Joining up with Snookie was almost as if Snookie was giving her a deeper level of love and trust. Respect. Like she was fully accepted into Snookie’s herd. There was a deeper level of respect in the horse’s demeanor toward her, but more than that, there was a sense of submission. The way Snookie was submitting to her, it was a sign that Nicole had earned it. Snookie wasn’t giving her the signs out of fear, anger, frustration or any negative emotion. This was what Nicole had been hoping to accomplish.
As she connected with her horse in this moment, she knew she had Snookie’s heart.
Maybe it was foolish of her to do so, since she hadn’t seen it on a video or read it in a book, but she couldn’t help putting her arms around the horse’s neck and hugging her tight. “I love you, Snookie,” she said.
Snookie responded by resting her head on Nicole’s shoulder, gently, submissively, lovingly.
For a few moments she stood there, hugging her horse, feeling the love between the two of them. Then Fernando’s voice behind her brought her back to reality.
“You’ve done good,” he said. “I think we’re at a good point now, because the last thing Snookie will remember leaving this arena is that she can trust you. Tomorrow, we’ll work more with her, but for now, I think she needs a break.”
Nicole released her hold on Snookie and then she turned and hugged Fernando. “Thank you,” she said. “What just happened here, it’s something I’ve dreamed of my whole life. I always wanted this kind of bond with a horse, and until now, I always thought it was out of my reach.”
He returned her hug for a brief second, then pulled away. She probably shouldn’t have hugged him. Though she’d thought they’d shared a few moments of connection, her touch obviously made him uncomfortable. Sometimes only one person felt the spark, which she’d clearly found out with Brandon. What she’d thought was love had been some other emotion on his part.
Nicole didn’t need anything weird between her and Fernando. Especially because he’d already proven to her that she couldn’t trust him. It was better for both of them this way. Whatever these emotional moments she felt were, she had to keep them to herself.
“Thank you. I’m just doing my job,” Fernando said.
“Until now, I wasn’t sure I could believe it was possible that I could keep Snookie. But now, I can see it.”
He nodded slowly. “We’re not out of the woods yet. We haven’t done anything to address her biting, but now that you’ve bonded with her, it will be easier to break the habit. We still have a long way to go, but I believe we can get there.”
As they walked Snookie back to the barn, Nicole’s heart felt lighter and happier than it had in a long time. And yet, she felt a surprising weariness as well. They tied Snookie up, and Fernando handed her a brush.
“She doesn’t need a very thorough brushing, but we should keep reinforcing the idea that normal horse care is good for her and we aren’t going to hurt her.”
She started brushing Snookie and noticed that Fernando was doing the same on the other side, speaking softly so she couldn’t hear what he was saying.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that,” she said.
He looked up at her. “I wasn’t talking to you. Sorry. I was talking to God. Praying for Snookie.”
They’d had a conversation about his spiritual connection to the animals before, but she hadn’t observed just how deep it was.
But in the sincere expression on Fernando’s face, she saw an earnest connection to God that made her curious. Especially since things had been so weird with him going to church.
“Do you think it helps?”
Fernando gave a shrug. “It can’t hurt. Besides, I think animals, as God’s creatures, have a deeper connection to God, only we don’t understand it. So why not talk to God and see where God leads me with these animals?”
Nicole tried to understand his perspective as she continued brushing Snookie. “I just don’t know what to believe about God anymore,” she said. “How do we know what is God and what is just wishful thinking on our part?”
Weird, that she would admit this to Fernando when it wasn’t something she’d expressed to anyone else. In her small group at church, full of women who seemed to be so happy all the time, without the same crushing disappointments she’d faced in her life, it seemed wrong to share her doubts. And yet, saying so in front of Fernando, who already knew most of her dark secrets, didn’t seem so threatening.
Which made everything even more confusing for her. She had no proof she couldn’t trust the women from church, but she couldn’t open up to them. And yet she had evidence that Fernando wasn’t to be trusted, yet she confessed all this weird stuff to him.
Fernando set his brush down, then came around the other side of the horse. “Maybe we don’t. But maybe that’s the point of having faith. Of believing that we have a good God who loves us and trusting that even when we don’t understand something, it will work out for the best.”
He ran his fingers along the scarred section of Snookie’s back. “When I first met her, she would freak out if I touched her here. This was a place where someone had hurt her. But somehow, she’s gotten over it. Is it because I prayed? Is it because I have some kind of special touch? I don’t know. But every day, I touch her here, and I ask God to heal her hidden wounds. When I work with her, I ask God to give me what I need. Maybe God hasn’t answered those prayers. Maybe it’s just a trick of my imagination. But when I work with Snookie, I always have what I need and know exactly what to do. Just as important, I have seen the way she no longer flinches at my touch.”
He moved his hands to another set of scars. “So I don’t know. Maybe it isn’t God. But the whole point of faith is choosing to believe. Believe that God is working here, and maybe He is or maybe He isn’t. But I find it easier to know and trust that God is with me.”
