Kissing Lessons

by Sophie Jordan

  “Fine,” Nolan said quickly, staring intently at Hayden.

  He might be answering Emmaline, but his gaze was fixed on Hayden, his deep brown eyes full of something that looked like an apology and that gave Hayden pause.

  He knew. He understood her embarrassment and he was sorry for it.

  Emmaline blinked. “Fine? Just like that?”

  “Yeah.” He shrugged and the gesture seemed as uncomfortable as Hayden felt. Incredibly, her discomfort actually made him uncomfortable. She slid her gaze away, not sure what to do with that realization.

  “Em, you’re seventeen,” he said in a level voice. “I’m not going to be here next year, as you’ve pointed out.”

  “That’s true.” Emmaline smiled brightly. “You know I love your stupid face, right?”

  He released a little laugh that sent flutters over Hayden’s skin.

  Nolan pressed a hand over his heart. “Your love overwhelms me, Em.”

  Emmaline punched him in the arm. “Cut it out.”

  “I might as well let you start living your own life now without me butting into it. Gotta get you ready for when I’m not around every day.”

  Lia slurped loudly from her straw. “You guys are so cute. For real, you’re like a Hallmark movie.”

  Emmaline rolled her eyes. “Shut up, Lia,”

  She wasn’t wrong. They were what family should be. Functional.

  Lia rushed ahead to Nolan’s truck. “Guys! C’mon! All my bits are freezing.”

  Emmaline hurried to join her. “You’re such an idiot,” she teased.

  For a moment, Nolan and Hayden stood alone.

  “That was nice of you,” Hayden murmured. Embarrassing for her, but nice for them.

  He shrugged. “It was nothing. The right thing to do.”

  And that summed up Nolan Martin. He was a nice guy who ultimately did the right thing.

  I’m not the right thing.

  His eyes softened as he looked at her and that did funny things to her.

  Stomach churning, she turned away and joined the girls waiting outside the truck. Nolan unlocked the doors and then they were headed back to the Martins’ house.

  Hayden spoke up as a CVS appeared in the near distance. “Hey, can you pull over real quick?”

  Nolan obliged, parking near the front doors.

  Hayden swung around and beckoned Emmaline with a crook of her finger. “C’mon, you.”

  With a wary smile, Emmaline hopped out of the truck and followed her into the store. “What are you getting?” she asked.

  “I’m not getting anything. You are.”

  “I am?”

  Hayden walked with purposeful strides, turning down an aisle and stopping. With her hands on her hips, she faced rows and rows of boxes.

  Emmaline followed the direction of her gaze.

  “Um. What . . .”

  Hayden bent and plucked a box up off the shelf. “Again. I am not doing anything, but you are.” Holding on to the box, she resumed her search, selecting a second one from the shelf and then assessing them side by side with squinting eyes. Apparently satisfied, she handed both of them to Emmaline. “Here you go.”

  Emmaline glanced down at one of the boxes. “Brazen Bombshell,” she read. Then she read the other one. “This one is a bleach!”

  Hayden nodded and buried her hands in her pockets. “We’ve got to lighten your hair first. Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing, and Brazen Bombshell sounds about right for what you want.”

  “You want me to color my hair?”

  She arched an eyebrow at the younger girl. “You want to signal to the world that you’ve changed . . . that you’re ready for a change? This can be that signal.”

  Emmaline looked back down at the box uncertainly while fingering a lock of her hair. “It’s . . . extreme.”

  “I thought extreme was what you wanted. Look, this isn’t some teen movie. I’m not talking about a full makeover that’s going to change your world, but you want to get noticed? Spice things up a little? Brazen Bombshell will achieve that. Plus, that shade of red will look hot on you.”

  Emmaline stared down at the boxes again, clearly imagining the vibrant hue on herself. “You’re right.” She nodded. “Let’s do it.”

  They walked to the waiting cashier.

