“How did it happen?” she asked him, ruffling his hair.
Dylan wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve as he pulled away. “Ryan threw my ball into the barn. I ran in to get it, and your horse was making all kinds of noises, like she was upset.”
He looked thoughtful for a minute before continuing. “You were really late coming home from work, so I thought she was hungry and needed to eat. I grabbed some hay, and I held it out to her. Then she bit me in the arm.”
The men had been slowly making their way toward them, and they were hovering nearby as Dylan made his proclamation. Both men looked thoughtful and nodded as they seemed like they were coming to the same conclusion as Nicole.
She turned to them. “So Dylan got bit because he was inappropriately feeding my horse.”
Shane made a noise. “I guess so,” he said. “But you’ve got to understand, if Snookie’s behavior doesn’t get under control, you’re going to have to get rid of her. Dylan was in the wrong for going into the barn and then trying to feed her. However, that could’ve been anyone. You and I both know that Snookie likes to bite. I’m going to put it to you plain and clear. If Snookie bites one more person, she has to go.”
Shane turned his attention to Leah. “I’ll talk to the boys again and reemphasize our safety rules around horses. But, Nicole, you’ve got to do your part, too.”
As Shane and the boys went inside, there was a part of Nicole that felt good to know how loving and protective Shane was of the boys. After everything they’d been through in their short lives, they deserved to have a man who cared so deeply for them.
But as Nicole walked toward the barn the pain in her heart and tightness in her chest made it almost too difficult to breathe. Could they get Snookie to stop biting?
Fernando stepped in next to her. “It’s going to be okay,” he said. “I know it seems hopeless, but Snookie isn’t the first biter I’ve trained.”
She sighed as she glanced up at him. “Yes, but you’ve said that change won’t happen overnight. What if she bites someone else in the meantime?”
It still bothered her that he’d lied to her about having errands to run after church. Yes, it had been a white lie, but a lie was a lie, and after all the white lies he’d told to cover up his sister’s affair with Brandon, Nicole couldn’t help wondering how she could trust Fernando.
Were his reassurances about Snookie just more white lies designed to make Nicole feel better?
Fernando leaned on the rail and gestured at the horse. “We’ll do everything we can to keep others out of the way and out of danger. I think Shane is being unfair, considering Dylan was at fault. Any horse will bite if you offer them food incorrectly.”
While Nicole knew that to be true, she also knew the stubborn set to Shane’s jaw.
“How do I know you’re not just saying this to make me feel better?” Nicole asked.
Maybe she wasn’t brave enough to directly call him out on his lies, but she needed him to know that she wasn’t going to let him play the same smoke-and-mirrors game he’d been part of before.
He gave her a determined look, like she’d somehow offended his pride in asking the question. “Because I know horses. And I also would never put anyone in danger by overpromising results. It’s dangerous for both horse and human.”
In this, she believed him. Fernando’s sins were about trying to protect people, or at least that seemed to be the thought process behind them. But he would never deliberately hurt someone.
So how did she make him understand that for her, being lied to was a deliberate wound?
Nicole shook her head. It wasn’t like her relationship with Fernando was going anywhere. She didn’t want, or need, for him to understand her emotions.
She looked over at Snookie, wanting to trust Fernando, but not sure if she could.
Fernando reached out and touched her arm gently. “It will be all right. Shane is just being a protective father.”
Nicole nodded, but when she looked over and watched Shane with Leah and the boys, she could see the love between them and couldn’t see Shane budging.
She turned back to Fernando. “Are you sure I wouldn’t just be better off giving her away?”
That would solve a lot of problems.
But she loved Snookie. And sometimes she thought Snookie loved her. What was she supposed to do?
Nicole had gotten herself into this mess by not trusting in the Lord. She closed her eyes and sent a quick prayer heavenward that God would help her make the right choices when it came to her horse.
She didn’t want to give up Snookie. But she also didn’t want anyone else to get hurt.
“That’s up to you,” Fernando said. “I can tell you love Snookie and want to help her. I also know how much you love your family. If you’re asking me if I think there is any danger, the answer is no. But I do think it’s going to take some time to get her to a place where she is safe for everyone. I guess what you have to decide is whether or not you’re willing to do the work.”
* * *
Even though Nicole had a smile on her face, Fernando could see the questions in her eyes. He’d only been here a few days, and he hadn’t had enough time to work with Snookie in a way that would give them any improvement. Shane was being harsh, too harsh, but Fernando understood.
The boys might not be his sons, but he loved them like any father would. That’s how Fernando would feel if he had sons. No, he wasn’t going to think about that. It wasn’t possible for him, but if he were fortunate enough to have a family of his own, he would also probably be protective of his children. Then again, he knew how much being sheltered had hurt him growing up.
His mother had been so overprotective, afraid of him doing anything where he might get hurt. She’d sheltered both him and Adriana, and they had both rebelled. Fernando got mixed up with the wrong kind of crowd, and even though he could have gotten into worse trouble and had worse friends, he’d done enough damage to his life.
