Pillar of Light

by Gerald N. Lund

  “How does it push?” he asked her two guides.

  “Good,” Will said.

  “Better on hard-packed dirt than in loose dust,” Peter added.

  “But on the boardwalks it just flies,” Kathryn cried. “I made them run with me.”

  Nathan leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. “That’s wonderful, Kathryn.”

  She smiled at him, her eyes lustrous and wide. “Yes, it really is.”

  Nathan nodded, then looked at Will. “Say, Will, have you got a minute?” He grinned at Peter. “Think you could handle this young lady all by yourself?”

  “Yes, sir,” he barked.

  Will started to follow, then turned and waved. “I’ll catch you. Don’t wait for me.”

  Peter moved along more slowly now, sensing that even though she was getting tired, Kathryn did not want this to end. She had laid her head back now, and her eyes were closed. They hadn’t spoken for several minutes.

  “Peter?”

  “What?”

  “I think you need to kiss the blarney stone.”

  “What?”

  Her eyes opened and she laughed up at him. “The blarney stone.”

  “What in the world is that?”

  “There’s a castle in Blarney, which is near Cork, in Ireland.” Without realizing it, she had slipped into a more pronounced Irish accent, sounding very much like her mother. “Legend has it that once the castle was threatened with attack from an enemy, but the nobleman saved it through his gift for talking and flattery.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yes. In the inner tower—or the castle keep, as it is called— there is a large stone. It is said that if you kiss the blarney stone, you shall be blessed with the gift of sweet, persuasive eloquence.” She smiled. “Not that I’m saying that you’re not eloquent. Actually, you’re very good with words. It’s just that you are sure not very talkative today.”

  He blushed deeply. “I’m sorry, I thought you were resting and—”

  She laughed merrily. “I shouldn’t tease you so.”

  He smiled at her sheepishly. “I don’t mind.”

  She kept her head tipped back so she could watch him. “Why aren’t you at work?”

  “Brother Taylor said to take whatever time I needed. I’ll work later tonight.”

  “Thank you, Peter.”

  “Oh, you’re welcome. This has been really fun for me.”

  “No. Thank you for the poem.”

  He started a little. “Oh.”

  “It was beautiful.”

  “I . . . I was afraid it might make you feel bad.”

  “Oh no! It made me remember that it’s only my body that’s crippled, not me.”

  He nodded, clearly pleased. That had been his hope.

  “It’s on my wall now,” she said shyly.

  “I saw it.”

  “You were one of the ones who carried me out?”

  He grinned. “Yes.”

  She turned back to the front and smiled, wishing that she had known that then.

  “Kathryn?”

  “What?”

  “Did you know that these wheels are big like this for a reason?”

  She looked down to where the wheels were slowly turning. They were large. The tops of them were almost even with the arms of the chair. “No. Why are they so big?”

  “So that when your arms get strong enough again, you can turn the wheels yourself. Then you won’t have to depend on anyone to take you out.”

  Her head dropped and she went very still. Peter’s step slowed and then he stopped. He came around to where he could see her. He fell back a little. Tears were trickling down her cheek. Seeing him there, she sniffed quickly and jerked away.

  “I’m sorry,” he said in dismay.

  Her head came back around. “Sorry?”

  “Yes, for what I just said.”

  She shook her head, angry at herself for causing the misunderstanding. “Don’t you realize what you just said?”

  “No, what?”

  “You said when my arms are strong enough, not if my arms get strong enough.” Her voice was barely a whisper now. “Thank you, Peter.”

  Nathan had been alone in the store and had some ledger books spread out across the counter. But he ignored those now and gestured toward the chairs in one corner. As the two of them settled in, Will watched his uncle with some curiosity. This was obviously going to be more than a brief question.

  “Any word from your father?”

  “Not yet. We expect him any time now. It’s been ten days.”

  “I hope he got a good price for that lumber in St. Louis. You’re about to become a well-to-do young businessman.”

