Love is a Beach: a romantic comedy

by Lilliana Anderson

  “What’s going on?” Abigail asks as she slides in next to me.

  “This woman is trying to take on Nana,” I whisper.

  “Oh,” Abby says. “That’s not going to end well for her.” If a fourteen-year-old girl thinks an old lady is a badarse, you’d better believe it’s the truth.

  “Can you see any skin?” Nana asks the woman. Her face remains the picture of seriousness.

  “That is not the point. Just look at what you’ve done.” She sweeps her arm behind her, and sure enough, everywhere you look there’s a guy wearing a cute animal puppet over his dick. “Just look.” She points to Niall’s crotch as her last piece of offered evidence. Abigail giggles because Niall is standing there wearing a rooster.

  “Oh, you look wonderful, Niall,” Nana says in response, and I can see the pride in her free-spirited eyes.

  “This is an outrage.”

  Nana returns her attention to the red-faced woman. “Ma’am, if you’ve purchased one of our pouches and aren’t satisfied with the product, you’re welcome to return it for a full refund.”

  “There’s no way I’d hand good money over for something as…disgusting as this.”

  “Then I’ll kindly ask you to move along.” I am so impressed with how calm Nana remains.

  “I’ll move when you pack up and go.”

  “There’s nothing indecent about animal underwear, and as far as I’m aware, there’s also no law against wearing your underwear on the outside of your clothes, otherwise no one would ever be able to go out in public dressed as their favourite superhero. So, I think we’ll stay.” Nana folds her arms and sits back in her seat, a challenge in her eyes.

  “Then I’ll call the police.”

  “Go right ahead.”

  “Aw come on,” some guy says from the surrounding crowd. “Leave the old ladies alone. They aren’t hurtin’ anyone.”

  The woman doesn’t even acknowledge the guy and pulls out her phone, dialling the local police station. “Yes, I’d like to report several counts of indecent exposure,” she says when she’s connected.

  “Hey, hey. Now, that’s unnecessary,” another onlooker says. “You’re the one causing a disturbance.”

  “I won’t be bullied by you, young man.” She holds up her finger like she’s talking to a naughty child.

  “Put the phone down,” the guy says, reaching forward to stop her, which is when Leo steps in. Despite the fact that this woman is the cause of the scene, he’s not about to let some other guy put his hands on her. It’s swoon-worthy stuff and I’m falling in love with him all over again, and filled with very lusty thoughts.

  “Why protect her, bro?” the young guy says. “You with her?”

  “Not on your life. But we don’t need to give her a reason to play the victim here. The moment you touch her, she’ll cry assault. It’s easier to stand by and let her make a fool of herself off her own back. Don’t you agree?”

  The young guy pulls out his phone and nods. “Yeah, man. You’re right. She’ll make a great ‘Get me the Manager’ meme.” He snaps a couple of pictures of her.

  Leo shakes the guy’s hand. “I don’t know what that is, but it sounds like a good alternative.”

  There must be police on site, because it’s only minutes before they arrive, and the woman is animatedly telling them how disgusted she is with the willy-warmer stall. She’s gesturing at the young men wearing them, shaking her head so that her blonde bob is flicking left and right along with her wobbly cheeks. She’s gotten herself into quite a tizz, so much that her face is bright red and I’m a little concerned she’s going to stroke out.

  “We’re going to have to ask you to move along,” one of the officers says. “We’re a coastal community, ma’am. There’s nothing being shown that you wouldn’t see on the beach. In fact, they’re wearing more clothes than they would on the beach.”

  The other officer picks up a crocheted lion and holds it out to Nana. “How much?”

  “Ten dollars,” she says, trying not to grin but failing miserably like the rest of us.

  As the officer reaches into his pocket to pay the money, the crowd cheers and a few of the guys tell the woman to push off.

