Fearless

by Tawdra Kandle

  I hurried my way to lunch and flew through the cafeteria doors, slipped past the people waiting in line and straight across to the second set of doors leading outside. I blinked in the bright sunshine and spotted Michael just setting two trays an empty table.

  “Hey!” I greeted him. And then stared at the food on the table. “I thought it was going to be just us for lunch today.”

  He looked at me in surprise. “It is. Why?”

  “You cannot seriously imagine that the two of us are going to eat all of that. I could sit here for hours and not make a dent in it.”

  He rolled his eyes at me. “You underestimate my appetite. And you have to eat up, because…” he dropped his voice and leered at me. “The gators at Lancer Park are expecting a good meal this afternoon. I’d hate to disappoint them.”

  I just looked at him, evenly. “Oh, funny. You know, you probably don’t want to mess with me today. I stood up to Nell in Chemistry, and I am feeling pretty invincible.”

  Michael feigned shock. “Really? Is she still giving you trouble?”

  “I think she’ll leave me alone just long enough to think of something horrible to do. But I don’t want to talk about Nell.” I settled myself into my bench seat. “I’m here to listen to you, remember? All mysteries solved and so on?”

  He laughed, and I glowed inside. “I don’t know about all mysteries. Here, eat some of this hamburger.” He pushed a plate with the sandwich and a stack of fries on it toward me.

  “Okay, okay, I’m eating.” I took a bite of the burger and was surprised how good it tasted.

  “So…” Michael fidgeted with the silverware on the tray and scowled at it. It dawned on me that he was stalling… he was nervous. Again I felt such an overwhelming tenderness toward him that my heart seemed to swell.

  “You know, you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to,” I said, swallowing another bite of hamburger.

  “It’s not that. I’m just trying to decide how to start.”

  “Why don’t you begin with my biggest question: why me? Why do you care about what I think or do or how I’m adjusting here, or if I need a ride to school? I’m not saying that I don’t like it,” I hastened to add. “I’m just not used to it. You—you look after me. It seems like you really do—care.”

  “I do,” he vowed, his eyes intensely serious. “I guess that’s the biggest thing I want you to believe. I know this is very fast and very sudden to you, but to me—” he took a deep breath before continuing. “I’ve been waiting for you all my life.”

  My heart pounded and I couldn’t answer.

  “When I saw you that first day in the hall, with Nell going at you, I couldn’t believe it. I just looked at you and I knew. I don’t know how I managed to make any kind of sense to you or Nell, because it felt like all the words were jumbled around in my head. I would have stood up for anyone Nell was picking on, but when I saw it was you—it was like…” He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath. “Like finding what I didn’t even know I’d been looking for. And I was so rattled that I couldn’t even figure out what I was saying.”

  “You were nervous?” I was incredulous. “I wouldn’t have guessed. You just seemed so sure of yourself.”

  “I guess I’m a good actor,” he laughed. “I was glad I thought to mention lunch, because then I knew I’d see you again. All I wanted to do was talk with you alone, get to know you, but I didn’t want to scare you off. I thought eating with my friends would make it easier on us both, but that whole time, I just wanted them all to leave us alone. I was kicking myself afterward, wishing I’d managed to talk to you by myself a little more.

  “And then I saw you in the parking lot that afternoon. I had been looking for you, but I had to get to work. When you looked up at me, before I even called you…” Michael took another deep breath. “I knew, for sure.”

  What he was saying was heady stuff, but I needed some clarification. “You said that before—that you knew. What did you know, exactly?”

  Michael set down the cookie he’d been eating. “This is what I’ve been… uncertain about saying. I don’t know what you’re going to think.”

  This time it was my turn to say it. “You can trust me, Michael. Whatever you tell me, it’s not going to change what I—think of you.” I had been about to say, what I felt for him, but at the last minute I lost my nerve. It was the first time that I was in the position to assure him that it was safe to open up to me; up until now it had been the other way around.

  He looked at me steadily, holding my eyes with his in that devastating way he had. My whole body was instantly tingling, electrified.

  “I knew… that you are the girl I’ve been waiting for, since I became old enough to realize I was waiting. I’ve liked other girls, as friends. I’ve even thought some of them were pretty. But you—ahhhh.” He exhaled in frustration.“I can’t explain it the right way. I’m eighteen, or just about, so it’s going to come off like I’m some kind of nut, or like I’m just giving you a line. If I were saying this ten years from now, it might seem reasonable. But right now, it sounds like a page from a bad romance novel.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “Not that I’ve ever read a bad romance novel. Or any romance novel at all.”

  “Of course not,” I murmured.

  “When I saw you that first day-was it only three days ago? When I saw you then, you took my breath away. You—you’re so beautiful. And when I got to talk to you, I knew right away you were just as gorgeous on the inside, too. The real you, I mean. Who you are.”

  I couldn’t reply, mostly because I had stopped breathing and my throat had closed. I was mortified to realize that tears were lurking at the back of my eyes. Michael’s words and the obviously deep feeling behind them stunned me.

  “So… are you completely freaked out? Ready to take out a restraining order?” His words were light, but his eyes were worried.

  I shook my head slowly, and I found somehow I could breathe again. “No, that never crossed my mind.” My thoughts were swirling, not making sense, and it was growing harder to keep Michael tuned out. I could feel his nervousness and his fear, but even stronger than that was his ringing sincerity. And then bits and pieces of real thoughts began to fly out at me. This is it, what she thinks and how she reacts, that’s all the matters. What if she doesn’t really… what if she can’t feel the same way or if she’s spooked by what I’m saying… I don’t know what I’ll do.

