The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional

by Timothy Keller

  ONLY MARRY A BELIEVER. I would direct you to a longer treatment of this question called Don’t Take It from Me by Kathy Keller, easily found on the internet.140 In that article I wish that I could have filmed or taken statements from all the men and women I have known over the years who have had the sorrows that come with marriage to a nonbeliever (resulting sometimes from ignorance, other times from a postmarriage conversion, or, too often, because of disobedience). Please take the time to read it all. The pronouncements of the happily married often carry little weight with those eager to marry the person of their choice, even if he or she is not a Christian. You need to hear instead from those who have lived with this choice.

  Reflection: When you were single and uncommitted to anyone, were you convinced that it is better to remain single than to marry a person who didn’t share your faith? Married people, if you are married to a spouse who doesn’t share your faith, how are you remaining faithful to your true Bridegroom without wounding your earthly spouse?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you as a couple, so you do not merely know each other emotionally, but understand each other spiritually, and are familiar with each other’s faith in the Lord, both its strengths and weaknesses.

  December 16

  If you do marry someone who does not share your faith, then there are only two ways to proceed. One is that you will . . . lose your transparency. In the normal . . . Christian life, you relate Christ . . . to everything. . . . You will base decisions on Christian principles. You will think about what you read in the Bible that day. But if you are natural and transparent about all of these thoughts, your partner will find it at least tedious or annoying and even offensive. . . . You will just have to hide it all. (Hardcover, p. 210; paperback, p .241)

  HOW TO REALLY WIN. Peter gives advice to women married to unbelieving husbands in 1 Peter 3:1–4. Modern people may cringe at the suggestion that women submit to their husbands, but if the goal of that submission is a life of purity and reverence that will be so winsome and attractive it might win their spouse to Christ, very few women would refuse. This is not a suggestion that women allow themselves to be abused (even though many want to confuse submission with an invitation to abuse), but rather a display of a “quiet and gentle spirit.” Spouses of either sex who attempt to nag their husband or wife into belief in Jesus will find they only create resentment and resistance.

  Reflection: Married women, how is that “quiet and gentle spirit” expressing itself in your marriage? Well, not so well, or not at all? Married men, when your wife entrusts herself to you, do you find your heart softening toward her, or becoming resentful? How do you let her know that you find her kindness attractive?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to increase Christlike qualities in you primarily to please and honor him, but also to attract your spouse toward Jesus as well.

  December 17

  The other, worse possibility is that you simply move Christ out of a central place in your consciousness. You will have to let your heart-ardor for Christ cool. You will have to deliberately not think out how your Christian commitment relates to every area of your life. You will demote Christ in your mind and heart, because if you keep him central, you will feel isolated from your spouse. (Hardcover, pp. 210–11; paperback, p. 241)

  UNEQUALLY YOKED. The description above can happen in marriages in which one spouse is not a Christian, but also in those where one partner falls far behind the other in spiritual interest and growth. The end result is that the spouse who is “out in front” feels pressure to demote Christ to be less central in the life. No one really believes this will happen. The partner promises the believer that he or she will have freedom to practice and believe as he or she chooses. This may be meant sincerely, but it cannot be implemented. Because marriage creates a one-flesh unity, both partners need to agree on what things are of critical importance in all of life’s choices. Since Jesus is Lord in one person’s life and not in the other person’s, that will be nearly impossible.

  Reflection: Answer this question: Is your spouse in any way discouraging you from moving forward in your Christian walk? If so, how? What can be done to change that?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God that, whatever the situation in your marriage, he would continue to change you, from one degree to the next, into the likeness of your Savior (2 Corinthians 3:18).

  December 18

  [P]hysical attraction is something that must definitely grow between marriage partners and it will grow (rather than diminishing) as time goes on if you start with . . . “comprehensive attraction.” . . . Partly it is being attracted to the person’s “character” or spiritual fruit. . . . [Partly it is] a “secret thread” that unites . . . [your] favorite books, music, places, or past-times—[things that] move you [most deeply]. . . . Sometimes you will meet a person who shares to a great degree the same “mythos” thread. . . . “[C]omprehensive” attraction is . . . on the basis of character, mission, future-self, and mythos. (Hardcover, pp. 211–12; paperback, pp. 242–43)

  THE NEW CREATION. The term we use in The Meaning of Marriage—“comprehensive attraction”—is all but incomprehensible to people today. They only recognize sexual attraction, or separately and distinctly, a chemistry based on political ideals, social causes, and/or hobby enthusiasms. Comprehensive attraction includes the physical and even “common interests,” but it recognizes that these things are superficial and the ones most doomed by time and circumstance to change. However, if you are in love with the new creation that God is making in your beloved’s life, you will find yourself more and more deeply attracted as that person grows and emerges throughout the years.

