The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional

by Timothy Keller

  Reflection: Jesus said we must “lose” ourselves in service to him in order to “find” our true selves. That’s the primary way to find your true identity—in Christ. Is there an analogy in marriage? Can we find ourselves as we serve our spouses?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to teach you more about your strengths and weaknesses, your gifts and callings, through your marriage.

  February 13

  They do not see marriage as two flawed people coming together to create a space of stability, love, and consolation—a “haven in a heartless world,” as Christopher Lasch describes it. . . . A marriage based not on self-denial but on self-fulfillment will require a low- or no-maintenance partner who meets your needs while making almost no claims on you. Simply put—today people are asking far too much in the marriage partner. (Hardcover, p. 35; paperback, p. 30)

  HOW VOWS HELP. Marriage in the past was about duty as well as desire. It was recognized that when flawed people (and there aren’t any other kind) got married, there would be difficult times in which the parties would want to give up. That’s what the wedding vows were for—they were “Ulysses pacts.” In Greek mythology, Ulysses knew that when his ship approached the island of the Sirens, their song would drive him to be incapable of reasonable thinking. So he had himself tied to the mast and told his men (who were told to put wax in their ears) to ignore his ravings until they passed the island and he came to his senses. Wedding vows often serve the same purpose during times of conflict in marriage. They are ways of tying oneself to the marriage so you stick with it during times in which your thinking is confused.

  Reflection: In what ways is this Ulysses story helpful as a metaphor for wedding vows? In what ways does it not apply to marriages? Do you remember your wedding vows?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you “come to your senses” quickly after times of anger, self-pity, and discouragement that can put pressure on your marriage.

  February 14

  Those dreaming of the perfect match are outnumbered by those who don’t really want [marriage] at all, though perhaps they can’t admit it. After all, our culture makes individual freedom, autonomy, and fulfillment the very highest values, and thoughtful people know down deep that any love relationship at all means the loss of all three. . . . Yet it is hard to admit to the world or to yourself that you don’t want to be married. [So you find flaws in all prospective partners.] . . . That will keep marriage away. (Hardcover, p. 36; paperback, p. 30)

  FREEDOM. Many complain that the legal bond of marriage creates the “requirement to hold a lifelong relationship,” but today many do “not want to give into those kinds of pressures” and so want to live together without a marriage license that compromises their freedom. They see their relationship as “their own”—not society’s—and as one based on “love and commitment, and not in need of external validation.”20 But the legal vows were not made to “validate” love but to deepen and strengthen it. And there is nothing more liberating than to know there is someone who has solemnly promised to be there for you through thick and thin.

  Reflection: How does the modern idea of freedom clash with the ideals of marriage?

  Thought for prayer: In the “Collect for Peace” in The Book of Common Prayer, God’s service is said to be “perfect freedom.” Ask God to help you experience the “freedom of service” in your marriage.

  February 15

  [Especially for men, a] pornographic media culture may contribute to unrealistic expectations of what their future soul mate should look like. Influenced by the sexy images of young women on MTV, the Internet, and on the runway in televised Victoria’s Secret specials, men may be putting off marriage to their current girlfriend in the hopes that they will eventually find a combination “soul mate/babe.” (Hardcover, p. 33; paperback, p. 27)

  IMAGE VS. CHARACTER. In 1858, when Lincoln and Douglas debated each other while running for the U.S. Senate, the national newspapers ran pages and pages of their arguments.21 Yet if either had walked down the main street in any U.S. town they’d not have been recognized. Photographs existed but could not be disseminated. What mattered publicly was not their appearance but their ideas. Today we have moved from a text-based culture to an image-based culture, one in which looks and impressions matter the most. Among other things, this means that pornography flourishes as never before. But it also means that aging people and overweight people—especially women—can easily come to hate themselves. Beauty is idolized and this puts pressure on marriages and on marriage seekers. The Bible puts the emphasis elsewhere—on beliefs and character.

  Reflection: How does beauty idolatry distort the judgment of those looking to get married? How does it hurt existing marriages?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on 1 Peter 3:4: “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment such as braided hair or gold jewelry or fine clothes, but from the inner disposition of your heart, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in God’s sight.”

