Lovely Monster

by Shaylee Europe

  The other side was here now, staring at me. She was compassionate, and she was scared. I could see a girl that could share the most vulnerable of details about her life and look to you for approval. I saw a girl who worried if you were mad at her, and could stare at you with such a fear that you worried she might break if you touched her.

  “That was stupid,” she said, turning around. I watched her take the picture and rip it from the book.

  A better person would have protested, but I couldn't find my voice. I wanted the picture gone. It represented my life before, and those memories were what hurt. It was those memories I saw when I looked at what I was before.

  She crumpled it up, and I listened to the picture crinkling in her hands as she walked into the kitchen and threw it away. When she walked in, I was suddenly aware of the tension that had grabbed us.

  I had no idea how to release it either. Staring at her fearful face, I realized I had no idea how to calm her fears, or what to say to make her feel better.

  Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I shouldn't ever figure her out enough to know what she needed and when she needed. I could never be what she needed, that was obvious. I would only hurt her the way Thad had, and I couldn't do that to her.

  So why couldn't I bring myself to believe it?

  “Wuthering Heights?”

  I saw a ghost of a smile. “Aw, that's easy. 'They’s Heathcliff, and a woman, yonder, under t' Nab, un' Aw darnut pass 'em.'”

  I laughed, shaking my head. “That's not a real quote,” I told her.

  She shrugged. “It darn tootin' is.”

  “You're weird.”

  “I'm awesome,” she pointed out.

  “The jury is still out on that,” I told her.

  Julie was smiling, and by now, I saw the faintest traces of laughter at the verge of her lips. It was nice to see, and even nicer to know that I was the one responsible for it.

  “You're just jealous,” she remarked.

  I smirked. “Extremely,” I replied, and she smiled.

  ♥

  It felt as if I had started living life in fast forward. Suddenly, I had places to go, and people to see, and life felt as if it was starting to have a purpose.

  I thought I was getting closer to where I was meant to be. I could feel this magnetic force pulling me farther and farther into Julie's world. I was at the hospital everyday, except weekends. Julie explained that they didn't go to there on weekends so the parents could have the time with them. We were merely fillers. We didn't have to be there for them to keep going.

  Julie started coming over more, but it was to help me with my work. We would group everything I needed to do in the three days that she would set aside to come over.

  She prepared me for my finals, and even encouraged me that I was doing a better job than what I had assumed. She told me I could go to college upstate, or even aim higher if I really wanted.

  I didn't tell her that my highest plans were the community college. That would have begun an argument, and I didn't want to fight with Julie. I didn't like fighting with Julie.

  Usually, I lost.

  Liam came over a few times. Once with Julie, and the others just to hang out.

  I had forgotten what it was like to have a friend. We sat on the couch and played video games, and Liam would pick and tease me about Ava. He thought she was beautiful, and thought it was funny to see me glaring at him as he said so.

  Not that it was much different. I thought his sister was beautiful too, and she didn't have a boyfriend keeping me from her.

  Just me. I was the only thing coming between me and her. I didn't know how to stop myself either. I didn't know how to get over my own insecurities and just fall in love with her like boys were supposed to.

  It wasn't that she wasn't trying either. I knew she wanted to break through, whether it was romantic or friendly, I didn't know. I could blame my lack of knowledge on why I couldn't allow myself to push toward those feelings I was feeling.

  I just couldn't make myself believe that she could ever look at me as anything other than a friend. Julie was perfect, and I was every imperfection wrapped into one large charbroiled boy.

  The picture that Julie had drawn of me had been taken out of the trash soon after she left. I had held the crumpled paper in my hands and found myself staring at my before.

  It still stung me at how accurate it looked. I could imagine being seventeen, and looking like that guy that Julie had drawn. I could see that guy flirting with Julie, and asking her out on a date rather than just to study.

  The link between me and him was there, drawn in the grayness of his face. It had been severed long ago, it felt, when our mother had decided to cut the link.

  I ripped the picture, and then tucked it in the trash.

  ♥

  “Do you want to hang out?” Liam asked, coloring a picture with the kid next to him.

  I was doing the same. My duck was purple and red, because they were the only crayons the little boy let me have.

  “What are you doing?” I asked him, looking up briefly so he could read my lips. It hadn't taken long to get accustomed to doing so. If you didn't, Liam would punch you to remind you.

  He shrugged. “Julie and I were thinking about the arcade. Old school games, ooey gooey pizza, and rock candy, I tell you, man, it's like paradise,” he replied.

  I laughed, and nodded. “Sure. You going after we get done here?” I asked.

  Liam nodded. “Yeah. We'll drive you there if you want, since you're lame and don't have your own wheels,” he told me.

  The two kids laughed, and I glared at Liam. “Thanks. It's not like my good looks are going to buy me one,” I reminded him.

  “You'd be lucky to get a Hot Wheel with those looks.”

  “Thanks,” I said with a sour voice. “You're the best friend a guy could ever hope to have.”

  Liam grinned, and looked back down to his picture. He colored in an area and then lifted up the picture for us to see. “Look, a cat!” he said with a smile.

