Love is a Beach: a romantic comedy

by Lilliana Anderson

  “You didn’t work for any of it. I supported you and your hobbies for twenty years.”

  “What? You never let me have a job. You stopped me from going back to uni after I had Abby. You didn’t give me a choice. Jesus, Kevin, what is wrong with you? What is so wrong that you can’t appreciate that you literally had it all. Kids who loved you, a devoted wife. I took care of you, I did everything you ever wanted of me. I nursed you through cancer. And the minute we left the oncologist’s office, not only did you dump me callously, but you were ready to run. You had already taken everything and left me with your debt. What kind of monster does that? I was destitute, Kevin. Your children were destitute.”

  He crosses his legs at the ankle. “You were never going to go without. Your family was always going to step up and take you in, and it looks like that rich nana of yours jumped at the chance. You don’t need or deserve my money.”

  “Your money? Our money. We’re married, Kevin, so legally, it’s half mine. Not to mention the fact that you’re also responsible for two children we created together.”

  “You’ve got a substitute dad for them now too. You’re doing just fine.”

  “No, Kevin,” I say, my voice rising. “I’m not ‘doing fine’ off the back of someone else. I’m here working my arse off to provide for our kids. Don’t you dare make out that I’m some money-grubbing bitch who’s jumping from person to person with her hand out. Don’t you fucking dare.”

  “Whatever, Darcy. You’re not doing it hard.”

  I press my fingers against my temples and take a deep calming breath. “Why are you even here? Is it to see the kids? To tell me how much you resent our life together? What?”

  “I want the shoebox.”

  “The what?”

  “The shoebox you took from the house. It was in the garage, full of receipts and stuff.” Oh, the box Jo found with all the paperwork in it.

  “The proof you committed fraud?”

  He grins, and I stand here wondering what I ever saw in this man. He’s by no means ugly to look at, but he is ugly on the inside. Ugly and selfish. I’ve had enough time away from him to realise how much he used me and kept me down. Now I feel free and loved, and my whole world is so much brighter now. I just want him to go away.

  “If you want me to agree to a settlement, you’re going to have to hand it over so I know you won’t use it against me in the future.”

  “It’s with my lawyer, Kevin. When you sign the paperwork, we’ll hand it over.”

  “How can I be so sure of that?”

  “How can I be so sure you’d sign if I handed it over now?” I shoot back.

  “Because I’d give you my word.”

  “Well, your word is bullshit. You promised yourself to me in front of God and you walked away without much trouble. Forgive me if I don’t trust you.”

  He actually laughs. The bastard laughs. “Does your meathead boyfriend know you still have a thing for me?”

  My mouth falls open. The gall of this man.

  “Sorry, Dar, I’m just not interested any more.” He stands up and brushes his hands over his too-tight jeans. “Just give me the box and I’ll go.”

  “I told you, I don’t have it. But let me give you this instead: if you don’t leave, I’ll skip the settlement altogether and hand it over to the police. I bet you’ll look real pretty in orange.”

  “I wouldn’t go to prison for that.”

  “You sure about that? Willing to test it out?”

  Taking a deep breath, he narrows his eyes and looks me up and down. “You’ve changed. I don’t like it.”

  “I don’t give a fuck about what you like any more. You’re someone else’s problem now.”

  He holds his hands up like he used to when he claimed I was being hormonal. “Then I guess our lawyers will sort this out. Tell the kids I got called away, or something.”

  “How about you say goodbye yourself this time?”

  He scrunches his nose a little. “Nah. I don’t do messy.”

  Then he gives me a nod and heads for the gate, pulling it open before I call after him. “I need to know one thing,” I say.

  “What?”

  “All those conferences, the late nights, the paintball tournaments; were they actually real?”

  He runs his tongue along his top lip before he answers. ““I reckon you already know the answer to that one.” I do now. Without a doubt. And I once trusted this scum…

  “Why? Why did you?”

  He chuckles. The bastard.

