The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional

by Timothy Keller

  Reflection: Again, there are four marks of self-centeredness listed above. Honestly assess the degree to which they apply to you. What can you do about them?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to speak to you not only about your sin, to see yourself more clearly, but about his love for you, so you can repent and change in joy and relief.

  February 24

  Ernest Becker believed that modern culture had produced a desire for what he called “apocalyptic romance.” At one time we expected marriage and family to provide love, support, and security. But for meaning in life, hope for the future, moral compass, and self-identity we looked to God and the afterlife. Today, however, our culture has taught us that no one can be sure of those things, not even whether they exist. Therefore, Becker argued, something has to fill the gap, and often that something is romantic love. We look to sex and romance to give us what we used to get from faith in God. (Hardcover, p. 41; paperback, p. 36)

  MARRIAGE NO SUBSTITUTE FOR GOD. Both Ernest Becker and St. Augustine argued that, if the supreme love and hope of our lives is not a real God but is instead something else, then that thing will become elevated to a kind of pseudo-god. So as God recedes from our lives, we put far more pressure on sex, romance, and marriage to be transcendent, fulfilling experiences. No wonder modern people think it unreasonable to expect singles to refrain from sex if they are not married. No wonder that people put off marriage as they hunt for the absolutely perfect soul mate. Sex and romance are now called on to deliver a transcendent experience they were never created to provide. Marriage was never meant to satisfy us like communion with God, nor is it capable of doing so.

  Reflection: What are some of the bad effects of this idolization of marriage: For singles? For married people? In your life specifically?

  Thought for prayer: Admit to God that his love for you is too abstract and his fellowship with you is too weak and this makes you put pressure on other things to make you happy, including your marriage.

  February 25

  [Ernest Becker writes:] “The love partner becomes the divine ideal within which to fulfill one’s life. All spiritual and moral needs now become focused in one individual. . . . In one word, the love object is God. . . . Man reached for a ‘thou’ when the world-view of the great religious community overseen by God died. . . . After all, what is it that we want when we elevate the love partner to the position of God? We want redemption—nothing less.”28 (Hardcover, p. 41; paperback, pp. 36–37)

  MARRIAGE NO SUBSTITUTE FOR REDEMPTION. Without God in our lives, we will turn something else into a source of redemption, and one of the most usual candidates for that sort of “god-making” is the romantic partner or spouse. When Becker uses the word “redemption” for this, is he exaggerating? We don’t think so. We all share a sense that we have not lived as we should and that we are not the persons we ought to be. We can look to our partner to assure us and the world that we are indeed worthy of love. This not only puts enormous pressure on our spouse to always be affirming, but it also puts too much power in their hands to define our very being. That should belong only to God.

  Reflection: Think of some other ways in which in our culture we might be prone to look to our spouse for a kind of “redemption.” Do you think women and men pursue that differently?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on John 19:30, where the dying Jesus said, “It is finished!” Thank God for a complete, finished redemption in Christ, and ask him for help to rest in that, and not seek any further salvation in anyone or anything else.

  February 26

  Disenchantment, the “end of the honeymoon,” is common and has been for centuries. . . . But the depth of the disillusionment people experience in our time is something new, as is the speed with which marriages spiral down. In our day, something has intensified this natural experience and turned it toxic. It is the illusion that if we find our one true soul mate, everything wrong with us will be healed; but that makes the lover into God, and no human being can live up to that. (Hardcover, p. 42; paperback, pp. 37–38)

  HARD OR EASY? My (Tim’s) grandmother, who was born around the turn of the nineteenth century, told me that marriage had been more rewarding than she had been led to expect by her family and friends. Today, as God has receded in the culture, the pressure on marriage to be a fully rewarding, self-enhancing enterprise has grown. Now couples become disenchanted because marriage is harder than they had been led to expect. Both the older and modern cultures are wrong. Marriage is more like our walk with God. It is often confusing and difficult but the rewards infinitely dwarf the costs.

  Reflection: Would it be fair to say that there was an incident or time that “ended the honeymoon” era of your marriage? If so, what was it, and did it end up being a means of growth? Or not?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you rest and hope in him so that you can avoid either naïveté or cynicism in every area of your life.

  February 27

  There are few if any serious, sustained arguments being made today that society can do without marriage. Even today’s critics of monogamy must grant that, at least pragmatically, we can’t really live without it. One of the reasons for this is the growing body of empirical research. . . . Evidence continues to mount up that marriage—indeed traditional, exclusively monogamous marriage—brings enormous benefits of all kinds to adults, and even more to children and society at large. (Hardcover, pp. 43–44; paperback, p. 39)

  THE PARADOX. As we have seen, young adults today marry both much later and much less frequently. Fully two-thirds of Americans in their twenties say that society is just as well off if people don’t put a priority on marrying and having children as if they do.29 This is a marked change in attitude from every previous generation. It also contradicts all the empirical studies that show that traditional marriage has enormous benefits for adults and children. So why do younger adults have a view of marriage that flies in the face of both science and tradition? The answer probably has to do with the paradox that we have been exploring, namely, because of the vacuum in our lives created by the decline of religion, people need marriage too much and therefore fear marriage too much, at the same time.

