Losing You

by Gen Ryan

  “He’s up.” He shook me awake and I wiped the drool from my cheek.

  “Let’s hope he gives us something, or this is a fucking waste.”

  Smith nodded and turned up the volume on the surveillance.

  Sergio’s cell phone rang.

  “Boss,” he answered, and Smith and I both jumped. “Boss” could only be one person: Vega.

  “Three days, the Chinese restaurant on East Street. Got it.” Sergio laughed. “The cops ain’t got shit on me. They let me go.” All went silent for a minute and I held my breath.

  “All right, see you then.”

  I did a little dance in the car and Smith laughed.

  “Hell yes! We caught a break. He’s meeting Vega in three days.” My excitement fizzled out as I realized I wouldn’t be back from California yet.

  “Aren’t you going away for your four days off?” Smith asked nonchalantly as he took more notes. Why was this kid documenting everything? He should have been a damn stenographer.

  “Yeah, guess I’ll have to cut it short.” I rubbed my face and tried my best to bite back my frustration. Brad was understanding of my work, but we’d been waiting weeks for this trip. I was still going; I’d just have to cut it short. That counted for something, right? I gave myself a pep talk and headed back to the station to deliver the news to Chief and the rest of the team that in three short days we’d have Vega. Case closed. Then I could focus on Brad. Focus on us. Because the guilt I felt about having to leave early only meant one thing—I’d fallen for him, and fallen hard.

  ***

  “I can’t believe you’re still going to fucking leave when in three days we could have our guy.” Biggs shook his head. “Guess you don’t want this promotion after all.”

  I wanted the promotion. I’d worked myself into the ground, losing out on time with my family that mattered more to me than anything in the world.

  “It’s my four days off. I’ll be back early and will be there for the sting.” I didn’t look at Biggs anymore because I knew I wasn’t going to like what I saw. His eyes bored into the side of my face.

  “I hope this trip’s worth it.” He snickered. “This is why I love ’em and leave ’em. No strings attached.”

  I turned to face him and looked him square in the eyes.

  “And where has that mentality gotten you thus far, Biggs?”

  He smiled wide. “It’s going to get me lieutenant.” He inched closer to me. “And it’s going to get you spending the rest of your time taking orders from me.” His finger was in my face, and all the anger, all the frustration of the situation coursed through me. My body shook, my vision blurred, and his finger needed to get the fuck out of my face.

  I grasped his finger and fought back the urge to snap it in half as I leaned in closer to Biggs.

  “What the fuck. You’re hurting me.” He seethed in pain as I got in his face. I needed him to hear what I had to say and I needed him to hear it loud and clear.

  “Listen, Biggs.” I gripped his finger tighter and he flinched. “I’ve taken all your shit, your fucking homophobic comments and downright rude nature toward me since the beginning. I don’t care if you think you’re going to get lieutenant, because deep down, I know I deserve it more than you and I know the best man will get the job.” I gave his finger one last squeeze for good measure and released him. He glared at me.

  “I don’t know who you think you are—”

  I put my hand up to silence him.

  “I’m the future lieutenant. So fuck off.” With that, I turned on my heel and walked away.

  Maybe I didn’t handle the situation in the best way possible. I was quick to anger but usually stifled it and pretended it wasn’t there. I was tired of Biggs thinking he ran the show just because he didn’t have anything other than work to focus on. That just because he didn’t care about his family or what this job cost him it made him better than me. I was going to prove that you could have a healthy, happy relationship and be a cop. That with trust, dedication, and balance, anything was possible. I just hoped that when I told Brad I’d have to cut our trip a little short, he understood. Because I was trying my hardest to balance everything and find my way through this mess called life and this thing called a relationship. It was almost as hard as trying to make lieutenant, but in the end, I knew it’d all work out.