  “Why not?” Another brazen shrug. “You had no clue the first time. No. Fucking. Clue. It was too easy. And too fucking good to stop.” This time, I don’t cry, even though my heart is hurting, I have no more tears left for this man. I feel heat rising up my chest and all over my body, that anxious energy that causes your skin to burn. I’m so angry. So, so angry. He made his choices, and quite frankly, we’re all better off without him. As he walks away, I hope we never see him again.

  FIFTY-EIGHT

  LEO

  “This is Archer, reporting from sunny Melbourne. Make sure you give me a thumbs up at the end of this video, and if you really liked this, click subscribe, and I’ll bring you more local news as the shenanigans unfold.”

  Shenanigans. What eight-year-old boy says shenanigans?

  Niall gives him the real-life version of a thumbs up as he finishes the recording.

  “Did you get it all?”

  “Sure did,” Naill says, shifting to the side as Archer moves to sit beside him on the couch. If you’d told me a week ago that my closed-off, arrogant, and angry son would be sitting in my house being kind and thoughtful to my girlfriend’s little boy, I would have scoffed. It’s as though being away from Tash has given him a broader perspective on life. And although he has every right to still be angry and ill-tempered as he deals with the lies he was fed for years, seeing him offering a little boy kindness is making me feel so damn proud. There is good in him. He and Archer have been recording his voice-over and on-screen news reporting since we got back. It’s been a good distraction for whatever is going on with Darcy and Kevin next door. Well, it is for Archer and Niall, anyway. Abby and I are sitting at my dining table with a storm cloud above our heads.

  “Are you OK?” I say to her after we’ve both taken time to calm down.

  With a bounce of a shoulder, she leans her head on one hand. “I thought that when we saw him again, it would be like this big happy reunion. But he acted like he didn’t even care we were there.”

  “I’m sorry he behaved that way,” I tell her, reaching across the table to pat her arm gently.

  A tear falls from her eye but she swipes at it pretty darn fast. “It is what it is. I mean, it’s no real shock since he hasn’t returned even one of my messages in a hundred and twenty days…or whatever,” she mumbles, as if embarrassed she knows that detail. That stupid fuck doesn’t deserve this girl. “But I hoped he’d realise he missed us and he’d visit. I don’t know…”

  “There’s nothing wrong with hoping for the best,” I say.

  “Well, if he was a real man,” Niall puts in, “he’d step up and be a father to his kids. No matter how much you and Mum hated each other, you were always there for me, Dad.”

  “I don’t even want him to be my dad,” Archer says with a scowl. “He left without saying goodbye and he stole all our money. I’d prefer no dad at all.”

  Abby’s face clouds over as she listens to the boys’ comments. “You’re right. I know you’re right. I just need to let him go.” She pushes her hands away from her like she’s shoving something away from her chest. I can see Darcy’s strength in her.

  “I hear your nana’s friends do a pretty good cleansing spell. They did it on your mum on New Year’s Day. I don't believe it’s magical as much as it’s symbolic. But maybe it’ll help.”

  She shrugs. “Maybe.”

  “Hey Dad,” Niall says, loading Archer’s video onto his computer so they can cut it all togeth
er. “What did you say to that guy when you leaned in?”

  “Oh,” I say, sitting back in my seat. “I just told him I didn’t give up anything with Tash. I found something great with Darcy. Then I thanked him for messing up because his loss is my gain. And I warned him that if he ever does anything to hurt any of you, I’ll, ah…make sure he feels very sorry for that.” I flash a quick smile as I recall the actual words I used, ‘If you so much as upset the hair on their heads, I’ll break every bone in your body.’ Not my finest moment, but it felt bloody good after watching him push Abigail to the side like that. It took everything I had not to take that pointy weasel face of his and smash it into the ground. He’s lucky I’m a calmer man these days.

  “You really did that?” Abby asks. “You thanked him for messing up?”

  “I did,” I say with a nod. “And I meant it. Because if he didn’t walk away, I wouldn’t have met your mum, and I wouldn’t have met you. And I wouldn’t be getting a second chance to have a happy family. I have everything I ever wanted in life right here in this room.” I let my gaze land on each of the three kids.

