammers in my chest as I keep trying to keep her at arm’s length.

  “Cold blooded murderer. I kill, I take what I want. Much like I took you. I wanted you, Ava. I wanted everything good that you had inside of you. I fucking ripped that all away from you. I instilled the darkness that haunts you at night. I replaced your light with my dark. I ruined you.” My drunken self is letting all the walls crumble around us. She is going to get a glimpse of the man that she has come to love.

  “Cord.” My name leaves her mouth, but I shake my head. I’m not finished.

  “I thought that I had found something in you, something good. I needed it. I wanted it. You came into my world and tipped it over. You were nothing I needed, but everything I wanted. My world was lost after you and Amelia. I thought I could make it the way I was. I slowly lost myself. I don’t know who I am anymore, Ava.” She moves around to stand in front of me before leaning down. Catching my face in her hands, she holds me there.

  “You are Cordae Vitale. You are an amazing man, a fearless leader. You rule your own empire. You make the rules. You can’t change your feelings as much as you don’t like them. One day, Cord, you are going to have to be true to yourself. You are going to have to admit to your feelings before it’s too late, and there will come a day, when it’s too late.” She’s right. I don’t know when she came to know so much, but I know that she’s right.

  “I can’t say it when I’m sober yet because I’m afraid of what will happen if I do. Right now though, in this moment, I can. I can tell you that I love you more than my own life. I’d die in place of you. I’d take away all your pain just to see you smile. You are everything to me, and I can’t fucking understand how that happened.” Her eyes sparkle with tears. I know this needs to be done. All the things need to be said.

  “I love you, too. I would die for you, Cord. You mean everything to me whether you believe it or not.” Grabbing her face with one hand, I pull her around the waist with the other, pulling her closer to me.

  “Death is all I have to look forward to. The devil was once an angel but that can never be reversed. I can’t be reversed. How is the devil to love an angel?”

  Ava reaches for my pants, unzipping them before licking her lips. I don’t know how to make this work but the way I feel inside, I know I can’t let her go. I have to find a way to make this work with her.

  “What are you doing?” Lifting my hips for her, she slides my pants and boxers off before lifting the shirt she’s wearing over her head. Her gorgeous body is on display for my eyes only. Ava climbs on my lap, straddling me before reaching for my cock. Her eyes burn holes through me as she watches me intently.

  “We’re not all angels. We’re not all devils. There is an in between. You have to balance on that ledge before you realize it.” Ava slides herself down on my cock as I suck in a breath. My hands come to find her hips, holding her in place as she slowly rocks against me.

  “Are we that line, Ava?” So slowly, she rotates her hips.

  “We can be if you let us.” My fingers dig into her skin. Knowing I’m going to leave marks just heightens what I feel.

  “Is that
what you want? Even if death is a possibility of loving me?” The undeniable question has to be asked. I can’t move forward if she has any kind of doubt within her.

  “Death would be sweet if it meant that I loved you as much as I could.” I gasp for air. I’ve never known anyone like her. I’ve never known a woman that would be willing to give her life for loving me. It amazes me that Ava is so selfless, that she would agree. She lifts her body before sliding back down my length giving me the best feeling in the world. Her fingers cling to my shoulders as I raise my hips, needing to be deeper inside of her. I need this contact with her.

  “I love you, Ava. I want you, and only you. Marry me.” My lips brush over her skin as bumps form in their wake. Her head snaps up, her eyes locking with mine.

  “I love you, too.” She doesn’t say the words I need to hear, though. She doesn’t say yes.

  A part of me rips in half but the other part knows the hell that’s she’s lived through.

  I grip her hips harder and slam into her. Thrusting as hard as I can, she clenches around me.

  “I will marry you, Cord. All I want is you.”

  Chapter 41

  The last few days have been perfect. Ava keeps my mind occupied. She’s everything I’ve ever needed in my life. We sit in the bed in a comfortable silence when she reaches for her old phone. She slides it to life before flipping through pictures.

  “I don’t remember these.” Her voice is low and strained. I know it eats at her, that she still doesn’t fully remember things.

  “It’s in Italy. It’s beautiful.” Ava nods her head as she scrolls through the pictures. The one she stops on causes me to flinch. I look over at her as she stares at the photo of a little girl.

  “The eyes of an angel.” Those words have only tumbled from my lips when I saw Ava. The little girl in that picture has her eyes. Her dark hair hangs around her face.

  “Who is she?” My voice catches in my throat as I realize that she looks just like Amelia with blue eyes.

  “I don’t...” Oh my God.

  “Ava. You cried out that first night for your daughter.” Once the words leave my mouth, Ava leaps off the bed.

  “How could I forget my own child!” Her screams pierce the room as I let that sink in. She has a child. Is she mine? Is she alive? Where the hell is she? So many questions that go unanswered. I watch Ava as she stares at the picture with tears streaming down her cheeks.

  “Ava. Ava, look at me.” When she doesn’t move, I climb off the bed in complete confusion. I stalk toward her with a purpose. When I grab her by the shoulders, she still doesn’t look up.

  “Ava, I need you to focus right now.” Her eyes jerk to mine. Fear, regret, shock, it’s all there in those eyes.

  “We have to find her. Cord, we have to find her.” Sobs rip through her body as I drag her against me. I hold her as closely as I can. Is this something that I can handle?

  “I didn’t want to tell you. I left when I found out. I didn’t want her to be like Amelia.” Her body shakes. Realization hits me in the chest, sucking the air from my lungs. She knew how much Amelia meant to me, and she kept my child from me?

  It’s unforgivable isn’t it? Can I forgive her for that? We’ve already been through so much. Now this?