  “This is ridiculous,” she splutters. “You people, you’re what’s wrong with this world.” Then she turns and grabs the table, tipping it so the rest of the willy warmers go flying along with the cashbox. Money spills everywhere. Chaos ensues as some greedy bastards grab for what they can. Thankfully, the crowd has more good people than shitdicks in the mix, and those trying to abscond are stopped and hauled in front of the cops to be reprimanded. In the end, the police leave the area with three people in tow—the original woman, who caused the scene, and a teenage boy and girl who tried to take the money. As far as I know, they let them all off with a warning and asked them to go home.

  “That was so awesome,” Archer says, appearing at my side with his phone held between his hands. “When can we go home so I can edit this? It’s gonna be so cool.”

  Leo and Niall put the table back to rights, while Abigail collects the fallen willy warmers. “I think we’ll head off fairly soon, mate. Nana is almost finished here. Have you had fun?”

  “This has been the best day,” he says, a massive smile bursting past his cheeks.

  “Oh, I’m definitely finished,” Nana says, standing with the cashbox tucked under her arm. “I just have to take this to the money tent to donate to the hospital and we’re good to go.”

  “Can I come with you, Nana?” Archer asks, bouncing on his toes.

  “Of course, my boy,” she says with a smile.

  “I think I’ll go too,” Leo adds. “Just in case the vultures come back around.”

  “Me too,” Niall says, joining them.

  “See you guys back here,” I say as they wander off, my heart doing a happy little skip when Archer slips his hand into Leo’s and starts skipping alongside him.

  “Leo’s really good with him,” Abby says, watching them with me.

  “He is,” I say, slipping my arm around her waist and hugging her to me. “I think Archer reminds him a lot of Niall as a boy.”

  “He’s good with you too, Mum. I can already see how much happier you are being back with him. I’m sorry I came between you.”

  “Oh, darling,” I say, hugging her a little tighter. “I understand how much you were hurting. It was unfair of me to think I could start up a new relationship when you were struggling so much with your father leaving.”

  “Have you heard anything back from your lawyer?”

  Releasing her, I reach up and tuck a strand of her shiny brown hair behind her ear. “Not yet. But I don’t want you to get your hopes up, OK? I don’t want you hurt again.”

  “I’m OK, Mum. I guess I just miss him. I mean, I know he did some crappy things, but he’s still my dad.”

  “Yes,” I say. “And he’ll always be your dad. I just don’t know if he can be the kind of dad you need him to be.”

  She takes a big breath and sighs. “I’ll be all right if he can’t. I just wanted to try one last time, you know?”

  “I definitely know,” I say, understanding more than she knows after going through my parents’ divorce when I was close to Abigail’s age. My dad didn’t disappear the way Kevin has, but due to his alcoholism, he wasn’t the most reliable to be around. There were many weekends when he didn’t even bother showing up.

  After we finish helping the other ladies pack up, we carry most of the gear to Leo’s ute and stack it in the tray.

  “Looks like your paths joined again after all,” Betsy says with a smile once I’ve hooked the cover back in place. She gives me a bit of a fright because she’s so small and I almost elbowed her as I turned around.

  “Or maybe this was the path I was always supposed to travel along,” I suggest. “When you read my cards, you said I’d have to make some tough decisions to ensure my future happiness, and I think that’s what I did. It sucked, but while Leo and I were apart, w
e both managed to sort out our family problems so we could be together without hurting anybody. I think both our families are stronger as a result, and we can start again with a blank canvas.”

  She winks. “That’s a good way to look at it. Of course, I saw that in your cards all along. I just kept it to myself.”

  “Of course you did.” With a laugh, I link my arm with hers as we walk back towards the fete with the others. “Can I ask you something, Betsy?”

  “Anything.”

  “Did you…this sounds really silly.” I wave a hand to wave it away.

  “Spit it out, child. I’m getting older by the second.”

  “It’s just…you did that chant spell on me in January. I’ve always wondered if maybe you and Nana cast a spell to bring me and Leo together.”

  Reaching the cleared trestle table, Norma hands Betsy her handbag before announcing that she and Helen are taking off. We say a quick goodbye before continuing our conversation.

  “You think a spell could cause that amount of chemistry?” Betsy asks, looking far too amused to be taking me seriously.