How did a parent balance keeping a child safe without holding on too tight?
None of this was useful to think about, not when he already knew it was impossible for him. But just because his dreams were out of reach didn’t mean he couldn’t help Nicole with hers.
“Is it worth it?” Nicole asked. “Am I kidding myself in thinking that we can get Snookie to behave?”
Fernando heard the sadness in her voice. The desire to keep her horse, but the fear that the work they did wouldn’t be enough.
“I’m going to give your horse everything I have,” he said. “The question is, will you?”
The fear in her eyes nearly broke his heart. He knew what it meant. She was already dealing with a broken heart. She’d been punishing him all these months because of it. This wasn’t just a promise about a horse. It was a promise that Nicole’s heart wouldn’t be broken again.
Could he keep his promise? He sent a quick silent prayer that God would give him what he needed to be able to do so.
Nicole looked over at Snookie.
“I’m all she has,” Nicole said. “No one else wanted her. I didn’t tell Shane this part, but when I was looking at Snookie, I overheard some of the ranch hands talking about her only being good for dog food. They were going to send her to slaughter.”
Monsters. It wasn’t unheard of for a bad trainer to give up on a horse, but to send it to a slaughterhouse? Though he’d heard of the practice, it seemed almost criminal.
How could he fault Nicole for wanting to save this horse?
The heartache in her voice as she spoke about Snookie being unwanted gave him a deeper glimpse into Nicole’s heart. It had been broken because the man who promised to love her wanted someone else. How unloved must that have made Nicole feel? True, she had two wonderful sisters and two nephews who adored her. But the romantic connection was a special kind of love, a special kind of be
ing wanted.
He couldn’t be the man to heal Nicole’s broken heart, but the horses in prison had healed his. Saving Snookie just might give Nicole the safe place to love and be loved. No, it wasn’t romantic, but it was different from the love of a friend or family. It was a forever commitment between a deeply bonded horse and human, almost like a marriage.
“I promise you, no matter what happens, Snookie won’t be sent to slaughter.”
She gave a swift jerk of her head in affirmation, then they silently walked to Snookie, and he put a halter and rope on her.
Once Fernando brought Snookie to the round pen, he looked over at Nicole. “I want to start at the basics. I’m sure you’ve done all of this, but let’s go back to the beginning. It’s time for the two of you to bond.”
She hesitated, and he gave her a smile. “I know it’s scary, thinking you might have to let her go. But consider this. If you do have to give her up, you’ll be sending a better horse to a new home. Maybe they can give her what she needs. You’re at least preparing her for her future, regardless of what that future is.”
Nicole nodded slowly. “I hadn’t thought of it that way. It’s like the kids I teach. At the end of the day, or at the end of the school year, I have to send them back to their parents. Even though some of them I love like my own and dearly wish I didn’t have to let go. But all I can do is give them the tools they need to live a good life and be happy. I can do that for Snookie.”
She squared her shoulders in a new way, looking stronger and more confident than she had a few minutes earlier. Connecting her work with the horse to her work with kids seemed to have given her the strength she needed.
He began basic gentling exercises with Snookie, taking her through what should be familiar motions, pleased that she responded well to his handling. He lunged her, watching for signs that Snookie was allowing him to lead her.
As the horse relaxed, he turned to Nicole. “It’s your turn. I want you to use your body the way I have been and get her to join up with you.”
He demonstrated the motion again and was pleased to see how Nicole quickly picked up on what he was asking her to do. One of the trainers he’d worked with had once told him that a horse could only be trained to the level of its trainer. Nicole and Snookie would do well together.
Once again, he thought back to how both horse and human had issues trusting. If they could learn to trust each other, it would be easier for them to trust others.
Even though Fernando had told Nicole that she would be sending a better Snookie to someone who could handle her if she had to give her up, he knew it would be hard. It had nearly broken Fernando to have to give up the first horse he’d trained while in prison, but getting the second horse had taught him that it was okay to put your heart into an animal and let it go. And now he understood that love was about allowing yourself to participate in all the stages of caring, from creating that initial bond to the goodbye. Maybe forever, and maybe for now.
Someday, Fernando would have a place and horses of his own, where he wouldn’t have to have that conversation with himself with every horse. He’d be able to keep the special ones. At least for as long as God was willing to let him have them.
Nothing in life was guaranteed, but Fernando had to be grateful for all the moments God had granted him. Which was how he had to view this time with Nicole. She was a special lady, and were his circumstances different, he’d want to pursue something more. To be a greater part of healing her heart than just giving her the tools via her horse.
But it wasn’t meant to be, and this had to be enough.
He returned his focus to Nicole and Snookie. Snookie responded well to Nicole’s directions, giving her what she asked for when she asked for it without a fight. Were someone to look in on what they were doing, they would think that training Snookie was effortless. But Nicole only made it look that way because she was doing all the right things.