  18

  ___________

  BRAD

  “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” I grabbed my suitcase from the overhead bin as Colton stretched in the aisle. The flight had been uneventful, if you didn’t count my anxiety about seeing my parents for the first time in years. I had zero qualms about them meeting Colton because I knew they would think he was amazing.

  “It’s going to be fine.” Colton rubbed my shoulders as we waited to exit the plane. “They’ve been waiting years to see you. It’s going to be great.” I looked back at him and he smiled. With just his smile, all my worries seemed to drift away.

  He held my hand in his as we walked through the airport terminal and down to baggage claim. A quick squeeze of his hand grounded me as I looked down the escalator and saw the two faces I’d missed so fucking much over the past four years.

  My mother’s sandy-blonde hair was sprinkled with gray. A lump formed in my throat at the realization that my own fear had caused me to miss years with my parents that I would never get back. My father was no different. His once blond hair was also a light shade of gray, but when they saw me, they both smiled, the youth I remembered returning to their eyes.

  My mother pulled me from the escalator and wrapped me in her arms. My father joined us, all crying and talking over one another with how much we’d missed each other, how four years was too long.

  “Oh.” I slipped out of my parents’ embrace and looked over at Colton, who had a hint of moisture glistening in his eyes. Something in me stirred at the realization that the moment with my parents impacted him too. I was so glad he was with me.

  “Mom, Dad.” I reached for Colton’s hand and dragged him closer. “This is Colton.”

  My mother wiped her eyes. Colton reached out his hand to shake hers but she bypassed it, instead bringing him in for a hug. His eyes widened as he looked at me over her shoulder, before he loosened up and returned my mother’s hug. After she released him, my father shook his hand.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Morris, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Colton said.

  “Please call us Stacy and Frank.” My mother smiled. “Let’s get your bags and get out of here.”

  “This is all we brought with us.” We showed them our bags.

  “Great, well, let’s go home.”

  Home. I breathed out. This was my home.

  The entire car ride, my mother talked about everything I’d missed over the years. Friends who had gotten married, graduated college, had kids, gotten divorced. I half listened, but mostly I stared out the window looking at the places that seemed like distant memories. My favorite ice-cream shop, the burger place Melanie and all our friends would go to every day after school. Santa Cruz was every surfer’s dream, lined with beaches and the best waves. But more than any of that, it held memories and a past I had tried so hard to forget. Being back there, seeing it all again, made me question why I ran in the first place. The minute the sun touched my skin I was brought back to all the good times. There was no doubt in my mind that Santa Cruz was where I was meant to be.

  We pulled up to the house, and Colton gave me a reassuring look as we made our way to the front door. My father opened it and I fought back the tears. Nothing had changed.

  I ran my hands over the picture frames holding childhood photos of me and Taylor. My parents and Colton stayed back by the door, watching me take everything in. Then I stopped at the chair in front of the large bay window that looked out onto our yard and pool. I fell into the chair, my first memory of Taylor washing over me.

  I didn’t understand why my parents had to go and have another baby. I was happy being an only child. Whenever I
needed my mom or dad, they were there. Whatever I wanted, I got. It was just me and them since before I could remember.

  My grandmother jumped up from the couch and ran to the front door when she heard the car pull into the driveway. I continued sulking in my favorite chair by the bay window, listing all the horrible ways my life was going to change.

  “Brad?” My mother’s voice soothed my irritation and I looked up at her. In her arms she carried a bundle, which I knew was my little sister. She smiled widely at me, her face showing a happiness I’d never seen before. “Do you want to hold her?” My grandmother frowned, as her arms were outstretched to take the baby first.

  “Not really,” I mumbled.

  “Young man,” my father scolded as he carried the bags from the car into the house. “You will be nice to your sister. Being a big brother is an important job. You have to protect her.”

  “From what?” I asked with way too much attitude.

  “Everything,” my mother said as she bent over me and placed the baby in my open arms.