  As Emmaline paid, Hayden’s gaze drifted out the glass door to where Nolan was parked, his hands draped casually over the steering wheel, his gaze fixed straight ahead. Directly on Hayden. Prickles of heat cascaded over her face and she forced her attention on the cashier ringing them up.

  It was scary how good those eyes felt on her.

  Lesson #22

  If you’re not having fun anymore, why bother?

  x Nolan x

  Nolan couldn’t hide from Priscilla forever.

  It was time to own up to his feelings.

  His encounter with Pris at the doughnut shop had been strained. She’d been with friends, sparing them both from a serious conversation, but she’d made her displeasure abundantly clear at seeing Hayden with him, and her judgment didn’t sit right with him. She had no reason to dislike or disapprove of Hayden other than allowing rumors to influence her. Other than buying into what other people said. What other people thought.

  The opinions of others prejudiced her, and even though he knew he had been guilty of the same bias, he wasn’t anymore.

  Since the night he sat on Hayden’s couch and watched movies with her and listened to her theories on surviving a zombie apocalypse, she’d become a real person to him. Not just a rumor.

  Things were different now. He was different too.

  He’d lost it during Emmaline’s slumber party and acted like a jerk, but he was over that. He was done being like everyone else who was quick to condemn, say terrible things, and then go about life blithely ignorant or indifferent to their prejudice. He didn’t even know what was worse: Ignorance or indifference?

  Whatever the case, his eyes had been opened.

  He could not go back now.

  Hayden lived a hard life. She had her armor, but she was interesting and real and different from all his other friends.

  Since the night she spent at his house, he couldn’t stop thinking about her. He couldn’t stop wanting to see her again. Be with her again like they’d been together then.

  Nolan didn’t regret that kiss. Maybe that made him a bad person, but he couldn’t regret it. It didn’t matter who initiated it because he’d kissed her back. He’d wanted it to happen.

  He had kissed her like his life depended on it. As though it was his last act on earth, he had kissed her back. It only confirmed what he had felt for a while now. Or at least how he felt toward Priscilla. He expelled a breath. Apathy.

  Okay, so apathy was a decided lack of feeling, but that’s how he felt when he was with Priscilla. That’s how he had felt about Priscilla for quite some time. A lack . . . of everything.

  He’d been trying to deny it. He’d fought it because two years was a long time to be with someone. Priscilla had been there for him in what was probably the darkest time in his life—at least as of yet.

  Even before his interaction with Hayden, he had actually used the excuse that he needed to give his dog a bath rather than hang out with Priscilla. It wasn’t a lie. He did bathe his dog then, but that only took forty minutes. The rest of the time he had played basketball at the nearby park and watched TV.

  It was time to face the truth. He didn’t want to be with Priscilla anymore. He felt awful about how this played out—that it took kissing another girl for him to acknowledge that, but the sentiment had been there for a while now.

  He had loved Priscilla. Truly. At least in the beginning. And in the middle. She’d made him feel good when he had felt so bad following Dad’s death.

  At home, Nolan had been the rock his mom and sisters needed. He had been there for them while Priscilla was there for him. At first as a friend, and then more. Since freshman year, Priscilla had been a constant in
his life.

  It was hard letting go of that. He felt disloyal for even considering it. So, he had never allowed himself to consider it.

  Until now.

  He couldn’t lie to himself anymore.

  He wasn’t sure when he had stopped loving her, but now he knew he had, because if he loved Pris, he would not have kissed Hayden Vargas back. He was not the type of guy to love someone and be okay with kissing another girl.

  He knew what needed to be done. He just wasn’t sure how to do it.

  He dodged Priscilla at lunch, texting her that he needed to go over some college stuff with the counselor. Not true. He hid like a coward in the library, but there was no evading her after school.

  “Nolan!”

  He stopped at the sound of his name, recognizing the voice instantly. His palms grew clammy with sweat even though his breath fogged in the cold air.

  Don’t be a coward. Get it over with.

  Tightening his grip on the straps of his backpack, he turned to face her.