Fernando stepped closer to Nicole. “I’m tricking the horse into thinking we are the same. Now I want you to raise your right hand and send her in the other direction.”
Nicole did as he asked, and once again, the horse readily complied. They continued the motions, and then, as he could see Snookie softening toward Nicole, Fernando spoke quietly. “Be still,” he said. “I want you to walk forward slowly, and I want you to hold your hand out gently behind you. Just be still. Quiet.”
In the stillness of the moment, he could hear Nicole’s breathing become softer, more relaxed. They’d both been working hard, but as she stilled, Snookie approached. Typically, the horse would give the trainer a little nudge, a sign of accepting the trainer into its herd. Snookie came and rested her head right on Nicole’s shoulder.
“She’s joined up with you,” Fernando said softly. “Let her know that you’re here for her. That you accept her. Very slowly, give her a gentle touch.”
As Nicole reached up and touched Snookie’s nose, Fernando could feel the tears hitting the backs of his eyes. The bond between human and horse was apparent, and he could see the love between them. Maybe Snookie didn’t know it was love, but she was giving Nicole her trust. And that, for a horse, was about the closest thing one could get to love.
Maybe that’s why relationships with horses were so much easier. They didn’t care about your past, what you’d done, or anything other than how you treated them in that moment. True, if you’d ever hurt a horse, especially a mustang, it wasn’t something forgotten, but as long as you gave them that same tender love, that was something they would also never forget.
Nicole needed this kind of love. Fernando couldn’t pretend he understood what it was like to be betrayed by your best friend and fiancé, and to fully know what was behind the pain in her eyes whenever the past came up, but he did know betrayal. And he understood what it felt like to lose everything you thought you had worth living for.
The radical acceptance of the horse could give Nicole the strength to face her pain and move forward with her life. It was the closest Fernando could get to sharing his feelings for her.
Though Fernando wasn’t living the life he’d hoped for himself, he hadn’t come out of prison with the same feeling of worthlessness a lot of men had. He knew the love of God, the love of horses and, deep down, a love of himself. The only difference was, society didn’t seem to love him back. Or at least they weren’t willing to see past his label to the man he’d become.
Nicole, though, could draw on the strength she was gaining here and use it to propel her dreams to wherever she wanted them to take her.
As he walked along the side of the horse, focusing his attention on the back side of Snookie, Nicole caught his eye. “I’ve done this before with her, but it seems different. Maybe because we didn’t quite do the join up the way you did. But I sense a change in her. And I feel like our bond is stronger.”
He nodded. “That’s the idea. Sometimes we rush the bond, or we think we have it, so we move on to the next step. But I want us to spend the next few days just doing this with her. Just bonding and letting her know she is safe.”
That was the trouble with a lot of people, and with life. They rushed what they wanted and pushed too hard, too soon, ending up with a shell of what they’d hoped for.
In a way, Fernando realized, that’s what he had done in trying to get Nicole to forgive him. He had pushed too hard and tried too hard to get her to understand his way of thinking. He should have been more gentle and patient with her, rather than demanding. He should have remembered the lessons he’d learned in horse training.
“How will this stop her from biting?” Nicole asked, looking up from Snookie.
He felt the horse tense as he ran a hand along the ridge on her back. A scar. Probably from being whipped too hard. “Horses bite for a lot of reasons. She’s exploring, but she also knows it’s a good way to protect herself. We just have to show her that she doesn’t need to protect he
rself anymore. And, like with children, we have to teach her when it’s not okay to put things in her mouth.”
As Nicole nodded once again, he saw more confidence in her eyes. She seemed more open and less afraid. Like the lessons that were healing Snookie were working in Nicole’s heart as well.
Nicole’s love for Snookie was so deep and real that even though she was preparing herself to potentially let the horse go, he didn’t know that he could watch her do it.
Maybe Fernando and Nicole would never get to a place where things were good between them. But he would do everything in his power to make sure Nicole’s heart didn’t get broken again.
Chapter Seven
Even though Fernando wasn’t standing inappropriately close to her, Nicole could sense his presence. Something about having him so near made her feel safe. Odd, considering she never thought she would feel safe in the same town as him because of all the bad feelings she had toward him.
His gently whispered instructions gave her confidence as she worked Snookie. And as he tweaked her motions ever so slightly, she could understand why the things she had been doing weren’t working. Subtle differences, but enough for her to see that she had been going about it all wrong. It was comforting to know she had someone on her side.
Or at least partially. She still wasn’t sure that she could trust him on a personal level, given his lie, but the change in her relationship with Snookie told her she could trust him with her horse.
Maybe that was enough. What she’d wanted in a horse was a companion to be there for her. A best friend. Someone she could tell her secrets to, who wouldn’t run off with the man she loved or make her question everything about herself. Yes, she had her sisters, but this was different. And as much as she loved them, there was a hole in her heart they couldn’t fill.
And then, just as she was beginning to think Fernando had almost become a part of her, he was gone. In his place was Snookie, standing behind her and following her lead.
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