  Reflection: Couples, married or dating, what do you see in your partner’s inner being that attracts you? Can you identify the seeds of what God is doing to make your partner glorious?

  Thought for prayer: Think of the ways that you have already seen God change your spouse toward Christlikeness during the time you have known him or her. Praise and thank God for them, and ask him for more of this growth in both of you—so much more.

  December 19

  Sometimes . . . powerful emotions . . . seem on the surface to be deep love. . . . The fact that these infatuations can become so hostile and bitter so quickly shows that the comprehensive attraction and love was never really there. . . . [To know if] you have moved past the infatuation stage is to ask a set of questions. Have you been through and solved a few sharp conflicts? Have you been through a cycle of repenting and forgiving? Have each of you shown the other you can make changes out of love for the other? (Hardcover, pp. 213–14; paperback, pp. 244–46)

  LASTING LOVE. Infatuation and obsession are based on fantasy. They will never survive the reality—sometimes harsh—of life in our fallen world. What kind of love will? It is the kind Jesus gave and that he commanded that his followers show to one another. That kind of love was so radical that a new word had to be used to describe it—agape love. C. S. Lewis uses “charity” or the Greek word agape in his book The Four Loves to describe a self-giving love that was sacrificially committed to the well-being of others.141 Within marriage it is a deep unitive attachment that is the product of promises, trials faced together, reconciliations, sacrifices, and time.

  Reflection: Unmarried couples, are you able to tell whether your feelings for the other person are self-giving and sacrificial, or mainly about how good the other person makes you feel? Married couples, think of the sacrifices you have made to keep your feelings alive and warm toward one another. What sacrifices have you made to further your spouse’s growth in Christ?

  Thought for prayer: Thank God that his love for us is not based on our perfection but on his, and ask him to create in you both a growing agape love for one another.

  December 20

  Two kinds of couples answer “no” [to the question of whether they can resolve conflicts well]. The first kind are those who never have any conflic
ts. It may be they are not past infatuation. The second kind of couple has had a stormy relationship and has the same unresolved fights over and over again. They haven’t learned even the rudimentary skills of repentance, forgiveness, and change. Neither of these couples may be ready for marriage. (Hardcover, pp. 214–15; paperback, p. 246)

  THE STRING THROUGH EVERYTHING. Malcolm Gladwell famously said that ten thousand hours of practice were needed in order to reach competency. In premarital counseling we were horrified to hear the pastor say that after fifteen years of marriage, his wife and he thought they “might just about be getting the hang of married life.” I (Kathy) now think he set the bar too low. The hardness of marriage is due largely to how much we change. Just when you think you have “gotten the hang” of loving someone without children, you have to learn to love someone with them. But remember Lewis Smedes (June 17) who said, “My wife has been married to five men, and they have all been me.” The string that unites all the different “selves” and situations is your marriage promise to be loving no matter what.

  Reflection: How do you prepare for the changes that will occur in your marriage and yourself over the course of a marriage? Does your covenantal vow offer you support?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you see that your spouse’s changes are part of his plan for him or her, so you won’t be either too afraid or too angry. Then ask him for help in loving your spouse as is needed now.

  December 21

  Get and submit to lots of community input. . . . Marriage should not be a strictly individual, unilateral decision. It is too important, and our personal perspective is too easily skewed. The community has many married people in it who have much wisdom for single people to hear. Singles should get community input at every step of the way when seeking marriage. (Hardcover, p. 217; paperback, p. 248)

  SPLENDOR IN THE ORDINARY. Once you are married and full sexual expression is not only allowable, but deeply nourishing, how does one avoid sex becoming routine and dull? By going back to the same expressions and caresses and imbuing them with new tenderness and new meaning, based on better understanding and insight into your partner. When I hold Tim’s hand now, it means much more than when we first held hands. And if you are an unmarried couple, why not start now, before marriage, by imbuing those expressions of longing and tenderness that are wise and prudent (“do not stir up love until its time”) with ever-new meaning, rather than trying to get a new thrill by pushing the envelope just a little further out?

  Reflection: Unmarried couples, are you trying to walk as close to “the line” as you can without actually falling into sin? Or, knowing your own heart, are you giving yourself a wide margin for error? Married couples, how well have you done in adding new levels of loving tenderness into your love-making over the years? How could you do even better?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Ephesians 5:19–20. We are to go through ordinary daily life “singing” thankfully in our hearts to the Lord. So ask God to give you that same spirit and ability to go through the day thanking him often for your spouse and your marriage until your heart sings.