  “Hey, babe!” She stood on her tiptoes to give him a kiss. He turned his face slightly so that it landed half on his cheek and not on his mouth. It didn’t feel right to accept a kiss from her. Not now. Not with what was coming. “I haven’t seen you all day.”

  “Yeah, it’s been busy.” He’d had to be at school early, so she drove herself this morning. There was that small relief.

  They walked together through the parking lot, side by side.

  “What are you doing tonight? Do you want to study at my house?”

  A normal request. He’d studied at her house countless times.

  He sucked in a breath. He’d never done this before. Priscilla had been his first serious girlfriend. Breaking up with a girl wasn’t in his repertoire of skills.

  He didn’t know how to do it. Maybe there wasn’t any right way. Maybe ugliness was unavoidable.

  A year ago, he’d thought they would never break up. He thought they would last, that they would be one of those rare couples to make it—high school sweethearts who went on to marry. It happened. Those couples existed.

  At her car, he stopped and faced her. A quick glance around revealed no one nearby. Good. They didn’t need an audience.

  “We need to talk, Priscilla.”

  She stilled, almost like an animal in the wild. As though she had caught the scent of something . . . blood in the water. She cocked her head to the side, her sleek auburn hair sliding over her shoulder from the motion. “That sounds ominous.”

  “I don’t mean for it to be.”

  Her gaze locked steadily on his face. “You don’t mean for it to be . . . but you’re not saying anything to reassure me.”

  He winced. Reassuring her would just be a lie. “Yeah.” He lifted a hand and rubbed at the back of his neck.

  Her expression twisted with emotion. Just a flash of it, and then she composed herself. “Just spit it out, would you?”

  He released another gust of breath. “I’m sorry, Priscilla. So sorry. I didn’t want this to ever happen.”

  A long beat of silence fell.

  A breeze lifted the hair from her shoulders. After a moment, the air stilled and the strands settled back into place.

  She nodded stiffly, understanding dulling her eyes. “You didn’t want this to happen,” she said slowly. “But it’s happening. That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it?” Another beat of silence as she considered him. “It’s happening. You don’t want me anymore.”

  “Priscilla, what we had—”

  “Had? Already speaking in past tense, Nolan? Is it that easy for you?”

  “Nothing about this is easy,” he quickly returned. He swallowed against the lump in his throat. “I’ve thought about the best way to do—”

  “You’ve thought about this?” She studied him intently, starkly, emotion entering her gaze. “For a while now, it seems. How long have you wanted to break up with me, Nolan?”

  He shook his head. No way was he answering that. Even if he could pinpoint the precise moment, he was definitely not going to tell her their relationship had been broken for some time.

  “You will always mean a great deal to me. You got me through some really shitty times—”

  “Tell me,” she demanded. “How long has our relationship been dead to you?”

  He stifled a cringe and wondered what he could say to make this any less awful. “Oh, come on, Pris. Can you honestly say you’ve been happy with me lately? It hasn’t been good between us in a while. It’s nothing like it was in the beginning.”

  “Oh, Nolan. Don’t be an idiot. So we’re out of the honeymoon phase. That happens. Relationships are hard work. They’re about compromise. It can’t be all butterflies and rainbows forever.”

  He shook his head. That seemed reasonable. Except . . .

  “We’re still young, Pris. Not a middle-aged married couple that should have to work at it and compromise,” he countered. “We don’t need to do that. Shouldn’t it still be fun? Exciting? Don’t you want that? You deserve it. We both do.”

  She fell quiet.

  He hoped she was turning that over in her mind . . . seeing that this was right for both of them.

  She nodded once, the motion as stiff as a robot. “This is it then. We’re done.”

  “It’s just not the same anymore. Haven’t you felt it too?” he pressed, hoping to get her to at least admit that. Maybe it was just to make himself feel better, but he needed her to say it.

  “You mean have I felt you pulling away? You rejecting my every effort to pull us back together? Your impatience with me? Yeah, I felt that. I felt all of that.”