  “Me? I’ll get my wages, same as the rest of the men, but that’s hardly enough to make me well-to-do.”

  Nathan was surprised at that. Joshua had told him that he considered Will a partner and would split the profits so that a generous share went to his son. But he clearly hadn’t told that to his son. In light of all that had happened, Nathan decided it wasn’t his place to say anything. “Have you ever seen Jenny Pottsworth since you got back?”

  Will nodded, his eyes hooded. “She came over to the freight office one day last week.”

  “She did?” That was news.

  “Yes. She was visiting with her mother. She came to apologize for how she had handled everything.”

  “That’s good. Are she and Andrew happy?”

  He shrugged. “That’s what she said.” He suddenly looked embarrassed. “I wouldn’t say this to anyone else, Nathan, and you’ve got to promise you won’t either.”

  He raised his hand, palm forward. “I promise.”

  “I think Jenny is sorry she didn’t wait until I came home. By then I had made my decision to join the Church, but she was already married.” Then he shook his head. “Ah, probably that’s just my imagination. Wishful thinking.”

  “Lydia said the same thing.”

  “She did?”

  “Yes. Jenny was over one day and spent a couple of hours at the store. Lydia said she had the definite impression that she had some regrets.”

  Will’s shoulders lifted and fell again. “Well, she didn’t wait and that’s that.”

  “Are you sorry?”

  He shook his head without the slightest hesitation.

  “Not at all?” Nathan said in surprise.

  Will nodded, thoughtful now. “It’s funny, isn’t it? There was a time when I thought the whole world had fallen in. Jenny was falling in love with Andrew. She wouldn’t write to me. Then that letter of Lydia’s came. I was ready to leave camp, throw everything over, run back here, and make everything right.” There was a short, embarrassed laugh. “Or make a fool of myself, that’s more what it really would have been.

  “Anyway, then I took that ride on a log going down the river. Suddenly, that brought things back into perspective again. I was really being childish, wasn’t I?”

  “Maybe childlike,” Nathan said softly. “But you’re not a child anymore, Will. You’ve grown up.”

  “Thank you.” His voice was suddenly husky. “And thank you for pulling me out that day so I could live to see how really foolish I was.”

  “You would have done the same for me,” Nathan murmured. “You know that, don’t you?”

  Will considered that, remembering the swiftness of the tragedy, remembering Nathan running along the riverbank, screaming at him, tearing off his coat. “I don’t know. I’d like to think so.”

  “You would,” he said flatly.

  “Well, I know this. I’m sure glad it’s not me who’s married. I’m not ready.”

  Nathan nodded absently. “With your father due back, have you decided what you’re going to do about being baptized?”

  “I’m going to be baptized. I’m only waiting until he gets back so I can tell him.”

  “I thought you wanted to wait for your mother.”

  “I do. She thinks she is going to go ahead.”

  Nath
an leaned back, the amazement written across his face. “Really?”

  He nodded. “Don’t you think she ought to?”

  It was as if Will had stuck him with an ice pick. Nathan visibly jumped, remembering the words of his father that early morning on the porch of the store.

  Will gave him a searching look. “What is it, Nathan? What is wrong?”

  He let the question pass. “Your father will be furious if you do.”

  “I know,” Will said sadly. “But my other Father will be disappointed if I don’t.”

  “What?” Nathan exclaimed. “What did you say?”

  “Listen, Nathan. I got my answer up in camp that night. My Heavenly Father told me very clearly what to do. Don’t I owe him something too?”

  Nathan’s eyes were wide and he leaned forward slowly. “Yes, I suppose you do. And you’re sure? You’re really sure?”

  “I should have been sure long before that. I mean, I’m the one who nearly sacrificed his life down at the Warsaw Signal office because they said something about the Church in the newspaper that I didn’t like. But then I turn right around and can’t make up my mind if the Church is true. I just kept going back and forth, back and forth. I couldn’t make up my mind.”