  I gave him a thumbs up, even though his cat was pink and green. Liam had stolen the crayons too, and was still determined to color the cat green and pink.

  “Cat's aren't that color,” the kid next to me protested.

  “They are if I want them to be,” Liam replied.

  The kid didn't look convinced, and all of sudden called out to Julie. I looked to her, and saw her raise a brow as she came toward us. I gestured toward Liam, and she started to smile.

  “What's going on?” she asked, kneeling down at our table. She gave me a soft smile as she looked from me to the little kid.

  “Liam colored his cat wrong, and he won't listen,” the kid told her.

  I saw Liam straining his head to see what he was saying. Then, he scoffed. “I can color my cat however I please. He's my cat, Julie,” he replied, mimicking his voice to sound like a child.

  Julie was biting her lip to keep from laughing. I was staring at her without feeling embarrassed. I could have stared at her without any problems as long as she could sit there and remain Julie.

  “You know, if you dye your cat, he can be that color,” she told the kid, but I could see the fury on his face.

  “That's wrong, Ms. Julie. He did it wrong,” he said.

  “Just because you've never seen a pink cat doesn't mean there isn't one out there. I haven't seen God, but I know he's there,” she told him, trying to smile.

  I watched the kid stand up, and walk away. Whether he was angry at her not agreeing with him, or it was deeper, I wouldn't know. I knew I had been where he had, when it came to my relationship with God.

  I hadn't kept much of one until I met Julie. After that, with the books she had started giving me to read, and just being around her, I had found myself praying more, and feeling different.

  Julie looked to us. She had a sad smile. “I have to go talk to him. Were you going to the arcade with us?” she asked me, standing up.

  I nodded. “Liam convinced me,�
�� I told her.

  “Convinced? If saying Julie's name is convincing then I guess I did a good job,” Liam replied.

  I blushed, and I saw Julie grinning. She looked directly at me, and I felt the heat travel my neck as she said, “Happy to oblige.”

  She turned and went after the kid, and I turned to glare at Liam. “You are such a douche-bag,” I told him.

  Liam laughed.

  ♥

  I called and let Ava know that Liam and Julie would bring me home later. She didn't care, which was both weird and nice. As long as I was home at a reasonable time, she didn't care where I was.

  Mostly because she liked Julie. She really liked Julie.

  We climbed into Liam's car, which was nice, but Liam had made it his own. The headliner was covered with the same golden eagle he had on the front on the black Trans Am. The seats were covered with the same image, only with flames behind it.

  “Don't worry, Falon. These seats won't catch on fire,” he turned around to tell me.

  I'm guessing I should have gotten mad at a joke like that. Or at least insulted. But it was Liam. I couldn't get mad at Liam because most of the junk he said was funny.

  “No, but that hair of yours might if you don't shut up,” I told him, and he laughed as he turned around again.

  Julie sat in the passenger seat, and buckled her seat belt, but she was turned to her side to see Liam and little ole' me in the backseat. She looked out of place in the car of fire, but she was smiling.

  “I always feel like I've been transported to the eighties when I get in here. Wait till you hear his mix tape,” she said to me.

  Liam obviously hadn't seen what she said as he started the car, and the radio blasted Wild Thing into my ears. I'm talking about Tone Loc's hip hop fully pounding inside my ear drums.

  “Why does he even have a mix tape? He's deaf!” I yelled to her.

  Julie laughed as she turned down the music. Liam could tell, and he turned to her.

  “Why did you touch my radio? You don't mess with a deaf man's radio,” he said.

  She smiled and nodded towards me. “Falon wants to know why you have a radio if you can't hear,” she asked him.

  Liam looked into the rear view mirror to see me and then looked back to the road. “I can feel my music. That's why I got the bass turned up so loud, so I can feel the vibrations,” he told me.

  “And Tone Loc happens to be your vibration of choice?” I asked when he looked in the rear view mirror again.

  “Of course! You can't find better vibrations.”

  Julie was already laughing, and I started to. This was what happiness was. Julie had explained, and I felt like I was finally beginning to understand.

  Time flies quickly, and you have to hold on with dear life to the things that make it go faster because that's what happiness is. True happiness came from the things that you held onto so tightly that you thought your fingers would rot off before you ever let go.

  I was finding happiness with her. True happiness, and I found myself unwilling to let go.

  ♥

  Our town arcade was descent sized. It held more old school games than the newer ones, so mostly, it was older kids like Liam and Julie and me that came. We were more intrigued by the Mario's and Pac Man's, and Centipedes than a younger kid who wanted Need For Speed and Halo.

  I hadn't been inside. Ever. When I was younger, I didn't have any reason to go. I had my own games, and at that age, an arcade was lame. Afterward, I tried not to go anywhere.

  I was nervous, but mostly, it was because of Julie. She could bring me to knocking knees with just her smile. I was hooked to her, and being around her both thrilled and scared me.

  Going out in public with her scared me more than she did. The eyes of people as we passed them, wondering in their minds why someone so beautiful would even be near someone so hideous.

  It wasn't a confidence builder, let me assure you.

