The Autumn Leaf

by Brittany Tarkington

  I had seen this show, and every other show worth a damn, at least twice. So, I was more aware of her as she watched the show, handling the twists and turns. When we started the next episode, I was curious to know how she would handle a main character dying.

  She closed the pizza box, letting out a sigh. “He’s finally doing something right. He should have killed that guy a long time ago. At least he’s getting Rita out of town,” she said.

  “Yeah,” I said. It was the only thing I could muster up. She was too invested in the show to pay attention to me.

  Near the end, we’d finished the entire bottle of wine and all our pizza. She gave me her opinion throughout the show. I liked hearing her thoughts. It was like getting a little peek inside her brain. Leaning back, she relaxed as the wine fills her body.

  “Do you ever drink?” I asked, remembering I never saw her drink a lot at the parties.

  “A little,” she said, and then her eyes went wide. “WHAT THE HELL! Dexter! You could’ve saved them!”

  “The kid’s okay.” I tried to lighten the mood.

  “He saw his mother dead! Do you know what kind of trauma that does to a kid!” She looked as if she could shove all the words back in her mouth. We both knew we’d had tragedies in our lives, but neither of us knew the details. The question hung over our heads as neither of us spoke.

  “I do,” I finally said. Her face crashed into her waiting hands. Scooting closer I pulled her hands from her face, making her see me.

  “What happened to you?” I asked her, hoping she would give me an inch.

  “Nothing I’ll ever burden anyone else with,” she said. Her eyes were so sad yet determined.

  “Nothing about you is a burden, Autumn.” Her guilt lifted, and the sadness left.

  “Why are you so nice to me? I’m an asshole. I push you away constantly yet here you are, trying to get me to hang out with you. What is it about me?” Her eyes bounced around my face, searching for answers.

  I looked at hers, hoping the same would happen. Believe me I wanted answers, too. She dragged her bottom lip through her teeth, looking up at me through thick lashes. All my willpower slipped through the window when she looked at me like that.

  “I’m trying to figure that out myself, Autumn,” I said breathlessly. “But…I think it’s just…I think it might be just you.” I managed to fumble my thoughts out before I could stop myself.

  I didn’t know who leaned toward who. All I knew was that my mouth crashed against hers as soon as the words left my mouth. Maybe that was what we needed all along, honesty. Her lips moved with mine, perfectly in sync with one another. I grabbed the back of her head, pulling her closer. I would never be close enough to her. I knew from this moment on, nothing would be the same. I was right, it was just her. She was my rhyme and my reason.

  She pulled back first, looking into my eyes. I rested my forehead on hers, breathless. Don’t get me wrong, I’d kissed more girls than I would ever tell her, but that was more. Nothing like that had ever happened in my life. To call it a kiss would downplay it.

  She pulled away. “Let’s start season five,” she said.

  “Whatever you want,” I said, grinning at her.

  I started the next season, and then leaned back. She barely touched me as she leaned against my headboard, staring at the screen. I patted her leg once and pulled back. I glanced at her one more time. She offered a small smile, but nothing else. If I could have one superpower, I would want to read minds. Who are you, Autumn Miller? More importantly, what are you doing to me?

  Sixteen

  I’d always loved a good, firm pillow. Growing up I was accustomed to the floor or an old sofa, accompanied by anything I could shove under my head. Before I opened my eyes, I knew this was much worse than a firm pillow. I peeked one eye open.

  Shit. This was worse than I thought. His chest was bare. I was fully awake, anxiety in overdrive. The steady rise and fall of his chest told me he was still asleep. For the love of God, my hand was on his chest. Crying on the inside, I gently pulled away from him inch by inch until I was out of the bed. I was fully clothed, to my relief. I grabbed my notebook from his table and tiptoed to the door.

  “You were actually going to leave while I’m still asleep?” If his morning voice were not so perfect, I would have jumped.

  “I didn’t want to wake you,” I said. It wasn’t a lie.

  “Get back in here,” he said, holding the covers up. For the first time, I saw his body in all its glory. Let me tell you, there is a God.