  Reflection: If many common views of marriage are mistaken, could we see them begin to change?

  Thought for prayer: Pray not for yourself but for our society. Ask God to change hearts so that people would not miss out on the richness and joys of marriage due to inordinate fears.

  February 28

  There is a profound longing we feel for marriage. We hear it in Adam’s “At last!” cry at the sight of Eve, the indelible sense that locked within marriage is some inexpressible treasure. And that is right. The problem is not with marriage itself. According to Genesis 1 and 2, we were made for marriage, and marriage was made for us. Genesis 3 tells us that marriage, along with every other aspect of human life, has been broken because of sin. (Hardcover, p. 44; paperback, p. 40)

  BITTERSWEETNESS. There is an irreducible bittersweetness about marriage. We know intuitively that marriage has the ability to satisfy, deepen, and enrich us in ways that no other human relationship can do. The Bible explains this powerful sensibility by telling us it is a divine invention, instituted directly by him to reflect his own character and saving love. And yet, even those in the happiest marriages can look back on a long string of missed opportunities and unfulfilled aspirations for loving our spouse well. Here’s the wonderful consolation. Eternity will finally end the bittersweetness, because “Heaven Is a World of Love,” in which our ability to love, clogged and diminished here on earth, will be healed completely.30 Rest in that certain hope.

  Reflection: How can the knowledge of our future—a future of perfect love—help you now in the marriage? How can it mitigate the regret of never getting marriage right? How can it make you less afraid of failure in your marriage?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to use the Christian future
hope in your heart, both to encourage you when you fall short in your marriage, and also to provoke you to keep trying.

  March 1

  “Have no other gods before me. . . . You shall not commit adultery.” (Exodus 20: 3, 14)

  A SIN AGAINST GOD. The Bible says that committing adultery against your spouse is also spiritual adultery—unfaithfulness to God (Psalm 51:4). Thomas Watson wrote that adultery dishonors all three persons of the Trinity, because it is ingratitude toward the Father who gave you all you have, it despises the work of the Son who died to save you from sin, and it defiles the temple of the Holy Spirit, your body (1 Corinthians 6:19).31 Why meditate this week on something so unpleasant? First, understanding the reasons behind the wrongness of adultery will reveal much about God and our own hearts. Second, there are marriages that have been repaired after adultery, but an ounce of prevention is more valuable than a ton of cure.

  Reflection: As difficult as this subject is, reflect on ways that you can guard against adultery.

  Prayer: Lord, the Bible is filled with prayerful pleas to help us “keep our way pure.” I make the same prayer now. Show me how I must think and behave to stay faithful to my spouse. Amen.

  March 2

  This is what the LORD says: “For three sins of Israel, even for four, I will not relent. They sell the innocent for silver, and the needy for a pair of sandals. They trample on the heads of the poor as on the dust of the ground and deny justice to the oppressed. Father and son use the same girl and so profane my holy name.” (Amos 2:6–7)

  A SIN OF INJUSTICE. Progressive, liberal people see sexual norms as fluid and not to be rigidly enforced, yet they rightly are greatly concerned for racial and economic justice. On the other hand, traditional, conservative people can be strict and even prudish about sexual morality, but often notice little and say less about the poor. The moral vision of the Bible does not fit into such reductionistic categories. God puts both trampling on the poor and sex outside marriage on the same level (see Amos 2:7). Why? They both “profane my holy name.” They both offend and grieve God, because he is both just and pure and he calls us to be like him (Leviticus 11:44; 1 Peter 1:16). They are also both forms of exploitative injustice, as we will see.

  Reflection: Why do you think that today the schools of thought and political parties choose to be concerned either about social morality or personal sexual morality—but not both?

  Prayer: Lord, let our moral sense and conscience be molded not by popular opinion or changing cultural trends but by your Word, under the influence of your Spirit. Amen.

  March 3

  Wisdom will save you also from the adulterous woman, from the wayward woman with her seductive words. . . . Surely her house leads down to death and her paths to the spirits of the dead. None who go to her return, or attain the paths of life. (Proverbs 2:16, 18–19)

  ADULTERY AND DEATH. This passage says that adultery can start with “seductive words.” The Hebrew means flattering speech. Before we commit adultery we first indulge the ego boost of having an attractive person’s attention. But the adulterer “strays into [death’s] territory and finds himself among its citizens before ever he quits this earth.”32 Death is a state of irreversible disintegration, and adultery can lead to not just the crumbling of your marriage, but to alienation from children, friends, and family; to the dissolution of your joy and peace and any self-respect; and often to enormous legal and personal conflict. Together, they indeed lead to disintegration.