  Nathan was looking at him strangely. “Like a bird hopping back and forth between two branches?”

  Will’s brow furrowed. “What?”

  “You were kind of like a bird, hopping back and forth between two branches.”

  “Yes,” he said. “That’s a pretty good description. I had all these questions I wanted answered. Was the Church true? Was the Book of Mormon true? Should I be baptized? And I kept getting frustrated because I couldn’t seem to get the answers. And finally the Lord simply said to me, ‘Do and then you’ll know.’ And I knew that was the only answer I needed for now.”

  Nathan straightened slowly. “Do and then you’ll know?” he repeated, looking puzzled.

  “Yes. It comes from John, chapter seven, verse seventeen. The Savior said, ‘If you do my will, you shall know of the doctrine.’ So I’m going to be baptized. If Mother can join me, that will be wonderful. If not, I’m going ahead. If Father gives his permission, that will be wonderful. If not, I am going ahead.”

  Nathan had lowered his head and was staring at the floor.

  “Do you think I’m wrong, Nathan?”

  Nathan’s head came up. It was clear he hadn’t heard.

  “Do you think I’m wrong to feel that way? Am I making a mistake by going ahead when I don’t have all the answers?”

  Again there was a strange, wondering look. Then Nathan smiled faintly. “Do and then you’ll know,” he answered.

  Will’s mouth opened in surprise; then he grinned. “Yes. That’s it, isn’t it? I’ve got to keep remembering that. That is my answer.”

  Nathan jumped to his feet. “Will, could I get you to do me a great favor?”

  “Sure. What?”

  “Can you watch the store for me? We’ve got a new woman helping out now, but she won’t be here for an hour. Could you take it just until then?”

  Will was a little surprised by the sudden urgency in Nathan, but he nodded again. “Sure, I’d be happy to.”

  Nathan untied his apron, tore it off and tossed it onto a chair, then started for the door. He stopped. “What was that scripture again?”

  “John seven seventeen.”

  “Thanks. You’re wonderful, Will. You just pulled me out of the river.” And out he went.

  They found Joseph at the Homestead, working in his garden with Julia and young Joseph. While they were still half a block away, he looked up and saw them coming. He immediately left his work and came over to the fence and waited for them.

  “Hello, Joseph.”

  “Nathan. Lydia.”

  Nathan took a quick breath, then wasn’t sure what to say all of a sudden.

  Joseph watched them steadily; then his mouth softened into a smile. “I’d like to change my clothes. Can you wait in my office upstairs at the store?”

  “Of course.”

  Lydia looked up at Nathan. “I’ll just wait for you here,” she murmured.

  Joseph gave her a stern look. “I wouldn’t change my clothes just for Nathan,” he said. “I’ll meet both of you there in five minutes.”

  “I’m listening,” Joseph said, sitting back and folding his hands together.

  Nathan looked at Lydia, who smiled her encouragement. He smiled back at her, squared his shoulders, and then looked at Joseph. “The other day, you talked about asking the right questions, asking the questions that the Lord would have me ask.”

  “Yes, one of the great lessons of Liberty Jail.”

  “I’m not sure if I’ve come far enough, but I’m not asking the same questions anymore.”

  “What were your questions, Nathan?”

  He fumbled a little, finding this very difficult. “Oh, things like, Why is this happening? Is this really from God? Would God ask such a thing of us today?” He looked away, ashamed and yet not willing to hide it. “Has Joseph fallen? Has he been deceived?”

  Joseph nodded solemnly. “And now?”

  “Well, actually there was a middle level, another step. Yesterday, I started asking things like, If God did ask this of Joseph, why would he expect something so difficult? Why would he require a man or a woman to go against everything they have been taught? How could this possibly be pleasing to him?”

  “And now?” Joseph asked again, very gently.

  “There’s just one question now. What does God want me to do?”

  Joseph considered what that meant; then he leaned forward, his eyes pinning Nathan now. “And if I said that God wanted you to take another woman to be your wife?”

