Fearless

by Tawdra Kandle

  After a week of relative peace, I began to feel cautiously optimistic about Amber’s safety. Nell continued to ignore all of us, and if her friends shot Amber dirty looks or made loud, derogatory comments in our direction, it was easy to pretend we didn’t hear. I listened to Nell as frequently as I could stand it, in both Chemistry and in History, and I didn’t hear anything beyond her normal dark thoughts. Her little spites toward the girls in her group, her continued worship of Ms. Lacusta and her general disdain for the rest of us were always there, but that didn’t concern me. I figured that was just who she was.

  Only one thing troubled me slightly during that week. In Chemistry, on the Wednesday after the dance, I noticed that Casey and Liza were both very tense. Nell refused to acknowledge their attempts to talk with her; she sat staring straight ahead in stony silence. I wondered if I had interrupted an argument.

  Sensing that this might pertain to the Amber situation, I didn’t have any qualms about lowering my mental curtain and listening to Casey and Liza. Nell’s mind was eerily silent, though I could feel the unpleasant mood flowing from her.

  Don’t know why Nell keeps harping on this. Haven’t we told her everything, like, a million times? What happened at the dance after she left one more time… all she talks about… gonna scream… know I’m not the only one… Casey sighed in frustration and turned in her seat, away from Nell.

  Why she blames me… something with Amber… not my fault. Won’t tell us what happened… she keeps going on and on… what did Tasmyn say, what did Michael ask, how did she ask it… crazy… starting to think that’s what Nell is, too. Liza frowned and fingered her pencil nervously.

  This was worrisome. I cast my mind back to those minutes before Michael and I had left the dance, when we were madly trying to discern where Nell and Amber had gone. I hadn’t been completely discreet at that point about listening to Liza’s mind. In fact, some of the things I had said could be quite damning. At the time, my focus had been on finding and saving Amber, so I hadn’t worried about what Liza might think. And left to her own devices, she might not have thought anything other than I was exactly the freak she’d suspected me to be.

  But the fact that Nell was questioning both Liza and Casey about what happened at the dance made me nervous. She was suspicious about how we had figured out her plan. The only possibilities were that one of her friends had spilled the beans or Michael and I had followed her to Lake Rosu. Since it seemed that she had played this one very close to the chest, I doubted that any of the girls knew what her intentions had been. I sincerely hoped not. Though I didn’t like any of the girls in Nell’s little posse, neither did I want to entertain the idea that they would sit back and allow her to murder another girl in cold blood, in the name of magic and power.

  I told Michael about it that day at lunch. We were sitting outside again, enjoying a little time to ourselves. I had worried about leaving Amber at the lunch table by herself, concerned she would feel we were abandoning her, but she was fitting in so well that she didn’t even blink when I explained to her where I was going once we reached the cafeteria. She only grinned and gave me an airy wave. Anne caught my arm as I headed for the door, still looking back at Amber indecisively.

  “Don’t worry about her. I’ll look out for her today. Enjoy your private lunch.” She gave me a suggestive wink that made me blush.

  My cheeks must have still been pink when I reached Michael since he greeted me with one raised eyebrow.

  “Something I should know about?” he inquired.

  My face heated all over again, and I shook my head as I sat down. “Nope. Just Anne being naughty.”

  Michael pulled me closer to him and wrapped one arm about my waist. “Remind me to thank her. I like it when you’re flushed and flustered.”

  I rolled my eyes at him but couldn’t really work up a good mad. He was just so insanely good-looking, and the teasing light in his eyes reminded me once again that I was the one he had chosen. The unlikelihood of it still caught me by surprise at the oddest moments. This was one of them.

  “So what’s the status of our parolee today?” he asked me, tearing open a packet of crackers.

  I pulled over the salad he’d brought me and added the dressing. “Nothing much going on in Nell’s head. However, I got some interesting tidbits from her cohorts.”

  Michael bit into a sandwich. “Which ones?”

