The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional

by Timothy Keller

  Thought for prayer: On this Christmas Day, thank God for his gift of marriage and of your marriage, even with all of its ups and downs and challenges.

  December 26

  Biblical Christianity may be the most body-positive religion in the world. It teaches that God made matter and physical bodies and saw that it was all good (Genesis 1:31) . . . that in Jesus Christ God himself actually took on a human body . . . and that someday he is going to give us all perfect, resurrected bodies. It says that God created sexuality and gave a woman and man to each other in the beginning. (Hardcover, p. 221; paperback, p. 253)

  PRUDISHNESS IS BAD THEOLOGY. Modern people think of Christianity as being negative toward the physical body, but that is not true. Historians have shown that the idea of the goodness and reality of the body and of physical creation was given to Western culture by Christianity.143 God made the physical world and it was “good.” When the God of the Bible comes into the world he takes on a human body. He is so committed to restoring his physical creation to its original beauty and brilliance that he atoned for sin and rose in a new resurrection body, something that all believers will someday receive. The goodness of sex is an implication of all this. Christians should be the last to be prudish.

  Reflection: Think of other implications of this doctrine of creation—that the physical world is good—for other aspects of your life.

  Thought for prayer: Spend some time thanking God for the gift of your body—for all the pleasures and sensations of which it is capable—and for his commitment to redeem our bodies (Romans 8:23), a prospect wonderful beyond our imaginings.

  December 27

  God not only allows sex within marriage but strongly commands it (1 Corinthians 7:3–5). In the book of Proverbs, husbands are encouraged to let their wives’ breasts fill them with delight and be intoxicated by their sexual love (Proverbs 5:19; cf. Deuteronomy 24:5). The book Song of Solomon does much barefaced rejoicing in the delights of sexual love in marriage. . . . The Bible is a very uncomfortable book for the prudish! (Hardcover, pp. 221–22; paperback, p. 254)

  A HIGH VIEW OF SEX. There is a paradox in the biblical attitude toward sex. Paul says that “sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity . . . should not even be named among you”144 (Ephesians 5:3), and we should “flee sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18). Yet in the texts cited above (and December 3) the language regarding sex is unashamedly celebratory. How do we explain this? The answer is that the uniquely lofty view of sex in the Bible—that it is a signpost and participation in God’s restoration of the world—accounts for both emphases. If our view of sex is lower, we might be uptight about sex or we might be casual about it. For Christians, because it is such an incredible good, it must not be indulged in lightly.

  Reflection: What attitudes toward sex have you had in your background? How do they affect you now? What part of the Christian teaching on this do you need to keep most in mind?

  Thought for prayer: Remember that the early Christians’ unique vision toward sex was an important part of their witness to the world (see September 1–7 and October 1–7). Ask God to give you such an appropriate attitude toward sex that it is a sign to others of the kingdom.

  December 28

  [When Jane Eyre is tempted] she ignores what her heart says and looks to what God says. The moral laws of God at that very moment made no sense to her heart and mind at all. . . . But, she says, if she could break them when they appear inconvenient to her, of what would be their worth? . . . God’s law is for times of temptation, when “body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigor.” On God’s Word then, not her feelings and passions, she plants her foot. (Hardcover, p. 231; paperback, p. 265)

  TRUE SELF-RESPECT. Jane Eyre’s internal speech comes when Mr. Rochester is asking her to live with him though he is still legally married. Jane turns him down, saying: “The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God.”145 Modern people would say self-respect means following your heart and desires rather than anything else. But Jane knows that if she does not obey God’s law, she is not really following her heart but rather Mr. Rochester’s agenda for her. In the same way, if we think we are following our heart when we have sex outside of marriage, we are really just a pawn of our culture, which has defined an “authentic life” for us. Obey God and respect yourself.

  Reflection: Think of some other ways that obeying God despite your desires can be a way of respecting yourself.