  “I have class and work,” I said, pointing to the door.

  He groaned. “Come back tonight. We’re having a party and bring that girl Tyler likes.”

  “It’s a Tuesday,” I deadpanned.

  “This is a frat house, babe.” My face remained neutral, but my mind lit with excitement when he called me ‘babe’. I let that idea roll around in my head for a moment. My brother and I always made fun of mushy couples at our school. I loathed pet names, but here I was, secretly wondering when he’d say it again.

  “Right. Yeah, we’ll be here,” I managed to stumble out a response.

  “Is everything all right?” In that moment, everything else vanished. He lay in his bed, propped up on his elbow. His boyish grin showed through sleepy eyes.

  “Everything’s great. I need to get going.”

  “Goodbye, Autumn.”

  I slammed the door before anymore awkwardness happened. I thought I’d done enough. On my way out, I didn’t pass anyone. They were probably still passed out from a wild night. Luckily, I slipped out unnoticed. Except…Josie would notice. Gabby would cover for me.

  Me: I stayed with you last night.

  Gabby: Only if you tell me who you really stayed with.

  Me: Please do not freak. It was nothing.

  Gabby: Spill it.

  Me: Liam

  Gabby: Details. Now.

  Me: Oh, you will hear all about it at the party tonight.

  Gabby: Can’t wait. See you there.

  When I got to class, I jogged all the way up the steps, stealing someone’s seat in the back. I didn’t care who I pissed off in that moment. I tried to listen as the professor murmured on, but my mind was trying to sort out the clusterfuck that was my life.

  I kissed Liam. Or he kissed me. Either way, who gave a shit. We’d both kissed other people. Him probably more than me, and honestly my breath probably smelled like garlic and wine. He was probably trying to forget it more than I was.

  Only…I didn’t want him to forget.

  Cars were lined up halfway down the street. He was being serious. It was a party every night at this place. In the month that I’d been at this school, I wasn’t sure how I’d gotten caught up in all of this. Two years ago, I wouldn’t have been caught dead at a party.

  Gabby wasn’t hard to spot when I walked in; she was leaned against Tyler, who was talking to a guy I had never seen before. I started to walk over, but I was cut off. Sara was barely covered in a silver dress. Josie stood behind her, in an outfit almost as ridiculous as her friend’s.

  “You didn’t come home last night,” Josie said.

  “I stayed with Gabby,” I said, waiting for them to get bored with me and leave. Surely there was another guy in here they could piss on and call claim to.

  “You know there’s surveillance cameras all around the house. We can see when people come and go,” Sara piped in. Sometimes I didn’t know if this girl was for real. It was hard to tell. Were there really people out there like her?

  “That’s kind of creepy…and cool at the same time,” I said, trying not to laugh too hard at them. It was extremely hard to take the pair seriously.

  “Yeah, I may pull it up tomorrow at my job,” she said, and I started walking away. I truly felt bad for them. “At my job in the admissions office,” she finished.

  Every fiber of my being wanted to give her the reaction she was hoping for, but I remained calm. What could she say about me? I’d done not
hing wrong. But that didn’t stop the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  “You made it,” Gabby said, throwing her arms around my neck. “Liam was asking about you.” I looked behind us. The pair was still watching me, as if they were waiting for the confirmation they needed. In that moment, there was no hiding. They knew everything there was to know about me. What they would do with it was up to both of us.

  I saw the back of Liam’s head bobbing through the crowd, and I beeline for the bathroom down the hall. Before I made it, I was scooped up in strong arms, squeezing me. He kissed the side of my head and released me. I turned around, and his face was broken into a brilliant smile.

  He didn’t want to forget. Now that was bad news for us. I wracked my brain, wondering what I should say. The truth? Should I hurt him so he would leave me alone?

  “I’m glad you’re here,” he said.

  “I said I would come. You’re touchy-feely,” I said, deciding to go with the latter. If I told him the truth, he would cause a scene. If I played it off as no big deal it would sting for both of us, but at least we could still be friends. And he could view me in the same light as he always had.