  February 16

  Women have been just as affected by our consumer culture. Both men and women today see marriage not as a way of creating character and community but as a way to reach personal life goals. They are all looking for a marriage partner who will “fulfill their emotional, sexual, and spiritual desires.” And that creates an extreme idealism that in turn leads to deep pessimism that you will ever find the right person to marry. This is the reason so many put off marriage and look right past great prospective spouses that simply are “not good enough.” (Hardcover, pp. 33–34; paperback, p. 28)

  WET CEMENT—OR NOT. “Women have more choice than ever before. They are choosing to focus on their careers for a longer period of time and using egg freezing and other technology to ‘buy time,’” says a psychologist.22 She goes on to say that women now look for a partner who will not try to change them, but will affirm who they already are. It is indeed true that the older we get the more set in our ways we become . . . less “wet cement.” But when we come to see ourselves through the eyes of our spouse we recognize that we are both better and worse than we thought. We are liberated from denial and blindness. In a good marriage we will want to be different. Why put off marriage until it is harder to change?

  Reflection: List some ways in which it is shortsighted to put off marriage “in general” until you can become set in your ways.

  Thought for prayer: Help your spouse to see him- or herself better through your marriage. Ask God to keep you from being too critical or not critical enough, and to do all out of love.

  February 17

  C. S. Lewis put it vividly: “Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation.”23 (Hardcover, p. 36; paperback, p. 31)

  THE CASKET OF SELFISHNESS. Lewis’s quote shows us the horns of the dilemma presented by love. If we love anyone, we are sure to be disappointed and even hurt. This haunts young adults today and makes them wary of marriage. However, the alternative has just as many risks. The opposite of love is not hate, but fear (1 John 4:18), because love is self-opening. Love is committing yourself to the good of someone else, and that makes you vulnerable. The only way to protect yourself from hurt in relationships is to withdraw from them. But that kind of self-protectiveness will be a coffin for your ability to love; it will make you hardened and lonely. Such withdrawal can even happen within marriage, but it should be avoided at all costs.

  Reflection: Have you seen Lewis’s vivid statement play out in real life? How is experiencing
tragedy better than not experiencing tragedy?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on I John 4:18: “Perfect love casts out fear.” Ask that God give you enough of his perfect love that your fear and anxiety in relationships diminishes.

  February 18

  [People] say over and over, “Love shouldn’t be this hard; it should come naturally.” In response, I always say something like, “Why believe that? Would someone who wants to play professional baseball say, ‘It shouldn’t be so hard to hit a fastball’? Would someone who wants to write the greatest American novel of her generation say, ‘It shouldn’t be hard to create believable characters and compelling narrative’?” The understandable retort is, “But this is not baseball or literature. This is love. Love should just come naturally if two people are compatible, if they are truly soul mates.” (Hardcover, p. 37; paperback, p. 32)

  NO ONE IS TALENTED IN MARRIAGE. The illustrations that liken baseball or fiction writing to marriage are a bit of a stretch. Those kinds of work require practice and hard work, but they also assume natural talent. Some people are just far better athletes or writers than the rest of us. That is not true of marriage. No one is just “gifted” at marriage the way some young athletes have impressive natural abilities. The difficulty of marriage is due to our character and especially to our selfishness. No amount of natural “chemistry” will eradicate it. We can hide our selfishness from others and even, to a degree, from ourselves. But in marriage both you and your spouse can see it clearly. It takes great effort to overcome our natural lack of talent for marriage.

  Reflection: Can you think of a time in which you were blaming your spouse for a conflict—when it was really your selfishness?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to make you honest about the level of your own selfishness. Ask him to save you from self-justification.

  February 19

  Stanley Hauerwas has famously made this point: “Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become ‘whole’ and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.”24 (Hardcover, pp. 37–38; paperback, p. 32)

  WE MARRY A SINNER. Stanley Hauerwas famously says that “we always marry the wrong person” as a way to get your attention. He doesn’t mean that there cannot be two people so incompatible in temperament or culture or age or in some other way that they should not be married. He is trying to dispel the myth that if you choose the right person the marriage will be free from sharp conflicts. If the Bible is right that all human beings are sinners, then no two sinners are ever naturally compatible. “There’s no need for red-hot pokers,” says one of Jean-Paul Sartre’s characters when they get to hell. “Hell is other people.”25 Sinful people will always be rubbing each other the wrong way and blaming the other person.

  Reflection: What is your definition of sin? Think of the ways that sin complicates and hurts all relationships.

  Thought for prayer: Ask God for the wisdom to see those conflicts that come from genuine differences of temperament with your spouse—which should be accepted—and those that stem from flaws in your character—which should not.