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to show you all the ways that our culture’s agendas may have burrowed into your mind and heart all the while claiming they were really your desires and needs. Ask the Lord to save you from worldliness (1 John 2:15–17).

  December 29

  Is sex, however, primarily a means of individual happiness and fulfillment? No, but that doesn’t mean that sex is not about joy and only about duty. The Christian teaching is that sex is primarily a way to know God and build community, and, if you use it for those things rather than your own personal satisfaction, it will lead to greater fulfillment than you can imagine. (Hardcover, p. 222; paperback, p. 255)

  HAVING IT ALL. This is another version of a profound Christian principle, formulated in C. S. Lewis’s phrase “Aim at heaven and get earth thrown in; aim at earth and you will get neither.” Look at sex as something you do not do for yourself. That means first that you don’t do it outside of marriage. Second, it means within marriage you do it often when you don’t especially feel like it but as a way to celebrate and love your spouse. And yet, in order to truly meet the needs of your spouse in this way, you do need to have sex joyfully, to learn how to make love in ways that delight both of you. So aim for self-giving in sex, not self-fulfilling, and you get both thrown in.

  Reflection: What can you learn practically from this way of looking at sex for your own marriage? What difference could this concept make to you?

  Thought for prayer: It is not easy, in our culture, to believe that prioritizing holiness over happiness will bring you both, but putting happiness first gets neither. Ask God to burn this truth into your consciousness and heart so you can live in accordance with it—and flourish.

  December 30

  To call the marriage “one flesh,” then, means that sex is understood as both a sign of that personal, legal union and a means to accomplish it. The Bible says don’t unite with someone physically unless you are also willing to unite with the person emotionally, personally, socially, economically, and legally. Don’t become physically naked and vulnerable to the other person without becoming vulnerable in every other way, because you have given up your freedom and bound yourself in marriage. (Hardcover, p. 223; paperback, p. 256)

  LOVE AND FREEDOM. The final phrase above, “you have given up your freedom and bound yourself in marriage,” uses the word freedom in the modern sense. Today we define it as independence, the absence of any restraints on our choices. But Jesus says that the more we submit to his truth, the more that “truth will set you free” (John 8:32; cf. Psalm 119:45). Just as a fish is not free when it is flopping on the beach but when it is confined to the water for which it was designed, so humans are only truly free to be themselves when they are obeying the God who designed them. The modern definition of freedom is antithetical to love, because to love is to give the loved one say in your life. But the biblical view fits it perfectly. Give up your independence to love your spouse and you will learn greater freedom.

  Reflection: Have you chafed under the loss of independence that marriage brings? How can this principle help you?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Psalm 119:45. Then ask God to give you that deeper freedom that lies on the far side of promise-keeping, obedience, and self-discipline.

  December 31

  In the Old Testament . . . [God] directed that . . . there be an opportunity to have [people] remember the terms of
the covenant . . . and then recommitting themselves to it. [So sex is the way for] husband and a wife . . . to do that. . . . Sex is God’s appointed way for two people to reciprocally say to one another, “I belong completely, permanently, and exclusively to you.” You must not use sex to say anything less. [Therefore] a covenant is necessary for sex . . . [to create] a place of security for vulnerability and intimacy. (Hardcover, pp. 223–24; paperback, pp. 256–57)

  SECURITY AND INTIMACY. The relationship between the marriage covenant and sex is an interdependent, symbiotic one. Each member of an unmarried couple knows that the other person can walk away at any time with a minimum of trouble. There has been no promise or bond. But a marriage covenant creates a far greater cradle of security in which we can reveal ourselves to each other. There is no greater intimacy than vulnerable transparency, and that translates readily into sexual tenderness and delight in one another. Physical union then leads to a much greater sense of emotional and personal union. So the covenant gives us sex in a new depth and dimension, and sex strengthens and renews the vital strength of the covenant.

  Reflection: Discuss the principle that “transparency translates into sexual intimacy.” Have you seen this in your own marriage?