  Reflection: Reflect on other bad things that can happen when you give in and listen to “smooth words.”

  Prayer: Lord, there are many ways that we can stray into the territory of death even while still alive, and paths to that place always begin with disobedience to and distrust of you. Keep us in the paths of life. Amen.

  March 4

  For this command is a lamp, this teaching is a light, and correction and instruction are the way to life, keeping you from your neighbor’s wife, from the smooth talk of a wayward woman. Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes. (Proverbs 6:23–25)

  ADULTERY AND THE EMPTY HEART. Verse 25 tells us not to “lust in your heart after . . . beauty.” To lust is to crave as an empty stomach craves food to fill it. Lust, then, is imagining that someone’s beauty will bolster your flagging self-esteem. If our ego is like an empty stomach we will not be able to resist, we will be “captivated.” And yet this biblical text assumes that we can control what happens in our hearts. Tell yourself that lust desires to take, while love wants to give. Remember that lust is something you are doing for yourself—because of how it will build you up. Love, however, is a desire to serve someone else. If you are tempted to commit adultery, there is some kind of emptiness that you must turn to God to fill. Mere stoic self-control won’t be enough.

  Reflection: In light of this, what is the appeal of pornography? How can it be resisted?

  Prayer: Lord, “You have made us for yourself and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you.” (Augustine, Confessions 1:1). Let us rest in your love so that we do not lust after the beauty of anything else. Amen.

  March 5

  But a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away. (Proverbs 6:32–33)

  A SIN AGAINST THE SELF. Both David (Psalm 51:4) and Joseph (see April 4) say that the sin of adultery is primarily against God, who forbids it. And certainly it also does injustice—even violence—to your spouse if you are married (see May 3). Yet this text points out that you are sinning against yourself as well. Sex should be a way to give yourself wholly to someone, a commitment apparatus. If you have sex with a spouse and with someone else you are destroying your ability to commit. People who lie and break promises destroy their ability to trust others and to entrust themselves to others. The result is loneliness as well as an indelible sense of shame. When we violate the law of our Creator we also violate our nature as designed by God.

  Reflection: It has been said that the more you lie the more you distrust what anyone else says. Why would that be? It is also said that those who lie tend to be lied to. Do you agree?

  Prayer: Lord, help us remember that when we break your laws, we also break ourselves; when we violate your Word, we also violate ourselves. Help us to remember that sin is first of all an offense and grief to your holy, good heart. But it is also stupid. Amen.

  March 6

  If a man is found sleeping with another man’s wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die. You must purge the evil from Israel. (Deuteronomy 22:22)

  ADULTERY AND EQUALITY. To modern ears this sounds terribly harsh, and we must keep in mind since New Testament times sexual immorality is met with moral exhortation and church discipline, not civil punishments (1 Corinthians 5:1ff.). But this text still reveals much. In the Old Testament theft was never punished by death but by restitution. So it is clear that, unlike in other ancient cultures, husbands did not own their wives as property. Not only that, we see no double standard—both the man and woman are punished equally for adultery. In this apparently “regressive” text, then, we see God revealing a way to understand marriage in which men and women are equals, and are equally, solemnly bound to keep their promises.

  Reflection: Think of some ways that double standards for husbands and wives still exist in our day and time. Do they affect you in your marriage? What can you do about that?

  Prayer: Lord, keep us from our hearts’ natural tendency to manipulate or use one another for our own ends. Renew our minds (Romans 12:2) to treat each other with the deepest mutual respect and love. Amen.

  March 7

  “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:
27–28)

  ADULTERY AND FAITHFULNESS. Often husbands who stray sexually are regarded more leniently than wives. The background to such a double standard is the belief in the “husband’s right to have sole sexual possession of his wife.”33 The Old Testament undermined that view, and now Jesus cancels it entirely. He says that the husband who allows himself to desire sex with any other woman has already broken his vow to his wife and committed adultery “in his heart.” Speaking to a culture that saw adultery as mainly a matter of theft of a man’s property, Jesus insisted instead that it was high treason, a lack of faithfulness to your spouse and to your God.

  Reflection: In ancient times adultery was seen as theft. Today it’s often seen as no big deal. Why? What background beliefs shape popular views of adultery today?

  Prayer: Lord, do whatever it takes to keep us faithful—keeping all our promises to you and to each other. Amen.

  March 8

  There is a profound longing we feel for marriage. We hear it in Adam’s “At last!” cry at the sight of Eve, the indelible sense that locked within marriage is some inexpressible treasure. And that is right. The problem is not with marriage itself. According to Genesis 1 and 2, we were made for marriage, and marriage was made for us. Genesis 3 tells us that marriage, along with every other aspect of human life, has been broken because of sin. (Hardcover, p. 44; paperback, p. 40)