Ashes to Ashes

by A Lonergan

  "Beatrice, do you think you could prepare me to go out to the gardens tomorrow?"

  I knew the answer before she spoke it. Her eyes sparkled and she squealed. Her little hands clapped together. "Are you going to meet with your admirer?"

  I held my finger over my lips and tried to shush her. "No one can know. My father is trying to arrange my marriage. If he found out, he would lock the door to this room and throw away the key."

  "I don't know why you can't be Queen without a man." Beatrice whispered as she continued to brush my hair. A frown touched her lips.

  My eyes met hers in my gold plated mirror. "It's just not done."

  "Change it." she whispered. "Someday, change it for your daughter or your son. Don't let them steal your freedom from you."

  Three

  Arabella

  Beatrice's whisper haunted me the rest of the night. I tossed and turned until my nightgown was tangled around my ankles and the sheets were halfway off the bed. I kicked the fluffy blanket off of me the rest of the way and sat up.

  I didn't think I had it in me to do what I knew my heart needed. Lying to Beatrice hadn't exactly felt wrong, but it wasn't right. She was depending on me to make things better, to make a change for women, and here I was plotting my escape. But maybe it didn't have to be forever.

  Or maybe it did need to be. How could I come back to these suffocating walls after getting a taste of freedom? I didn't think it would be possible. I sighed. It would never be possible to come back and I knew it deep in my soul.

  * * *

  I stayed like that for the rest of the night. The blankets on the floor, strewn about in a crazed manner, and my eyes on the lace canopy above me. I didn't sleep. There was no way I could possibly rest. When Beatrice knocked on the door as the sun was starting to peek through my giant windows, all I did was turn my head toward the sound. I had no energy to get up and prepare for what needed to happen.

  "Miss! What a mess! Are you ill?" Beatrice gasped.

  I rolled my head around on my fluffy pillow and groaned. Maybe I was ill. "I don't know, B. I didn't sleep last night and I just can't seem to get my mind working correctly."

  "Do you need me to call for the doctor?" Beatrice picked all of the clothes off of the carpet and piled them beside the white paneled bedroom doors. Her maid's uniform was pressed to perfection and her honey-colored hair was braided beautifully over her shoulder. Her eyes were bright and clear and she looked happy. At least one of us was.

  "That won't be necessary, B. Just help me get dressed. Nothing for the garden. I couldn't possibly stomach that after the night I had." I rolled off of the high mattress and onto the thick carpet beside the bed. I pressed my nose into it and Beatrice giggled.

  "You are certainly unwell." She pulled me up by my elbow and looked into my eyes. "Tell me what's the matter."

  "Have you ever dreamed of more? Of something out there that you can't see, but you're yearning for it?" I asked, wistfully.

  Beatrice rolled her eyes. "Yes and that poor boy is going to be devastated and not want to meet with you again if you don't get a pep in your step and put something pretty on. You couldn't possibly stand him up!"

  "B, I don't rightly care if he doesn't want to meet me again if I am not myself. If he truly cared about me he would like me in all of my seasons. Do all of you silly girls fall for any boy that bats his eyelashes at you? Certainly not, I hope." I crossed my arms over my chest and shook my head as she tried to drag me into my closet.

  "It's about impressing them, Arabella." Beatrice shook her head. "What if they told the other boys you are hard to agree with or boring?"

  "I hope they would so all of those idiots would stay away from me. The last thing I want is to have to impress a man that doesn't seem to care for me anyway. Men like that only care about what's in between my legs. Beatrice, one day you will understand that being fancied by a man is lovely, but being valued by a man is even grander."

  * * *

  I couldn't mope around the walls of the castle all day or it would raise suspicion from Beatrice and then the doctor would get involved and the last thing I wanted was the electric shock treatment. I had heard the doctor had used it on some women in the castle when they were experiencing a crazed time of the moon. But from what it sounded like, the doctor just wanted to torture women and the husbands were letting him.

  I couldn't marry if that was going to be the outcome of my life. Letting a man decide my future wasn't going to fly. The man that was currently deciding my future didn't seem to know what he was doing, and he knew me! Well, maybe he didn't.

  I threw myself onto the concrete bench in the labyrinth and hoped I never found my way out. I threw my romance novel across the small area and watched as it disappeared into the green bushes. I hoped someone found it and went crazed from how scandalous it was. And if that was the only change I did for this kingdom, so be it. This kingdom needed a little bit of raunch.

  The labyrinth was located as far from the castle as I could go. Not many ventured into it and I didn't blame them. It was confusing and huge. I had been walking in circles for what seemed like hours. But I didn't mind being lost. It was a nice change to all the boring studies and duties that awaited me in the castle. I laid back onto the bench and watched the clouds swirl in the heavens. Oh, what I would do to be free. Peace wrapped around me in a tight embrace. I sighed in content.

  I must have dozed off because when I came to, there were shouts and my name was being called. I jerked off of the bench and looked around. Just as I started to rub my eyes a man slid into the narrow opening that led to me.

  "Princess Arabella?" the man asked.