  February 20

  [Hauerwas goes on to explain what he means about always marrying the wrong person.] “We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is . . . learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.”26 (Hardcover, p. 38; paperback, pp. 32–33)

  WE MARRY A CHANGER. Here we have a second reason that “we never marry the right person.” The first reason is sin, and the second is change. Many counsel that we wait on marriage until “we know who we are,” but even that is constantly in flux. Marriage itself changes us drastically, bringing out the best and worst in us. Aging bodies, babies and children, work and career—all change who we are, and that means recalibrating the marriage relationship. What we need, then, is not the perfect mate who never changes (there is no such person), but wisdom, the ability to repent, and a sustained commitment to your wedding promises.

  Reflection: How have you changed in your marriage? How well have you navigated the changes?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you both accept the inevitable changes in each other, even as he aids you in remaining unchangeably committed to one another.

  February 21

  [T]here are good reasons not to marry someone who is a great deal older or younger, or someone with whom you do not share a common language, and so on. . . . Some people are really, really the wrong people to marry. But everyone else is still incompatible. . . . Over the years you will go through seasons in which you have to learn to love a person who you didn’t marry, who is something of a stranger. The journey may eventually take you into a strong, tender, joyful marriage. But it is not because you married the perfectly compatible person. (Hardcover, pp. 38–39; paperback, pp. 33–34)

  WE MARRY A SUFFERER. There are several ways your spouse can become a stranger to you. One way is this—trials and pressures can bring out weaknesses in character, just like a stress test in a doctor’s office can reveal irregularities in your heart function. No one can live a life without suffering. Bad things will happen to your spouse, and it is very disappointing to see him or her as less mature, or strong, or wise than you thought he or she was. But at that time you should use the gospel to remind you that God sees you all the way to the bottom, sees all kinds of flaws that you yourself will not see until years from now, but he loves you anyway. So love your spouse as God in Christ loves you.

  Reflection: What are some other ways your spouse can “feel like a stranger” to you? When that has happened, how well have you handled it?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to empower you with a sense of the reality of his love in order to love your spouse despite his or her flaws.

  February 22

  [T]he first reason that no two people are compatible for marriage . . . [is] that marriage profoundly changes us. But there is another reason. Any two people who enter into marriage are spiritually broken by sin, which among other things means to be self-centered—living life incurvatus in se. As author Denis de Rougemont said, “Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love?”27 (Hardcover, p. 40; paperback, p. 35)

  WE MARRY A SELFISH PERSON: 1. Perhaps the greatest barrier to a happy marriage is the self-centeredness of both spouses. But nothing can be done about it if the partners are in denial about the reality or severity of the problem. Jonathan Edwards lists several marks of self-centered persons. They are dogmatic and always sure of every point of their beliefs. They are fault-finding, prone to self-pity, and never satisfied. They need a lot of praise and are easily offended. They tend to talk a lot about themselves and are poor listeners. Christians should do self-examination (2 Corinthians 13:5), not in order to beat ourselves up, but in order to, first, deepen our appreciation of God’s patience and grace, and second, to take concrete action toward becoming more Christlike in our character.

  Reflection: There are four marks of self-centeredness listed above. Honestly assess the degree to which they apply to you. What can you do about them?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to replace your restless efforts to steal love and acceptance from others with a Christ-centeredness and a resting in his love for you.

  February 23

  That is why a good marriage is more painfully hard to achieve than athletic or artistic prowess. Raw, natural talent does not enable you to play baseball as a pro or write great l
iterature without enduring discipline and enormous work. Why would it be easy to live lovingly and well with another human being in light of what is profoundly wrong within our human nature? Indeed, many people who have mastered athletics and art have failed miserably at marriage. (Hardcover, pp. 40–41; paperback, pp. 35–36)

  WE MARRY A SELFISH PERSON: 2. In yesterday’s daily devotion we read that at the heart of our fallen human nature is self-centeredness, a problem that undermines the happiness of our marriage. Here are several more marks of self-centered persons from Jonathan Edwards. They are willful, always insisting on their own way. They are ungenerous with praise and encouragement, tending instead to be scornful. They are slow to admit when they are in the wrong, and repentance is always traumatic, never a relief. Finally, they either enjoy confrontation too much or else refuse to ever do it. (Both are results of thinking more of one’s own interests than the good of the other.) The more self-centered you are, the less aware you are of it; the less self-centered you are, the more you sense it in yourself.