  We got out of Liam's car and started toward the arcade. Once inside, the lights were darkened, except for the two rows of florescent light through the center of the arcade. Liam stopped at the change machine, and slipped a ten dollar bill inside. He waited for his quarters, and grabbed Julie's purse when it started coming out, despite her protest.

  “He always does this. Ten bucks, that's it, and all in my purse,” she said to me, but I was stunned by how close she was. She was leaning into me, her mouth close to my ear as if we were sharing a classified secret. I could feel her breath against my ear, her fingers brushing my arm.

  I stared at her, and I forgot whatever it was she said. All I could see was her. I knew if I was to ever kiss her, even if it were only once, she would take over my senses completely. Everything would be enveloped in her, her taste, her touch, everything wrapped into the fire that made her.

  She was smiling at me with her all-knowing smile, and I grinned as I looked away. I knew she knew what I was thinking, and maybe that was okay. As long as she was okay with it, I was okay with staring at her.

  “Let's go blow some change,” Liam announced, holding up Julie's purse. The sight of the manly Liam holding Julie's floral purse was a sight to be seen, and not easily forgotten.

  Julie took her purse, and high fived Liam. “Time to break some high scores,” she replied, and we walked into the arcade farther.

  There were kids there, mostly our age as I had suspected. They were crowded around different games, but Liam headed straight for the Ms. Pac Man game, and after taking a handful of quarters from Julie's bag, fed the machine it's money.

  “Liam is a pro at this game. He forgets anyone is even here when he starts playing,” she told me.

  The next thing I knew, she was holding to my hand and pulling me in another direction. I didn't mind. Not at all. I would have allowed Julie to take me anywhere as long as she was with me.

  “You have to go against me on the dance game just once,” she told me, and I stopped walking. There wasn't much use in her trying to pull me, but she did anyway.

  “I don't dance,” I informed her.

  Julie grabbed onto my hand with both of hers. “You do now. Come on, Falon, just once,” she asked, pouting her bottom lip out. It was done after that.

  “That's a cheap trick,” I reminded her as I continued walking with her. I felt her laughing beside me, and suddenly it didn't matter if I made a complete fool of myself.

  I would be with her.

  Julie came up to the game, entering her coins and then jumping onto the mat. I stood away from it, and watched her getting her feet ready. She realized I wasn't there and looked in my direction.

  She tilted her head, and I saw her smiling. “Are you going to stand there and stare at me all day?” she asked.

  I shrugged noncommittally. “It sounds like a good plan to me,” I replied.

  Julie laughed and gestured for me to get up with her. “Come here and let me whoop your butt at this game,” she bartered.

  “I've got to see this. You didn't know, but I'm actually a pro at this,” I lied to her.

  Julie started laughing, knowing I was lying through my teeth, and we waited to start dancing. When the music came on, it was some EDM song that I didn't know. The colors started coming at us one by one, and I started to fail miserably.

  I looked over to see Julie keeping up with the signs, and looked back to my screen.

  I knew I looked like a fool. The burnt kid up on a pedestal, barely keeping up with the game, while he got beat by a girl. I also knew it didn't matter, because I was near her, and she wanted to be near me.

  “You have to at least try,” she called out to me, not breaking her eyes from the screen.

  Laughing, I said, “I am trying. I told you I don't dance.”

  She was laughing at me, and that didn't bother me. I was laughing at myself. If you couldn't laugh at yourself, I knew there were plenty of other people who would gladly do it for you.

  The game started going really fast, and I really started missing my steps. I smil
ed as Julie did too, but she looked at the missed steps as if they were the end of the world.

  She was invested in the game, and I was invested in her.

  “Shoot!” Julie complained as the game went off. It announced that she had won, which we both already knew, but I saw she was angry at the score because it hadn't came anywhere near the high score.

  The high scorer was called: LIA.

  “I am never going to beat his score,” she told me, stepping from the pedestal.

  “His?”

  “Liam's. He didn't want to use his initials, so he started spelling out his name. Couldn't get that pesty 'M' in,” she replied.

  I started laughing, but she seriously looked upset by the score. She glared at me, crossing her arms.

  “It's not funny. Liam has the high score on most of these games, and I can't beat any of them, and he thinks it's hilarious,” she told me, but I couldn't stop laughing. “It's not funny!” she yelled, punching my arm.

  I was trying to control my laugh as I grabbed my arm. “First, ow. And second, it is funny,” I told her.

  She bit her lip, laughing as I rubbed my arm in the spot where she punched me.

  “You find my pain funny?”

  “You thought mine was.”

  “True.”

  She laughed, and we started walking again. She came to the Centipede game, and we took turns on it a while before we moved on to a two player game. We both held the toy guns that came with it and shot the ducks as they flew into the air.

  I couldn't think of a time when I had felt the way I did when she was next to me. I'd like to think that she was looking at me with the same thoughts.

  Knowing how hard she had fought to make her relationship with Thad work, and knowing she had confided in me, made me think that maybe she did. I didn't talk to Liam about our conversation, but just by things he had said, I had a feeling that she hadn't really talked about it with anyone.