  Okay, so maybe it really was all on him. Maybe he didn’t get to feel better about this and that was simply his burden to bear.

  “That’s fair.” He nodded. He’d take the hit. He’d be truthful. “I guess it’s me. I just don’t feel the same way anymore, Priscilla.”

  “Well, isn’t that great for you?” She released a bitter laugh. “You want to know how I feel? I feel like I just wasted two years of my life on you.”

  He shook his head, genuinely sad she felt that way. “I don’t feel like that. Not at all. I don’t regret us. We were good when we were good, Priscilla.”

  Her laugh twisted even more. “Are you kidding me?”

  He blew out a frustrated breath.

  It made sense to him. But then this breakup made sense to him and not to Pris. There was no easy way through this.

  She continued, “We were good when we were good? What the hell is that supposed to even mean? Is that from a fortune cookie or something?”

  Maybe it would never make sense to her. Maybe anything that came out of his mouth right now would only succeed to hurt and anger her and he just had to accept that.

  She looked away from him, across the parking lot, her nostrils flaring as she inhaled. “Who have you told?”

  He blinked. “What do you . . . mean?” he said haltingly. “I haven’t told anyone. I’m telling you. I’m telling you now. Only you.”

  She looked back at him with sharp annoyance, her eyes bloodshot. “Your sister? Beau? Who knows? You need to tell me.”

  He shook his head, confused by her train of thought. “I haven’t told anyone, Priscilla. I’m telling you. Now. Why would I tell anyone before you?”

  She gave him a disgusted look. “You’re breaking up with me. Dumping me. And you seem pretty determined about it. When things end, it’s never pretty.”

  “I thought we could be better than that. We can keep it civil, maybe be friends in time.”

  “And I thought we were going to be together forever. I guess we were both wrong.”

  “I guess so,” he agreed slowly.

  She sighed and blinked her eyes as though fighting off tears.

  Ah, damn. He didn’t enjoy making her cry, but he didn’t know how to make this any easier. Was there any way to make her feel better? He took an uncertain step toward her, and she stopped him with a swift swipe of h
er hand through the air. “Stop. Don’t even think it. Do not touch me.”

  He jerked to a halt, holding himself apart from her.

  She dropped her hand to her side and lifted her chin defiantly. “Is there someone else?” Her gaze pinned him to the spot with such laser-beam precision that he feared she could see beneath his skin and bones to the truth of him.

  Seconds ticked and he didn’t answer right away. “No. Of course not.” By the time he got the words out, it was too late. He took too long to respond.

  “There is someone else,” she accused with a hard nod, full of conviction.

  “Priscilla, no. There isn’t. Things have been off for some time now and that isn’t because of anyone.”

  Her eyes narrowed to slits. “Maybe. But maybe there’s someone you’re thinking about. You might have been thinking about dumping me, but what compelled you to finally act? Who?”

  He fought to school his expression into impassivity. Was she right?

  Since the night at her house, Hayden was there in his mind every time he closed his eyes. Was she the reason he was finally standing here? Doing this?

  “Fine,” she bit out into the stretch of silence. “Deny it. The truth will come out eventually, I’m sure.” She looked him up and down in scathing contempt, heaved a breath, and swung around on her heels, yanking the door to her car open.

  Nolan stood back a few feet as she started the car, well aware that in her present mood, she could run him down.

  She rolled down the window. “Don’t call me out of some noble sense of obligation. You ended this. Just let it be over. I might have to see you around school, but I don’t want to hear from you.”

  Then she was gone.

  He watched as she tore out of the parking lot and then he glanced around, noting that a few people were staring at him.

  He and Priscilla hadn’t been completely audience-free, after all.

  Despite the ugly last few minutes—a lightness filled his chest, spreading and eclipsing any lingering regret.

  He turned and walked back to his car alone for the first time without Priscilla or his sister. Alone for the first time in a long time. And that felt okay.