  I looked at her face and studied it intently. I wanted to hate her. To hand her back to my mother and storm up into my room. But then she opened her eyes, the brightest blue eyes I’d ever seen, and she smiled.

  “She smiled at me!” I exclaimed as she wiggled in my arms.

  “Probably just gas,” my dad commented as he helped my mom sit down on the couch. I didn’t care what they said, she’d smiled at me.

  “What’s her name?”

  “Taylor,” my mom said as she closed her eyes and rested her head against the back of the couch. Taylor fussed in my arms. “I can take her. She might be hungry.”

  “No.” I held Taylor closer to me and she stopped fussing. “I’ll protect her.” My father patted my shoulder as I continued talking to Taylor, my sister. Maybe the smile was gas, but I didn’t care. This little person, she was mine to protect, and I vowed that day that I would teach her everything I knew. How to walk. How to talk. How to swim. She’d be the best at everything and I’d never let anything bad happen to her. Because I was her big brother and it was my job to protect her.

  Sobs overcame me as I remembered the promise I’d made to her that day. No matter how many people told me what happened to her wasn’t my fault, it didn’t take away the pain.

  “Hey. It’s okay.” I looked down at Colton, who knelt in front of me. My parents watched us together, both of them fighting back their own tears. “It’s going to be hard, but you’re home now.” Colton took my hands in his.

  I looked around the room, at my parents, at the man who comforted me and helped me find my strength when all I wanted to do was be weak. This was home. His hands were in mine, and I was surrounded by the ones I loved. It wasn’t going to be easy—Colton was right about that—but there was no place I’d rather be.

  19

  ___________

  COLTON

  Watching Brad interact with his parents, remembering all the things that he’d left behind, made me feel even more guilty at the fact that I had to leave a day early. I was usually able to rationalize my need to work, but I knew this case was coming to a close. Becoming lieutenant was closer than I’d ever dreamed, yet it all seemed insignificant compared to being there with Brad.

  I looked over at Brad as he tilted back his head and laughed at something his father said. He caught me staring at him and winked, and my body immediately sent blood straight to my dick. It wasn’t just a physical reaction because, when I saw him, I couldn’t help but smile. I needed Brad in the most profound way a person could. He made me question everything: my job, the crazy hours, and the headaches I put up with to get my promotion. Even struggling with the death of his sister, there was a carefree manner about Brad, a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, live-life-to-the-fullest mentality that I craved. When I was with him, he breathed it into me and when he was gone, he left me wanting more.

  “Will you teach me to surf?” The room went silent at my request and I shifted in my seat, wondering if my words were a bit too abrupt. I knew nothing about surfing. I was a decent swimmer, but that was about it. Honestly, I didn’t care to learn. But it was what Brad loved and I wanted to know everything there was about it, about what made him happy.

  Stacy looked over at Brad and Frank cleared his throat. Tension swarmed the room and I held my breath awaiting his reply. Everyone was waiting for Brad to react. Swimming was one thing, but surfing was another entirely. It was how it all happened, how he lost Taylor.

  “I’d love to show you how to surf.” The tension in the air sizzled one last time before drifting away. His parents let out their breaths. I got out of my chair and placed a kiss on his forehead. I wasn’t one for displays of affection in public, but Brad brought out parts of me I never knew existed.

  “Well, let’s go, then.” I put my hand out for him to take and he stared at me.

  “Now?” he asked, his eyes going wide.

  “No time like the present.”

  “All right, then.” He turned toward his parents. “You guys okay alone for a few hours?”

  His dad brought his mother close to his chest and gave her a sideways hug.

  “Of course, son,” his father said. “Go have fun.” His voice broke at the last part.