  He was easily the prettiest man I had ever laid eyes on, besides his clothing. But there was something charming about the dirt that spotted his trousers and the grass stains on his shirt. It was endearing. He pushed his blonde hair from his brown eyes and shook his head.

  "That's me." I stood up and dusted my blue skirts off.

  "Do you like to put people in a panic?" He scowled at me in the same manner as I scowled at everyone else. No one had done it back to me, until now. I cocked my head in bewilderment.

  "Excuse me?" I frowned.

  "You are easily the most spoiled brat I have ever met." He pulled a rag from his back pocket and dabbed the sweat beading over his brow. He let out a hard breath and continued to scowl at me.

  I raised my eyebrows and smirked. "What have I done now?"

  “You have no care in the world over the fact that people have been distraught with your disappearance!" The man threw the piece of soiled cloth on the ground before he stomped on it.

  "What a temper! And they say mine is bad." I couldn't help but goad him. His face grew red as he realized I wasn't phased by his temper tantrum. But how could I be? I was the one that threw the most tantrums around here.

  "So I have heard. You are to return to the castle, with me, immediately."

  He was certainly beautiful, but bossy. I didn't like it. I narrowed my eyes.

  "Here's the thing, pretty boy. I don't take orders from anyone. I barely take them from my father and I am slowly slipping from my mother's grasp. I will follow you out of this Fairy Forsaken wasteland but keep your mouth shut or you will eat a bush." I crossed my arms over my chest and marched past him, but what he said next had me pause.

  "I would be careful telling men that. With all the dirty books you read, you would think you would know better." He smirked at me as he passed by and handed my romance novel back to me. I hadn't noticed it in his hands until now.

  My face heated, but I refused to hide it. I held my chin up and smiled at him. "Maybe dirty is what I want. You seem pretty dirty to me."

  I pointed to all the stains and holes in his clothes and he didn't speak another word, but a spark lit in his eye and I knew I had his attention.

  Four

  Arabella

  "I guess you aren't going to tell me your name." I stated.

  The man didn't stop, but hi
s words stopped me in my tracks. "I'm the one your expensive shoes gravitate toward when you're throwing a fit."

  "They sent you to search for me?" I asked in fright. I had done a lot of things, but I had never imagined I would meet the man that had taken a beating for all of my misfortune, especially not face to face. I especially didn't imagine him to be handsome either. Blood rushed to my face.

  He turned around abruptly and bowed low. His smile mocked me. "The gardener at your service, Ma'am."

  We rounded another corner and then another and then another. I didn't remember it taking me this long to get lost. But I also hadn't minded. I had come into this maze to get lost, to begin with.

  "I'm sure you have a name." I remarked.

  "I don't know why it would ever matter to you."

  I gulped. I had never been met with so much disdain and obvious hatred. I didn't care what he thought about me, but his tone was awful. Did he speak to my parents like that? Surely not or he wouldn't have a job. But I had accidentally knocked him out with more than five of my shoes. It was purely coincidental. I had earned that hatred fair and square.

  "It does because I would like to apologize for my behavior." He didn't stop but his stride slowed a bit. His head cocked to the side like he was waiting for me to continue. "I can't do that if I don't know your name."

  "I'm Alister." He didn't give me anymore and I didn't expect him to. I would take what I could get.

  "Well, Alister, I am terribly sorry that you happened to be under my window every time I disagreed with my parents. It was never done intentionally. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. That isn't my fault, but my temper could use some improving."

  He had the audacity to laugh. It was a deep, rich sound. It reminded me of something sensual. The sound of it made me think of all the books stashed under my mattress. A hot flash of pleasure rolled through my body. I blinked in surprise. "Your temper could use a lot of improvement! Have you even met yourself?"

  "You have no idea what it's like to live my life." I scowled at the worn dirt path we were walking on.

  "Oh, it sounds terrible. Live in a castle, a beautiful castle at that, probably the best in the entire realm, thanks to your mother and her standard for cleaning." He chuckled like he knew something I didn't. "You are waited on by the best staff you could possibly wish for. Your chef is the best this land has ever known and your clothing is brand new. I doubt you wear the same dress twice. Sounds terrible to me."

  I scoffed. "How about being twenty years old and being locked in a castle? Never seeing the world or your subjects! Never knowing anything, but what you read in a book. I would give anything to have freedom like you have. I would give it all up for what you have. I would trade my fancy clothes and food to be able to breathe the air outside of these walls."

  He turned to me and rolled his eyes. "You wouldn't know what to do with freedom if you got it."

  I couldn't say anything else about the subject. I should have known that he would never understand. No one would. "Are we ever going to get out of here?"

  "You almost made it completely through the thing. Which is surprising enough." He shrugged and his dirty shirt rode up his tan back. I gulped again. The first man I see and I'm ready to lose it all. What was wrong with me?

  "How is it that surprising? I like puzzles, I imagined it to be similar." It was my turn to shrug, but he was paying me no attention. To him,I was nothing but a spoiled brat and it was understandable. We had grown up completely separate lives, how could he possibly relate with my situation? To him, all this consisted of was glitz and glamour. There was nothing more and nothing less.