  “Ava, I don’t know what to say.” She pulls back, her red eyes digging into me.

  “You have to understand. You pushed me away for that very reason.” Shaking my head slowly, I don’t know what to say. I’m in complete shock.

  “We need to find her.”

  With my head in my hands, I lean on the desk in front of me. I thought my world was out of control before, it’s explosive now. I have a daughter. A daughter that has never known me. In my mind I know that’s not a bad thing. She doesn’t need a monster in her life. Nikolai walks in through the open door with papers in his hands.

  “You look like shit.” I don’t acknowledge him. I’m lost in myself.

  “We have men out searching for information. Luciano has his men out in Italy as well. We will find her, Cord.” He’s always so sure of things.

  What if not finding her is the best for her? Has that yet to cross anyone’s mind? Being a Vitale, she will be in danger, just like Amelia.

  “Then what?” I risk a glance at him, and his eyes tell it all.

  “Then you take care of your family! We do not need this again, Cordae. Your uncle…” I can’t hear it again.

  “My uncle is dead! Nikolai, I can’t be what they need! We’ve proven this time and time again!” Rage boils its way up inside of me. Nikolai has his own anger; I can see it.

  “Then why did you drag her back here, Cordae? Why put her through this?” His voice rises higher than it ever has with me. I’m almost taken aback.

  “I’m selfish! I want the goddamn fairy tale! Do you know that I dreamt of an angel since I was thirteen years old? Her eyes were the color of heaven. She came to me almost every night in my dreams. She made me think there was more to my life.” I’ve never told anyone about that dream.

  “She is that angel, Cord. Open your goddamn eyes! Don’t throw away a future that you could have with her.” God, what is it going to take to make him understand that I can’t lose anyone else?

  “Nikolai! I have no future! All I have left is darkness!” Slamming my fists onto the desk in front of me, I want to explode.

  Nikolai advances on me quickly. In the blink of an eye, he has me around the throat, slamming me against the wall.

  “You listen to me, Cordae Vitale. Your life is worth more than you think! You take away from yourself for this family! Do you know what that woman and child are to you? They are your family! Give in to it, Cord! You are no different inside than any other man. You could walk out the door and be shot on site just as easily as anyone else could! What happened to Amelia was not your fault! As much as you’d like to place all the blame on yourself, you have to stop. For them, you have to stop!” His words hammer themselves into my heart. A single tear slides down my cheek. Nikolai has never spoken to me in this manner before.

  Reality is consuming. My reality.

  Nikolai releases the hold he has on me, taking a deep breath, trying to steady his breathing. He takes a step back as I stand in a stunned silence.

  “You were more of a father to me than my real father was. I’ve disrespected you far more than any one person should. You have to know how much you mean to me, Nikolai, but you also know the reality of our world. Even if I wanted to let go and let myself feel, where would that get me in the end?” My tone has calmed. My voice is barely a whisper.

  “Dead.” The single word that leaves his mouth is the one that I was looking for.

  Chapter 42

  “Tell me good news, Juno.” My head throbs as I sit in front of the man that I have put in charge of a majority of my business.

  “Slim came by. He has a big order that he needs as soon as humanly possible.” Chuckling, Slim always needs things quickly.

  “What else is new? I wanted to make you an offer. Things have changed.” His eyes fill with worry.

  “Nothing to worry over, Juno. We’ve had some discussions about your work ethic. You’ve cleaned up really well, Juno. The guns run smoothly; the powder is always flowing. Now that you’re not smoking your own shit, I think a promotion is in order.” Juno leans back in his seat before taking a deep breath.

  “I don’t know what to say, Cord.” With a grin on my face, I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees.

  “We’ve always had you on ten percent. That seems low for the work you do. I’m going to give you twenty percent. I want the same guns running. Handguns on the street, machine guns underground.” Juno stares at me as though I’ve lost my mind.

  “Goddamn. I appreciate that, Cord. I also know of a few things that will interest you. I knew we were meeting today so I didn’t call. There’s a guy in Italy, Terantino. Word is he has something that belongs to you. I don’t know what it is, though.” My heart ceases to beat. It stops
in my chest.

  “Did he say anything else?” Juno shakes his head. I blow out a breath. It’s a start.

  “See what else you can get me. You’ll be repaid for any information that you come up with.” Juno nods before I push up out of the chair.

  “I’ll see what I can find out.” Turning on my heel, I head out of the room and toward the car.

  “Have you heard anything from Luciano?” Nikolai shakes his head before I climb into the car.

  The ride back home isn’t settling at all.

  “Take me to the cemetery.” Hollering over the seat, the driver nods.

  I lean back and close my eyes. Visions of that little girl float through my mind. How could I have not known I had a child?

  How could Ava have been so selfish, keeping her from me? The car comes to a stop. I climb out and head straight for my uncle’s and Amelia’s graves. Looking between the two of them, I’m lost.

  “I never wanted anything to happen to you, Amelia. I know it’s too late now. You are always part of the predicament that I’m in, though. I ruined you. I failed to protect you the way a brother should. You were my responsibility, and I let you down. I don’t know if my baby girl is already with you or not, and I know I have no business asking this of you. But could you protect her the way I couldn’t protect you?”

  I sat at the cemetery most of the night. My heart was heavy, and my mind was numb. I understand why Ava kept my daughter from me. It makes sense regardless of how much it hurts. Storms rage within me. Lightning strikes my heart without reserve. I couldn’t force myself to go in the house just yet. I sit on the stairs out front staring at the spot I found Amelia.

  “She was beautiful. She loved you.” Lowering my head, this is the last thing I want to do. Ava moves to sit next to me. Reaching for my hand, she intertwines our fingers. The warmth that floods me soothes my insides.