No one had ever spoken to her with such a deep belief in trusting God. Well, they had, but she’d never seen it so deep in another human. Sure, they talked about it in church, but it always seemed more on a theoretical level, since she never saw this type of faith in them. Then again, how could she, when she hadn’t really taken the time to get to know them? She’d been too busy pretending everything was okay and shutting everyone out. Maybe the women she thought had no problems were just like her. Full of pain, but too scared to let anyone in.
Could she give them a chance?
Fernando pointed at a brush on a nearby bench. “Can you hand me that brush? There’s something stuck in Snookie’s mane, and I’d like to see if I can get it out.”
It took a moment to register what he was asking, so when she turned to get the brush, Fernando was already on his way. She ran into him, and when she did, it wasn’t the oops feeling of having made a mistake, but a sensation of—
What on earth was that?
No.
The unexpected electric jolt she felt running into his rock-hard chest was just a silly reaction. Why she kept having it, she didn’t know, but it was getting to be crazy.
“Sorry,” Fernando muttered, stepping away.
She thought she spied a tinge of red on his cheeks as he turned his back to her. Had she embarrassed him? Then she looked down at her hand and realized it had been on his chest far too long, and she probably made him uncomfortable.
She was making herself uncomfortable, dwelling on that weird moment, so it was no wonder.
Hadn’t she just given herself a talking-to about not putting Fernando in awkward positions? And that she couldn’t trust him on a personal level?
That was the trouble with trying to keep things strictly business when they had so much personal baggage between them. And, as much as she hated to admit it, if it weren’t for their past, she’d find him attractive.
She willed herself to stop going down that path. Fernando wasn’t the man for her.
“No,” she said. �
��I’m sorry. My mind was elsewhere, and I wasn’t thinking.”
He grabbed the brush he’d asked her for and headed back to the horse. “Don’t worry about it. You look a little flushed. You’ve probably had too much sun. Let me just get this knot out and you can put Snookie out to pasture, and I’ll get us both some water.”
Nicole took a deep breath and tried to stop noticing how aware she was of Fernando as a man.
Sure, she’d joked with Adriana about having a hottie brother before, but this was different. Now she saw him as a man, with the compassion to help an emotionally wounded woman who hated him and a horse no one else wanted, who was deeply connected to the Lord. The fact that Fernando was one of the most handsome men she’d ever met was only icing on the cake.
“I don’t hate you anymore,” Nicole blurted.
“I know.” Fernando held up the brush and smiled at her. “But don’t mistake the gratitude you’re feeling for anything else.”
Could she be any more mortified? He’d obviously noticed the weird spark she’d felt and was trying to gently tell her that he didn’t return her feelings. Awkward!
Worse, she already knew that he was bad for her. Why was she attracted to a man who was obviously the worst possible choice for her?
“I’m not,” she reassured him. “I’m just...reevaluating.”
She took another deep breath. Fernando seemed to pray about everything. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to pray about whatever this was between them.
Fernando had told her that he relied on God’s strength, and while she definitely agreed with the principle, she didn’t know how she was supposed to do that. Or what praying in this situation would accomplish.
But since Brandon’s death, she’d lost the wide-eyed trust she’d had, and the only people she could count on for having her back were her sisters. Mostly, though, she relied on herself.
Admitting that she had been relying on herself too much also meant admitting that she honestly had no idea what to do anymore. Fernando had clearly come into her life for a reason, and even though it had caused her so much pain in the beginning, she could see where it was also bringing her healing. God had brought the man she hated the most in the world to her to help her.
So what were these weird feelings between her and Fernando?
Fernando finished brushing out the knot, untied Snookie and handed her the rope.
She might not be able to sort out whatever was going on with her and Fernando, but she could take care of her horse.
“Good girl,” Nicole said, patting Snookie. Snookie gave her a little nudge, like she was saying that she knew.
As she returned to the barn after putting Snookie in the pasture, Fernando came out carrying a bottle of water but giving her a wide berth.
It had been awkward for him, too. He probably thought that once again, he’d unintentionally hurt her. But it seemed weird to reassure him, to make more of what it had seemingly been.
“I got you some water,” he said. “Sometimes we get so caught up in working that we forget to drink, and it’s important to stay hydrated out here.”
She smiled at him and took the bottle. “Thanks. Sorry about earlier. I should have been looking where I was going.”
He shook his head. “No, it was my fault. I should’ve been, too.”
She laughed. “We’re not going to play a game of who is more at fault, are we? No harm was done, so let’s call it even.”
Maybe that would be enough to get the moment out of her mind.
He stared at her briefly, and in his gaze, she could see that he had felt something, too.
Maybe the whole point of this was to remind her that she needed to rely on God’s strength for the answer.
Okay, then. Nicole took a deep breath.