  “And next door,” Archer says. “You can’t forget Mummy.”

  “Oh, I’m not forgetting her. She’s standing right there.” I point to the hallway where Darcy stands, leaning against the wall as she watches me interact with our kids. And I’m saying our kids now, because the moment I fell for her, I welcomed these kids into my life. While I don’t want to say I’m going to be a better dad to them than Kevin was, I’m still going to, because these kids deserve something better. We all do.

  “Mummy.” Archer jumps up and runs over to his mother, wrapping his arms around her as Abigail does the same, crying against Darcy’s shoulder. She holds her tight, apologises for Kevin’s douchiness, and promises everything is going to be OK. She’s such an amazing mum.

  My heart goes out to them. I never knew my dad, so I never felt the sting of rejection when he walked away. But I did feel the absence of a father figure growing up. My mother was amazing, don’t get me wrong, but there’s something inside boys that longs for an older man to show them how to navigate this world as a man. It’s why I never stopped trying with Niall no matter how hard Tash pushed. And I’m pretty sure girls need men around to teach them how they should be treated by the opposite sex. Fathers are important to kids in so many ways. I missed out, and I refuse to let these kids miss out just because Kevin is a fucktard. There was never any doubt in my mind, but I make a vow here and now that I will always treat Abby and Archer as though they’re my own.

  “Let’s give them a moment.” I turn to Niall and incline my head towards the sliding door. We move out onto the deck, giving Darcy a chance to talk things through with her kids. Sometimes, being there for someone means knowing when to step away.

  “You’ve got it so bad,” Niall says, rubbing a hand against his chest as he stretches his legs out in front of him.

  “I told you, son, she’s the one all the stories tell you about. We think they don’t exist, but they do. And I swear, your whole body knows about it. Like these little tentacles come out of you trying to grab hold and…” I stop talking because Niall is looking horrified.

  “Don’t ever describe it like that again. Not to your son, anyway. I don’t want to know anything about your tentacles trying to grab hold of her…whatever.” He shudders. “Yick.”

  “Hello,” Esme sing-songs from her deck. I hear the sliding door move along the tracks. “Where is everyone?”

  “Over here, Ez,” I call out before she pops her head around the privacy screen.

  “Thought you wouldn’t be far. Darcy’s bag is inside.”

  “She’s inside mine talking to the kids.”

  “About moving in to the new place?”

  “Their arsehole dad was here,” says Niall.

  “Oh dear. What did he say to them?”

  “Absolutely nothing,” I say. “Barely said hello before he wanted to talk to Darcy.”

  “I hope he doesn’t expect she’ll take him back.”

  I shake my head. “I’d say it had something to do with the settlement. He left pretty quick. Kids are upset.”

  She sighs, her mouth curving down. “What a cretin of a man. I hope he gets gonorrhoea. Or something worse than that. What’s worse than gonorrhoea?”

  Niall shrugs. “Flesh-eating bacteria?”

  “Yes,” she says. “I knew there was a reason I adored you, Niall. That’s exactly what that man needs. But in his dick so it falls off and he can’t use it. I wonder if I have a hex for that.”

  “Ouch,” Niall and I say in unison.

  “Remind me never to get on your bad side,” Niall says, adjusting in his seat.

  Esme holds two fingers at her eyes then turns them to indicate she’s watching him.

  “Want to join us over here?” I ask. “I don’t have much to offer besides water, but the company’s OK.”

  “The company is supreme,” she says. “But I’m afraid I have to love you and leave you. I’m meeting Arthur for dinner.”

  “Arthur? Isn’t he the one you thought was getting too serious? Or was that George?”

  “No, it was Arthur. He’s my only one now.”

  I can’t keep the grin off my face. “Well, well, well. This is a complete one-eighty from the Esme I know. Who are you?”

  She lifts her brow in a show of her cavalier attitude. “A woman who’s entitled to change her mind. He was very thorough in his wooing techniques and well, he won me over.”