  “No. But, you’ve both made comments about how you knew we’d fit together. Then the tarot cards were so on point. I just need to know if it’s all us or if you and Nana called for some universal guidance.”

  She reaches up a hand and pats me on the cheek. “No spells, sweetheart. Just plain old interfering matchmaking by some old ladies who think they know better.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You don’t think it was a coincidence that you met Leo at the beach the exact moment he was out running with his shirt off?”

  “That makes a lot of sense,” I admit, remembering how Nana had specifically called him over before Archer decided to wipe him out. “I hope she didn’t ask Archer to tackle him too.”

  “Oh, I doubt that. But I also wouldn’t put it past her. When Esme gets an idea in her mind, there’s little any of us can do to stop it. The moment you called and said your marriage was over, operation Leo and Darcy was in full effect. She’s always said she thought you’d be wonderful together. And she was right.”

  I don’t know whether to be annoyed or laugh. I choose to laugh. “Well, I suppose her heart was in the right place. And it’s not as if she made Kevin leave me, so I can’t really fault her anywhere.”

  “Oh, no, darling. She’d never do that. That scumbag husband of yours did that all on his own. Your life is going to be so much better now without him. I saw that in the cards too.”

  I lean in and give her a tight hug. “Thanks for being you, Betsy.”

  “Don’t get too soppy with me, child, or I’ll cry out the few remaining tears I have left and shrivel away to nothing.”

  It’s at that point that Nana arrives with Leo, Niall, and Archer. “I’ve just had the most magnificent idea,” she says, clapping her hands together.

  “Spit it out, woman,” Betsy says.

  “Picture this.” Nana holds her hands up in front of her face. “A Bayside Biddies recruitment drive. We travel around the state, maybe even the country, recruiting other biddies to join our trikey gang. We can have yearly retreats where we tour wine country and drink ourselves silly.”

  “Will they have to patch in?” Betsy asks. “Because I want to be VP if we’re doing the patch system.”

  Nana’s eyes light up. “Yes,” she says, almost in a hiss. “And I’m president. This will be perfect. Come with me, Bets. There’s a biker stall set up near the cash tent. But don’t worry, they’re not the bad kind of bikers, they’re called grey warriors or something like that—retired people travelling and having fun as a group. They can point us in the right direction to get our trikey gang out of Bayside and around the country.”

  “Let’s take it to the world,” Betsy says as they toddle off together, arm in arm.

  “Oh no, Bets, we’ll be dead before it gets that far. Be logical, we’ve got maybe ten years left in us.”

  “If you can’t take over the world in ten years, Esme Sullivan, then I don’t even want to know you,” Betsy retorts.

  “Fine, we’ll take it to the world then,” Nana says and that’s the last we hear before they disappear into the crowd.

  “Those two are nuts,” Abby says, laughing.

  “I think they’re lit,” Niall says, chuckling.

  “You know, if I ever wrote a book about these women, no one would believe the things they get up to,” I say.

  “They’d have to,” Archer says from beside me. “I have it all on video.”

  I place my hand on the top of his head and ruffle his hair. “I suppose you’re right. Ready to go?”

  “Hells yeah,” he says, changing it to, “heck yeah,” when I give him a stern eye.

  “OK, let’s go,” Leo says, gesturing for Abby and Niall to leave too. This simple moment of walking towards Leo’s ute as a single unit makes my heart happy.

  “How’d everything go handing the cash in?” I ask Leo as we all climb into our seats, three kids in the back, Leo and I in front.

  “Great. They donated over eight hundred dollars to the hospital fund.”

  “Who knew a bunch of cock socks would prove so popular?”

  “They’re bloody hot on your nuts though,” Niall says from the back. “I had to take mine off or I reckon kids would be off the cards for my future.”

  “Maybe they’re more of winter a thing,” I say, also hoping Archer doesn’t ask how warm nuts impedes making babies.