  Thought for prayer: Thank God for what you have learned through this volume about marriage this year, and ask him for help implementing those lessons with wisdom, love, and grace.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Thanks must go to Ray and Gill Lane who gave us exceptional support while writing this volume. They provided space to work, cooked us great meals, and gave us constant encouragement. They did this for us in one of the most beautiful parts of the world—the Lake District of England. We can think of no better setting for any writers to work. Great appreciation goes also to our editor at Viking, Brian Tart, and our literary agent David McCormick. Both of these men have been our friends and partners since 2007, a remarkable record in a world of fragile and transactional relationships. Brian and David have been indefatigable in their commitment and unfailingly wise in their work with us. We have dedicated this book to our sons and their wives—David and Jennifer, Michael and Sara, Jonathan and Ann-Marie. We have watched with admiration and respect as they have done whatever it has taken to nurture their marriages.

  NOTES

  1. Gerhard Von Rad, Genesis, trans. John H. Marks (Philadelphia: The Westminster Press, 1961), 82.

  2. The Bible does allow for divorce in some situations, as we will see. Genesis, of course, does not address that, but it does show that divorce is unnatural and that marriage should be entered into with the full intention and expectation that it will be permanent.

  3. Marissa Hermanson, “How Millennials Are Redefining Marriage,” The Gottmann Institute, July 3, 2018, https://www.gottman.com/blog/millennials-redefining-marriage/.

  4. Mervyn Cadwallader, “Marriage as a Wretched Institution,” The Atlantic, November 1966.

  5. C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (New York: Macmillan Company, 1958), 105–6.

  6. See “Omiai: The Culture of Arranged Marriage in Japan,” Japan Info, December 11, 2015, https://jpninfo.com/36254.

  7. See Timothy Keller with Kathy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage (New York: Dutton, 2011), 26.

  8. Wendy Wang and Kim Parker, “Record Share of Americans Have Never Married,” Pew Research Center, September 24, 2014, https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/09/24/record-share-of-americans-have-never-married/.

  9. “Marriage Falls Out of Favour for Young Europeans,” The Guardian, July 25, 2014, https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jul/25/marriage-young-europeans-austerity.

  10. Wang and Parker, “Record Share of Americans Have Never Married,” Pew Research Center.

  11. There are too many studies to cite that support this. Just one example is W. Bradford Wilcox and Alysse El Hage, “The Wealth of Nations Begins at Home,” Institute for Family Studies, November 8, 2018, https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-wealth-of-nations-begins-at-home.

  12. Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre (New York: Macmillan, 2017), 450–51.

  13. Derek Kidner, Genesis: An Introduction and Commentary (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1972), 66.

  14. David Atkinson, The Message of Genesis 1–11, The Bible Speaks Today (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1990), 79.

  15. “Who’s More Interested in Marrying—Men or Women?,” RelationshipsinAmerica.com, n.d., http://relationshipsinamerica.com/marriage-and-divorce/whos-more-interested-in-marrying-men-or-women.

  16. Christian Jarrett, “Do Men and Women Really Have Different Personalities,” BBC.com, October 12, 2016, http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20161011-do-men-and-women-really-have-different-personalities.

  17. Wendy Wang, “Who Cheats More? The Demographics of Infidelity in America,” Institute for Family Studies, January 10, 2018, https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america.

  18. Hermanson, “How Millennials Are Redefining Marriage,” The Gottman Institute.

  19. Hermanson, “How Millennials Are Redefining Marriage,” especially “Millennials have a strong sense of identity.”

  20. Hermanson, “How Millennials Are Redefining Marriage,” especially “Millennials question the institution of marriage.”

  21. Neil Postman, “Thy Typographical Mind” in Amusing Ourselves to Death: Public Discourse in the Age of Show Business, anniversary edition (New York: Penguin Books, 2005), 44–48.