  December 22

  According to Paul, sex with a prostitute is wrong because every sex act is supposed to be a uniting act. Paul insists it is radically dissonant to give your body to someone to whom you will not also commit your whole life. C. S. Lewis likened sex without marriage to tasting food without swallowing and digesting. The analogy is apt. . . . Paul, then, is decrying the monstrosity of physical oneness without all the other kinds of oneness that every sex act should mirror. (Hardcover, p. 225; paperback, pp. 258–59)

  HOW TO MEASURE LOVE. It is typical in our culture to make a distinction between a mere hookup for sexual pleasure and two people who sleep together because they “really love each other.” But surely even a hookup ordinarily happens because they are feeling attraction—isn’t that love? The problem comes when we define love as simply an emotional intensity of feeling. The fact is that such a feeling can be a function of your desire to possess and experience the other person’s affirmation more than a desire for the good and happiness of the other person. How can we measure real love, then? A good test is this: Do you love the other person enough to marry them? To give away your independence in order to be with them? If you can’t do that, don’t talk of loving someone enough to sleep with them.

  Reflection: Unmarried couples, are you willing to assess your love with this test and refrain from sex until you have made the marriage promise? Married couples, can you take comfort that, when your feelings are up and down, your faithfulness to your marriage promise is still a steady, sustaining way to love each other?

  Thought for prayer: Thank God that he saved us through a promise, a promise to redeem us even at the greatest cost (Genesis 15 and Galatians 3:10–14). Then ask him to enable you both to continue to love each other through being faithful to your promise.

  December 23

  Unless your marital relationship is in a good condition, sex doesn’t work. So be very careful to look beneath the surface. A lack of “sexual compatibility” might not really be a lack of love-making skill at all. It may be a sign of deeper problems in the relationship. It is often the case that, if the problems are addressed, the sexual intimacy improves. (Hardcover, p. 235; paperback, p. 270)

  SEX AS TEST. We have seen that sex is in a sense a “marriage renewal ceremony,” in which you give yourself to each other afresh as you did at the first. Your bodily union is at the same moment a way to bear witness to the whole-life giving of the past as well as a way to deepen the emotional spiritual bond at that moment. No wonder, then, that if anything is wrong anywhere else in the marriage it will have an effect on sex. It will “show up in bed.” Sex is therefore a test. A loss of sexual intimacy is usually a sign not that the chemistry has mysteriously vanished, but in some part of your marriage you are failing to love each other as you ought.

  Reflection: Together, look back at your past and see if, as it were, problems outside of bed showed up in bed. Is that happening now?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Psalm 139:23–24. Then apply this to your marriage. Ask God to show you hidden stresses, or ways you are failing each other to which you may be blind. Then ask for help to love each other more skillfully.

  December 24

  While the first view sees sex as an unavoidable drive and the second as a necessary evil, the last view sees sex as a critical form for self-expression, a way to “be yourself” and “find yourself.” . . . Sex is there primarily for an individual’s fulfillment and self-realization. . . . The Biblical attitude toward sex is popularly thought to be the second view—sex as demeaning and dirty. But it is most definitely not. It differs quite radically from each of these other understandings. (Hardcover, p. 220; paperback, p. 252)

  THE MOST POSITIVE VIEW. In the ancient Greco-Roman world, sex was either seen as just a physical appetite or as a defiling distraction from higher, more spiritual goals. Our own modern culture has a much more positive view of sex than the ancients did, which some scholars argue is credited to Christianity.142 Yet even today sex is seen as an emotional appetite for intimacy that we must gratify. Both the ancient and the modern say the purpose of sex is to meet your own needs. Christianity rejects both of these views, proclaiming that sex is a way to serve the other, to build community, and to image God and his saving love. Don’t settle for any view lower than this one.

  Reflection: In the popular mind, what is the Christian view of sex? Why is that the view?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Matthew 5:13–16, on being both “salt” and “light” in society. Ask God to help you be both.

  December 25

  Sin, which is first and foremost a disorder of the heart . . . has a big impact on sex. Our passions and desires for sex now are very distorted. Sex is for whole-life self-giving. However, the sinful heart wants to use sex for selfish reasons, not self-giving, and t
herefore the Bible puts many rules around it to direct us to use it in the right way. The Christian sex ethic can be summarized like this: sex is for use within marriage between a man and woman. (Hardcover, pp. 220–21; paperback, p. 253)

  GIFT GIVING. God so loved the world that he gave himself to us in Jesus Christ (John 3:16). Christmas is all about gift-giving and that is appropriate. The incarnation, in which God became human and lost his glory and invulnerability, is the great act of self-giving. Where Christianity differs from our society regarding marriage is at this very point. Many want love, sex, and intimacy but they don’t want to give away their independence through marriage. But Jesus lost independence when he gave himself to us, and we lose ours when we give ourselves to him—yet in that mutual self-giving comes glory and freedom. Marital union should be an image of our union with Christ (Ephesians 5:25ff.) and it brings freedom-through-giving in the same way.

  Reflection: Some say that Christianity has so many rules about sex because it has such a negative view of it. Make an argument that the rules reflect a higher view, not a lower view of sex.