  It doesn’t take long before we’re back at Nana’s place, carrying the displays and supplies from the stall up to the deck. Archer is talking animatedly about how he’s going to edit the video of the day and pretend he’s a ‘man on the news’ reporting a story. He asks Leo if he can borrow a tie and Leo says sure thing, and everything is feeling as perfect as can be until a figure stands from Nana’s outdoor table.

  “I was wondering how much longer I was going to have to wait in this heat.”

  “Kevin?” I say, the bottom of my stomach falling out.

  FIFTY-SEVEN

  DARCY

  “Dad.” Abby grins and breaks into a run, slamming against her father’s chest with the same ferocity Archer ran at Leo earlier this morning. By contrast, Archer remains by my side, holding my hand as he looks on.

  “Why is he here?” he asks.

  “I’m not sure,” I say, my voice shaking because after all this time, I honestly didn’t think I was going to see him again. And I don’t know how I feel right now. It’s definitely not happy…

  “Hello, Archer,” Kevin says as he releases Abigail and puts her about an arm’s-length away from him. It hurts to watch because she’s smiling, grateful that he’s here, and he’s already distancing himself. He’s not here for his children.

  “Hi, Dad,” Archer says, holding tighter to my hand.

  “Darcy.” Kevin’s eyes move to me then to Leo and Niall. “Who’s this?”

  “I’m none of your business,” Niall snaps immediately, his eyes narrow, nostrils flared as he takes in the scene as it plays out in front of him. It makes me realise how protective he is of Abigail already.

  Leo steps forward. “Leo Murphy,” he says, holding his hand out for Kevin to shake. “I’m Darcy’s fella.”

  Kevin pulls his head back like he’s surprised or perhaps disbelieving that anyone could actually want me when he didn’t. Over these past few months, I’ve learned to let go of a lot of the anger I held towards him, but now it’s all there, a pressure in my chest that has me wanting to yell at him until my voice is hoarse.

  “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” He studies Leo’s face as he shakes his hand. “You’re that guy in the papers. The footballer who married that Neighbours chick. Why the hell did you give that up?” Is he insinuating what I think he is? I feel like the unspoken ‘for her’ is hanging in the air.

  Still holding on to Kevin’s hand, Leo smiles in the way a fox would smile before eating a rabbit, then he leans in and says something I can�
��t hear, something that makes Kevin’s face pale.

  “I’ll leave you and Darcy to talk,” he says when he pulls back, patting Kevin’s shoulder before he releases his hand. “I’ll be right next door.” He directs the last part at me.

  “So will I,” Niall says, looking from me to Abigail.

  “And so will I,” Archer says, following along.

  “Archer,” Abigail says, the look on her face telling him to get right back here.

  “No, it’s good,” Kevin says, nudging her on the shoulder. “You should go over there too. Give your mum and me the chance to talk.”

  “Will I get to talk to you too?” she asks hopefully.

  “Maybe,” he says, a flippant tone to his words. “We’ll see.”

  Then Abby’s expression falls along with her shoulders and she nods. “Goodbye, Dad,” she says, bringing tears to my eyes, because this isn’t any old goodbye. It’s the goodbye of a girl who just lost hope.

  “Yeah, bye, Abs,” he says. Her face crumbles and she turns away from him, keeping it together as she dashes from Nana’s deck to Leo’s. I touch her arm in comfort as she flies past me then clutch at my chest when I see her land in Leo’s arms and burst into tears as Niall closes the sliding door, shaking his head.

  “You’re an arsehole,” I say, walking up onto the deck and dropping my handbag on the bench seat. “What is wrong with you?”

  “You’re blackmailing me and I’m the arsehole?” he says, sitting back down on Nana’s outdoor setting. He has an earring now, a little diamond stud. His teeth are also whiter, and I’m pretty sure he’s coloured his hair to cover up the grey. And he’s been working out. He’s even wearing a fitted T-shirt to show off his newly acquired muscles, tiny compared to Leo’s, but they’re there, along with his spray-on tan. Who is this man?

  “It’s not blackmail, Kevin. That money belonged to the family, not you. And you committed fraud. All I’m asking is for my fair share so I can pay out the debt you created in my name, support our children, and move on with my life.”