  “I can’t keep my hands off you after last night,” he said, and I worked through my memories, trying to figure out what happened. Besides the kiss.

  My face paled. “What happened?”

  “The kiss…you slept in my bed,” he said, looking embarrassed.

  “Oh yeah, that. I was afraid we did something else.” I laughed nervously. I wished he would pick up on my hints and leave me alone.

  Actually, I wished Josie and Sara would leave us the hell alone so I could be with this guy. I knew that would never happen. He still had a hold of my hand when I looked up, spotting those two staring at us. I pulled my hand back.

  “Let’s not make it a bigger deal than it was,” I said.

  “You can’t tell me you didn’t feel anything.” He looked hurt, and that killed me. Unfortunately, Sara and Josie could hurt me a lot worse. If they did too much, I wouldn’t be able to go to school anymore. The thought of going back to the place I once called home made me sick.

  “Of course, I did…it was a kiss, but I was kind of buzzed,” I said.

  I was silenced by his lips smashing against mine. It was everything I remembered. His lips moved in perfect harmony; his tongue parted my mouth as it snaked inside, delicately brushing against mine. With my hands braced against his chest, I pushed back.

  “I don’t want it to mean anything, Liam!”

  “What?” He looked at me as if I had grown two heads. I brought my hand to my forehead, frustrated. That came out all wrong.

  “What do you not get about that? Any normal, sane guy would’ve gotten the hint the first day!” My voice was much louder than I intended. I was pissed. The first person who got me, besides Kaleb, was being ripped away from me for no reason at all.

  I could not believe I left him like that. His eyes were the definition of puppy dog sad. I ran into the bathroom. Locking myself in I slammed into the door, sliding down the back until I hit the floor. Hot tears pooled in my eyes, falling before I had the chance to talk myself out of crying.

  I said I wouldn’t get close to anyone. I promised myself. Now I was heartbroken, and the nicest guy I’d ever met is standing in the hallway, wondering what the hell he’d done wrong.

  I didn’t know how long I stayed in there. The songs had switched at least ten times, and I’d been called more vulgarities than I ever before as students tried to bust into the bathroom.

  I wiped under both of my eyes before leaving the room. Not thinking clearly, I ran up the stairs and to his room. I just wanted to see it one last time. Everything was the way I remembered it. The bed was untouched, and messy like he was lying in it this morning. I walked over to it, running my hands along the side of it before leaving. This was stupid. I left the room, determined to get out before I could hurt myself or anyone else.

  I didn’t come back to the heartbroken Liam I’d left. I came back to what I’d been warned about. He did a body shot off some chick on the couch while another one held on to him like she was some lost puppy dog that might lose its owner if she let go. I couldn’t tear my eyes away. Shot after shot. Dance after dance. The kisses. They were all branded in my brain. I didn’t know how long I stood there before Gabby came to my side.

  “There you are,” Gabby said, patting me on the shoulder. “Let’s get you out of here.”

  “Yeah, good call,” I said.

  Sara walked up to Liam, glancing in my direction, and then wrapped her arms around him, kissing him as she danced to the song. Point made. I’d never hated a human being more than I hated her, and that was saying a lot after the childhood I spent with my dad.

  “What the hell happened?” Gabby asked.

  “I met the real Liam,” I said, laughing with no trace of humor. I was embarrassed for the time I’d spent with him. The kisses I’d shared with him. All for him to do that in front of the entire house.

  She shook her head. “He used to be like that. Not anymore.”

  “Guess who’s back,” I said, and I knew she didn’t miss the sarcasm.

  “Let me drive you back,” she said.

  “No, Tyler’s in there. Bedsides, you don’t want to miss that show.”

  “Autumn!” I heard him before I saw him. Gabby’s eyes went wide, and I shook my head. I was not doing this. Especially not now. I learned the hard way: don’t anger a drunk person.

  I stormed off, walking to my car. “Go back to Tyler. I promise I’m fine,” I told Gabby.

