Losing You

by Gen Ryan

  “I’m glad I could help. Now go talk to Colton. Communication is key.”

  I walked out of the bay and slid into my car with newfound motivation. I’d watched the struggles Max and Jason had gone through, and I’d watched them overcome them all. I knew my past, my worries, my own anxieties were nothing in the grand scheme of things. Not that they weren’t important, but just a speed bump that existed in my own mind.

  I sent a text off to my mom that I was going to take her up on her offer to come visit, but to wait a day to purchase tickets because I might have a friend come with me.

  After texting with my mother, I read a message from Colton saying he’d meet me at my place around dinnertime and that he missed me. That simple text was enough to make me smile. It wasn’t his fault that I may have taken his reaction slightly out of context. Perfection wasn’t what I was looking for. There was no such thing as a perfect relationship. Just two imperfect people, willing to try everything they could, giving it their all to be together, forever.

  15

  ___________

  COLTON

  I sat in my car, taking deep breaths. I didn’t know why the idea of going to see Brad’s parents in California caused such a reaction in me. Shit, he’d already met my sister and hung out with her more than I even did. It was a logical progression in our relationship. You started dating, had sex, met friends and family. Maybe Brad and I did things slightly out of order, but we were at the point where it was my turn to meet his family.

  Brad understood what I needed. He didn’t pressure me when it came to my job, and he supported my drive to make lieutenant. Yet I still didn’t know why he left California. Maybe that’s what made me panic, the fact that I didn’t know what I’d be walking into. I worked in a field where I never knew what could happen on any given day. I didn’t want that in a relationship too.

  I drove to the precinct and hopped out of the car as Biggs rounded the corner.

  “Hey,” I greeted as I held the door.

  “I think someone’s tracing….” Biggs hung up his phone as soon as he saw me, scoffed, and then walked inside without so much as a thank-you. Tracing what? I made a mental note to bring that up to the chief, just in case Biggs was giving fellow officers a heads-up. I was loyal, especially when it came to my job. If anyone was threatening any of the people I worked with, I wouldn’t let that stand.

  “Jerk,” I mumbled under my breath. I couldn’t deal with his attitude.

  “All right!” The chief raised his voice as the rumbles of people filled the conference room.

  “I’m sorry to call you all in here on a Saturday, but we need to up our patrol and manpower on this Martin Vega case.”

  Murmurs of agreement ran through the crowd.

  “I’m asking each of you to pick up additional shifts.”

  I inwardly sighed, realizing there went my chance to visit Brad’s family. Fuck. I rested my head on the wall I was leaning against. I wanted to go with him. I’d acted like a scared piece of shit and filled his head with doubt because of whatever the hell I was feeling at the time.

  “I’m putting Biggs and James in charge of the two forces. We’ll rotate out. Four on, four off. That way you guys can see your families and all that.” Chief put less emphasis on the last part.

  “Biggs.” He looked up. “Your team will be on first.”

  “Roger, Chief.” Biggs smiled at me. I knew he was thinking he’d be getting a head start on catching Vega, but Vega was in the wind. Without intel and working contacts, Vega was a lost cause.

  Chief dismissed the meeting and buzz began to die down. Biggs’s team stayed and started mapping their plan while I made my way across the room.

  “Chief, a word?” He motioned to his office and I trailed behind.

  “Do I need to shut this door?” he asked as he moved behind his desk and sat down.

  “Just for a second.” I gently closed it. “I heard Biggs talking about tracing calls or something. I know there’s some buzz around the office about maybe someone leaking information, and I just wanted to give you a heads-up.”

  He stared at me and frowned.

  “What else did he say?”

  I shrugged. “That was it. He was just gossiping, but you never know. I figured it was important to mention it.” Chief nodded and grabbed his cell, typing out a message. I opened the door and went to head out. “Oh, and I just wanted to tell you I’ll be heading out of town in a few weeks on my four days off.”

  He looked up at me.