God, I don’t know what this is all about. But I’m willing to open myself up to whatever possibility You’re leading me to as long as You can give me the strength to get through it.
* * *
Fernando tried acting nonchalant as he drank his water. That moment with Nicole...wow! Could she see that his hand was shaking?
It seemed unjust that as much as he’d harbored a wish to someday find a woman who could love him, he would now have this feeling with Nicole. Fine, he’d had a secret crush on her off and on over the years, but this was different. Nicole’s hand on his chest, while only the briefest of touches, had something almost electric in it. An exchange of energy that brought a light into her eyes that hadn’t been there before.
Part of him wanted to take her into his arms, kiss her and see if they could turn these feelings into something that would last. But the more practical side of him knew that she only knew the good part of the man, the part that wouldn’t ruin her life.
He could feel her watching him as they drank their water in silence. If he told her the truth about his past, it would end things right now. But as he tried to form the words that would be the nail in the coffin for anything that might be, he found he couldn’t.
It wasn’t just about the spark he’d felt when she’d touched him. But it seemed like some of the sadness had lifted off her. Could he break her heart so quickly? Or was he imagining all of this?
Crazy. All this nonsense from one innocent touch.
He’d leave it alone for now. No good could come of acknowledging his feelings for her, or of seeing if she had feelings for him. His only job was to guide her in training her horse. And God help him, that’s all it was going to be about. He offered another prayer that God would give him strength to do what needed to be done, drained the rest of his water bottle and tossed it into the recycle bin.
And even though he knew he probably shouldn’t, he couldn’t help stealing another peek at Nicole as he put away the rest of the brushes and tack. Which led him to issuing one more plea to God that they wouldn’t get their hearts broken. An inevitable outcome if Nicole was developing any sort of feelings for him and she discovered the truth about his past.
Time for some good old-fashioned manual labor. He’d gone into town earlier for the parts he’d wanted, but they’d had to order them, so he was going to tackle clearing out more of the interior of the barn. It had been used for storage for years, according to Shane, and even though they’d gotten all the important items out, there was still a large number of things to deal with.
The interior of the barn looked like it had once housed animals, then when the horse barn had been built, this one had been converted to hay and equipment storage and then just storage. The ranch must have been successful at one point in time. Maybe it could be restored to its former glory.
As Fernando passed some falling-down walls that had probably been stalls, he could see the family’s vision for turning this into an event center. He wouldn’t be able to do all the work, but he could put together a good enough foundation that whoever they brought in for cleanup and finish would have an easier time of things.
The main hay storage area would make for a great large event room. Based on plans Erin had shown him, they were going to put an industrial kitchen on one end and restrooms along the east wall, and the upper level would be a cozy seating area or space for smaller events.
Which meant all these old stalls along the west side needed to go. Even if they were meant to be rooms, they would still need to be torn down and reframed.
Fernando picked up the crowbar he’d left lying there the last time he’d worked on this section. As he pried loose some of the boards, it felt good to be able to take his frustrations out on something he could easily fix. The thing he’d always loved about construction was that during all stages of the project, he could see his progress and where everything stood.
With the horse, and Nicole, nothing was as easy to determine. Their relationship seemed to have a weird up and down progression, and just when he thought they were on an even keel, things got messed up again. In some ways, it
wasn’t so different from earning trust from a horse. And that, he knew, was all about patience. Being consistent and loving through all the ups and downs, and...
Loving?
Fernando pried another board loose. The idea of loving Nicole seemed easy enough in the theoretical sense, like you’d love a horse, or a fellow human being in the name of God. But the feelings he had for Nicole tended to move him into different, more troubling waters.
And that’s where he had no idea what he was doing.
Please, God, help me.
It was the only prayer he knew how to pray when he wasn’t even sure what he was praying for. What did Nicole need? What did Fernando need? And how was Fernando supposed to act accordingly?
Not having a wife and family to love hadn’t bothered him so much until now. But as he heard Leah’s boys playing somewhere in the distance, the ache in Fernando’s heart was almost too much to bear. He’d be lying if he said Nicole hadn’t stirred something in him, something he’d thought had been dead a long time.
The scariest thing about the moment of attraction he’d shared with Nicole was that he hadn’t experienced it in so long that it was harder to dismiss than he’d thought. Even now, the image of the look in her eyes was crisp in his memory.
There was something between them, but they both had more reason to run from it than to pursue it.
So what was Fernando supposed to do, given the impossibility of the situation?
Lord, please help me.
Chapter Eight
They’d been making progress with Snookie over the past week, and Nicole was pleased to see that not only had Snookie not bitten anyone, she hadn’t even tried. However, they were careful to keep the boys far away from the horse.
And whatever weirdness had passed between Nicole and Fernando the previous week hadn’t happened again, even though they’d been in close quarters, working with the horse.
Maybe it was a weird fluke, and, like Fernando had said, dehydration.
The Cowboy's Faith Page 8