  “Why are you leaving?” Liam ran up to me, stopping me before I could get to my car. His eyes were hazy as he looked at me, genuinely confused.

  “It’s late,” I deadpanned.

  “No, it’s not.” I hated the sound of his voice right now. He was always so strong and confident. Now he sounded like a child not getting his way.

  “You’re drunk! You don’t know what time it is!” I hated him. I hated how immature I felt. I hated this whole scene.

  “You don’t want me when I’m sober, maybe you’ll want me now.” He shrugged his shoulders.

  “I’ve heard a lot of dumb things in my life, but that takes the cake,” I said, trying to step around him.

  “You didn’t know who I was…when I was somebody…maybe you’ll want me now.”

  My heart pounded in my chest. He looked so innocent. If he weren’t drunk, this would be an entirely different story. The problem was, I didn’t know if he was telling the truth right now.

  “This can wait,” I said, but he shook his head.

  “You’re not listening to what I’m saying,” he said as he tried to stay in between me and my car. I could feel my face heating with anger.

  “You’re right! I am listening! I don’t care, Liam! Just move!” I stepped around him, but he reached out and grabbed my arm. I jumped, shocked.

  “Just hear me out,” he said, but he didn’t have time to finish that. With my fist balled at my side, I pulled my arm away from him.

  “Do. Not. Ever. Fucking. Grab. My. Arm. Again.” I stressed each word carefully, so he got the point.

  I’d been told that my mean voice could make the devil cry. He looked like he had seen a ghost as he took a step back. I hesitated but kept moving. Maybe I was overreacting, but there were a lot of things I wouldn’t let happen. I wouldn’t move thousands of miles away just to be treated the same way that made me leave.

  When I got into my car, I navigated around the cars carefully passing by the house. The yard was lit as always, indicating a party was going on. Against my better judgement, I looked out the window. Liam was kneeling in the grass, hands on his head as I passed. I snapped my head away from his direction, refusing to give that boy any more of my time. He could fail English and kiss whoever he wanted if he stayed away from me. Liam Shafer was in my past, and the funny thing about my past was that I keep it there.

  Seventeen

 
; The old Liam was back. That’s what I was told, anyway. The continuous pounding of my head was the only proof I needed. I was lying on my back, staring at my ceiling, alone thankfully. The only good thing in all of this was that I didn’t wake up with some rando in my bed. It was past one in the afternoon. I’d missed class, but I hadn’t missed tutoring. Slowly, I peeled myself from the bed and took a shower, so I wouldn’t be late to the coffee shop.

  I didn’t remember a damn thing. Through a foggy memory, I thought Autumn showed up last night, but I hoped I was wrong. I didn’t know what the hell happened. I let the hot water wash the anxiety away. If she was there, I would hear about it.

  When I got to campus I parked and walked toward the coffee shop. I was ten minutes early, so I ordered drinks and waited. She was usually early. Anxious, I looked around the area, searching for her. When fifteen minutes passed, I pulled my phone out and found her name in my phone.

  Me: Where are you?

  She always responded quickly, but this time she didn’t. Before I could convince myself, it was a bad idea, I walked toward her dorm. I banged on the flimsy door, unsure of what I would say if she did answer. I got nothing. Frustrated, I wiped my hand down my face.

  “Autumn, if you’re in there, open up.”

  Nothing.

  Her classes were over, and I knew she didn’t work on Mondays, unless she happened to pick up an extra shift. I walked over to the bookstore, determined.

  “Is Autumn working today?” I asked a short girl with purple hair. Her face lit up.

  “She doesn’t work on Mondays. But I can tell her you stopped by,” she said, grinning.

  I shook my head. “No. I’ll find her before then.”

  “Good luck,” she called after me. Her sarcasm wasn’t missed.

  At this point, I knew something happened that I didn’t remember. Earlier, I couldn’t remember if she’d been there. I decided if she was, she probably saw me act stupid, and that was the extent of it. Now, I was thinking it was much worse. I grabbed my phone and called the only person in the world who would help me.