  “It’s your four days. You could fuck a dude for all I care.”

  I cleared my throat. “I have a relationship I’m trying to make work. He’s from California and asked me to go with him to visit his family.” I turned to leave, slightly embarrassed at my confession. The chief wasn’t bad but I certainly didn’t get the warm, fuzzy, “let’s share our feelings” vibe from him.

  “James.” The chief paused and I turned back to face him. “I’ve been married more times than I care to count right now. The one thing I never did was try. It was always this job first.” He rubbed his palms on his cedar desk. “Not that I don’t love my job, but I sacrificed a lot. I don’t have a relationship with my kids. I don’t have a relationship with anyone besides this job.” He sighed. Chief was the one who always told us family got in the way of the job. Guess he gave up more than I realized over the years. “But I made my choice decades ago. You don’t have to make those same choices.”

  “I appreciate you sharing that with me.”

  “Anytime, James. Contrary to what we’re taught, there’s more to life than work.” He let out a small laugh. “Who would have thought? See you in a few days.” Chief was apparently done with our conversation, becoming preoccupied with whatever paperwork was overflowing on his desk.

  I exited the office and came face-to-face with Biggs.

  He clapped his hands slowly.

  “Congratulations, you’ve stepped up your game.”

  I scowled at him.

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Appealing to his emotions like that. I knew your type was all touchy-feely, but I guess I underestimated you.” He smiled.

  What the fuck did he just say?

  “What exactly is my type?”

  Biggs leaned in and whispered close to my ear, “Fags.”

  I pushed his shoulders and he stumbled back. A few officers stood up to intervene if need be.

  The chief came out and glared at us both.

  “Do we have a problem here?”

  I looked at Biggs, who narrowed his eyes on me as if daring me to say something.

  “No, I was just leaving.” I skirted around Biggs and didn’t look back as I walked away, leaving him with a smug smile on his face.

  Chief’s words resonated with me as I drove to Brad’s house. I wasn’t sure why I put myself through the hours, the verbal abuse from Biggs, all for a position I wasn’t even sure I wanted anymore. All I knew was that taking some time off to be with Brad, get to know the parts of him he tried to forget, was what I needed. That’s what mattered most.

  16

  ___________

  BRAD

  I left the door unlocked but Colton still knocked. Taking a deep breath, I opened it. I wasn’t angry at him, but disappointed in his reaction? Sure. But just like Max said, he didn’t know why going home was such a big deal for me. It wasn’t just about him meeting my parents and taking our relationship to that next level. It was about opening up those gates I closed years ago and bringing myself back to my roots.

  “Hey.” I glanced at Colton’s hands. He held a bag of Chinese takeout and a twelve-pack of beer. I smiled. I liked where his head was at.

  “Are you sucking up to me?” I asked as I opened the door wider to let him in. He walked into the kitchen with me following and placed the drinks and food on the counter.

  “I’ll always suck you up,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows. I grinned. I loved when he was in this flirtatious mo
od, but he used it as a shield to block what he wanted to say. His flirtatious banter was his protection.

  “That sounds like fun,” I said with a bit of hesitation.

  Colton looked at me and leaned against the counter.

  “Why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming after that statement?” he asked.

  “I wanted to talk to you about something.” I held out my hand. He placed his in it.

  “This better not be the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ line,” he mumbled.

  I sat down on the couch and patted next to me for him to join me.

  “Of course not. It’s about why I came to Rhode Island.”

  Colton nodded in understanding as he sat down next to me. “I came here to talk to you about California too.”

  I placed my hand on his knee.

  “Let me explain first, please. Before I lose my nerve,” I added.

  “All right.”