  The last corner of the hedges revealed the exit. Relief flooded through me. Not for the fact that I would have to say goodbye to handsome soon enough, but the fact that I would be away from his judgment and hatred. It had been nice to have some form of connection, even if it hadn't been entirely pleasant. Guards flooded around us and I turned to smile at Alister.

  "Thank you for finding me and interrupting my nap. The most tiresome thing I have ever done was walk through your gardens. I am thankful I had somewhere to rest my empty head." I didn't give him the chance to answer back. I tucked my hand into the elbow of one of the guards and let him escort me back to the prison I had always known. But instead of just mindlessly going, I looked up at the man but found myself staring into the face of a boy. He had to be years younger than I was. All of my life the guards had been faceless and nameless, meaning they never spoke to me and I never spoke to them. I didn't worry about learning much about them or even looking at them for long.

  I blinked. This boy had a scar across his face and sparkling emerald eyes. "How old are you?" It was the first sentence I had ever spoken to the men in blue that had surrounded me my entire life. It was the first time I had been interested in them.

  He paused, but recovered quickly, and picked up his pace like he was uncomfortable with conversation. "Sixteen, Miss."

  I made him stop this time and pulled my hand out of his grasp. "Why would you ever join the military so young?"

  He pressed his lips together in a thin line. "It's all my family could do. The fields were dying and our livestock was ill. It was my duty to help provide for my mother and sisters. It is an honor that I get to work in the castle."

  "Do you ever get to see them?" When had the crops dried up? Had all the livestock gone sick? Why hadn't I heard of any of this? Our people were suffering and I had no idea. Throwing temper tantrums seemed so silly now. I should have been fighting for a better cause, and not my own. No wonder Alister had been so hateful. I would have hated me too. I was a spoiled brat.

  He shook his head. "No, Miss. I swore to protect the crown for the rest of my life."

  "You don't have a day off?" That sounded even stranger. Who were the people parading around like my innocent parents?

  He shook his head before he bowed and held his white-gloved hand out to me. "We don't need to talk about me or my affairs. We need to get you back to your parents, they have been worried sick all morning. No one has seen you in hours."

  "I merely took a nap. How could that cause such a fuss?" I waved my hand around before I placed it back in his and we continued up the steps into the glistening white brick castle. As we walked up I let my other hand trail along the blue flowers that bloomed all the way up to the walls. Father had planted them as a tribute to my mother when he had discovered she was pregnant with me. I always wondered if he had planted them because he hoped for a boy. The thoughts always made me bitter. I wrapped my hand around the stem of one of them and yanked it free from the ground. I could change for my people, but maybe, not all at once. I liked being bitter. The thorns bit into the palm of my hand and I watched as my blood dripped onto the silver railing. Dread filled my soul as I wondered if this was a premonition for my future with all of this bitterness I held so dear.

  Five

  Arabella

  My mother's face was red from crying and my father's dark hair was disheveled. Mother was wearing a blue dress with an apron, and my father was wearing casual trousers and a tunic. It was out of place. Something wasn't right. This couldn't be because of me? Could it?

  "What's wrong?" The guard that had helped me through the castle disappeared into the throng of blue-suited guards and I was left wondering if I would ever notice him again. There were so many of them. It was like a constant sea around me.

  "There has been unrest in the town, as of late. We worried something had happened to you!" my mother cried.

  "I went through the labyrinth in the garden and stopped to read." There was no point in telling her what I was reading. She was already upset enough, I didn't need to set her off with this too. "I must have dozed off. Nothing to be worried about."

  "I knew we shouldn't have permitted you to go to the gardens." my father roared. "This is why you should stay in the castle. There is too much at stake. We can't lose our only child."

  "Oh, whatever would you do." I
tried to keep the sarcasm to a minimum, but I knew exactly why he was having a fit. "Why don't you have another child, so you can have a new heir? One that isn't anything like me! Maybe a son. Wouldn't that be grand? You both have many more years ahead of you. You both married young."

  My mother frowned and laid her head on my father's shoulder. Her hair was a mess, which wasn't usual either. Every time I had seen her, her blonde hair was in perfect shape, always pulled back away from her face in some elaborate style. Today it was down around her shoulders and frizzy. Like she had been hard at work. Which didn't seem likely. I had never seen her work a day since I was born."We love you."

  "Yes, of course, like you always say." Bitterness and anger usually fueled me, but this time all it was was sadness. It washed over me in deep currents. I blinked as I tried to clear the moisture gathering there.

  "We only want what's best for you," Father said, defeated.

  My shoulders slumped. I couldn't do this anymore. "If you wanted what was best for me, you would let me be free."

  * * *

  My room was my holding cell. It had been that way for a long time. Ever since I could remember it had been the place I was sent when I was too much, or I had nowhere else to go. It was the prison I dreaded but always went to anyway. I couldn't wander and I couldn't leave. What choice did I have? I paced the floor. I threw the book out the window before I remembered Alister. I hoped he wasn't at the receiving end of my torment, but alas, he was again. A grunt sounded from the ground.

  "I thought we had a talk about this!" he yelled from below my window.

  I sat on the window's edge and kicked my legs over the side. My dress fluttered around my ankles. I looked down at the man as he shook my risqué romance novel in the air. "I forgot."