  I closed my eyes abruptly and turned my head away, concentrating hard on not listening. After he had essentially bared his soul to me out loud, it seemed a petty intrusion to hear his thoughts.

  At the same time, I knew I had to reassure him. Keeping my eyes closed, I murmured, “I’m sorry. When things get—intense, like this, it’s harder for me to respect the privacy of others. I’m just working on not hearing.”

  My eyes flew open when I felt his hand against my face. His fingers firmly cupped my jaw and his thumb brushed one eyelid gently. “Don’t,” he said softly. “Don’t shut me out. I promise, there’s nothing I’m thinking that I don’t want you to know.”

  Another first. Never in my life had anyone offered me an open pass to his mind. I expended so much energy and attention keeping up my mental wall that the idea of letting it down was a little daunting, even while it was freeing.

  “Thank you,” I whispered. “You don’t know how much that means to me. But I won’t abuse your trust.”

  “I know,” he smiled. “That’s part of the whole you being gorgeous on the inside, too. I have faith that even if you did hear something you weren’t meant to, you wouldn’t use it against me.”

  I sighed. “That’s the one flaw in your line of reasoning. I don’t think you’re a stalker, I don’t think you’re just handing me a typical guy line. I believe that for some insane reason, you really do feel the way you just told me. But I still don’t get the why. I’m so not worth the trouble that comes as part of the package.”

  “Well, there you’re wro
ng,” he said with absolute certainty in his voice. “About the trouble and the worth, I mean. The bigger issue is whether or not I’m worthy of you. That’s my real doubt. And since I’m not a mind reader—” he smiled slightly, “—I have no way of knowing your feelings on that.”

  “You mean, unless I tell you.”

  He nodded. “I’m not trying to force you into some big confession of—anything. I wanted you to know where I was coming from before we talked this afternoon. I have lots of questions for you, and I want you to feel comfortable with answering them, knowing how I feel about you.”

  I wasn’t sure I could handle giving him a reply yet. What had I expected him to tell me today? His actions and words all week had pointed to the fact that he was interested in me. That was as far as I had been willing to take this in my mind, afraid that even considering anything more would hurt when it didn’t materialize. But what he had told me was completely beyond my hopes. He had trusted me enough to open himself up to possible rejection or ridicule; although I was afraid I wore my feelings for him in plain sight, he seemed to be as unsure about me as I had been about him.

  I took a deep breath and took the plunge before I could think myself out of it. “I have no idea why you feel for me what you do, because I’m nothing special. I have a special gift, or talent or whatever you want to call it, but you didn’t even know that at first. I believe you, I believe all you told me today, but I still don’t understand the whys.

  “It’s incredible to me that you do—feel that way. It would be immensely flattering under any circumstances, but it’s more than that now. Because from what I’ve read or seen, this—” I pointed at Michael and then back at myself, “—rarely happens.” I swallowed hard before continuing, because tears were threatening again. The tender feelings rolling off Michael weren’t helping.

  “What I am trying to say, and not very well, is that—one of the reasons I believe you is because—it’s how I feel, too.” For the first time since I began speaking, I looked up from the table and into Michael’s eyes. They shone at me with such depth of trust that I was momentarily lost. I struggled to continue.

  “That first day, in the hall, I could hardly talk to you. But for me, that’s not unusual. I never talk to boys, and I don’t even have that many conversations with girls, either. When I saw you at lunch, I was grateful to you, but still pretty confused about why you bothered. And then after school that day, when you stopped me as I was leaving—it was like the sun broke across a gray sky.

  I smiled, shaking my head. “I know. Lame, isn’t it? But it’s true. You think you’ve been waiting for me? My life has been…” I sucked in a breath as I considered my next words. “Empty. It’s been me and my parents, and my mom and dad have each other. I never had anyone to talk to about how I hate moving all the time, because it would make them feel guilty. I don’t talk much about my—what I can do, because I know it makes them crazy. They like to stick to the illusion that I can control this, that it’s not a big deal. Well, it is a big deal, and I’ve been very lonely.

  “So even if you had turned out to be just a good friend, that would’ve been something. But I knew from that first afternoon, to me you were something more. I was smiling inside for the first time, maybe ever. And then when I blew my cover with you, and you didn’t freak out or tell anyone, that made it even better, because not only were you kind to me, now I could talk to you, really talk, and not hold anything back. And that is something I haven’t had with anyone outside of my family. Ever.”

  This was a very long speech for me, and I ventured another look at Michael to make sure he wasn’t bored. His eyes were fastened on my face, and he seemed alert, so I continued.

  “You said you knew. Well, maybe I wouldn’t have put it quite that way, but I think it’s the same thing. I… felt.” I laid a hand over my heart. “For the first time, I felt connected and—that I mattered to someone. I knew that I cared for you way too much, way too soon, but I couldn’t talk myself out of it.” I took another long breath. “So there you have it.”

  Michael didn’t say anything. He reached across the table and took my hand from where it lay and twined his fingers through mine, then raised our joined hands together to his lips, brushing across my knuckles like a whisper. My heart skittered again, and this time I couldn’t blink back the tears that filled my eyes.

  The bell rang shrilly, and we both jumped. We were the only ones left outside.

  “We are so going to be late,” I moaned.

  He grinned at me and jumped up, releasing my hand. “No, we’re not. I’ll take care of the trays. You go on to class. I have a sub for English today anyway.” He grabbed my arm as I turned to leave and brushed a hand over my hair.

  “I’ll see you at your locker after school,” he reminded me. “Have a good afternoon.”

  As if any alternative was a possibility.