  “I had a little sister named Taylor.” I already felt the tears pressing against my eyes. There was something about voicing her name that made the emotions surface again. I never had to say her name around Melanie or my parents. They just knew. Colton, he didn’t know, so every detail, every emotion, had to be explained. “She was a surprise baby and a lot younger than me. But boy, she was something fierce.” I laughed. Colton smiled. “Taylor grew up loving swimming just like me and idolizing everything I did. As soon as she could take swim lessons, she was there. She was good too. I was a competitive surfer making a name for myself in California. Taylor had been hounding me since she could talk for me to teach her how to surf. I managed to keep holding her off. Wait until she can swim, wait until she gets a first-place medal at a meet.”

  My voice drifted off as I remembered all the excuses I’d given her. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to teach her, but I worried about her, constantly. I wanted to keep her in this little protective bubble. “Well, she did all those things, plus some. Taylor was a natural. Where I had to work harder when I was her age, she didn’t. She was fearless. One morning she convinced me to take her out surfing for the first time. It was a perfect morning and I watched my little sister take her first wave like a pro.” The pride I’d felt that day surfaced. I remembered watching her stand up and ride out the wave without so much as a wobble of her legs. Tears ran down my cheeks. Colton moved closer to me and wiped them away. He didn’t say anything, which I appreciated, just let me take the minute I needed to gather my thoughts.

  “A big wave came and we both rode it together. It was the best.” I laughed, feeling the sensation of the wave, the weightlessness of my body, the sound of the waves crashing around me. “But she never came back up.”

  Colton stopped rubbing my leg and I closed my eyes and looked away as the tears streamed down my cheeks. His hand tilted my chin back toward him.

  “Look at me, Brad.” I opened my eyes and Colton stared at me. I wasn’t sure what I expected to see, possibly what I saw every day when I looked in the mirror: regret and accountability for what happened that day. But I saw none of that. I saw warmth and compassion. Maybe a bit of understanding. He pressed a soft kiss to my lips. It wasn’t meant to turn me on, and it didn’t. It brought me the comfort I so desperately needed.

  “It wasn’t your fault.”

  A sob raked through my body at his words. I’d heard this a thousand times, from Melanie, Abby, my parents. I even tried to tell myself on countless occasions. But hearing it from Colton, it unleashed something inside of me. An acceptance that I’d been longing for all these years.

  “Look at me.” I wiped away the tears. “I can’t stop crying.”

  Colton reached into his back pocket, pulled out two pieces of paper, and placed them in my hands. “What worth are eyes that haven’t seen tears? Tears make eyes the most beautiful. And you, Brad”—he traced his fingers across my bottom lip—“have beautiful eyes.” I gasped at his words and the intensity with which he looked at me. “I know you’ve experienced pain, but we all have. The scars and pieces that are left behind from our past lead us to a future that can be whatever we want it to be. You hold in your hands the thing you need to let it all go.” I opened the papers in my hands and sat there stunned. Two plane tickets to California, leaving in two weeks.

  “You did this… for me?” I clutched the tickets tighter.

  “I didn’t know what had happened in your past to make you run, but I knew California was significant for you. I want to be there for you when you go. I want to meet your parents. And you need to teach me how to surf.”

  I tried to laugh but it came out all garbled and distorted. I hadn’t expected Colton to show up with plane tickets and tell me everything I wanted to hear. I was used to being the one left behind, a comfort to others in their time of need but never being comforted. Damn, it felt good to be wanted.

  “What about your promotion?” I asked. He’d been working so hard; I didn’t want him to give any of that up because of me.

  “We’re rotating shifts for a while until this Vega case is closed. I get a few days off, which is why I booked the tickets. I can do more of what I love.” Colton’s eyes turned to fire as he looked at me. The emotion that hung in the air was replaced with a sexual desire so thick I could barely breathe.

  “What do you love?” My eyes focused on Colton’s hand as it made its way to his pocket. He pulled out his handcuffs and cuffed one of my hands.

  “Having you right where I want you.” He led me back into my bedroom. I didn’t fight against him or try to play coy. I wanted this, needed it so badly that the desire to have Colton traveled throughout my body. He took what he wanted, ordering me around, pushing himself deep inside me to the point where I was screaming his name. It was a rush, a thrill that I craved, and I was about to have my craving met.