  “Liza and Casey. I’d hoped maybe they hadn’t noticed anything strange at the dance, when we were giving them the third degree. I don’t think they necessarily did. But Nell’s been grilling them, and now they’re all getting upset. Might not be long until they start getting suspicious, too.”

  “So what do we do? How can we damage control this?”

  I shrugged and made designs in the salad dressing with a carrot stick. “There’s not much to do but act as though we think they’re nuts if they say anything. And let’s face it—they would sound crazy. They don’t have proof, and Nell would have to tip her hand a lot more than she’s willing in order to convince the others.”

  Michael finished his sandwich and grabbed a napkin. “And you don’t think any of the others know what Nell was planning to do? What are they thinking now about Amber?”

  Slowly I shook my head. “No, they don’t seem to have a clue. And I think they just figure the Nell and Amber thing ran its course. They were probably more confused about why Nell included Amber in the first place than they are about why she isn’t part of things now.”

  “That makes sense, I guess.” Michael turned so he was straddling the bench and reached to brush my hair over my shoulder. “How are you doing? You look tense.”

  I blew out a breath and pushed away the half-eaten salad. “I feel like I’m walking a line. On one hand, I’m telling my parents that I don’t want to be afraid or ashamed of my talents anymore. I don’t want to live in hiding. But on the other hand, I’d be an idiot to shout the truth to the rooftops. I’m still working to protect myself, and it feels like hypocrisy.”

  Michael chuckled. “And you hate hypocrisy, I know. But I don’t think that’s what it is. ‘Discretion is the better part of valor’, right?”

  I sighed glumly. “Actually, it’s ‘The better part of valor is discretion, in the which better part I have saved my life.’ Falstaff, in Henry IV. And he’s referring to his own cowardice there. So what does that say about me?”

  Michael groaned and rolled his eyes at me. He reached for my hand and pulled me close to him. Burying his face in my neck, he whispered, “Well, first it says you know way too much about Shakespeare that you can quote it that exactly. That’s just bizarre.”

  His breath tickled my ear, and I shivered. Turning my head slightly so that he could hear me, I replied, “But knowing the periodic table of elements and all that math stuff, that’s normal?”

  His lips were moving on the side of my face, but he didn’t even hesitate to answer. “Absolutely. That’s essential information that you can use every day. But you interrupted my point. You are definitely not a coward. Self-protection is just a mark of intelligence. And you’re not a hypocrite, either. You’re feeling your way through this new territory.”

  I reached back to touch his face, flooded with gratitude for his love and loyalty. “It’s just so strange having more people know about me. With you, it was natural. It didn’t feel that odd, because I wanted to tell you everything about me. But now that Amber and your parents are in the loop, too, I’m more self-conscious.” I pulled away a little, so I could see his face; even though I could hear him thinking, I wanted to be able to gauge his expression. “I haven’t seen your parents since Friday night. How have they been… adjusting to this new information?”

  I didn’t notice any change in his thoughts or his face as he gave a half shrug. “We haven’t really talked about it. I don’t think it threw them half as much as you think, Tas. They like you so much that it’s just another element of who you are, so that’s okay.”

  I studied
him for a moment, then turned again and leaned my head back against him. “How did I get so lucky? You know, in all fairness, your parents should be stiff, intolerant people who can’t stand me.”

  He laughed, shaking us both and shifting so that his arms held me closer. “How do you figure that?”

  “Because you’re so wonderful and perfect that there should be some—I don’t know, some fly in the ointment. Something that mars the total picture. But there isn’t. You, your parents, your friends—all of you are just right.”

  “You haven’t met my sister yet, so maybe she won’t like you,” he offered. “Would that make you feel better?”

  “Oh, no,” I moaned. “You’re right. I just totally cursed myself. Lela is going to hate me, isn’t she?”

  Michael grasped me by the shoulders and turned me around to face him. “No, she is going to love you. Just like my parents do. Just like my friends do. But most important…” he brushed his lips lightly over mine, “—just like I do. That’s all that matters. The rest is just gravy.”