  ***

  Brad agreeing to surf, taking me to show me what he loved, was a milestone. A point in his healing that I was going to be a part of. I didn’t take it lightly. I didn’t take anything lightly that Brad made me a part of, not since he’d opened up about Taylor’s death. Just simply living without her was a struggle for him. Like me living without Ben had been. It was entirely different, I knew, yet we both tried to run away from what happened. Buried ourselves in something else to try to forget the pain of loss. I looked over at Brad and realized that he was slowly pulling me out, helping me claw my way to the top and live my life outside of work and promotions. I wanted to do the same for him—bring him out of the pain of losing Taylor, to get back to what he loved. If that meant I’d have to make an ass out of myself trying to surf, so be it. I’d only been dating Brad a few months, but life was so different and I was thankful for some new perspective.

  “I’m going to sit right here and watch.” I planted myself on the towels I’d laid out and watched Brad take his shirt off, showcasing his abs that I loved licking. His back muscles stretched as his arms went over his head and he tossed the shirt aside. I tried not to get turned on, but everything Brad did stirred desire inside of me.

  “Are you watching me?” he asked playfully. I had my sunglasses on so I raised my eyebrows. He laughed. “You would think you’ve had enough of watching me undress,” Brad said, shaking his head.

  I sat up and tugged his arm so he fell down onto the towel next to me. I took my sunglasses off and looked at him, wanting him to see flickers of excitement as he looked at me, undressed, laughed, smiled. Fuck, just even entered a room. He was becoming my everything.

  “What’s that look for?” He scrunched his face. “You look constipated.”

  I groaned. Ah hell. I guess my look wasn’t as I hoped.

  “I’m trying to show you with my eyes how I feel.”

  Brad sat up and crossed his legs under him. “You could just tell me, you know. It’s better than wiggling your eyebrows and using that nasty mouth of yours.”

  I grinned as he mimicked my poor eye seduction techniques. “You didn’t complain about my nasty mouth around your cock last night.” Brad sighed. “What?” I asked, perplexed at his reaction.

  “There it is again. You hiding behind your humor. I love your dirty mouth, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes hearing what you have to say with words that aren’t laced with sexual innuendo would be refreshing.”

  What did I want to say?

  “You’re killing me,” I said as Brad raised his eyebrows. “Let me finish. You’re killing me so I can be born again. Come into this world with a new perspective on life, on living and loving. Since you walked into my life, every time I’m at wo
rk I think about you. How I’d rather be in your arms, lying on the couch watching TV or here, learning all there is to learn about you.” I took a deep breath. “I’m changing. Things that used to matter don’t seem to be that significant anymore. Because you”—I took his hand in mine—“are significant.”

  “Jesus,” Brad mumbled. My heart beat erratically in my chest. I’d laid it all out there. No dick in holes or dirty humor to hide how I was feeling. He had it all, laid out on a fucking platter.

  My cell phone buzzed. I glanced down at the text message from Chief asking me when I’d be back the next day. Brad quickly glimpsed at the screen, and I cursed under my breath for ruining the moment.

  Brad stood up and picked up his surfboard from the sand. His eyes said it all, the blue of them becoming darker as he struggled with the fact that I was leaving a day early.

  “You’re leaving early?” He clutched the board tighter.

  “I have to. Big break on the case.” I shoved my phone in the backpack we brought.

  “Why didn’t you tell me before I dragged you out here?” He slammed the board down in the sand. “I already told you that I understand your job and the crazy hours. So why the hell would you hide this from me?”

  I picked at the towel I was sitting on and tried to find the words to explain to him what I was thinking. What the fuck was I thinking?

  “I was afraid, okay? I didn’t want you to get pissed and leave me.” My chest heaved with my breaths. Damn, I hadn’t expected to say all that. More than disappointing Brad, I didn’t want him to walk out on me.

  He looked at me, the blue of his eyes returning to the brightness I was accustomed to.

  “Listen. You need to trust me when I say I understand, because I do. Am I disappointed? Absolutely, but I understand. You need to know that I won’t leave you over something so trivial.” He leaned down and placed a quick kiss to my lips. “I know how important this case is to you and how hard you’ve been working over these months to prove yourself to your chief.”