  “May you have a long and vivacious journey together,” I say.

  With a grin, she bows her head in thanks. “I appreciate you not putting a label on it, dear. You know how I hate those things.”

  “I do. Have fun tonight.”

  “You too. I’m sure you’ll have to think up something wonderful to take everyone’s mind off he-who-shall-not-be-named.”

  “Did she just make a Harry Potter reference?” Niall asks, chuffed.

  “Of course, I did,” Esme says. “I’m old dear, not dead.”

  “I love her,” Niall says as Esme goes inside. “She’s the best old bird I’ve ever met.” She is. I’ve watched her take a special shine to Niall, as if knowing that he needed a nana just as much as Abigail and Archer. How she knows exactly what everyone needs is beyond me. Maybe she really is some kind of magical?

  “I’m going to miss not living next door to her. But I think we’ll see her plenty. She’s Darcy’s grandmother, after all.”

  “Hey, I just thought of what we can do tonight.”

  “What’s that?”

  “It requires a backyard and a weird-shaped ball,” he says as he rubs his hands together. “It’s something you’re really good at.”

  “Backyard footy?” I laugh. “I haven’t played that with you for years.”

  “It’ll be fun. We can initiate the new kids to the Murphy way of life. Plus, it’ll give them a chance to see the new house so they get used to the idea. What do you think?”

  “I think we can run it by them and see what they think.”

  “That’s the way, pops,” he says, slapping me on the arm.

  “Hey, Niall,” I say a second later.

  “Yeah, Dad?”

  “Thanks for embracing all this. It means a lot.”

  He gives me a nonchalant shrug. “It’s no biggie. I like seeing you happy. I’ve given you a lot of misguided crap over the years and this is my way of making up for it. And I’ve always wanted siblings, so it’s about time you sorted that shit out.” He finishes with a cheeky grin and I laugh. I love this more relaxed version of my son.

  FIFTY-NINE

  DARCY

  “Look at me, I’m a meathead,” Archer yells, running over the grass with a football under his arm. Abigail races after him, lunging forward to pull the piece of torn material from the back of his shorts.

  “Got you. You’re tagged,” she says, a huge smile on her face as she waves the green cloth in the air.


  “Aw man,” Archer complains, moving back to where Abby stands so we can get the game moving again. He tucks the material back into his shorts then Niall and myself line up behind him with Leo and Abigail on the other side.

  Archer taps the ball on his foot then passes it to Niall, who runs at Leo then fakes left but passes the ball to me instead. I shriek and fumble, all thumbs, before I get hold of the damn thing and run for the plastic chair that marks our goal line.

  “Eeek,” I shriek, laughing as I’m caught around the waist and lifted off the ground by Leo.

  “No contact,” Archer yells. I kick my legs, laughing hysterically as I clutch the ball to my chest and Leo tackles me to the ground.

  “I’m never letting go,” I yell as he tries to tickle it from me.

  “Stacks on,” Niall yells, and the next thing I know, I’ve got an extra three bodies landing on top of me.

  “This isn’t what I signed up for.” I cackle, as someone manages to get the ball from under me and we all fall apart in a laughing heap on the soft lawn.

  “Having fun?” Leo asks, offering me a hand to help me up.

  There are grass stains on my pants and my hair is in my face, but I nod. “I am.”

  After Kevin left, I had a heart-to-heart with the kids, telling them I didn’t think we should make spending time with him a part of the settlement agreement. Instead, I wanted a parenting order drawn up that would give me full custody and release Kevin from any further monetary obligations. “I think that if he doesn’t want to be a part of this family then we shouldn’t make him,” I said.

  Archer cried and asked why he didn’t just stay away, and surprisingly, Abby said the same. It really hurt her to have him dismiss her the way he did when she was so obviously excited to see him. I don’t want to give him the chance to do that to her again.

  “What if he changes his mind and tries to see us when we’re older?” Abby asked after I explained his reason for coming to Bayside, hating that I was left to do his dirty work yet again.