  22. Hermanson, “How Millennials Are Redefining Marriage.”

  23. C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves (New York: Harcourt, 1960), 123.

  24. Stanley Hauerwas, “Sex and Politics: Bertrand Russell and ‘Human Sexuality,’” Christian Century, April 19, 1978, 417–22.

  25. “All those eyes intent on me. Devouring me. What? Only two of you? I thought there were more; many more. So this is hell. I’d never have believed it. You remember all we were told about the torture-chambers, the fire and brimstone, the ‘burning marl.’ Old wives’ tales! There’s no need for red-hot pokers. Hell is—other people!” from Jean-Paul Sartre, No Exit and Three Other Plays, reissue edition (New York: Vintage, 1989), 45.

  26. Stanley Hauerwas, A Community of Character (South Bend, IN: University of Notre Dame Press, 1981), 172.

  27. Denis de Rougemont, Love in the Western World (New York: Harper and Row, 1956), 300, quoted in Diogenes Allen, Love: Christian Romance, Marriage, Friendship (Eugene, OR: Wipf and Stock, 2006), 96.

  28. Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death (New York: Free Press, 1973), 160, 167.

  29. Wang and Parker, “Record Share of Americans Have Never Married,” Pew Research Center.

  30. See Jonathan Edwards, “Sermon Fifteen: Heaven Is a World of Love” in The Works of Jonathan Edwards, WJE Online, Jonathan Edwards Center, Yale University, http://edwards.yale.edu/archive?path=aHR0cDovL2Vkd2FyZHMueWFsZS5lZHUvY2dpLWJpbi9uZXdwaGlsby9nZXRvYmplY3QucGw/Yy43OjQ6MTUud2plbw==.

  31. Thomas Watson, A Body of Divinity (Passmore and Alabaster, 1890; reprint, Ada, MI: Baker Books, 1979), 334.

  32. Derek Kidner, Proverbs: An Introduction and Commentary, vol. 17, Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1964), 51.

  33. Leon Morris, The Gospel According to Matthew, The Pillar New Testament Commentary (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1992), 117.

  34. See especially Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s unsurpassed Life Together (New York: Harper & Row, 1954).

  35. See Kyle Harper, From Shame to Sin: The Christian Transformation of Sexual Morality in Late Antiquity (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2016). The sex ethic in the Roman world dictated that wives had to be virgins when married and could only have sex with their husbands, while men before and after marriage were expected to have sex with prostitutes, servants, and anyone beneath them in the social order.

  36. This idea of the church as the
“Second Eve” to Christ’s “Second Adam” comes from Eowyn Jones Stoddard, in correspondence.

  37. The quote within The Meaning of Marriage is from Robert Letham, The Holy Trinity: In Scripture, History, Theology, and Worship (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed, 2004), 456.

  38. C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (New York: HarperCollins, 2001), 174–76.

  39. For a taste, see the coronation scene in C. S. Lewis’s novel Perelandra: A Novel (New York: The Macmillan Company, 1965), 195–222.

  40. See Philippians 2:6: “Who, being in very nature God . . . he made himself nothing by taking the very form of a servant.” If we say, “Being a kind man, he lent him the money,” the first clause is the cause of the second clause’s action. So here the Bible indicates that Jesus gave up his power and became a servant because it was his nature as God to do so.

  41. There are too many articles and studies to cite here. Here is one example: “Millennials in Adulthood: Detached from Institutions, Networked with Friends,” Pew Research Center, March 7, 2014, https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/03/07/millennials-in-adulthood/.

  42. “Love (III)”, in Helen Wilcox, ed., The English Poems of George Herbert (Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press, 2007), 661.

  43. Simone Weil, Waiting for God (New York: Harper, 2009), 27.

  44. For a look at the power of the Scriptures as a means of life transformation and of communion with God, see our treatment of Psalm 119 in Timothy and Kathy Keller, The Songs of Jesus: A Year of Devotions in the Psalms (New York: Viking Penguin, 2010), 304–25.