  Before he handcuffed me to the bed, he undressed me, taking care to let his fingers linger, grab, and pinch my body. He trailed kisses where he pinched, nipping and licking my skin. The pain and pleasure was a sensation that went straight to my dick, which was hard and waiting for him to take.

  I was faceup, my hands cuffed behind me to the bedpost so I could watch his every move. Slowly he discarded his clothes. As I watched him, I wanted nothing more than to touch myself. I fought against my restraints, my cock getting harder and harder. It was a blissful torture, watching Colton pump himself with his free hand, positioning his knees on either side of me. I braced myself to feel his mouth on me, but it never came. He opened the side table and pulled out supplies, tore open a condom and rolled it on me, then rubbed some lube on my dick and his ass.

  Colton smiled at me and positioned his ass at the tip of my dick. Fuck me, he was going to ride me.

  “I’m in control. You got that?” He waited for my words of agreement. Something in me shifted. I hoisted my hips up and rammed my hard cock inside him. The deepest sound spilled from his lips.

  “I’m in charge tonight, baby.”

  I slid in and out as he bounced up and down to meet my thrusts. He pinched my nipples, causing me to fight even harder against the cuffs. I wanted to touch him, caress his slick, sweaty body. I settled for being inside of him.

  Colton pumped his dick, his precum lubing the way and making the sweetest sound that filled the air. “I’m coming. Come with me, Brad.”

  I groaned at his request. He cupped my balls with his free hand, struggling to keep his balance as he ran his other hand along his shaft. God, it was like some hot yoga move.

  “Fuck.” Colton’s body went tight around me as he came all over my chest. Almost as if on cue, I released inside him, spewing profanities as I came down from the high.

  Sprinkling kisses along my chest, Colton uncuffed my hands and rolled the condom off me, tossing it into the trash can. Even though he was demanding in the bedroom, he was also thoughtful and considerate, things that made me want him even more. Just when I thought I couldn’t want him any more, he had to go and do something even sweeter.

  “Let’s take a bath.” He
held out his hand and I placed mine in it. This life seemed too good to be mine. The way Colton looked at me made me feel cared for and wanted. I wasn’t second-best or a replacement for something he couldn’t have. I was it. His eyes said it all. The way they’d looked at me the first time he saw me. The way he could find me from across a room without any hesitation or effort. His touch that was filled with need, his demands that made my dick ache to be buried inside of him, yet his support when I needed to open up to him. Everything about Colton was exactly what I dreamed of when I thought of the type of man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. There were so many firsts that we would get to experience together, so much unknown about each other, but it was exciting, a promise of a lifetime of surprises and excitement. I knew that right there in his arms was where I wanted to be.

  17

  ___________

  COLTON

  “Brad?” I kissed his cheek to try to wake him up. He moaned and turned on his side, mumbling nonsense. I chuckled and headed out to work for my last shift before we left for California.

  After Brad told me about what happened to his sister, he’d pretty much been living at my house. I couldn’t even express how it felt to come home to someone every night again. Ben had always been there, but he’d had people over or tried his best to fill the void I left. Brad was content hanging with Melanie and working, leaving me to pursue my career and my—hopefully—promotion. I’d put a lot of man-hours into catching Vega, and we were closing in. I’d brought in his right-hand man, Sergio, and offered a sweet deal to turn him. He told me to go fuck myself, but I was able to put a wire on him and had been trailing him ever since. Biggs wasn’t happy to hear about my development, especially when the chief told me it was good work. I flipped him off behind the chief’s shoulder. Immature, but whatever. It felt good.

  I spent most of the day in a squad car, listening to Sergio have sex with some prostitute, snort coke and see shit that wasn’t there, and snore so loudly I thought I’d go deaf. My help for the day, a rookie, Smith, was taking notes on everything he did, even the snoring.