  There was a long moment of silence as their eyes locked, but finally, Nathan bowed his head. “Then that is what I would do.”

  Joseph turned. “Lydia?”

  Her eyes were glistening and the pupils were enormous and dark, like a cat’s eyes in semidarkness. But she did not waver from his gaze. “We are ready to do whatever God asks of us, Joseph.”

  An audible sigh went through him and he sat back. “Ah, Nathan, I cannot tell you what that means to me. You have been like a rock all these years. And then, when you looked at me the other day as though I had betrayed everything you ever trusted in, it was as if a lance had pierced me through.”

  “I’m sorry, Joseph. I don’t know what got into me. I was so angry. I—”

  “But it’s gone now?”

  “Yes.”

  “So no more questions?”

  Nathan thought of Lydia’s words that morning and reached out and took her hand. “Lots of questions, but no more doubts.”

  That seemed to please Joseph. “I would worry if you did not,” he growled good-naturedly. “I still have many, many questions.”

  “Really?” Lydia said. “Even you?”

  “Even me. And I don’t have all the answers either. But the important thing is, are your questions ‘if’ questions, or are they ‘why’ questions?”

  “I’m not sure what you mean,” Nathan responded.

  “It’s one thing to ask God why he does something, so we can better understand his will and purposes for us. It’s quite another to question if something really is his will.”

  All three of them were silent for a few moments, thinking about the difference. Then Joseph turned to Nathan again. “The other day I told you to come back when you were ready to ask the right questions. And here you are.”

  “Yes. I’m ready to listen.”

  “All right. Let me say this first. I don’t know all the whys of this. I think there is no question but what this is a test for us, individually and for the Church collectively. I understand Brigham already spoke to you of that, so I shall say nothing more. Second, there is no question that this will prove to be a blessing for some women.” He looked at Lydia. “For you who are happily married to a good and righteous man, it will be a test and a sacrifice. But thi
nk of Sarah Noon, for example. Abandoned by her husband, left with two children, no means of support. Now Heber will care for her, provide her with safety and security.”

  Lydia nodded, thinking of the feelings she had had about Jessica. “I can see that.”

  “In the Book of Mormon, it says this practice is only acceptable when God desires to raise up seed unto himself. I know that the Church has a great destiny yet to fill. Maybe the Lord needs that kind of righteous posterity in the days ahead. Maybe there are other reasons as well. Remember, these are no more than the musings of an unlearned man trying to fathom the unfathomable mind of God. I give them to you only as food for thought.”

  Now his visage abruptly changed. “But,” he said with sudden and deep solemnity, “there is one thing that you need to know with absolute certainty. We are living this principle because God requires it of us. It matters not whether there is any other reason at all. That is enough.”

  Nathan went to speak but Joseph rushed on. “I know that you do not dispute this any longer, Nathan, but I still must say it. I want you to hear just how clearly I know this is so.”

  He stood and walked to the window that looked out on the Mississippi River. “I first learned that this principle was going to be restored many years ago, when I was working on the translation of the Bible. When the Lord revealed it to me at that time, he said that it was not required that we live it yet but that he would reveal to me when that time had come. As the years passed, I knew that the time was coming when God would require it of us, but I kept pushing it back, not wanting to think about it.

  “Then in the summer of 1840, the Lord said that it was time to prepare to live it. I can’t tell you what feelings came over me. When the Twelve returned last summer, I was told to teach it to them. This caused me to feel the greatest of repugnance, Nathan. This is the greatest battle I have ever waged with myself. I know the voice of God, Nathan. I know it when he speaks. And I knew that he had spoken on this matter and told me to go forward, and not only to go forward with it, but that I myself must set the example.

  “Oh, the feelings that swept over me. Not only did I have to do battle with my own hesitations, I knew full well what this would mean to our people. I knew what it would mean to the Gentile world.” He passed a hand over his eyes. “As if they need another club with which to beat us.”